Quick question -
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Quick question -
Well AH went on a major binge and I think it may be over, I'll find out when he wakes up.
Yesterday was hell for me bc of it, I had to take the kids out for FIVE HOURS making deliveries. I had a friend come with me, baby was not happy, kids were bored, I'm sick, it was freaking awful, and all the while, he's drinking away in our warm home.
How do I deal with him now? How do I deal with the apologies and promises?
No clue here.
TY
Yesterday was hell for me bc of it, I had to take the kids out for FIVE HOURS making deliveries. I had a friend come with me, baby was not happy, kids were bored, I'm sick, it was freaking awful, and all the while, he's drinking away in our warm home.
How do I deal with him now? How do I deal with the apologies and promises?
No clue here.
TY
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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Originally Posted by SadButHopeful 
How do I deal with him now? How do I deal with the apologies and promises?
The apologies and promises are quacking. Picture the big AFLAC duck saying "quack, quack, quack". The words of an active alcoholic are empty promises. Look at the actions. Is he making any changes for the better? Is he taking steps on his own to get help and begin recovery?
How to deal with him? You are angry and frustrated by this latest binge. You want to make him see what he has done to the family and how much stress you are under because of his actions, but he won't see any of this. He wasn't doing any of this to you. He wasn't doing this to make you take the children out for 5 hours. He wasn't doing this to make you weaker when you are already feeling sick. He wasn't doing this to **** you off.
He was doing this because this is what active alcoholics do.
The question is: Is this acceptable to you? Is this how you want to raise your family?
Last edited by Pelican; 12-02-2009 at 04:54 AM.
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Before Al Anon I handled these situations very differently than after. It depended on what 'approach' I was trying to use to convince him how much his drinking was affecting and hurting me. Silent treatment, yelling etc.
After Al Anon, he noticed my changed attitude towards him. He'd approach me, stinky and hungover, meek, looking for a hug and apologizing. I simply saw it as pathetic and felt his hugs weren't really apologetic, but they were needy - he needed to make himself feel better, not me. I would either hug him briefly or pull away, or tell him I couldn't hug him. I would simply accept his apology with a thank you, and then went about my business. If he tried 'explaining' how he'd be better or that he was trying, responded with a simple 'I'm glad, good for you'. He couldn't get me to ease his guilt anymore and I was glad to no longer fill that hole, because once filled, his conscience would be eased and would set the stage to feel validated to drink again next time. But I guess then he drank because he (nor I) eased his guilt. So it became a new cycle that I eventually tired of and I finally asked him to leave. That's when he decided to get sober. I truly believe that him finding sobriety was not only because of me asking him to go, but a progression of how I dealt with him leading up to that time - the leaving was simply the final straw, but all the other things I did - detaching with love, leaving his drinking to be his problem, moving on with my life - slowly set the stage for the eventual decision to choose sobriety.
I felt that the way I learned to handle his promises and apologies truly made me feel better, and that I didn't have to be a prisoner to his hangover in my own home. If he was hungover and rough, tough beans. Me and the baby were still there, doing our thing. He had to work around us. I found this very empowering and it helped me recover from my hurt much faster each time he drank. Obviously I can't comment on your situation but this is what worked for me. I hope this helps.
After Al Anon, he noticed my changed attitude towards him. He'd approach me, stinky and hungover, meek, looking for a hug and apologizing. I simply saw it as pathetic and felt his hugs weren't really apologetic, but they were needy - he needed to make himself feel better, not me. I would either hug him briefly or pull away, or tell him I couldn't hug him. I would simply accept his apology with a thank you, and then went about my business. If he tried 'explaining' how he'd be better or that he was trying, responded with a simple 'I'm glad, good for you'. He couldn't get me to ease his guilt anymore and I was glad to no longer fill that hole, because once filled, his conscience would be eased and would set the stage to feel validated to drink again next time. But I guess then he drank because he (nor I) eased his guilt. So it became a new cycle that I eventually tired of and I finally asked him to leave. That's when he decided to get sober. I truly believe that him finding sobriety was not only because of me asking him to go, but a progression of how I dealt with him leading up to that time - the leaving was simply the final straw, but all the other things I did - detaching with love, leaving his drinking to be his problem, moving on with my life - slowly set the stage for the eventual decision to choose sobriety.
