seacup

I have a AS who just turned 22. His addiction has been getting worse n worse over the past year. I have clearly been practicing tough love and am now torn with the feeling that the better I got with not enabling the worse his addiction/situation has gotten. My son now lives on the streets, from shelter to shelter and in/out detox on a monthly basis. My understanding of why he chooses to allow his addiction be is beyond description. Most recently he has got himself from Maine to the streets of Boston. He has called and asked me to Western Union $$ so he can take bus to ME and get "back into a program" oh yeah....what kind of mother would I be to not help him get help right? yup you guessed right sent money...and no AS shows at bus station. I have fallen for this twice. It is killing me to think of him with nobody who cares, cold, hungry and scared in such a large city that we all know is not a safe place to be. Not allowing "home" to be an option I am afraid has brought on this situation. Please if there are any readers that have been on the streets before assure me I am doing the right thing for him. Do I go and find him and bring him to detox AGAIN or do I just continue to pray and know that if/when he is ready for help to find recovery again there are people in shelters that will direct him.
Thank you for any input...

ElegantlyWasted

I would try alanon. Hopefully some more posts will show up here. My suggestion would be to get him In rehab, aa etc asap. There can be a fine line between enabeling and real help, accordingle alanon and/or outside counseling can be a great source
for what has worked for other people in similar situations. Humbly on day 119.

justagirl78

I don't have any experience with people living on the streets, but I can tell you I know exactly what you're going through right now. My ABF is on a 4 day binge and I've completely cut him off. It's breaking my heart but I know I need to stick to my guns in hopes (I know it's a big hope) I can prove his behavior is no longer acceptable.

I'm sorry, this probably doesn't help you, but I just wanted to let you know that someone out there is currently going through the same pain. Like you, I feel I'm brought this on by cutting contact. You'll know when it's time to change your tactics, listen to your heart.

Be strong. Hugs.

basIam

Choice has nothing to do with it.
He's alcoholic/addict and that's what they do. I have a brother in the same condition. Finally I began telling him if he really wants help, go to the emergency room and tell them he is going to kkill him self, they have to keep you for 72 hours, and from there I will begin to help you.. he always got indignant' screamed "you're an a$$hole" and hung up the phone.

If ever he agrees to take that action, I will believe he is a little bit willing to accept help. Until then, its always the same whn he calls - "If you want help, go to the ER [click]"

onlyliveonce

Hi and welcome- there are people out there who will help him when he's ready. If he's really ready now nothing will stop him from getting there, not even a ride or help from you. He maybe looking for an opportunity to tug at you heart strings and manipulate. My EXH was also on the streets and he managed and survived with nothing. Kindness of strangers got him meals, gas, and whatever else he needed he stole or manipulated for it. I wouldn't send him anymore money, he's probably getting high right now as you sit and fret and worry ablut the stiutation. He was just looking for a way to get high, it's what they do

I focus today on what makes me happy and don't worry about what I can't control. I just divorced my H 2 weeks ago as he sits in jail along with his crackwhore for the same crimes. You are doing the right thing by letting him feel the consequences of his actions. You are also doing the best thing for YOU and that's what matters most. You have to let him fall before he can get back up. I have compassion for my EXH but not pity. Have comapssion for what he's going through and the sotutation but don't have pity for him. I gage myself like this: if I'm feeling overly involoved or comcerned then that's pity to me. It's not my place to do that, it's my place to take care of myself and let everybody else do the same. I know it's hard but if he gets it together it's so worth it. Sending hugs your way!!

Still Waters

There is help for him, for free, if he wants it. Keep that in mind.

DesertEyes

Hello there seacup, and welcome to SoberRecovery

A long time ago, I was 22 and living on the streets. Like your son, I didn't _have_ to live there. I _chose_ to live there because I was a drunk. I was cold, hungry and scared. But not cold enough to ask for help, not hungry enough to go to the soup kitchen, and not scared enough to admit it. I _had_ people who cared, just like your son does. The problem was they cared enough to give me the dignity of living my own life as I needed to.

Those people saved my life. By refusing to give me money for my addiction they forced me to see the reality of the life I had chosen. By refusing to allow me to crash on their couch they forced me to see the reality of who I had become. By refusing to protect me from my own choices they forced me to grow up and become accountable for my own actions.

