hmbld

Does anyone else have a hard time being in a "normal" relationship after being in one for so long with an alcoholic?

A brief back story is that I am now dating a guy that I've known for years and have always had a great mutual respect for each other and are both now single and have started long distance kind of thing. He is the most wonderful guy in the world yet I am so on edge. It's like I am expecting the worst to happen but it never does and I don't quite know how to react to that if it makes any sense?

We see each other like maybe once or twice a month and I am always just looking for "signs", it's like I'm looking for somewhere that he is lying and I'm just not finding it and I just don't know quite how to deal with that ya know?

Thank God I have friends who talk me down from my craziness and he thinks I'm totally together. lol Actually, I'm quite honest with him as far as my quirks and bouts of neurotic paranoia, but he still seems to like me just fine.

I just never thought it would be this difficult to adjust, and enjoy someone that doesn't need tending to, fixing, or controlled.

It's everything I want, but I am having a hard time accepting that this is actually "real". Am I a total loon?

OtherHalf7

Nope, just lucky

hmbld

Do tell!

hmbld

And I'm told by many how "lucky" I am and that I need to just relax and enjoy the ride, but I sometimes feel like I am going 100 mph straight into a wall and without a seatbelt!

OtherHalf7

Um, let's see...I've had four serious relationships in my lifetime, and all were mentally unstable, addicted, and or abusive, so.... I must say, and I don't know why, but I tend to seek out damaged men, or vice versa! I wouldn't know how to act with a "nice, normal" man, either

A male friend confessed this week he's had a crush on me since we were teens...and said,

"we're NOT ALL BAD!"

Maybe someday, I'll find this out for myself, but, right now I'm still reeling from the break-up with my alcoholic boyfriend, so NO MORE NEW PEOPLE RIGHT NOW, lol!

Happy for you!

hmbld

I hear ya! lol

I was totally NOT looking for any kind of relationship. It was a bit of a fluke as far as how it all happened. My kid set up a facebook account for me and sent out a mass email from my email address book notifying everyone that I was now on facebook. He was one of the recipients. I'd blown him about a year prior when he called and said he was in town. I was just not ready to deal with anyone. So with the facebook thing he kept on me for a couple of months about coming to see me and finally I gave in and said fine.

I subjected him to the guantlet of meeting all of my friends (because quite frankly, I didn't trust my own judgement because hell I'd chosen a crazy damaged person to marry beforehand lol). He passed with flying colors and even the most bitter of all of my friends liked him very much.

I do these stupid little tests on him, like leaving all my stuff around his apartment so I can see if he's hidden them when I leave, and he's not. When I was back at his place a month later all of my stuff we right where I left it. My bath poof was hanging right by his razor in the shower, my girly smelly perfumes were still in his bedroom on his dresser. I'm such a kook that I totally figured he'd remove it all because he may want to be rolling some other woman through and such. Because, quite frankly, that is just what I'm used to ya know?

I am fortunate to have wonderful friends who listen to my insanity and tell me to not be all kooky with him, so I can freak out with them so I can get it out of me and just wait and see what he does and so far it's been all good on his end.

Still totally weird for me. I am accustomed to lying narcissistic men!

OtherHalf7

It's normal to be cynical...Lord, I trusted my latest ex with my life and BOOM! But, don't overdo it...maybe he's one of the few "good ones" left...never know

GrowingPains

As much as I hated to admit it to myself, yes. During the first few months of my current relationship I found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, as I was used to a cycle of peace before all hell broke lose in my former marriage. I'm happy to say the 'crazy' never came and we're approaching a year now. Try to be patient and kind to yourself -- I don't think anyone leaves an alcoholic relationship unscathed and I don't know how long it takes to completely heal. My feelings of anxiety have mostly subsided, as he's been consistent with his behavior and I've grown to trust him.

Even though I'm mostly comfortable with his relationship with alcohol, there are still times I fear he will change and become like my x. This terrifies me, although he's not behaving in a manner that suggests it.

tigger11

There are good men out there? Really?

Okay I give. Maybe there was one. But now you have him.

