New here, AH in denial.. Test, 1, 2..
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Birmingham, AL
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New here, AH in denial.. Test, 1, 2..
ok, I'm new here, first post, and i lm doing this on my phone because I don't have the internet at.my apt anymore.. Just wrote the whole long story in a post that got deleted, so I'm a bit discouraged, but I wanna get this out bc I need help, so I'm gonna post this in 2 parts to make sure I get it all up this time. Please hsve patience with me, I really need help.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 15
ok, part 1..
I met AH when he had just finished rehab for heroin addiction. He moved to my hometown because it was near the facility and he wanted a fresh start. We met 5 years ago in a bar, got drunk, went home together, and the rest was history. We have been living together for 4 years, married for the last 2 and a half. He has drank EVERY SINGLE NIGHT that I have known him except for 3 - once the first week we were together when he was trying to stay clean, once 4 years ago when I asked of he could go one night without drinking, and the third time when I was in labor w DD 2 and a half months ago. I never really drank that much because I was in school the whole time we were together, and I didn't have time to do that. I did have a problem with adderall, I got a script from my psychiatrist and used it until I graduated w my masterls. I began to abuse it, and I stopped taking it cold turkey the month before I got pregnant, luckily. To this day, I don't drink, take and pills, and I take care of my body while exclusively breastfeeding DD. While on adderall, I was so one-track minded about school I ignored his drinking, plus I felt that I had no room to judge. But ever since I got pregnant almost a year ago, it has become glaringly obvious that it will be the death of us. See part 2..
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and here is part 2..
I told him repeatedly throughout the pregnnancy that he had to change since DD was on the way, but he would dismiss my pleas, acting like I was a complete alarmist. He has been sleeping until 3ish everyday for years now, waking up and going to work waiting tables at night. He is late every day, but never gets in trouble since he is a good employee who has been there for years. He takes so long to do everything, he has to have his routine, smoke, walk the dog, change shirts, take a bath, repeat, repeat. Now that DD is 2 and a half months old, we have formed a routine out of necessity. I work at the same place he does, I go in at 10 on the morning, he watches DD while I'm there, and I come home and watch her at night. She sleeps in the bed with me in our room, and he stays out in the living room playing video games or watching dvds until 5 or 6am on a good night, 7 on a bad one. Then he gets up to watch the baby. I monitor how much he drinks, I even kept a log for a couple of months when I was preganat of what he drank every day. Right now its about a pint of whiskey a night, he starts late and kind of halfway hides it like he's ashamed, but acts like I'm crazy when I express concern. I don't trust him with our daughter bc I don't think he has enough sleep in the morn to be right in the head. I found his xbox controller on the floor of the bathroom yesterday like he wandered in there at night and just dropped it there. Oh, looks like this needs a third part. Humor me, I'm almost done, ya'll
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now for the third and final installment..
I have also found him asleep in his chair on the balcony where he goes out to smoke on many occasions early in the morning, still holding his long-since burned out cigarette, and its obvious that he has been asleep out there for quite awhile, so I stick my head out the door and yell at him to wake up, and he staggers in half awake, mad at me for asking him what he's been doing out there for so long. Then when I ask him about it later when he's clear headed, he says he doesn't remember it, that he sleepwalks sometimes, or that he had just woken up and gone out for a smoke, when I know he's never even been to bed. He just blatantly lies about it. When I was pregnant I couldn't work much, and I was on maternity leave for 2 months, he had to support us, and his mom helped out alot. She lives 8 hours away and knows none of this, I'm pretty sure. I've told some of my family and my mom is really worried, she's a social worker, so she knows red flags when she sees them. I'm financially screwed, the master's made me have to declare bankruptcy, which I'm struggling to pay to get filed in between past due bills. We had to turn off our cable, hence the internet being gone, to save money while I was on leave, but he still has enough money to spend 20 bucks a day on alcohol and cigs. I want to start my career sice I've been out of school for a year now, but I feel so hopeless and unmotivated that I can't bring myself to do anything about it but to continue working in the restaurant bc I feel like we're stuck because of him. Mainly, though, I am worried about my DD. What if he went for custody if we split? I would rater die than let her stay overnight w him alone! And I was a child of divorce, I don't want to put DD through that, but I also don't want her in this miserable existence either, like we are living the same day over and over, no dreams, no ans for the future, just life around his habit and corresponding rituals. Oh, yeah, he took pain pills for a couple of years, up through half of my pregnancy, then got on suboxone, and acted like a saint because he did that before DD was born. I feel so lost. Thanks for listening.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Start by taking things one little piece at a time? What options are open to you? Can you move in with a friend who would be willing to help watch the baby while you work? Do you have relatives you could stay with until you get on your feet?
