whyamistaying

I filed for divorce 3 weeks ago. He was going to jail for 2nd DUI, fired for drinking, and the list goes on.

He has not left the house and the atty says I can't make him leave unless it is a domestic violence issue.

Anyways, his work hired him back at 15% pay decrease only if he goes to AA meetings every day. He has been going every day and I thought he was getting better. I found a beer when I was cooking hidden and another day in the garage.

He was gone for 2 hours at an AA meeting and came back. Within minutes, my 5 year old came running in and told me, "Daddy is lying and he is drinking beer. He promised me he wouldn't drink." I told her to help me do laundary. Then she went up to him and said, "Daddy why did you lie to me. That is beer. You promised me you wouldn't drink anymore. You didn't keep your promise. That's not okay."

And he told her, "You lie too. You don't keep your promises." Then he said, "I don't want to hear about" as I was immediately coming in. I shut the door so it was just her and I. I explained to her that lying isn't good and no it is not okay that Daddy lies. That she doesn't need to worry about beer (but that might have not been the right thing to say). I was kinda at a loss on what to say.

We left for 6 hours.

Meanwhile, he had taken a credit card (which we are still jointly on doh moment) and gone to the store (to buy beer).

I'm so heart-broken for her. For me too in a bit. I am sad. With all that has happened, I don't think he will ever stop. He will lose his job again and he has only been working for 3 days since being rehired.

Meanwhile, he won't leave.

Still Waters

Maybe it's time to think about finding a new safe, serene, loving place for you and her to go?

whyamistaying

There are 3 of us (my 2 kids and I) and 4 animals. It makes more sense for him to go cause he'll just drink here and not feed the animals.

Let me think on this...what a nightmare.

Dreamer42long

Dear Why...: I feel so bad for you and especially for your daughter. The best thing would be to get him to move out. Perhaps maybe call on a social worker and ask if there is anything you can do to get him out of the house. I can't imagine that there isn't some way to get him out of the house. He poses a danger to you and your children and it's simply not safe to have an active A in the house with small kids.

Please let us know what happens....:praying

Still Waters

Absolutely it makes more sense for him to go - but since when does sense enter into an alcoholic relationship?

Just remember that you DO have options, I woke up to that fact way later than I should have, in retrospect.

whyamistaying

I guess there is something I can do...I can call the cops right now as he is not allowed to drink any alcohol or it violates his probation and he goes to jail for 35 days. But I don't think Al Anon would say I should meddle unless it is life and death.

While he was passed out, I took back the credit card. I will open an account in my name and then freeze this one.

I have two kids: ages 5 and 2. I videotaped him tonight while he was walking around. You can kinda of tell he is drunk. Don't know why I videotaped him, just maybe for evidence. I don't know.

Last time when we left, he was on a binge for 5 days and didn't feed the dogs or pigs. I had to keep coming back 2x/day to feed them and give them their meds. It is way easier for him to leave.

Bernadette

What a nightmare.
I woould get myself and my kids out of there.

The only way to get out of a nightmarish situation like this is to do whatever it takes.

I suffered financially when I finally left my exH. In fact, 10 years later I am still not completely recovered from the financial damage of my marriage. Big whoop. The sooner I got us (me and my 2 boys) out of there the sooner I was able to set up a loving, consistent, warm, and predictable home life for my children. And that's all that matters....nothing else matters. The last 10 years have been a struggle money -wise - but our family life has been great, rich in spirit not dollars, and best of all: no nightmarish bs going on in a lousy marriage to negatively influence my sons.

Your daughter is getting so many mixed signals and and seeing/hearing things no child should have to see...what more is it gonna take???? Her father telling her "you lie too" and mom telling her she needn't worry about beer? Every time I heard a budweiser can pffffft open when I was a little girl it made my stomach turn and ratcheted up my anxiety...and my mother wanted us all to pretend it meant nothing too....yuk. Nobody could tell me it meant nothing - and if they did they were obviously not living in the same universe that I was. I hated the sober liars most of all. My mother always pretending things weren't actually what they were - she made me doubt myself constantly or she just made me enraged. I knew I was being lied to. I wasn't stupid. Just young and unprotected.

Good luck to you. Since he's not moving out what's the plan?

peace-
b

Buffalo66

You are doing the best you can. You will do what is right. You have great instincts. Make a plan and follow through. We can only do the best we can.

Your family deserves better, and I think if you talk to social services or an atty, they can help you find a way to have him at least observed for parental fitness, then maybe he will have to leave.

Buffalo66

You are doing the best you can. You will do what is right. You have great instincts. Make a plan and follow through. We can only do the best we can.

Your family deserves better, and I think if you talk to social services or an atty, they can help you find a way to have him at least observed for parental fitness, then maybe he will have to leave.

Maybe even just speak to your local police.

A friend of mine(male) has three kids with an unstable woman, and they live in his house. The police told him it is next to impossible to remove a woman with children from their fathers' property. Just a thought, maybe the police know the rules.

I record phone calls. Proof is OK to have.

laurie6781

That is not 'meddling.' That is making your home safe for your children and you. Call them, you also made the video tape. Even if it's early morning b4 he leaves for work they can do a urine test. He has VIOLATED his probation.