I felt that the way I learned to handle his promises and apologies truly made me feel better, and that I didn't have to be a prisoner to his hangover in my own home. If he was hungover and rough, tough beans. Me and the baby were still there, doing our thing. He had to work around us. I found this very empowering and it helped me recover from my hurt much faster each time he drank. Obviously I can't comment on your situation but this is what worked for me. I hope this helps.
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Now what?
Thanks so much for your help, I don't know what to do or say.
This morning he's recovering from the binge. I'm not saying a word to him, not because I feel that the silent treatment will do anything, but just because I do not WANT to talk to him, and when I do, I don't know what to say.
Do I discuss work if he asks? (We run a business together, well we are supposed to but I do most of it).
He's told me before that he's afraid that I'll leave him. How do I respond? I was thinking of just saying "that's a valid fear" and nothing else. TBH, I don't know what I'm doing. If I was financially able to, I probably would leave.
I can't even afford a lawyer if I wanted to.
Thanks again
This morning he's recovering from the binge. I'm not saying a word to him, not because I feel that the silent treatment will do anything, but just because I do not WANT to talk to him, and when I do, I don't know what to say.
Do I discuss work if he asks? (We run a business together, well we are supposed to but I do most of it).
He's told me before that he's afraid that I'll leave him. How do I respond? I was thinking of just saying "that's a valid fear" and nothing else. TBH, I don't know what I'm doing. If I was financially able to, I probably would leave.
I can't even afford a lawyer if I wanted to.
Thanks again
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
In a similar situation, I have driven to a nearby store, sat in the parking lot with paper and pen, and thought about the main msg I had for him and to get it as concise as possible...so that I'm ready to talk when the time presents itself. I'll even have my paper with me when we talk so that I don't forget. I stay calm and talk matter of fact.
I personally cannot let the binges go unnoticed. But that's just me - I'm new at this. I want him to sit down, WHEN SOBER, and realize what the hell just happened.
Last round started with: So, do you think you have a problem NOW?
Good luck with your day and focus on yourself and what you are willing to live with.
I personally cannot let the binges go unnoticed. But that's just me - I'm new at this. I want him to sit down, WHEN SOBER, and realize what the hell just happened.
Last round started with: So, do you think you have a problem NOW?
Good luck with your day and focus on yourself and what you are willing to live with.
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Sadbuthopeful,
I have been reading your posts the last few days and I am sorry that you and your children are going through all of this.
What I am about to say to you is given with compassion, but maybe it's time to speak to you FIL about your husband since it is he that has been bankrolling you for the last two years and has financially set you and your husband up in the your new business. (I think that's correct?) I know that Alanon suggests loving detachment, but there is someone else who is involved in this financially (FIL) and he has no idea what is going on.
Ugh.....I am so sorry for you, you didn't ask for this but it has happened and it's not getting better and it won't miraculously get better until changes are made. I think hun., that your problems are much greater than worrying about how you will reply to your husbands apology for his latest binge.
I wish you peace and resolve very soon.
I have been reading your posts the last few days and I am sorry that you and your children are going through all of this.
What I am about to say to you is given with compassion, but maybe it's time to speak to you FIL about your husband since it is he that has been bankrolling you for the last two years and has financially set you and your husband up in the your new business. (I think that's correct?) I know that Alanon suggests loving detachment, but there is someone else who is involved in this financially (FIL) and he has no idea what is going on.
Ugh.....I am so sorry for you, you didn't ask for this but it has happened and it's not getting better and it won't miraculously get better until changes are made. I think hun., that your problems are much greater than worrying about how you will reply to your husbands apology for his latest binge.
I wish you peace and resolve very soon.
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Thanks, yeah you're right my problems are indeed much bigger than that.
I spoke to my MIL twice today (she's divorced from FIL). We agreed that I needed to tell my FIL. I emailed him and told him everything.
My MIL is going to look for an Al Anon meeting.
It's hard bc they live really far away and we see them each once or twice a year.