No worries. Maryland was too far for me to go anyway.

hmbld

You know, that's exactly what it is. I'm so used to anticipating that other shoe to drop I don't think my brain knows what to do with itself when it doesn't.

hmbld

He's actually in Atlanta, soon to be in Kansas. I'm in Maryland and perfectly content with racking up the frequent flyer miles as I think I'm not nearly ready to have some man around me every single day. I have a newfound selfishness for my time. ;-)

I think there are lots of good men out there, we're just magnets for the damaged ones. lol

Janitw

Its also partly due to the fact that as co-dependents we became addicted to the chaos that these people brought into our lives...and its hard to have a normal relationship with good people after that. I have heard people say that they have even turned to another alcoholic person on purpose....just because of this mentality...sad isn't it. BUT until these people reach out and admit to themselves that they too need help to become healthy, they will repeat the only pattern that they feel comfortable with.

Janitw

GrowingPains

Perhaps some people love the drama, but I HATED it! My life has enough interesting twists and turns in it to keep me satisfied -- I want nothing to do with the traumatic kind ever again; especially in my own home.

On this same subject, I was wondering how people here are around others' drinking. I'm fine around normal drinking, but I still have a strong anxiety bordering on panic type reaction when I'm around someone who's sloppy drunk, especially when the person is male. My normal action is to physically distance myself from them. I'm good at pretending to be calm, but I find their presence to be highly stressful. My split was over a year ago and it bothers me that I still have such a strong visceral reaction.

I didn't attend my bf's Thanksgiving for this very reason -- he has alcoholic family members and I couldn't bear the thought of being 'captive' in an environment with them.

BrandiSue

Nah. I'm doing the exact same thing. I've met several really great guys and am constantly looking for a sign. It's ridiculous.

OtherHalf7

I didn't even realize I had a "co-dependant" type personality until recently...when I'm in a relationship, I always here "you'd make a great wife" when translates into "you are kind enough to take my crap and not run away". I guess I should have been more aware...it's weird, but everyone, from potential mates to random strangers say I am "so understanding" and "easy to talk to" and will immediately open up to me...a man I met at a party confessed killing someone while overseas! Whoa! I always just said it's the psych degree, but I think it's just that part of me that wants the world to be happy with peace love and flowers and all that jazz!

Perhaps I should develop a questionnaire of some sort for potential mates to evaluate stability and emotional health before that first date, lol!

BrandiSue

LOL! Send me a copy when you do!!

alanonicnov2008

My relationship with my recovering alkie boyfriend was so traumatic that I can't even imagine letting someone get close to me -- I have no interest whatsoever. I want to see two years of tax returns, drug tests, certification of sanity and stability, and relationship history as summarized by a psychologist before I go there again.

Sometimes "love" isn't worth it.

onlyliveonce

Well I got my red flag this week-end: was supposed to meet for dinner, he never returned my call so I left a message and told him to lose my number. Guys only get one chance and that's it these days. I don't do second chances anymore, sorry, your loss!!

TakingCharge999

Oh do I get the feeling... yes after hitting my bottom I too became "impatient" with dates...and friends.. and family...and coworkers...and strangers making stupid comments... its like I was struck by lightning... before I trusted 100% and now my motto is "TRUST NO ONE" that has not proven worth for a consistent time lol.

After years of patterns its difficult to break them....... with the "new" guy after the aftermath I still went to my therapist so I knew she would keep me on track... and introduced him to more people that are close to me...

Its a process but I learned to see the actions. They are very telling. After some time of consistency from his part your fears will start subsiding. I see it as having better glasses to see reality..... you got SR too so if anything seems suspicious you can bring it to the "council" lol

Remember you can take all your time to trust again........ I am taking my time to give my heart and its very rewarding... Good for you for attracting and looking for a better guy overall.. perhaps he is not the one, but if he is a Starter Good Guy I say its a step forward

DesertEyes

I have my list already

1- Do I find her instantly attractive and intriguing? If yes; run for the hills.

2- Do I find her quirky and interesting? Run even harder.

3- Does she need somebody like me to help her get a stable life? Call my sponsor _now_

4- Am I ready to marry her on the first date? Find somebody to knock me out and drag me to a shrink

Mike