You always have options, it's just sometimes hard to see what they are.
I can tell you this: You can't change him, and the odds are he's not going to want to change himself.
You CAN change things for you and the baby however, and she deserves better than what you're living with now.
You always have options, it's just sometimes hard to see what they are.
I can tell you this: You can't change him, and the odds are he's not going to want to change himself.
You CAN change things for you and the baby however, and she deserves better than what you're living with now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Wow Scaredtochange - that is quite a post via cell phone! I had to post via cell phone 3 weeks ago for a week and a half while in a DV shelter, and I can vouch that it's no easy task, and that if you fill up more than a box worth, you lose it all. You must be tenacious, and hurting. My heart goes out to you, dear!
What about your Mom... could you stay with her for a while? One of the things I found was that, no matter how much I felt as though I depended upon my AH, I was capable of being more independent than I thought. My guess is that's true with you, too. I also found that I had more TRUE friends that were willing to help than I ever thought possible.
And keep taking care of yourself, as you have been. Find the time to go to Al-Anon if at all possible. And keep reading and posting here. You'll find lots of help and encouragement!
Here's a huge HUG for you!
Tigg
What about your Mom... could you stay with her for a while? One of the things I found was that, no matter how much I felt as though I depended upon my AH, I was capable of being more independent than I thought. My guess is that's true with you, too. I also found that I had more TRUE friends that were willing to help than I ever thought possible.
And keep taking care of yourself, as you have been. Find the time to go to Al-Anon if at all possible. And keep reading and posting here. You'll find lots of help and encouragement!
Here's a huge HUG for you!
Tigg
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 75
Welcome Scaredtochange: I am very concerned about your DD. I would not trust someone like that to take care of a 2 months old baby! You really need to find alternate daycare arrangements and I know that's probably impossible given your financial situation. Perhaps someone at work knows someone, or do you have family close by that could help out?
If anything ever happened to that baby because of him, you would not be able to forgive yourself....
If anything ever happened to that baby because of him, you would not be able to forgive yourself....
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the family stc!
Wow, that's a lot of typing on a cell phone! I will echo the recommendation for Alanon meetings. I also recommend Melody Beatties book "Codependent No More."
In my past relationship I monitored alcohol intack, sleeping habits, eating habits, etc.....I felt more like a mother than partner. It was unhealthy for the relationship and me. I was putting more effort into helping my partner than my partner was willing to put into helping himself. I began to resent how much time I was spending on worrying about him. That's when I knew I was codependent.
Today, I try to let others take care of themselves and live life as they choose. Their choices = their consequences.
Please take care of yourself and DD. Keep reading and posting as much as needed.
Wow, that's a lot of typing on a cell phone! I will echo the recommendation for Alanon meetings. I also recommend Melody Beatties book "Codependent No More."
In my past relationship I monitored alcohol intack, sleeping habits, eating habits, etc.....I felt more like a mother than partner. It was unhealthy for the relationship and me. I was putting more effort into helping my partner than my partner was willing to put into helping himself. I began to resent how much time I was spending on worrying about him. That's when I knew I was codependent.
Today, I try to let others take care of themselves and live life as they choose. Their choices = their consequences.
Please take care of yourself and DD. Keep reading and posting as much as needed.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
hi there and welcome to SR!
I just wanted to post to tell you I empathize with you. My DD is 16 months old now, and I also lived with an alcoholic until about 4 weeks ago. My XH wasn't/isn't as bad as what you describe yours to be, but I completely understand your fears with regards to his capacity to take care of your daughter.
Have you thought of consulting a lawyer, even one of those free phone consults? Perhaps you qualify for legal aid? If you are still breastfeeding your child, I don't believe he could obtain custody, especially since she is so young. Anyhow, talking to a lawyer about my concerns really helped settle my mind, and helped me figure out what to do when I left. The log you kept of his drinking is priceless IMO, because you could use it in court to demand that your AH only be granted supervised visitation since he is unable to monitor his alcohol intake. I'm not saying you should leave, but know that if you do, there are ressources out there to help...