To update, my AH eventually apologized. I said I didn't think he even knew what he was apologizing for. I told him briefly of the difficulties I'd encountered yesterday. I asked, as a PP suggested, if he thinks he has a drinking problem. He said yes, obviously. I asked him what he planned to do about it, and he said, well, not drink. I told him that he would need help with that and that the ppl at AA would have a wealth of info on how do accomplish this that he has never imagined. He said he wants to go. I told him that he would have to find one himself because I'm through babying him.
We'll see what happens. I hope, but I don't believe I suppose.
Thanks every one, your advice is truly golden, I couldn't deal with this without you all.
I spoke to my MIL twice today (she's divorced from FIL). We agreed that I needed to tell my FIL. I emailed him and told him everything.
My MIL is going to look for an Al Anon meeting.
It's hard bc they live really far away and we see them each once or twice a year.
To update, my AH eventually apologized. I said I didn't think he even knew what he was apologizing for. I told him briefly of the difficulties I'd encountered yesterday. I asked, as a PP suggested, if he thinks he has a drinking problem. He said yes, obviously. I asked him what he planned to do about it, and he said, well, not drink. I told him that he would need help with that and that the ppl at AA would have a wealth of info on how do accomplish this that he has never imagined. He said he wants to go. I told him that he would have to find one himself because I'm through babying him.
We'll see what happens. I hope, but I don't believe I suppose.
Thanks every one, your advice is truly golden, I couldn't deal with this without you all.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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In my own experience, I know I had to sometimes get through the small moments and keep myself from looking at the bigger picture, to help me get through some tough times. When I was more peaceful I could tackle thinking about bigger things. I found that when I focused myself each day, my baby steps led to bigger steps and so on.
Although there are larger issues here, you may not be ready to face them. Or not prepared with the right tools as of yet. So get through each moment in whatever way you need to, but please remember to keep it focused on you. I felt the need to confront him or remain angry yes, because I felt angry, but my reaction was because I wanted and expected something different from him. I don't necessarily agree with whereisthisgoing, because thinking about and confronting the binge is all about him and not you. You can work through your feelings by journalling about them, writing a letter and burning it, screaming or pounding a pillow, meditating etc. Just because you don't go on about it doesn't mean you accept it - on the contrary you are taking away its power. A binge doesn't control your life - it's a blip on your radar. Sitting down when sober to talk about it - in my own opinion it's like sitting a child down to explain why he can't just keep taking the toys from other kids. He's not your child, he's a grown adult.
I'm not saying you shouldn't make your feelings known. It's how you approach it. You can, in a non-judgemental way, tell him that you are not ok with things, and this is what you'll do (insert healthy boundary here) if it happens again. Then it's a finished topic. If he asks you about work, talk to him about it if you want. Your work has nothing to do with the binge, so treat it as such. If you don't want to talk about it, respectfully tell him that you can't talk at the moment but will let him know when you would like to.
This is loving detachment as I understand. I had tremendous trouble with it at first, crying to an al anon friend. During any particular moment, I couldn't be civil with him, or laugh at a joke, or hug him or anything, because I was angry and hurt and if I did any of those things he'd think everything was ok when it wasn't. It was up to me to 'show' him or prove something. Really, what right do I have? And another thing - here we are trying to 'send a message' with our misery, and they're probably thinking about pizza when 'things blow over'. We keep OURSELVES in the misery. My al anon friend said to take it 10 min at a time if I had to. Once I expressed my hurt feelings and he said sorry, ok, done. Next moment something funny would come up, I'd laugh. If I wanted a hug, I'd ask for one. A friend would call - ok, I'm going out, see you later. This is how you move on with your life in spite of the drinking. And sometimes it will take you down a path by yourself because the gap grows and they don't follow. But that's not up to us. You keep walking your path.
