Cucumber2Pickle

My ABF is currently in treatment and things have been awful this last week. He has been detoxing and he also had to do it over the holiday and around his entire family. Over the week I have spoke with close friends and his mother and found a few "small" things I cant do so the situation doesnt get out of control.

Normally if he does something mean, rude, etc I call him out and it leads to a full on war between us. Usually the war is ended in a short time but sometimes it may take a day or so. One thing I hate is when he fights - he not only says things that make no sense at all - but will bring up faults of mine once he realizes he is losing the current argument - so the fight never ends and afterward I realize we argued over many different things and not even the things that started the fight.

One thing - is when he gets snippy or "stabs" at me. Rather than argue back or stand up for myself. I simply say "Ill consider the source" or "Im very sorry that you feel that way" and if he keeps going - Ill repeat what I said. I havent had to repeat myself but the repercussions are somewhat funny. He will sit there angry with his arms crosses and I can just see is mind running and trying to figure out either something to say - or trying to figure out why I dont care to reply. He stomps around...stops and looks at me like he is gonna say something..stops, puts his head down and walks away. Within about 10-20 minutes he comes out and apologizes.

Another thing I have done is when wants to argue about something stupid (which is often) usually its about something he saw on tv or something that happened and I say - no thats not what happened. He gets defensive and freaks out. Ive learned that none of these stupid things are worth argiung about. My friend told me an addict will argue for hours that a red balloon is Blue and you are an idiot for thinking otherwise. So a way I have been told to get around fighting about this - is to say "Well thats not what I remember or heard but Im interested in what you are saying" or if he is telling me about something he read I might say "Ive never heard of that theory but it sounds interesting." A lot of this has come up when he is trying to describe his addiction to me - like what he learns in treatment.

One more - this is obvious and talked about in alanon and such - but...well Im not sure how to explain it so Ill give you an example. We were leaving home and heading out of town to see relatives. He mentioned he wanted some food and to stop at a fast food place. I said sure - we live in a busy part of the city, I was anxious and didnt wanna deal with the traffic from black friday so I hopped on the interstate and was going to get him food at a spot about 3 exits away. No big deal. Well he starts going off like WHY DIDNT YOU STOP AND GET ME FOOD! I told him I would btu I ddint want to go anywhere near the mall (which we live very close to) and he pouts and crosses his arms and starts moaning about "How all I think about is myself and nobody else" (keep in mind I spent the holiday w his fam and didnt see mine - bc of this he promised me we can spend xmas with mine) so I was DEFINETLY not being selfish - He had already won so far. So we get to the exit and I say "Where do you want to eat?" He said "im not hungry anymore!" so I said ok - and went straight to his familys which was about an hour away. Normally I would offer him over and over and over to get food - or get upset bc I felt bad he wasnt eating and it was MY FAULT. Basically stick to what they say they want when they are being whiney. Halfway there he got mad bc he was hungry and I said "im sorry you are hungry but I offered to stop and you didnt want to" and he just stared at me...again kinda funny bc I won and he didnt know what to do about it. He later apologized and said he shouldnt have been a baby about it.

I know that these wont make a HUGE deal and I know some people are beyond this. I also know that these may not work in ALL situations or with all addicts. But I thought I would share these tips with you - I think I have avoided about 10-15 different fights in the last week just by doing this.

Hope you all had a great holiday

kv816

I tried all of those too. Lord I can't count how many conversations we had that I was hanging on to the phone rolling my eyes round and round and round. Or playing the worlds teeniest little violin for him. Or making my fingers into a duck bill to go along with his quacking. Or a combination of all of the above.

I learned to control myself in the situation. It was so much easier than trying to control the situation itself, or control him. Did it always work? Nah. Nothing ever did. But it sure made me feel better, sometimes.

Keep up the good thinking!!!