I don't understand
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 126
I don't understand
Hi, I'm new here. I have an AH. I went to my first Al Anon meeting today, for beginners. The literature they gave me is interesting, but I'm confused about some things.
I read that I should avoid confrontation and not let him get me angry, but how the heck can you not get angry at someone who is not working and spending our food and gas money on alcohol????
I'm just so confused. His behavior is destroying our family, we have almost no income because of this, and he just keeps drinking. That is my problem and I don't know how to fix it.
Please give me advice!!!!
I read that I should avoid confrontation and not let him get me angry, but how the heck can you not get angry at someone who is not working and spending our food and gas money on alcohol????
I'm just so confused. His behavior is destroying our family, we have almost no income because of this, and he just keeps drinking. That is my problem and I don't know how to fix it.
Please give me advice!!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
Alcoholics play a lot of games with our minds. If we let them make us angry, they have control of us. Detachment is one of the first things to learn in alanon. We don't have to accept unacceptable behavior, but venting our anger toward them plays right into their hands. Many times they use this as an excuse to drink. With that said, if they choose to drink, it is their choice and not our fault.
The program is simple but it is foreign to those of us who have been living in the insanity of the alcoholic relationship. The best advice that I can give is keep going to those meetings. They won't give you a "how to" book on fixing the alcoholic. They will gradually give you the method to fix yourself.
The program is simple but it is foreign to those of us who have been living in the insanity of the alcoholic relationship. The best advice that I can give is keep going to those meetings. They won't give you a "how to" book on fixing the alcoholic. They will gradually give you the method to fix yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: far left of center
Posts: 237
Did you get phone numbers of any women at the meeting? Call one of them and ask them how they dealt with their situation. If you didn't get any numbers, at your next meeting ask some women for their numbers. Don't be afraid because you aren't the first in this situation.
Also, read "to wives" in the book "alcoholics anonymous" (Alcoholics Anonymous :) there you will find suggestions on things to do.
Also, read "to wives" in the book "alcoholics anonymous" (Alcoholics Anonymous :) there you will find suggestions on things to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 126
ty, typing w/1 hand now -
No numbers yet.
What is the difference between giving up trying 2 control, yet not enabling?am i supposed 2 budget 4 his alcohol?
How can i be loving, yet not allow him near me when he's wasted & being loving in his own mind, but in reality, crossing my boundaries?
i'm so glad i found this forum, i'm desperate 4 help!
No numbers yet.
What is the difference between giving up trying 2 control, yet not enabling?am i supposed 2 budget 4 his alcohol?
How can i be loving, yet not allow him near me when he's wasted & being loving in his own mind, but in reality, crossing my boundaries?
i'm so glad i found this forum, i'm desperate 4 help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 126
OK another question -
When AH is drunk, he calls ppl on the phone, and has ruined my friendships by doing this as well as family relationships. Most recently he made a business call, which scared me bc web hardly have an income as it is and if he screws up our biz, well, i dunno.
Is it too controlling 2 take the phones? Do I allow him 2 ruin everything & stand by & watch?
When AH is drunk, he calls ppl on the phone, and has ruined my friendships by doing this as well as family relationships. Most recently he made a business call, which scared me bc web hardly have an income as it is and if he screws up our biz, well, i dunno.
Is it too controlling 2 take the phones? Do I allow him 2 ruin everything & stand by & watch?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Sad, but this is life with an active alcoholic. It's the real deal.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets worse, until there is NOTHING left. I know first hand, my X is an alcoholic! My "ship" got a pretty bad leak due to his drinking, squandering $$, ugly temperment, and bad decisions - it took many years, but it WAS PROGRESSIVE - and finally I had enough sense to realize it was "jump ship or go down with him". I chose to jump.
You have to realize - you did not cause this, you can't cure this, and you can't control this. Now, that leaves you with one choice - either live with it, or have it be your life.
You'll find lots of help on this site. It's a wonderful place for all of us who are or have struggled with this problem in our relationships.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets worse, until there is NOTHING left. I know first hand, my X is an alcoholic! My "ship" got a pretty bad leak due to his drinking, squandering $$, ugly temperment, and bad decisions - it took many years, but it WAS PROGRESSIVE - and finally I had enough sense to realize it was "jump ship or go down with him". I chose to jump.