Keep posting and reading...the people here are awesome!
I just wanted to post to tell you I empathize with you. My DD is 16 months old now, and I also lived with an alcoholic until about 4 weeks ago. My XH wasn't/isn't as bad as what you describe yours to be, but I completely understand your fears with regards to his capacity to take care of your daughter.
Have you thought of consulting a lawyer, even one of those free phone consults? Perhaps you qualify for legal aid? If you are still breastfeeding your child, I don't believe he could obtain custody, especially since she is so young. Anyhow, talking to a lawyer about my concerns really helped settle my mind, and helped me figure out what to do when I left. The log you kept of his drinking is priceless IMO, because you could use it in court to demand that your AH only be granted supervised visitation since he is unable to monitor his alcohol intake. I'm not saying you should leave, but know that if you do, there are ressources out there to help...
Keep posting and reading...the people here are awesome!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
wow, how sad. I'm where you are with the debts piling up around us and AH still maintaining his right to smoke $300/mo or more and drink $300/mo as well. That's a rent payment! Unfortunately we have a mortgage payment that costs much more than that and he's hardly making anything at the moment and we are swimming in debts.
I think it sounds like you could use a change of pace.. try some al-anon or something, start thinking about your options--you have a masters! that's fantastic! go use it if you can! Good luck in this.
I think it sounds like you could use a change of pace.. try some al-anon or something, start thinking about your options--you have a masters! that's fantastic! go use it if you can! Good luck in this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I want to start my career sice I've been out of school for a year now, but I feel so hopeless and unmotivated that I can't bring myself to do anything about it but to continue working in the restaurant bc I feel like we're stuck because of him.
Well right now it sounds like you are stuck because of him. But the good news is you can turn that all around in an instant when you realize the only thing holding you back is the one thing you CAN control and that is you!
The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
That's great that you have a masters. Can you get in touch with career services at your old college or job placement and see what kind of help they offer alums? Whenever I've been in a difficult (impossible!) situation the thing that made change possible was a little plan. Even baby steps will take you where you want to go. Maybe make a little plan to get your resume in order or contact a resume builder through your old school or online?
What if he went for custody if we split? I would rater die than let her stay overnight w him alone!
Oy! Don't borrow trouble from a non-existent fantasy future. Stay in this moment, today. When I awfulize the future it just paralyzes me in the "now."
And I was a child of divorce, I don't want to put DD through that, but I also don't want her in this miserable existence either, like we are living the same day over and over, no dreams, no ans for the future, just life around his habit and corresponding rituals
Well, your marriage isn't your parent's marriage. It isn't anybody else's marriage. Is it working for you?
And my divorce was nothing like my parent's marriage. My mother stayed married to my A father. I got a divorce 7 years into my marriage. Guess who has the fu**ed up kids? I am very happily divorced many years now and my boys have thrived.
What you are living is the classic picture of life with an alcoholic/addict. It can really wear you down, sap your motivation, make you doubt your freedom and your sanity. It's great that you found this place - you're not alone. Keep reading and posting and learning about ways to help yourself. AlAnon really turned my head around.
Value your mental health and the atmosphere you are raising your daughter in. Good decisions in those departments you will never regret!
(((((((hugs)))))))
peace-
b
Well right now it sounds like you are stuck because of him. But the good news is you can turn that all around in an instant when you realize the only thing holding you back is the one thing you CAN control and that is you!
The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
That's great that you have a masters. Can you get in touch with career services at your old college or job placement and see what kind of help they offer alums? Whenever I've been in a difficult (impossible!) situation the thing that made change possible was a little plan. Even baby steps will take you where you want to go. Maybe make a little plan to get your resume in order or contact a resume builder through your old school or online?
What if he went for custody if we split? I would rater die than let her stay overnight w him alone!
Oy! Don't borrow trouble from a non-existent fantasy future. Stay in this moment, today. When I awfulize the future it just paralyzes me in the "now."
And I was a child of divorce, I don't want to put DD through that, but I also don't want her in this miserable existence either, like we are living the same day over and over, no dreams, no ans for the future, just life around his habit and corresponding rituals
Well, your marriage isn't your parent's marriage. It isn't anybody else's marriage. Is it working for you?