The Salvation Army and Catholic Charities both run excellent programs for street people. They are free, and they are _very_ good at helping alcoholics get off the streets. Just a few weeks ago I went to a memorial for one of the S-Army counselors here in town, and I got to meet _dozens_ of men who had lived on the street and are now living a decent, healthy life free of alcohol and drugs. Thirty some years ago I sobered up thru a church program much like the S-army.

I cannot tell you what choices your son will make for his own life. I cannot tell you if he will sober up some day, or not. What I can tell you is that as long as he has an easier, softer way to live than to get into a program, he will choose the easier way out. It's what I kept doing, until the easier way _was_ the way of recovery.

Keep posting here seacup, there are a _lot_ of moms who know exactly how you feel because they feel it too. You don't have to live thru this alone, we are here to give you a place to vent when you need to, scream when you need to, and cry when you need to.

I wish I had had a mom like you when I was on the streets. My mother was a drunk too, and all she did was enable me and make it easy for me to stay out there. If I had a mother that had your courage and strength I likely would not have been out there as long.

keep coming back here seacup, we are all here for you.

Mike

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome from another mom.
My son used until he was 24 He finished an 18 mo program in Aug.

I researched and had a long-term prog. and finances ready when he hit his bottom.

In the meantime I got busy with my own program of al-anon.
I know your fear and suffering as the mom of an addict.
It takes effort to not go down with the ship.

Impurrfect

(((Seacup)) - Welcome, though I'm sorry for what brings you here.

I'm an RA (recovering addict). Like Mike, I, too, lived on the streets. It was my choice, as I spent every cent I had on crack. Occasionally, I would get a motel room, but most often, if I slept, it was in vacant apartments I snuck into, or in one of the dope-boys houses.

I had a family that loved me enough to not allow me to come home unless I was clean. My dad offered to pay for rehab, but the town I was in, offered FREE rehab. I wasn't ready. I didn't "get" ready until I was locked up for a while. I still didn't work at recovery, relapsed, but have over 2-1/2 years clean.

We addicts are very resourceful. If we're on the streets, it's because we want to be. When we are sick and tired of being sick and tired, it's amazing how we can find our way to recovery. As Mike said, there are places and people that are more than willing to help. The thing is, he has to do it for himself.

I'm also a recovering codie (codependent) and have a few loved ones who are addicts, so I know both sides of addiction. It isn't easy on either side, and I've been know to enable myself, even though I KNOW better. However, I get a ton of support from here, I read, I learn, and I try not to make the same mistake twice.

The best thing you can do for both of you is focus on you, and let him focus on him. When the fog finally cleared from my head, I realized that my family was going on with their lives and if I wanted to be a part of their lives, I'd better do something about it! I KNEW they loved me, but I had to do some work to be a part of the family again. It gave me more incentive in early recovery.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

laurie6781

Many years ago I too was like your son. I was older, my parents waited longer to shut the door on me, so there I was 34 years old and living the streets in of all places Hollyweird, yep good old Hollywood. Did it for a year and a half.

I too had people who loved me enough to say ENOUGH. It's your problem you deal with it.

Your son is doing this 'by choice' to some extent. Yes the drugs and/or alcohol may be having a deep affect on him, but it is still 'his choice.' When he gets tired enough or sick and tired of being sick and tired he will seek help of the 'positive' kind.

You say he is in Boston. Believe it or not, Boston has some pretty darn nice 'homeless' shelters and a great Salvation Army. Not only that Salvation Army does have a 'recovery program' a pretty darn good one too, when he is ready.

Did you do the right thing? For him ABSOLUTELY! For you, it will be harder. My mom told me years later that they had reached the point that if they did not cut off all contact with me they were going to end up in a mental hospital in padded cells, so she had no choice but to leave me to 'my problem' and pray that HP would watch over me. Yep, my non religious mother was able to "Let Go and Let God".

Did she worry? Of course she worried. She told me that she knew she could not 'fix' me and she just 'had to trust' that I would eventually 'come to my senses' and do something about 'my problem.' She said it was hard at times, especially around Holidays or my birthday, but she just kept moving forward.

You have given your son the 'dignity' of making 'adult decisions' for himself, be they good or bad in your eyes and accepting the consequences of those decisions.

You did right sweetie!!!!!

J M H O

Oh and btw like some of the other posters above, yes I found recovery, many years ago now, and I also found Al-Anon.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much. Know also that we are walking with you in spirit through this.