You have to realize - you did not cause this, you can't cure this, and you can't control this. Now, that leaves you with one choice - either live with it, or have it be your life.
You'll find lots of help on this site. It's a wonderful place for all of us who are or have struggled with this problem in our relationships.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by SadButHopeful 
OK another question -
When AH is drunk, he calls ppl on the phone, and has ruined my friendships by doing this as well as family relationships. Most recently he made a business call, which scared me bc web hardly have an income as it is and if he screws up our biz, well, i dunno.
Is it too controlling 2 take the phones? Do I allow him 2 ruin everything & stand by & watch?
When AH is drunk, he calls ppl on the phone, and has ruined my friendships by doing this as well as family relationships. Most recently he made a business call, which scared me bc web hardly have an income as it is and if he screws up our biz, well, i dunno.
Is it too controlling 2 take the phones? Do I allow him 2 ruin everything & stand by & watch?
If you knew, right this minute, that he was only going to get worse and it would destroy not only your relationship but your business, what steps would you take?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the family!
You will find a lot of support and information on this forum. Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home.
I see that you have gone to an Alanon meeting. Alanon and this website have helped me tremendously. Since you have discovered both Alanon and this website for yourself, you are aware that your loved one has a problem with alcohol, right?
These are some of the basics. Remember the 3 C's
You did not cause the alcoholism
You can not control the alcoholism
You will not cure the alcoholism
No matter how many times he blames you for his drinking, you did not hold his head back and pour liquour down his throat.
No matter how much begging, pleading, crying, screaming and bargaining you do; you will not be able to control his drinking.
Nor do you have the power to cure another person's addiction. The cure to addiction has to start with the addict wanting to change. Until they want to make a change in their own personal life, we must let them make their own choices and suffer their own consequences.
I tried to get my AH to see that his drinking was causing problems in our relationship, in our finances and in our home. He was in denial about his addiction and I was in denial about my control. I tried to set boundaries concerning intimacy, finances, drinking and driving, parenting, etc....but he kept finding loopholes and creating bigger messes in our relationship, finances and home. I finally had enough and accepted that I could not control the uncontrollable (his addiction and his consequences). I got a lawyer to file a petition for divorce to protect myself and children legally from any more of his alcoholic behaviors.
You call yourself 'sadbuthopeful'. I'm sorry you are sad. I know how frustrating it is to wake up and realize that you are in a relationship with alcohol as the 3rd partner and alcohol is the priority.
(((hugs)))
You will find a lot of support and information on this forum. Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home.
I see that you have gone to an Alanon meeting. Alanon and this website have helped me tremendously. Since you have discovered both Alanon and this website for yourself, you are aware that your loved one has a problem with alcohol, right?
These are some of the basics. Remember the 3 C's
You did not cause the alcoholism
You can not control the alcoholism
You will not cure the alcoholism
No matter how many times he blames you for his drinking, you did not hold his head back and pour liquour down his throat.
No matter how much begging, pleading, crying, screaming and bargaining you do; you will not be able to control his drinking.
Nor do you have the power to cure another person's addiction. The cure to addiction has to start with the addict wanting to change. Until they want to make a change in their own personal life, we must let them make their own choices and suffer their own consequences.
I tried to get my AH to see that his drinking was causing problems in our relationship, in our finances and in our home. He was in denial about his addiction and I was in denial about my control. I tried to set boundaries concerning intimacy, finances, drinking and driving, parenting, etc....but he kept finding loopholes and creating bigger messes in our relationship, finances and home. I finally had enough and accepted that I could not control the uncontrollable (his addiction and his consequences). I got a lawyer to file a petition for divorce to protect myself and children legally from any more of his alcoholic behaviors.
You call yourself 'sadbuthopeful'. I'm sorry you are sad. I know how frustrating it is to wake up and realize that you are in a relationship with alcohol as the 3rd partner and alcohol is the priority.
(((hugs)))
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