Although there are larger issues here, you may not be ready to face them. Or not prepared with the right tools as of yet. So get through each moment in whatever way you need to, but please remember to keep it focused on you. I felt the need to confront him or remain angry yes, because I felt angry, but my reaction was because I wanted and expected something different from him. I don't necessarily agree with whereisthisgoing, because thinking about and confronting the binge is all about him and not you. You can work through your feelings by journalling about them, writing a letter and burning it, screaming or pounding a pillow, meditating etc. Just because you don't go on about it doesn't mean you accept it - on the contrary you are taking away its power. A binge doesn't control your life - it's a blip on your radar. Sitting down when sober to talk about it - in my own opinion it's like sitting a child down to explain why he can't just keep taking the toys from other kids. He's not your child, he's a grown adult.
I'm not saying you shouldn't make your feelings known. It's how you approach it. You can, in a non-judgemental way, tell him that you are not ok with things, and this is what you'll do (insert healthy boundary here) if it happens again. Then it's a finished topic. If he asks you about work, talk to him about it if you want. Your work has nothing to do with the binge, so treat it as such. If you don't want to talk about it, respectfully tell him that you can't talk at the moment but will let him know when you would like to.
This is loving detachment as I understand. I had tremendous trouble with it at first, crying to an al anon friend. During any particular moment, I couldn't be civil with him, or laugh at a joke, or hug him or anything, because I was angry and hurt and if I did any of those things he'd think everything was ok when it wasn't. It was up to me to 'show' him or prove something. Really, what right do I have? And another thing - here we are trying to 'send a message' with our misery, and they're probably thinking about pizza when 'things blow over'. We keep OURSELVES in the misery. My al anon friend said to take it 10 min at a time if I had to. Once I expressed my hurt feelings and he said sorry, ok, done. Next moment something funny would come up, I'd laugh. If I wanted a hug, I'd ask for one. A friend would call - ok, I'm going out, see you later. This is how you move on with your life in spite of the drinking. And sometimes it will take you down a path by yourself because the gap grows and they don't follow. But that's not up to us. You keep walking your path.
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And another thing - here we are trying to 'send a message' with our misery, and they're probably thinking about pizza when 'things blow over'. We keep OURSELVES in the misery.
Wow silk--right on the nose. Reading this gave me such a creepy feeling. How I used to mope and grudge and send out hostile waves. Never affected my exH at all except to pi** him off - not one positive change came from my holding onto my misery. But I truly suffered.
peace-
b
Wow silk--right on the nose. Reading this gave me such a creepy feeling. How I used to mope and grudge and send out hostile waves. Never affected my exH at all except to pi** him off - not one positive change came from my holding onto my misery. But I truly suffered.
peace-
b
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Originally Posted by silkspin
Just because you don't go on about it doesn't mean you accept it - on the contrary you are taking away its power.
During any particular moment, I couldn't be civil with him, or laugh at a joke, or hug him or anything, because I was angry and hurt and if I did any of those things he'd think everything was ok when it wasn't. It was up to me to 'show' him or prove something. Really, what right do I have? And another thing - here we are trying to 'send a message' with our misery, and they're probably thinking about pizza when 'things blow over'. We keep OURSELVES in the misery.
And sometimes it will take you down a path by yourself because the gap grows and they don't follow. But that's not up to us. You keep walking your path.
During any particular moment, I couldn't be civil with him, or laugh at a joke, or hug him or anything, because I was angry and hurt and if I did any of those things he'd think everything was ok when it wasn't. It was up to me to 'show' him or prove something. Really, what right do I have? And another thing - here we are trying to 'send a message' with our misery, and they're probably thinking about pizza when 'things blow over'. We keep OURSELVES in the misery.
And sometimes it will take you down a path by yourself because the gap grows and they don't follow. But that's not up to us. You keep walking your path.
This is it for me. I want to "send the message" with my upset. If I am better, then he will think nothing bad happened or that I am over it or, or, or. If I am upset he knows it was WRONG! More control on my part.
I need to just feel my feelings and keep moving forward. It seems a balance between being genuine but not USING the upset for a purpose of manipulation. The book Passionate Marriage talks about communicating ONLY when you have something to say. When we talk with the hope/expectation of any kind of response, we are USING the communication for manipulation. Our job is to speak our truth and SELF soothe.