And my divorce was nothing like my parent's marriage. My mother stayed married to my A father. I got a divorce 7 years into my marriage. Guess who has the fu**ed up kids? I am very happily divorced many years now and my boys have thrived.
What you are living is the classic picture of life with an alcoholic/addict. It can really wear you down, sap your motivation, make you doubt your freedom and your sanity. It's great that you found this place - you're not alone. Keep reading and posting and learning about ways to help yourself. AlAnon really turned my head around.
Value your mental health and the atmosphere you are raising your daughter in. Good decisions in those departments you will never regret!
(((((((hugs)))))))
peace-
b
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 15
Thanks everybody...
your support so far is amazing. Really. Just to hear that validation that I'm not crazy for thinking there's a problem here is so awesome, made me feel better than I've felt in awhile. I got up the nerve to say something to him this morning thanks to your posts, and we got in a huge fight. He got really angry, asked if I was threatening him, said I know he's never been a good sleeper, that he's been taking great care of her so far. "So FAR..." I said. Needless to say, that infuriated him. Then when I got off today, he was short w me, we argued a bit, then he dropped it and played nice. He never hit me or anything like that, he's pretty laid back, and I've never been scared of him. There is love between us. That's what makes this so sad. He adores DD too, so this is gonna be really togh if I decide to leave him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
There is love between us.
I know how you feel and it is very, very sad. WE all love our alcoholics. It is just such a formidable foe - but you cannot separate the "alcoholic" from the individual. It's a package deal.
I found (it took me years! and many AlAnon meetings!) ways to love my A brothers without letting them damage my life. Oh man, I had a lot to learn. First I had to accept that love was not even a consideration for an alcoholic to change. It just is not part of the equation. I could not "love" them into changing or into good health. I did learn that I could "love" them to death though by enabling. And enabling takes many forms - not just the obvious "financial support."
I learned that it was important for me to love myself enough to do the right things for myself. Because if I do not take care of myself and my children I have nothing to offer any other human being. When I make decisions based on my health and sanity and the safety of my children then I am doing ALL I can do for the alcoholic. That didn't make sense to me at first but it sure did after I accepted a basic truth about addiction:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.
And it is sad, and it is tough. I grew up with an alcoholic father. I would not wish that hell on anyone. It was a psychological hell that took me many years of AlAnon, a bad marriage, and 3 rounds of one-on-therapy to finally BEGIN to unravel the damage. And I loved my dad. I loved him very, very much.
Have you checked out the "stickies" at the top of the first page of this forum? Lots of great stuff in there - esp the "Classic Reading."
peace to you!
b
I know how you feel and it is very, very sad. WE all love our alcoholics. It is just such a formidable foe - but you cannot separate the "alcoholic" from the individual. It's a package deal.
I found (it took me years! and many AlAnon meetings!) ways to love my A brothers without letting them damage my life. Oh man, I had a lot to learn. First I had to accept that love was not even a consideration for an alcoholic to change. It just is not part of the equation. I could not "love" them into changing or into good health. I did learn that I could "love" them to death though by enabling. And enabling takes many forms - not just the obvious "financial support."
I learned that it was important for me to love myself enough to do the right things for myself. Because if I do not take care of myself and my children I have nothing to offer any other human being. When I make decisions based on my health and sanity and the safety of my children then I am doing ALL I can do for the alcoholic. That didn't make sense to me at first but it sure did after I accepted a basic truth about addiction:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.
And it is sad, and it is tough. I grew up with an alcoholic father. I would not wish that hell on anyone. It was a psychological hell that took me many years of AlAnon, a bad marriage, and 3 rounds of one-on-therapy to finally BEGIN to unravel the damage. And I loved my dad. I loved him very, very much.
Have you checked out the "stickies" at the top of the first page of this forum? Lots of great stuff in there - esp the "Classic Reading."
peace to you!
b
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 15
I just spent some time looking at the stickies that you mentioned, Bernatte, and man are they helpful! Discovered so far I am such an enabler that its ridiculous. I habe a question for everyone.. How do you deliver an ultimadum, say, "I'm going to my moms w the baby until you stop drinking and go to meetings..", then leave, and know that he's really following through, and not just telling me he is? Are there home tests he can take or something? Anyone else run into this problem?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
This is, I am sorry to say, an attempt to control him and it could work for a little while but probably not for long.....he needs to decide that he needs to stop for his own sake.
