relationships after "the aftermath"
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Hey!! I've been told ok attractive and intriguing....
And I'm definitely quirky, and I've heard interesting, though I think I'm quite boring!
I don't know how I feel about your list Mike! Haha.
As for me, at this point I'm just trying to keep an open heart.
And I'm definitely quirky, and I've heard interesting, though I think I'm quite boring!
I don't know how I feel about your list Mike! Haha.
As for me, at this point I'm just trying to keep an open heart.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by hmbld 
I hear ya! lol
I'd blown him about a year prior when he called and said he was in town. I was just not ready to deal with anyone. !
I'd blown him about a year prior when he called and said he was in town. I was just not ready to deal with anyone. !
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by GrowingPains
Perhaps some people love the drama, but I HATED it! My life has enough interesting twists and turns in it to keep me satisfied -- I want nothing to do with the traumatic kind ever again; especially in my own home.
On this same subject, I was wondering how people here are around others' drinking. I'm fine around normal drinking, but I still have a strong anxiety bordering on panic type reaction when I'm around someone who's sloppy drunk, especially when the person is male. My normal action is to physically distance myself from them. I'm good at pretending to be calm, but I find their presence to be highly stressful. My split was over a year ago and it bothers me that I still have such a strong visceral reaction.
I didn't attend my bf's Thanksgiving for this very reason -- he has alcoholic family members and I couldn't bear the thought of being 'captive' in an environment with them.
On this same subject, I was wondering how people here are around others' drinking. I'm fine around normal drinking, but I still have a strong anxiety bordering on panic type reaction when I'm around someone who's sloppy drunk, especially when the person is male. My normal action is to physically distance myself from them. I'm good at pretending to be calm, but I find their presence to be highly stressful. My split was over a year ago and it bothers me that I still have such a strong visceral reaction.
I didn't attend my bf's Thanksgiving for this very reason -- he has alcoholic family members and I couldn't bear the thought of being 'captive' in an environment with them.
I'm with you! I've had enough drama to last me a million lifetimes!
I am also with you on my hyper sensitivity to sloppy drunks. I'm perfectly fine with normal drinking. I do that myself. I meet my friends for happy hour on occassion, so I'm not completely freaked out over drinking in general. One of my friends is a raging alcoholic and I just can't be around her except for lunch because if it's after work she's getting smashed. It stresses me out too much.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
So I've taken the spontaneous leap and am flying down to Atlanta on Thursday and doing a road trip to Kansas. He asked on Friday if I wanted to and my initial response was "Are you crazy? I can't do that!" Then I got to thinking about why couldn't I? It boiled down to me never doing anything spontaneous because god only knows what would happen if I left my XAH to his own devices for a day. I dont' have that worry anymore, so it's just a matter of now retraining my brain. I also thought for sure that if I mentioned it to my daughter, she'd be upset and that she needs me so much that there is just no way. She had the opposite reaction. She's fine with it and thinks it's a great idea. So she's going to spend the night at a girlfriend's Thursday night and ride the bus to school with her and then spend the weekend with my mom and dad. I am still a bit edgy about and I know it is simply residual angst from my past life. 
So here's to breaking the "I can't" pattern and living in the moment.
So here's to breaking the "I can't" pattern and living in the moment.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by GrowingPains
On this same subject, I was wondering how people here are around others' drinking.
But I digress......I hate alcohol altogether! I even hate the commercials!!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
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Originally Posted by Dreamer42long
It's ironic that I actually gave up drinking for him (to support him)
I kind of feel that it was one other thing that he took away from me and I'm not going to allow alcohol to control my thinking anymore. I don't feel guilty anymore for having drink with my girlfriends. We all love to get together and cook dinner, have a couple drinks, and talk and laugh and break out the Wii Rock Band. Rock Band is a great way to blow off some steam and get some good laughs at the same time. I highly recommend it. ;-)
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Perhaps I should develop a questionnaire of some sort for potential mates to evaluate stability and emotional health before that first date, lol!
(1) Do you still live with your mother?
(2) Do you have a job?
(3) do you GO to your job?
(4) Do you have a good/decent relationship with your family?
(5) Do you take any medications?
(6) does your doctor KNOW you take them?
(7) Have you been institutionalized in the past 5 years?
I can tell you, knowing the answers to these questions would have saved me a lot of heartache, sleepless nights, and about $10,000.
My BF? He passed all these with flying colors. There are some really good and healthy men out there. I wasn't able to find one until I was ready, and that took some time and a lot of healing and recovery work first.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 14
I fired my XABF a few months ago and starting to enjoy the drama free life. I wrote this in my journal last night because there is a "no drama man" that wants to date me and I keep shooing him away...
I am not allowing myself to enjoy ____'s presence or friendship because of preconceived notions or failures in my head about men. I will always hold my own self back in relationships if I do not overcome my fears and will continue to attract the same type of person. Like attracts like - change yourself and change what comes into your life.
I don't know if that will help your situation but some of those sudden 2:00 am realizations really make me question what I am doing. I don't want to continue the same path and now I just have to hard wire my head to believe it.