I feel justified in expecting a reasonable response from my mate. I fear if I let go of expecting his reasonable behavior, he won't HAVE any reasonable behavior (as if I control him!) and I will be mistreated (and maybe even not notice because I don't expect anything anymore. I could become one of those "abused women" with no self esteem that takes any crap and never complains). That's where I get confused. As if my EXPECTATIONS are the only control I have on my life. I forget/am afraid of/don't notice that I can COMMUNICATE my needs and CHOOSE things or not. I can walk away if things are unacceptable. That I can have expectations for A life partner, I just can't have expectations for any ONE in particular. They (all potential partners) get to show what they are made of and I get to choose based on what I have pre-decided I want/deserve/expect. Then the expectations are MINE and they are what I expect for myself. They potentially apply to any mate of mine. If my mate does not meet them, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with my mate, it means my mate doesn't match what I need. Simple.
This idea is totally new to me. I have felt out of control all my life because I have been trying to control others. I didn't know true and useful and successful control is self control! I didn't know that life is like a buffet and I can fill up on yucky foods or junk foods or unhealthy foods or healthy foods, as I choose. What I can't choose is what gets put out on the buffet. I can only choose what I take on my plate.
So here I am, standing beside the buffet, with lima beans on my plate. I like green foods, generally. I like healthy foods. Feeling hungry! Wanting to like them for what they are. Eating them. Whining at their consistency, wishing they were sweet peas. Happy that they are full of protein, and have a lovely sauce, but not liking that consistency. Wishing they were different. Pausing after each yucky bite and talking myself into the belief that next bite will taste waaayyy more like sweet peas. Taking some bites and really enjoying the sauce...more bites where I remember how much I dislike the consistency. Being mad at them for being lima beans. Being mad at them for having that consistency. Ignoring that I chose them. Ignoring that my whining WON'T change them a bit. Ignoring that I am not enjoying the party, despite the fact I am at a party and there is tons of good food. I can stand next to all the food and complain the rest of the evening, but it doesn't serve me. To MOVE FORWARD I get to:
a)accept I am chose lima beans and eat them or
b)accept I don't like the choice I made and compost them and go back to the buffet (or not eat again, my choice again).
I feel like if I am not upset at something WRONG in the world (yes, I see the judgment there), be it my AH's behavior or some social/environmental injustice, I am condoning it. Like I have some power over it and I have to fight it. But really, it is so and I just don't want to acknowledge it. I think my subconscious thinks, "Maybe if I get mad at it I can disappear it!" <sigh> It's not even mine to judge. It just is. I have to step away from...everything and refocus on my growth.
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Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
So beautifully said. You are so wise.
This is it for me. I want to "send the message" with my upset. If I am better, then he will think nothing bad happened or that I am over it or, or, or. If I am upset he knows it was WRONG! More control on my part.
This is it for me. I want to "send the message" with my upset. If I am better, then he will think nothing bad happened or that I am over it or, or, or. If I am upset he knows it was WRONG! More control on my part.
We are all learning together!
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i actua11y came to this conc1usion yesterday cos i sat in our 1oca1 supermarket having a coffee cos i didnt want to go home and some guy said cheer up 1ove might never happen cos id been sat there near1y in tears and i snapped and thought i cant do this anymore so went back smi1ed hugged him said sorry and thought right his drinking is his prob1em not mine time to 1ive 1ife for me and not keep thinking its my fau1t cos its not i dont drink smoke etc and 1ike to think im a nice person and wi11 1eave him to sort out his own prob1ems not gonna do moody anymore we11 try not to 
xxkia
xxkia
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Thanks again everyone...
Well I haven't heard back from FIL yet and I haven't told my AH that I contacted him. I'm SO nervous about what his reaction will be. I'm afraid that we will be destitute. I'm trying to have faith.
My husband spent all day yesterday recovering and still looks like hell this morning but he plans on working all day.
Thanks for the support and advice I really need it!
Well I haven't heard back from FIL yet and I haven't told my AH that I contacted him. I'm SO nervous about what his reaction will be. I'm afraid that we will be destitute. I'm trying to have faith.
My husband spent all day yesterday recovering and still looks like hell this morning but he plans on working all day.
Thanks for the support and advice I really need it!
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