If going to your mom's is what you want to do for yourself and your baby's future, considering the situation as it is now and with the knowledge that alcoholism is progressive, then I would simply go to your mom's and tell him that you cannot live with the ever present alcohol and lifestyle and the impact is has on you and your family (your daughter), and the future you plan to live.
I hope you find some face to face support, in addition to SR, and maybe, just maybe be screened for depression.
If that is too much, right now, take it one step at a time, towards focusing on you, your health (because you must have your health to parent your beautiful new daugher), and your daughter's health and well-being.
hugs,
live
If going to your mom's is what you want to do for yourself and your baby's future, considering the situation as it is now and with the knowledge that alcoholism is progressive, then I would simply go to your mom's and tell him that you cannot live with the ever present alcohol and lifestyle and the impact is has on you and your family (your daughter), and the future you plan to live.
I hope you find some face to face support, in addition to SR, and maybe, just maybe be screened for depression.
If that is too much, right now, take it one step at a time, towards focusing on you, your health (because you must have your health to parent your beautiful new daugher), and your daughter's health and well-being.
hugs,
live
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Living too much in the future is a way to maintain the insanity that our lives have become with our addicts/mentally ill partners.
I take a lesson from my dogs, who live entirely in the moment. My boxer is sitting next to me as I type this, "talking" to me because he thinks it is time to eat. Because I am not feeding him or petting him, he believes that he will NEVER get fed. The moment I pet him he believes that me petting him is ALL THERE IS and I will never stop.
When I accepted that I could not cajole, manipulate, bribe or force my husband to change his behaviors I was forced to look at the way my life was in the moment, and I realized that I had to start taking care of myself and my kids. And if things would never change, if this is the way my life was going to be forever with this person, was that OK with me? In my case, the answer was most emphatically "NO."
I am learning to live in the now, to accept that I cannot control others, only myself. I am learning to try not to worry about what will happen IF he changes, IF he doesn't change. I am letting him live his own life with his own consequences, with his own positives and negatives and I am doing the same for myself. I am taking the steps I believe are necessary to ensure my children have a home that is stable, free of constant hostility and crazy behavior.
Time for you to assess your situation, identify your resources, and start taking care of YOU first by focusing not on him, but on yourself and what it is you need & want to do - regardless of whether or not he ever changes. When we fall in love with someone we think it will be forever, it is horribly sad to realize that the person we love could choose their illness over our relationship, but that's the reality we live in.
I take a lesson from my dogs, who live entirely in the moment. My boxer is sitting next to me as I type this, "talking" to me because he thinks it is time to eat. Because I am not feeding him or petting him, he believes that he will NEVER get fed. The moment I pet him he believes that me petting him is ALL THERE IS and I will never stop.
When I accepted that I could not cajole, manipulate, bribe or force my husband to change his behaviors I was forced to look at the way my life was in the moment, and I realized that I had to start taking care of myself and my kids. And if things would never change, if this is the way my life was going to be forever with this person, was that OK with me? In my case, the answer was most emphatically "NO."
I am learning to live in the now, to accept that I cannot control others, only myself. I am learning to try not to worry about what will happen IF he changes, IF he doesn't change. I am letting him live his own life with his own consequences, with his own positives and negatives and I am doing the same for myself. I am taking the steps I believe are necessary to ensure my children have a home that is stable, free of constant hostility and crazy behavior.
Time for you to assess your situation, identify your resources, and start taking care of YOU first by focusing not on him, but on yourself and what it is you need & want to do - regardless of whether or not he ever changes. When we fall in love with someone we think it will be forever, it is horribly sad to realize that the person we love could choose their illness over our relationship, but that's the reality we live in.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 15
Sounds like a plan, I guess.
All that you have said is reaffirming what I have been feeling inside but have been to scared to let myself act upon. We are driving out of state to atay with his mom over Christmas, and I've decided to leave and stay with my mom once we get back. This is going to be so weird. I think he'll feel like I'm the aggressor.. Its so frustrating to know that he will blame me, my mom, the trees, the sky, anything except himself for me leaving. That he seriously believes that he doesn't have a problem.
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