Need financial/work advice
 

I'm in a sticky situation and I know you all are familiar with those!

My AH hasn't worked in over 2 years now. I've been a SAHM and I guess I've been in denial about his problem and I have not gone out to work.

For quite a while now, we've been relying on the financial support of my FIL. He's very well off and was happy to help for a while, but, not anymore and I can't say I blame him!

My AH and I have started a business and it has huge potential. Of course, I do 95% of the work, with 3 kids as well, ages 6,4, and 4 months. My FIL is helping somewhat until this business gets us on our feet, although he does keep changing his mind and threatens to cut us off.

I'm terrified! Let's see....debt, broke, useless AH.

What the heck do I do???? I am staying as long as possible. I've talked about breaking up but he refuses to leave the house and I am not going anywhere, this is where our business is (impossible to move it, large equipment) and we are 4, he is 1. KWIM?

My brain is in a fog. I don't know what to do about money. I want to open my own accounts, just don't know how well I can hide them.

Uughh. How do you keep finances separate when you are still together?

I dunno if this applies to your situation, but I ended up opening a separate savings and checking account and requesting paperless statements. I left the ATM card at work, and did all my banking through the internet. That allowed me to slowly extricate myself from my XH (he used to have complete access to my accounts and would often put me in overdraft to pay for his "needs").

As for the house...is there a way to get him to leave so you can remain there with your children?

I have a follow up question -

As I sit here working while taking care of my 4 month old and 4yo, he is STILL drinking at 10:45 am. Yeah, I can see that *I* will have to be the one to pick up dd and drive for about 2 hours at least to make deliveries because he is unable to.

I need financial help - my FIL doesn't know that he's drinking again. Do I voice my concerns for myself and my kids to him? I don't think I'm controling the drinking by doing this or enabling, I need to protect myself and the kids.

Please help me to think about what to do. Thank you :(

This is JMHO, and I'm no Al-Anon expert, but it seems like when it comes to protecting children you have to do certain things that go outside of the realm of "detaching". If children weren't involved in this equation it would be much easier to extricate yourself from this situation with your A, but since there are kids, you will have to take steps to protect them.

Perhaps a conversation with your FIL is in order, if only to inform him of your plans and of your H's drinking. I called my MIL and had a wonderful conversation where she shed light on many issues; it didn't solve my problems, but it gave me a better idea of what I wanted and how I was going to get there. In the end, my conversation with my MIL helped me start to leave my XAH.

Put yourself in FIL's shoes. Wouldn't you want to know if your money was going toward enabling?

L

For what it is worth do not count on an active alcoholic for anything. If you need money, kid help, etc... figure it out on your own. AH won't likely contribute consistently until he is in recovery.

If FIL has helped before, then perhaps he will help again.