honoryourself

I just can't get over it, starting yesterday, I'm just SOOOO sad. I feel like I've never felt this sad or this much pain in my life.
I was doing so much better when I was angry. AH has generally been more of a liability than a lover for me but there were good times and there was love and I had so many dreams. I keep trying to remind myself that I'm grieving the loss of my dreams but I can't help but feel so much pain.

I tried reading over the COUPLE of journal entries I wrote at home this morning but they weren't enough to make me angry again. I'd rather be angry than sad. I cooked dinner for us last night. We both cried. We watched tv, it wasn't ground breaking. We did hug. We are both sad, but I know it's wrong to stay together. He is taking steps to help us separate our finances. He put some money in the joint account to help pay bills. Maybe this is why it's so hard, because I'm realizing that he is accepting that it's over too.

Help! Talk me out of this! I keep crying at work and I can't do this.. Half of me wants to give in and say its ok and go and try to make it work again, even though my brain knows it's wrong. It just hurts so much now, going back to what we had seems to hurt less. ... I won't do it, but I want to reach out to him and hug him and hold each other. How do I stay strong? I feel so weak and lonely right now, I can't believe all that we had will be gone and I may never see this man again after a couple months.

Still Waters

Good grief, why are you torturing yourself like this? Are you playing the tape all the way through? Remembering WHY you can't be with this man? Reassuring yourself that not only is this NOT the end of the world, but just the beginning of a bright new life?

bookwyrm

Give yourself permission to feel sad. It is sad! Feelings are feelings, we don't have to react to them. You won't die from the pain and it will pass.

Things are ending for a reason. Anger helped me move on but I still got my periods of feeling blue and sad. I just didn't act on them. It was hard but I did it. Life is so much better for me on the other side of the madness that was living with STBXAH. Play the tape all the way through. You can and will have joy in the future you just have to get through this first!
:ghug3

theotherone

The good times are always the hardest to get past, unless you take into account over years just how many good times there are compared to the bad times. It's a lousy roller coaster and I know from my experience that it's time to get off. The "honeymoon" phases after the drunken rants are no longer appealing. Peace in life is what I want to know. I want this for me and for my teens.

The future can be scary only because its unknown...change is the same. But I figure life can be better than what I've experienced with this disease. I too miss the past good times, but that's in the past and I don't see a peaceful future with an active alcoholic. I deserve better and so do my sons.

I know I want to move forward and find a sense of peace...the sadness will come and go and eventually fade into the past like the good times did. The future can hold great things for us.

You have a job and can hope for and make better things happen. You'll get through the sadness, we will get through the tough times. The first thing I do when I'm sad is surround myself with the positives in my life...I have 2 great sons (how many people can say that about 16 and 17 year olds???!), I have a good job, I have very supportive friends and family and I can always go to a meeting!

I ask myself often, when I look back into the past, was I really happy or was it the illusion of happiness I created to get through?

Hang in there...life is good and a peaceful life is better...you are not alone.

honoryourself

Thanks everyone. I'll have to keep "play the tape all the way through" going in my head. I guess I have used slogans in the past, the one day at a time thing works pretty well. It's just so hard right now. I was cooking dinner anyway, I guess I just feel like a royal b**ch for not making enough for both of us. I get all gushy and feel like everyone deserves love and care sometimes. It's the codependent in me maybe?
I just hope this sad phase ends soon because it really sucks!

Still Waters

Maybe try to think ahead a bit - to what you want out of life, for yourself. Great things, fun things, awesomely great and fun things!

honoryourself

Yes, thanks. I know I have great things ahead, as I've had great things before and know I'm capable. I guess it's just a difficult day. Maybe I hadn't given up all hope yet. I guess I still have some work to do, then again I guess I can't also expect to be done grieving the loss of my marriage in a matter of one month. I'm still coming to terms..

Just the tips on how to make that easier are helpful. I've kept myself very busy but sometimes I feel like I'm running through all of this and I need to slow down.. then when I do I get weepy and want my husband back to tell me everything will be OK.

Live

It is kind of like a surgery. It is painful and no one really wants one, but it is something we do so that we can be well and live well.