Love and hugs,

Ann

Seacup, your post could have been mine about my son. I too fell for the bus ticket scam many times. I learned that when they really want help, they can go to the Salvation Army or detox and they will help them connect with the "real" help...and that is not "us".

Addiction is a progressive disease, until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping, they will continue to spiral down. Living with us won't stop that, but it will take us with them down to that abyss of darkness where addiction lives.

My son has been missing over 5 years, lost in his addiction somewhere. I get through my days by saying a prayer for his each morning and then trusting God to take care of the rest.

I was only able to do this by attending meetings and learning to work the 12 steps that literally saved my life. If I had not, I am certain I would not be alive today.

Welcome and I hope you stick around. There is lots of support here from people who truly understand because we've been there too.

Hugs

seacup

Thank you!

stefanie

Seacup, my son is the same age as yours and chose to live on the streets for a few months. He checked into the Salvation Army and walked out a few days later.I had taken him there for the intake and was very impressed by the place. It was spotless, had a sparkling pool, but most of all, the people who worked there really seemed to care- but HE was not ready.
After awhile on the streets, using, living in a broken down car in 103
degree heat, he checked into a detox for a week. There he met a young woman, and they left together (against medical advice). They were found that night in the restroom of a bookstore after closing time. Both had gotten high and nodded off.The police found needles, heroin, etc.
They were both arrested, and my son has been in jail ever since. He is sober and his brain is healing. He looks fantastic. He did tell me that he would have walked out of any rehab because he "just wasnt ready".
When he was "out there" and using, I came here and read, even though I do not post much. I went to more alanon meetings. I read and re-read my alanon materials. And I had to believe that his hp was with him, and that he was not alone. I wish you and your son the best!

Carol Star

It is not him -it is the disease. He has his own higher power. He will probably use with the money you send him. You will get support from Alanon. Hopefully he will get sick and tired enough to change. We sometimes can slow that down by getting in the way of their bottom. It hurts like hell. He has to want treatment. It is a very hard call- I have been there with my XH. He is still using and nobody has anything to do with him. You can get support here too. You can tell him you love him and will help him when he is serious about help. Yep it hurts----like surgery with a hacksaw....you are not alone!

ontopofthings

Isn't it amazing how everyone's story seems to be the same ol' story. I truly thought I was alone when I found out about my adult son's addiction. I also jumped right on researching addiction and became obsessed with learning everything I could. Fortunately for me, educating myself prooved to be the best move I could make. I no longer fell for his sad stories and I quit enabling. It was very scarey to "cut him off" but I learned through my research, that this was truly the best move. On the flip side, I did everything I could to continue open communication with him. He always knew that he could come home for a hot meal, a shower, and a warm bed. He also knew that I would not tolerate his addiction and that all illegal substances were not allowed in my home. Opening my door to him on these terms allowed me the opportunity to provide what he needed most...intervention. When he did come home, we would spend hours talking about and reseraching addiction and the terrible effects they had on his life and on the lives of those who loved him. I monitored him very closely while he was in my home...like he was a two year old. Eventually, he became almost as involved in the research as I was. When he finally realized that others were able to overcome addiction, and read about how much better their lives were, he became ready to give it a try. We were able to get him into a suboxin program...with an addiciton specialist who really knew his stuff, and together, we beat addiciton. 18 months later and his life is back on track and off the suboxin. He is very active in church and has a good job. I contribute our success story to many things. First, I educated myself so that I could better understand addiction. Second, we turned to the Bible, which I believe to be a must in any recovery effort. There is all kinds of scripture on addiction...just Google it. Third, I was always here for him....just not for his addiction. And finally, I made good friends with our local law enforcement. I came to be known as the firey mom who refused to stop before she got her son help. This prooved to be one of the most effective moves. You see...cops deal with this every day. However, they typically don't know the background on the addicts. I would make it a point to visit with your local law enforcement about your intentions with your son as well as your concerns. Should they ever pick him up...you will be the first person they call...another opportunity for intervention, not only from you, but also from the cops.

As for the comments about not being able to help them until they are ready for help, I disagree. Recent research suggests that drug courts are prooving to be very successful with rehab. The addicts are forced into treatment and many are finding sobriety. If you have the opportunity to have him arrested....Do it! I did, and that gave me the opportunity to once again provide intervention.

