struggling13

AAGGHHH!! I know I'm better off forgetting him and moving on and he really did me a favor by breaking up with me, but some days it's tough and it still hurts to think I wasn't important. Yes I care about him and I miss him and feel sad some days. I know it shouldn't make a difference but I wish I thought he cared or missed me. Intellectually I know I deserve better and it doesn't matter what he is thinking or feeling as it has no effect on me and my life, but emotionally that's much easier said than done. I get frustrated with myself for opening up and caring so much for someone and believing that he cared for me. Sometimes I find myself still thinking of him and am ready to "just not care" anymore. I guess tomorrow is a new day. I will continue to come to SR, as it has helped me tremendously as it feels so much better to realize that I am not alone in this.

Dreamer42long

Struggling: It's not that you weren't important, it's just that the alcohol was MORE important. It always is. I too want to believe that my ABF is miserable without me, but I have to keep telling myself, "It doesn't matter what he feels." What matters is what I feel. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.

tjp613

This is a very tough hill to climb.

The thing is that we ASSUME too much!!
We assume that they have the capacity to feel for another the way we do. They don't.
We assume that they care about the same things we do. They don't.
We assume that their soul is intact. It isn't.
We assume that they are emotionally mature. They aren't.
We assume that they are capable of empathy. They aren't.
We assume that they couldn't have possibly have lied to us. They did.
We assume that we couldn't possibly have been so naive. We were.

We make all kinds of assumptions about this other human being, then we are shocked and confused when our assumptions turn out to be totally WRONG! It doesn't mean we are stupid. It doesn't mean they are 'evil' or heartless. It just means that we have learned a very valuable lesson here.... that we can't go around in life and relationships making a whole butt-load of assumptions without really looking at the FACTS (i.e. actions).

We've learned that some people simply ARE NOT CAPABLE of "loving" the way we do. We assume that just because we are capable of this certain capacity, that most others are, too. That is simply not the case and for a whole myriad of reasons.

Some people are quite capable at saying all the 'right' things but when you take off the rose-colored glasses you see that their actions don't match up. And this is usually apparent early on but we find a million reasons to overlook it.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have learned something very valuable here.

Don't be so hard on him either. He's a human just doing the best he can with the tools available to him. Unfortunately, it's not enough to maintain a mature, loving relationship. He's learning, too. Just bless him, forgive him, and move to the next level of your development.

You are right where you are meant to be. (((Hugs)))