marriage
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
The answer on marriage to him is NO. Not all his fault--many red flags were there---his family history, general narcissism and selfishness which has only gotten worse. And what I now know is codependency on my part as an ACOA.
I deserve to be treated better, we all do, even if it's how we treat ourselves. It's a very lonely way to live.
I deserve to be treated better, we all do, even if it's how we treat ourselves. It's a very lonely way to live.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 79
Definitely NOT! Don't ever marry anyone involved with alcohol unless you want a life of sadness, despair, especially if their are kids involved later on, they will be the TRUE victims. Wish someone told me..married almost 25 years, 2 kids -15, 19-it is them I really worry about if they lose their dad to this horrible progressive disease-which is where we are at this point.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
This is kind of a tough question, really. I don't regret either marrying or divorcing my x. His relationship with alcohol wasn't abnormal when we got together, but became a problem later on and worsened with time. I didn't waste a bunch of my life obsessing over him, either. I was disappointed that he wasn't a better partner, but took responsibility for making my own life enjoyable. Also, we never had or wanted children. All I wanted was a fun life partner, which he was incapable of being on a consistent basis as his addiction worsened.
I learned so much from this relationship. I'm a different person now than I would have been had I not gone through this. I wish I'd have reacted differently to isolated incidents of the relationship and that I'd found this site a couple of years sooner, but I'm comfortable overall with how things played out.
Would I do this again? Oh, HELL NO!!! I'm not even attracted to that 'type' of guy anymore. I have no illusions about the seriousness of addiction and I know I'm not the answer for someone who has those problems.
I learned so much from this relationship. I'm a different person now than I would have been had I not gone through this. I wish I'd have reacted differently to isolated incidents of the relationship and that I'd found this site a couple of years sooner, but I'm comfortable overall with how things played out.
Would I do this again? Oh, HELL NO!!! I'm not even attracted to that 'type' of guy anymore. I have no illusions about the seriousness of addiction and I know I'm not the answer for someone who has those problems.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I am surprised at how many "No's" there were. . .
Because you go with your first gut response and mine was yes.
Some of you know I have been seperated from my Ex AH for over a yr now and It was a horrible break up - The typical alcoholic/addict behaviors came out and I suffered mentally, physically and financially - huge and major losses.
(like others - you can read my old post to catch up on my story)
I too was not healthy when we married - over those 1st 10 plus yrs I got worse as his disease progressed so did mine. Then we both got into recovery - I would have never had that if I hadn't married him.
I have been in Al-Anon over 6 yrs - I will be forever grateful to him for that - He gave me that gift. The gift that eventually helped me walk away from the abuse and dysfuntion, insanity and chaos when he relapsed and was unable to go back to recovery- It is one of the most wonderful things he ever did for me.
How could I not marry him again knowing I get that gift - The gift that helps me discover myself, the God of my understanding and my recovery family. (Not to mention my beautiful step-daughters)
As painful as it was - yes to get the awesome results of my life today - yes I would marry him again - JUST so I could be where I am today.
so chalk me up as HUGE YES
HUGS,
Rita
Because you go with your first gut response and mine was yes.
Some of you know I have been seperated from my Ex AH for over a yr now and It was a horrible break up - The typical alcoholic/addict behaviors came out and I suffered mentally, physically and financially - huge and major losses.
(like others - you can read my old post to catch up on my story)
I too was not healthy when we married - over those 1st 10 plus yrs I got worse as his disease progressed so did mine. Then we both got into recovery - I would have never had that if I hadn't married him.
I have been in Al-Anon over 6 yrs - I will be forever grateful to him for that - He gave me that gift. The gift that eventually helped me walk away from the abuse and dysfuntion, insanity and chaos when he relapsed and was unable to go back to recovery- It is one of the most wonderful things he ever did for me.
How could I not marry him again knowing I get that gift - The gift that helps me discover myself, the God of my understanding and my recovery family. (Not to mention my beautiful step-daughters)
As painful as it was - yes to get the awesome results of my life today - yes I would marry him again - JUST so I could be where I am today.
so chalk me up as HUGE YES
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
Posts: 27
Remember that you can love someone without marrying them. I love my AH and always will. But please carefully consider the reality of such a life. The stories on SR may differ somewhat but you will see a commonality among them, called misery. For years, I struggled financially and emotionally because my AH was ill. I was trapped because I felt connected to him and didn't want to hurt him when he told me he needed me and couldn't live without me. I wouldn't have believed my life would be as heartbreaking as everyone's here. In spite of the way you may feel about him, the reality is right here and I hope you don't choose it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
For me it would be what I know about myself now that would have stopped me from marrying STBXAH. Being a raging codie at the time--I would have still married him--regardless of the extent of his alcohol and drug abuse.
However, given that I myself am on my way to recovery--had I been where I am now in my own recovery as a co-dependent--no I would not have married STBXAH.
However, not everything in the marriage was bad. We have 2 wonderful sons that we adopted that I love with every piece of my heart and I cannot imagine life without them. But I would not known when I married him that that would happen. Also, lots of single women adopt now. . .so it may still have happened anyway. . .
However, given that I myself am on my way to recovery--had I been where I am now in my own recovery as a co-dependent--no I would not have married STBXAH.
However, not everything in the marriage was bad. We have 2 wonderful sons that we adopted that I love with every piece of my heart and I cannot imagine life without them. But I would not known when I married him that that would happen. Also, lots of single women adopt now. . .so it may still have happened anyway. . .
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
A NO from me. After 31 years of this I finally got the courage to leave. I need to figure out how to live without him because I'm addicted to him and I will in time. A quiet night alone is much better than the insanity of living with an AH!
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
"Now that he is sober 3 months all the bad personality aspects that I was SURE would go away when he stopped drinking are STILL THERE"
Sunnyvols-this spoke volumes to me! I recently separated from my AH and in the back of my mind and deep in my heart I always felt that if he stopped drinking I would get back the man I married. I loved the man I married with everything I had and the man I am separated from doesn't even remotly resemble him. Thanks for opening my eyes!
Sunnyvols-this spoke volumes to me! I recently separated from my AH and in the back of my mind and deep in my heart I always felt that if he stopped drinking I would get back the man I married. I loved the man I married with everything I had and the man I am separated from doesn't even remotly resemble him. Thanks for opening my eyes!
seeking recovery
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NSW
Posts: 171
NO! NO! NO!
I look back on my ex of 7 years (we actually got engaged after he proposed, after me finding him on a dating site!) how romantic is that?
Everything was always about him and I came about 3rd (I think).
I stayed with him because for some weird reason and deep seated pattern i think i sexually bonded with him and mistook it for love.
I would feel such boredom and DEEPSEATED DESPAIR with him, NEVER would i want my daughters to have so little self love to put themselves through being with an A and all the worsening side effects!
I look back on my ex of 7 years (we actually got engaged after he proposed, after me finding him on a dating site!) how romantic is that?
Everything was always about him and I came about 3rd (I think).
I stayed with him because for some weird reason and deep seated pattern i think i sexually bonded with him and mistook it for love.
I would feel such boredom and DEEPSEATED DESPAIR with him, NEVER would i want my daughters to have so little self love to put themselves through being with an A and all the worsening side effects!
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