just starting out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3
just starting out
Oh dear and I think I am getting it wrong! My BF drinks too much, and has done ever since we got together 4 years ago- he has now gained 7 stone and is pretty much disinterested in most things, apart from playing games on the internet. He takes over the lounge and i have got so as I just go upstairs to spend my evenings as he is so hot and sweaty he has to have the double doors open all year round, cant have any heating on in there, and must be playing games constantly so that I may as well not be there. I have recently gained enough self regard to challenge him seriously and last night gave an ultimatum (I gather this never works but I couldnt help it) Now he is furious, called me a bitch for ages and is not speaking to me apart from to shout- he refused to discuss it and is just throwing all my faults at me telling me I drove hime to drink with my untidyness and 'frigidness'. He is never violent, and never actually drunk, but he will drink 2 bottles of wine each night, and I also find empty spirit bottles and cans around when im cleaning. He has never lifted a finger in any housework, DIY or gardening -or anything really, and the intimacy is extremely poor-which he blames on me and always has done. I am just starting out in the process of trying to get 'out from under' - this forum looks like being much needed 'sanity'. Again I have never seen him drunk, but he admitted two nights ago that a day without a drink is a day wasted. I do keep questioning whether i am doing the right thing- as he holds down a job and all that kind of thing-can he really be an alcoholic?.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Good place to educate yourself. Lots of wise people here who know the sickness.
IMO... his defensiveness is a real indicator that YES, he's an alcoholic. Defensiveness and denial are their best friends. Blaming others for their problems - another.
As for the "holding down a job" - that is the LAST thing they lose. Must have a job, or someone to provide the funds for the alcohol! So it goes.
You'll find help here!
IMO... his defensiveness is a real indicator that YES, he's an alcoholic. Defensiveness and denial are their best friends. Blaming others for their problems - another.
As for the "holding down a job" - that is the LAST thing they lose. Must have a job, or someone to provide the funds for the alcohol! So it goes.
You'll find help here!
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Beanie sweetie, it doesn't really matter if he's an 'alcoholic' or not (though he sure sounds like it!). What matters is is this the life you want for yourself? Was this how you pictured living with him? You only get one life, is this how you want to live it?
For me, reading on this forum was just the start - have you checked out the stickie threads at the top of the forum? You may well find a lot of similarity in the stories there to your life, I know I did. I also read 'Co dependant No More' by Melody Beattie which was a real eye opener! I got a counsellor which also helped me - I didn't really 'take' to Al Anon but you'll soon hear from other here who swear by it.
You can change your life for the better if you really want to. It may seem like a lot of work, but you don't have to do it all at once. You'll find a lot of support on the forum, so keep on posting!
For me, reading on this forum was just the start - have you checked out the stickie threads at the top of the forum? You may well find a lot of similarity in the stories there to your life, I know I did. I also read 'Co dependant No More' by Melody Beattie which was a real eye opener! I got a counsellor which also helped me - I didn't really 'take' to Al Anon but you'll soon hear from other here who swear by it.
You can change your life for the better if you really want to. It may seem like a lot of work, but you don't have to do it all at once. You'll find a lot of support on the forum, so keep on posting!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Hi Beanie
Beanie,
Unfortunately, there are different definitions of what makes someone an alcoholic. That is not for us or you to decide. The fact that he drinks constantly and thinks that a day without liquor is a wasted day, well, that doesn't weigh in his favor. And you say that he is never drunk... sounds to me like he is never sober... just because he isn't slurring his words or falling over doesn't mean he isn't drunk. Everyone handles the drink differently... he functions better than others do while he is intoxicated, that's all. But I digress... You might not like what I'm about to say, but he is not the issue that needs to be addressed here. I'd like to remind youof what is _really_ important here... YOU!
The bottom line is he treats you horribly, and whether it is his drinking or not, this is who he is, and you can't help him. You deserve so much better than that. There is something called "stickies" on here, they are the posts in every forum that are at the top... saved threads from the past that have answered questions or made such a difference in someone's recovery that they are immortalized for everyone to refer to regularly. Definitely read those, and you will be well on your way to understand why you might want to remove yourself from this toxic relationship, and start your own recovery.