Do you want peace and serenity or do you want the chaos you are living in now?

This would give you an additional 35 days to figure out your next move and .................. a peaceful Xmas and New Year.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

TakingCharge999

I agree with laurie...and talk to the police about the timing so you can be away while they test him and take him away. Or have someone over while the whole thing happens as alcoholics can get agressive when you "betray" them. You would not be doing this as an ex partner but as a concerned citizen and Mom. He could kill someone on the roads if he is driving drunk.

Priorities are you and the kids... dogs and pigs we can worry about later don't you think? maybe have a 3rd party help you out with the daily visits for medicines, etc. while you and the kids are safe and far far away.

I am worried about you, that man sounds dangerous. Take care, I am sending good vibes your way.

JenT1968

yes, yes, yes!!

these are his consequences, he gets to have them, and you get to have a peaceful christmas: can't think of a better present.

LaTeeDa

Children learn what they live. I just spent the Thanksgiving holiday with my mom and stepdad and I had some major moments of clarity about how I ended up where I did. Your children are absorbing everything. They are learning what marriage is from you and your husband. Is this what you want for them? Unless you do something to change the situation, this is what they will grow up and repeat. Do you want your daughter to grow up and have a marriage like yours? Maybe if my mom had made the difficult choices when I was a child, I wouldn't have ended up married to an alcoholic for 18 years. I only hope I made the difficult choices soon enough to teach my children differently.

L

naive

can you and the children go and stay with your parents until the separation/divorce stuff is settled?

whyamistaying

Thanks everyone. I packed the kids up in the car and took them out for mini ice cream cones and then drove for 1 hour until they had fallen asleep. I knew by then he would be asleep and he was.

It's been 3 weeks since filing for divorce, and it takes 6 months in my state...so another 5 months left.

The kids and I can stay with my mom and they would probably let my dogs come. I could find a guinea pig rescue to take in my pigs temporarily. I was thinking last night, maybe paying a neighbor since the pigs have heart condition and need medicine. My oldest dog has to have meds 2x/day too so I can't leave him home either.

The kids and I stayed at my mom's back in September when he was on the 5 day binge and it was okay. The kids loved it. It was weird, but the kids had a great time.

Maybe we can stay here during the days when he is at work and then spent the evenings and nights at my mom's? Then I'd have to pack the animals up. I have a lot to do today.

I agree about my daughter getting mixed signals. I don't know what else to do about that while he is here. My mom said I need to focus on getting him out of the house. Since I filed, the kids and I try to be gone when he is home. He's always home. He doesn't drive. He doesn't go anywhere.

I hope I handled it right with my daughter. At my Al Anon meetings, I hear stories from adult children whose parent was an alcoholic and they are in their 30s, 40s, and 50s...and here we are at 5 years old and she is witnessing it.

nodaybut2day

whyamistaying...Just wanted to say you're awesome for getting your kids out and getting organized like this.

whyamistaying

You guys got me thinking. I need to think out of the box--thank you. I could have my neighbor feed my dogs at night and the pigs and do both their meds. This neighbor was an alcoholic and so was his wife and they have been sober for years. AH went there to ask for beer when we were out of the house so this neighbor knows about everything already. So, all I'd have to say is we are gone at nights, can you deal with the dogs and pigs?

Then in the a.m., he leaves for work by 5:00 a.m., the kids and I could come back during the day and I'll give the animals their a.m. meds. Then he is back home about 6:30 p.m. and we can be gone by then.

Second......maybe someone can chime in with sponsor experience or something....I really thought I wasn't supposed to meddle as far as calling the police if he has been drinking. I thought I'm supposed to take care of myself...

So a genuine question here...is reporting him for drinking something "allowable?" I don't really want to, to be honest. I don't want that on my hands. He isn't driving and I figure between work and his probation officer, someone will find out. Any advice? I"m still new to Al Anon and don't have a sponsor yet, so maybe I'm out in left field on this.

Trying2BeMe

Last summer my AH was on probation for a dv issue while intoxicated. So when he was drinkin and I was praying the cop would come by to do a breathalizer check I got fed up and called his PO who in return kept it anonomis and called and said I am sending someone over right now to do the test, tell me now if you have been drinking or else and he rightfully admitted it on the phone and a cop was there within the hour and took him to jail.

laurie6781

He is in VIOLATION of his probation. If I were you I WOULD REPORT HIM to his probation officer and the police. That is me. I would prefer to keep my children in their familiar surroundings and not have to take them away from 'their home' every night.

Allowable? Of course it is allowable. This is not meddling. This is for your children's and your safety and peace and serenity. He is PROGRESSING. With progression comes bizarre sometimes very dangerous behaviors.

Why would that be 'on your hands'? I would and have reported 'drunk drivers', people violating their parole or probation when it affects my kids or grand kids. And do you honestly think they don't 'smell' him at work?

And the other side of the coin ...................................... if you do not report him are you not ENABLING him to continue his behaviors and violate his probation?

Love and hugs,

coffeedrinker

Not acceptable, not by a long shot. Please, don't just roll over. You have already made some good decisions.

I hope you have called the police. That sounds like the smartest move of all. Then if he's locked up you will be able to truly breathe.