dysfunction and moving out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
dysfunction and moving out
Hi. I am really swamped with a lot of stuff right now.
I am moving with my 4 year old son into a smaller apartment on Tuesday. The decision to leave the house where my A lived with us feels good most of the time, but I am really shocked by how emotional I am getting.
This is the only home my son has ever known. we are downsizing in order to be able to afford being without A (sons father). I am crying every time my son asks what it will be like where we are going, and if daddy will be living with us.
I will get through this part of it...what happens next is a mystery, but I am getting used to it.
My As' mother and I are close. She stepped up and helped me parent my son, and her and my As father have helped me through the years in innumerable ways.
My A had said he would help with the move when he could. I dont have that many people to ask, and it is a major move. He bailed on today. He said he would help with van loads (truck comes Tuesday), but called several times today, when I reminded him we were moving today and Tuesday, he did not offer once to help. I was short handed. it sucked. I thought it was probably better than having to deal with his cranky half drunken bull, so I just let it go.
His mother has asked me recently to please not share our conflicts with her anymore. She feels like she failed, she was abusive when he was young, she had a similar early marriage. She just sometimes cant take the heartbreak anymore. And the guilt. She just gets so overwhelmed reliving her old life before A's father cleaned up. I can understand that. They have worked hard and have a fairly healthy life now (with each other).
I agreed to not discuss any A specific info, as much as is possible, anyway.
I went to meet her for dinner, we were making plans about the move...She will help, then take child away for hours, A's brothers are helping.
(MyA has work, but, had originally said he would try to leave for two hours/he is a supervisor...I asked him about it today, he said probably no dice.) During dinner I made a point of not even discussing A or implying anything. SHE did NOT ask.
So I am here putting my son to bed, and just received an irate call from A.
He said his mother had called him crying. She was so heartbroken and embarrassed that he was not even going to help his own son move across the neighborhood. She screamed at him, called him lousy and disrespectful. She said how could he sleep knowing that two of his younger brothers would be here doing this for me and his son, doing his job as a man and as a father. ...
He then said, "I want you to call my mother, tell her I did not make any coordinated plans with you to move. All I said was I would TRY to help if I could. I need you to make this clear to her. I am sick of you poisoning her against me."
I said that I had not even mentioned him at all to her, that this was between them, this was her independent feeling and expression, and he would have to deal with it. It is not my job to make his mommy feel good about his choices.
I also pointed out that he did in fact make a plan to be here today, but "had" to hang out with a buddy instead.
What a baby... He actually said, " I cannot believe you wont call her and tell her that I am not letting you down. You have no respect for what I am going through. You are selfish, all you care about is yourself."
Holy Projection, Batman!!
And, hold your applause, the best part is I actually feel kind of detached. Mildly annoyed, but mostly amused.
I think this is some kind of progress?
I am moving with my 4 year old son into a smaller apartment on Tuesday. The decision to leave the house where my A lived with us feels good most of the time, but I am really shocked by how emotional I am getting.
This is the only home my son has ever known. we are downsizing in order to be able to afford being without A (sons father). I am crying every time my son asks what it will be like where we are going, and if daddy will be living with us.
I will get through this part of it...what happens next is a mystery, but I am getting used to it.
My As' mother and I are close. She stepped up and helped me parent my son, and her and my As father have helped me through the years in innumerable ways.
My A had said he would help with the move when he could. I dont have that many people to ask, and it is a major move. He bailed on today. He said he would help with van loads (truck comes Tuesday), but called several times today, when I reminded him we were moving today and Tuesday, he did not offer once to help. I was short handed. it sucked. I thought it was probably better than having to deal with his cranky half drunken bull, so I just let it go.
His mother has asked me recently to please not share our conflicts with her anymore. She feels like she failed, she was abusive when he was young, she had a similar early marriage. She just sometimes cant take the heartbreak anymore. And the guilt. She just gets so overwhelmed reliving her old life before A's father cleaned up. I can understand that. They have worked hard and have a fairly healthy life now (with each other).
I agreed to not discuss any A specific info, as much as is possible, anyway.
I went to meet her for dinner, we were making plans about the move...She will help, then take child away for hours, A's brothers are helping.
(MyA has work, but, had originally said he would try to leave for two hours/he is a supervisor...I asked him about it today, he said probably no dice.) During dinner I made a point of not even discussing A or implying anything. SHE did NOT ask.
So I am here putting my son to bed, and just received an irate call from A.
He said his mother had called him crying. She was so heartbroken and embarrassed that he was not even going to help his own son move across the neighborhood. She screamed at him, called him lousy and disrespectful. She said how could he sleep knowing that two of his younger brothers would be here doing this for me and his son, doing his job as a man and as a father. ...
He then said, "I want you to call my mother, tell her I did not make any coordinated plans with you to move. All I said was I would TRY to help if I could. I need you to make this clear to her. I am sick of you poisoning her against me."
I said that I had not even mentioned him at all to her, that this was between them, this was her independent feeling and expression, and he would have to deal with it. It is not my job to make his mommy feel good about his choices.
I also pointed out that he did in fact make a plan to be here today, but "had" to hang out with a buddy instead.
What a baby... He actually said, " I cannot believe you wont call her and tell her that I am not letting you down. You have no respect for what I am going through. You are selfish, all you care about is yourself."
Holy Projection, Batman!!
And, hold your applause, the best part is I actually feel kind of detached. Mildly annoyed, but mostly amused.
I think this is some kind of progress?
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Wrote this on the other thread but I will post it here, lol....
Buffalo,
I am incredibly impressed with how you handled the situation. Good for you!!
I am actually the recovering alcoholic in my family but I had to tell you that you should be SOOOO proud of yourself! Great job!!!!! And your son is so lucky to have you!!!!
Buffalo,
I am incredibly impressed with how you handled the situation. Good for you!!
I am actually the recovering alcoholic in my family but I had to tell you that you should be SOOOO proud of yourself! Great job!!!!! And your son is so lucky to have you!!!!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Yay! you're moving away from the madness and doing great. In no time you'll be waking up in your own house and that's when the real work and payoff begins because you won't be focused on dumba** but yourself and your child.
I'm proud of and excited for you-but moving sucks!
I'm proud of and excited for you-but moving sucks!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Won't it be great to be rid of the chaos and crazies. When I moved I kept only stuff I really needed and loved. Downsizing and decluttering was great. Now I do not allow clutter to pile up and I can find stuff. If you don't love it -give it to somebody who will love it. I got rid of old stuff. I gave it to my sister. I put together a simpler, cheerie,colorful,open space.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
