hmbld

I think one of the things that has helped me progress is helping so many other friends who are in the beginning of the hell of living with or leaving an alcoholic. Thanks to this place I have been able to give a living record of my own progression and somewhat validate where I was and where I am.

I look back on some of the stuff I've posted and am like "good lord you crazy woman! lol" AND! I am able to send those in need back to where I was so they can know I was right there with them.

I have a friend who is just beginning her journey and she's like "well I will still always love him", and I quite frankly tell her, no you won't. Eventually, when you come to terms with everything that he's done to you and you get over that whole emotional thing and get clarity over what a devastating impact this person has had on your life, you really won't love them at all. HOWEVER, you will get great insight into yourself and what it is in yourself that makes you feel the need to rescue and be loved by someone that is incapable of giving you what you need.

I spent so many years in denial and can honestly say that my AH was a liar from the very beginning but I was so obsessed with being able to change him and fix him that I totally overlooked every crappy thing that man ever did to me. I made a million excuses for it, and made myself feel like a lesser person because I was not good enough to make him whole.

I have now come to terms with the fact that I probably made him worse because I fed his need for validation and I was in a sense what made him worse because he never had to be accountable when I was around. I fixed everything for him. He never had to "man up" because I was always there to clean up every mess he made.

I THINK I am free of him, and all of my enabling, and I owe a huge part of that to these forums and all of the wonderful friends I have had that have helped me work through all the insanity and I am totally going to be there and help anyone who needs it when it comes to the ugly mess of being a co-dependent.

Pelican

Thank you for putting it into words.

hmbld

Ya know, that is truly what we do and then we blame them and beat ourselves up over what jerks they are, and sure they are jerks, but in reality, we do hold much responsibility in it all. They do what they do because we allow it because we feel that we are serving some greater or romantic purpose and it just boils down to being not able to accept failure on their part or our own.

I'm the world's biggest bandaid. lol

JenT1968

thank you for sharing your insight, and progression, I'm a slow learner, I've been here forever, but I too am better than I was, much of what you said resonated for me and I love this:


well... I'd say you allowed him the oportunity to get/be worse around you. Taking responsibility for our own part is healthy, taking responsibility for the response to our actions and feelings, isn't IMO.

Still Waters

Some of us do this, some don't. I'm not all that codependent actually - based on what I've read in the Beatty books.

I think when the insanity sets in, we live on hope - just like when a spouse gets ill. You wait for them to get better. Unfortunately for many of us, it never gets any better.

Learn2Live

I'm with StillWaters; I don't think I am that codependent myself, but I think I tend to get involved with people and adapt to THEIR ways of relating in "romantic" relationships, which happened to be, in a few of my past relationships, CODEPENDENCY.

The first obviously codependent relationship I was in, HE was the needy one, he was the one not paying his bills, giving me his half of the rent money when HE was ready and not when it was due, coming home with a new-used truck when he still had the car I had just paid off for him, relapsing and having unprotected sex with some stranger in the bar parking lot and contracting STDs from it. His sick way of living his life crossed over into and controlled our relationship, and THAT is what made me so sick, panicked, low self-esteem, desperate, crying, depressed, suicidal, unable to let go, etc. I was NEVER like that before I was involved in that relationship with that person. Thank God I found Al-Anon and was able to get out. Thank God for my family for sticking by me all that time I was stuck and miserable and so NEAR DEATH from it. How many times they had to listen to me whine, cry, and complain about the same thing over and over about this person and my relationship with this person, and what he was doing, and how much he meant to me, blahblahblah, I HAVE NO IDEA, but I KNOW they were so sick of it they wanted to just SHOOT me to put me out of my misery!

I personally am a very non-needy, independent, capable woman who DESIRES an INTERDEPENDENT relationship. I did get into the bad habit of bashing my EX addicted BF some years ago, which I know now I was just using that judgment as a mechanism to get myself out of that relationship I was so desperately stuck in. Problem was, up until just a week or so ago, I did not realize I was STILL bashing (judging) people and the addict has been completely out of my life since August 1998.

Anyway, thanks for listening and thanks for sharing. Awesome thread. Hope I didn't hijack it.

hmbld

Probably not nearly as slow as me! I've been reading these forums forever and I wish I could remember my original user name. I think I deleted it because the AH found it. I was a mess, still am probably. You never really know what a mess you are until you've progressed to another level of getting your sanity back.

TakingCharge999

Oh well I got more than 2 thousand posts and I still want to see his Facebook sometimes LOL. Beat that slowness!! Is there a SR Snail award??

There are some here that for any reason did leave earlier when the abuse was starting to become obvious... sadly the hurt is much in these cases, too... not to say one did not choose a certain person but in earlier alcoholism stages it is not so obvious..the diff between a social drinker and alcoholic... and then we got their manipulation and acting as someone else. Oh well. But yes we all do have our 50%...

My therapist said everyone is codependent.. there are just some that realize their need of others hurts them..... I liked that way to describe this problem because it allows change.... sounds more like a mix of self awareness and learned destructive patterns..... NOT an inherent part of myself..... but well that is just my understanding of things.

And I too am glad to be part of this forum... knowing you are not alone in your feelings does help !! thanks for reaching out to others in need of compassionate words :ghug2

hmbld

Oh I still have my moments! I don't think they'll ever completely go away. I love this place because it gives me the ability to come in and read some of my old posts and see the progression I've made. Some of the stuff I read I'm like, "Good Lord woman! What in the heck were you thinking?"

When I first came on here I was still wearing the rose colored glass of "Well my situation is different and the outcome will be different because I CAN fix him and even if I can't it's not so bad". I remember scoffing at the posters who challenged that idea and forewarned me that it would get far worse. Little did I know how bad it would get and boy do I wish I'd have had the sense enough back then to listen and get the heck out before the walls came tumbling down.