You'll see lots of references to Alanon, which almost all of us HIGHLY recommend. Alanon is a fabulous, life saving support group for anyone who is affected by someone else's drinking. If you can find a meeting in your area, please go. Whatever he is doing to himself / with himself is NOT YOUR FAULT. You'll learn about the three C's... I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, and I can't Control it. You'll learn that the best thing you can do is worry about yourself, take responsibility for your own happiness and well being, just as he has to do for himself.
You've come to the right place, we are all here to help and support you. All of us have been through what you are going through in some way, shape, or form. We have all been enablers, we have all been used as pawns; wondering if we were the cause, wondering how we could fix it, how we could help others live the life that we think they should be leading.
I am new to my recovery, not from alcoholism, but recovery from the effects of living with someone who suffered alcoholism. I never realized how severely I was affected by that, the kind of person I turned into... a codependant with low self esteem; a perfectionist who obsessed over the fact that nothing I, or anyone else did, was ever good enough; a lonely person with a hard shell on the outside, but a scared child on the inside, desperately seeking approval from everyone around me, especially the alcoholic. But I am learning how to change my attitudes, how to care for and love myself, and how to improve my life ten fold by simply concentrating on me instead of everyone else. Even though I just started, it has been an amazing journey so far, and gets better every day, one day at a time.
Good luck to you, read the stickies on here, and keep in touch with everyone...I know you will find the love and support you need to help you in your situation!
Unfortunately, there are different definitions of what makes someone an alcoholic. That is not for us or you to decide. The fact that he drinks constantly and thinks that a day without liquor is a wasted day, well, that doesn't weigh in his favor. And you say that he is never drunk... sounds to me like he is never sober... just because he isn't slurring his words or falling over doesn't mean he isn't drunk. Everyone handles the drink differently... he functions better than others do while he is intoxicated, that's all. But I digress... You might not like what I'm about to say, but he is not the issue that needs to be addressed here. I'd like to remind youof what is _really_ important here... YOU!
The bottom line is he treats you horribly, and whether it is his drinking or not, this is who he is, and you can't help him. You deserve so much better than that. There is something called "stickies" on here, they are the posts in every forum that are at the top... saved threads from the past that have answered questions or made such a difference in someone's recovery that they are immortalized for everyone to refer to regularly. Definitely read those, and you will be well on your way to understand why you might want to remove yourself from this toxic relationship, and start your own recovery.
You'll see lots of references to Alanon, which almost all of us HIGHLY recommend. Alanon is a fabulous, life saving support group for anyone who is affected by someone else's drinking. If you can find a meeting in your area, please go. Whatever he is doing to himself / with himself is NOT YOUR FAULT. You'll learn about the three C's... I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, and I can't Control it. You'll learn that the best thing you can do is worry about yourself, take responsibility for your own happiness and well being, just as he has to do for himself.
You've come to the right place, we are all here to help and support you. All of us have been through what you are going through in some way, shape, or form. We have all been enablers, we have all been used as pawns; wondering if we were the cause, wondering how we could fix it, how we could help others live the life that we think they should be leading.
I am new to my recovery, not from alcoholism, but recovery from the effects of living with someone who suffered alcoholism. I never realized how severely I was affected by that, the kind of person I turned into... a codependant with low self esteem; a perfectionist who obsessed over the fact that nothing I, or anyone else did, was ever good enough; a lonely person with a hard shell on the outside, but a scared child on the inside, desperately seeking approval from everyone around me, especially the alcoholic. But I am learning how to change my attitudes, how to care for and love myself, and how to improve my life ten fold by simply concentrating on me instead of everyone else. Even though I just started, it has been an amazing journey so far, and gets better every day, one day at a time.
Good luck to you, read the stickies on here, and keep in touch with everyone...I know you will find the love and support you need to help you in your situation!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Yes, he IS drunk. My A never seems loaded, even after several hours, until the drunk turns mean...
My point is this: Consider how he would or does act if he does not get to have his quota of drink for a number of hours, or even days...Is he nicer? What does change when he drinks?
Mine is cranky and intolerant when he is sober, then pleasant while mid drunk, then horrible right before passing out.