Like I said, I was obsessed! I followed my son around town, showed up at drug dealers houses where he was honking my horn, made many phone calls that I tracked through his cell phone usage....I was a real pain in the ass to the dealers and my son. What I learned is that they are like cockroaches....they are all well and good until you turn the lights on them and then they scatter. They don't want attention drawn to them. Now, a little bit of craziness came with my obsession and I wouldn't suggest that you start chasing dealers around town....it worked for me, but looking back, that was a stupid move on my part.

Don't give up. Continue to love your son and be there for them, educate yourself and talk, talk, talk, to him about his addiction. Good luck!

seacup

All this support is much needed. I have so educated myself over the years, and will always be there for my son in his clean days. I so sadly cant really offer HOME right yet on any condition, it seems that in the past when I do offer home after detox, he only steals from me and other family members. Sadly, I have confronted many drug dealers and have been confronted by them as well regarding debts owed to them by my son. They do not scare me and I laugh in their faces about "drug deals gone bad" BUT...this past summer my 18 yr old daughter was home alone and a 40 yr old man came to "collect", he scared the hell out of her, chased her into the woods where she called 911. I then had to look at the family addiction with whole new eyes. So...home is not an option for my son until he is a minimum of 6 mo clean. He has been in/out of detox I dare say at least 14 times, attended a 28 day program 2 times. I guess maybe each time for all the wrong reasons, he always goes back to using. Most recently before Boston, he was in a couple of shelters here in Maine and in a Program, but each time things appeared to be going good...he would call and had been kicked out. Yes, you know it...not because of his choices but the "dumb" people there. I am trying very hard to find my HP and put trust in that and that my son will be watched over till he too finds recovery. I really do appreciate the support I get from everyone!

basIam

Hey there Seacup,

There is no reason to ever let him live with you. If he decides to get clean and sober, refer him to Oxford House

seacup

Thank you. I know there are many options, and I know that my son knows there are many options. I have made sure that he is aware of all the help available. Like I said he has been in/out so many times.... I always remind him #1 I love him, and that he has the tools he needs to stay clean. He tells me that its his disease that makes him "use", but last week I told him that excuse is getting old. He makes the choice the stop these programs and use again. I sure do hope my tough love is the right thing this time around.

basIam

Absolutely!

Now, as nothing like intense work with other alcoholics guarantees immunity from alcohol, nothing like intense work with other al-anons will insure your immunity to enabling!

Get out and attend some al-anon meetings! Share your experience with practicing "tough love." Share your struggles, as well as your successes, no matter how trivial they may appear.

And you might want to read [LINK>>] "To Wives" [<<LINK] from the book Alcoholics Anonymous. While it is written from a wife's perspective it is applicable to your situation as well.

Good luck.

cmc

Hello seacup, I'm so glad you are here with us on SR, posting in this forum.

My son used drugs off and on in various ways and to various extremes for over ten years.

I too had schooled myself on the disease, but it took some time and actual experience for me actually implement all the wisdom and tools available to me. When I _did_ help him, some of the time it did not enable his disease and some of the time it did.

There were many occasions when he was on a good path and his dad and I supported that in small ways. We did this most often under the guidance of the directors of the halfway house he lived in.

During the last eight years of his using he moved around alot- from being in & our of:our home, a shared apartment, a halfway house and various other places I don't know of. He probably spent a few nights in his car before he lost it in a drug deal.

Over time, and after a lengthy period of sobriety; our son went back to using. That period was the worst for him and the worst for me too. It's also when I started coming here to SR.

There was the period of time before his arrest, when he was out of contact with us. I didn't know anything about how he was doing at that time. I will assure you that my son _did_ find places to stay and people to live with when he was living in what I thought was a state of homelessness. There were plenty of others living that same lifestyle and they often banded together. Some of them even took care of my son and got him the medication he needed to take care of his diabetes.

After he finally got arrested for the last time, I learned that many of my worst fears were unfounded. That is certainly not to diminish _any_ of the possible scenarios that can occur when a person lives that lifestyle. In my mind all I could fathom was that I may never see him alive again.

Like you describe: It was this very thing that finally brought our son to his senses. It's also one of the most difficult things to do.

Coming here, going to Al-Anon and tons of open AA and NA meetings helped me get through it. I also attended a county funded program for families of detainees for about a year and a half when my son was serving his sentence and in an aftercare facility.

Please read the sticky threads, there's so much there that will help. We also have some great stickies in the Friends & Family of Substance Abusers forum.

Take care, we're standing with you; and we care.