My point is this: Consider how he would or does act if he does not get to have his quota of drink for a number of hours, or even days...Is he nicer? What does change when he drinks?
Mine is cranky and intolerant when he is sober, then pleasant while mid drunk, then horrible right before passing out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3
thankyou so much- its scary isnt it- the support is so very welcome, I find I think really positively until i speak with him, and then I start to doubt what Im doing totally-but as he isnt speaking to me at the moment anyway maybe thats ok . I have a customer who says I can go to an alanon group with her next week- just working up the strength to tell him. We never go out anywhere so its a big thing for me to be absent during the evening. In fact we have been on two days out in four years, and maybe two or three evenings out. We havent the money to socialise even though I run two quite successful businesses!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
There's no money to go out and socialize, but enough for him to guzzle 2 bottles of wine every night... Been there, heard that, glad I didn't buy the t-shirt.
Be prepared for the anger when you tell him... he probably won't take the news well. From what I understand, the only ones who really want their loved ones going to Alanon are people that are in AA or recovery themselves. I don't condone lying, but it really isn't going to accomplish anything positive to tell him you are going to a support group that's going to help you realize what a problem he has and how horribly it has affected you. I just worry about your safety, and you're strength of will to go against his wishes if he says he doesn't want you to go. You go to that meeting no matter what he says!!! There is alot of stuff on the internet as well to read about meetings, the slogans, people's stories, etc. I was on the computer for literally 16 hours before I went to my first meeting... just browsing the web.... that's how I found this forum, and I learned so much before I even walked through those doors. It was hard for me to do, I was so terrified and felt so self concious, but soon realized I was among friends immediately. I hope it works the same for you!
Keep up a positive attitude, and remember we are here for you!
Be prepared for the anger when you tell him... he probably won't take the news well. From what I understand, the only ones who really want their loved ones going to Alanon are people that are in AA or recovery themselves. I don't condone lying, but it really isn't going to accomplish anything positive to tell him you are going to a support group that's going to help you realize what a problem he has and how horribly it has affected you. I just worry about your safety, and you're strength of will to go against his wishes if he says he doesn't want you to go. You go to that meeting no matter what he says!!! There is alot of stuff on the internet as well to read about meetings, the slogans, people's stories, etc. I was on the computer for literally 16 hours before I went to my first meeting... just browsing the web.... that's how I found this forum, and I learned so much before I even walked through those doors. It was hard for me to do, I was so terrified and felt so self concious, but soon realized I was among friends immediately. I hope it works the same for you!
Keep up a positive attitude, and remember we are here for you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Whether he is an alcohoic or not it is progressive....but yeah two bottles of wine a night I would think yes.....I got tired of doing everything....and he did not like me going to alanon...maybe don't tell him.....you could say you are going to church....most meetings were in church....tee heee hee....
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
I used to hide that I was going to an alanon meeting. I knew it would just start a fight. So I'd tell him anything and everything. But xabf was always paranoid. He had to know every last detail of my every single move (which I see as a problem now). I'd tell him I was going here, I was going there. Anywhere but an alanon meeting! Alanon is for people who are with alcoholics and xabf isn't an alcoholic so why would I need alanon?
I finally gave up. I got so sick of bending the truth or flat out lieing about where I was going. So I'd go, not say a word. And if he asked I'd tell him I went to an alanon meeting. Occasionally he'd ask if they filled my head with crap or if they talked me into leaving him or so on and so forth (which really just encouraged my understanding of him) or he'd just roll his eyes and go on with whatever he was doing.
I finally gave up. I got so sick of bending the truth or flat out lieing about where I was going. So I'd go, not say a word. And if he asked I'd tell him I went to an alanon meeting. Occasionally he'd ask if they filled my head with crap or if they talked me into leaving him or so on and so forth (which really just encouraged my understanding of him) or he'd just roll his eyes and go on with whatever he was doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3
ah- yes I have a handmade soap company so I was thinking of telling him I was doing a pamper evening , but I hate lying to him-he is super conscious of anything like that as his last GF and mum to his kids cheated on him. He wont believe its church thats one thing for sure- we shall see......
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