I am not allowing myself to enjoy ____'s presence or friendship because of preconceived notions or failures in my head about men. I will always hold my own self back in relationships if I do not overcome my fears and will continue to attract the same type of person. Like attracts like - change yourself and change what comes into your life.
I don't know if that will help your situation but some of those sudden 2:00 am realizations really make me question what I am doing. I don't want to continue the same path and now I just have to hard wire my head to believe it.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
I like what CatsPajama's said, and my brother (about 20 years in recovery) said something very similar. Stay FAR away (as Mike said; "run for the HILLS") from romantic relationships until you're absolutely comfortable being alone. In fact, until you'd prefer to be alone. My goal is to work on knowing myself, why I choose unhealthy relationships, how to set healthy boundaries, and a whole bunch of other stuff that I don't know that I don't know yet. (repetition intended).
Good luck to all of us, and may we all trust in our HP to help us heal and choose wisely.
Tigg
Good luck to all of us, and may we all trust in our HP to help us heal and choose wisely.
Tigg
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
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Originally Posted by tigger11
Stay FAR away (as Mike said; "run for the HILLS") from romantic relationships until you're absolutely comfortable being alone. In fact, until you'd prefer to be alone.
I LOVE being alone, which is why this thing I have going now is just perfect. He lives far far away and we only see each other once or twice a month and there is no intention on either of our parts to change that anytime soon. My life is right here in Maryland until my youngest is out of school and off to college. I have a great job that I have no intention of leaving to run off with some man.
I'd like to eventually be in the position to do my job from anywhere in the world and just fly in once or twice a month to attend meetings and such, and I'm working towards that goal, but not because I want to move out to Kansas but so I can travel the world and take up residence wherever I want for a couple months at a time and then pack up and find another exotic location (preferably warm and beachy). I have big dreams and I am bound and determined to make them a reality.
What makes it all even better is that he is totally good with all that. He's the least needy man I have ever met and yet here is always my brain going "okay, so what's the catch?" lol If I find one you guys will be the first to know!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Humboldt TN
Posts: 114
CatsPajamas I love the checklist! I would like to add...
did you buy, grow, or sell the dope in high school?
how many fake IDs have you possessed in your lifetime?
aliases?
can anyone verify you have no arrest record?
blood and hair samples please!
LOL
did you buy, grow, or sell the dope in high school?
how many fake IDs have you possessed in your lifetime?
aliases?
can anyone verify you have no arrest record?
blood and hair samples please!
LOL
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
It's been a while since I've posted so I figured I would give an update. I am no longer dating the man from Kansas, but there was no bad blood in that breakup. He is a wonderful man and was a significant stepping stone in helping me build the most important relationship of all, and that is one with myself.
I guess I just wanted to post to let those of you out there who are feeling trapped, and feeling afraid, and feeling confused, that there is hope. You can reclaim your life and you can be happy.
The most daunting task is taking that first step to reclaim your life. Sometimes the fear is almost paralyzing, but you can do it and the reward is great.
Much love to you all who are still trying, as I have felt every bit of pain, frustration, and confusion that you have right now.
I guess I just wanted to post to let those of you out there who are feeling trapped, and feeling afraid, and feeling confused, that there is hope. You can reclaim your life and you can be happy.
The most daunting task is taking that first step to reclaim your life. Sometimes the fear is almost paralyzing, but you can do it and the reward is great.
Much love to you all who are still trying, as I have felt every bit of pain, frustration, and confusion that you have right now.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
You may not believe this but I am always that way when I date someone new and that was before ever dating the RABF. Waiting for the other shoe to drop or sabotaging 'good' things. My trust issues come from my Mom who never trusted men. Which was sad because as far as I remember, my dad never strayed. It came from her having a father who was a huge womanizer. And here I am, dated many calm, stable, devoted men but I am never quite 'relaxed' and am always anticipating a disaster because she would tell my sister and I that men are never to be trusted. Sad huh?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 281
Originally Posted by hmbld
Does anyone else have a hard time being in a "normal" relationship after being in one for so long with an alcoholic?
A brief back story is that I am now dating a guy that I've known for years and have always had a great mutual respect for each other and are both now single and have started long distance kind of thing. He is the most wonderful guy in the world yet I am so on edge. It's like I am expecting the worst to happen but it never does and I don't quite know how to react to that if it makes any sense?
We see each other like maybe once or twice a month and I am always just looking for "signs", it's like I'm looking for somewhere that he is lying and I'm just not finding it and I just don't know quite how to deal with that ya know?
Thank God I have friends who talk me down from my craziness and he thinks I'm totally together. lol Actually, I'm quite honest with him as far as my quirks and bouts of neurotic paranoia, but he still seems to like me just fine.
I just never thought it would be this difficult to adjust, and enjoy someone that doesn't need tending to, fixing, or controlled.
It's everything I want, but I am having a hard time accepting that this is actually "real". Am I a total loon?
A brief back story is that I am now dating a guy that I've known for years and have always had a great mutual respect for each other and are both now single and have started long distance kind of thing. He is the most wonderful guy in the world yet I am so on edge. It's like I am expecting the worst to happen but it never does and I don't quite know how to react to that if it makes any sense?
We see each other like maybe once or twice a month and I am always just looking for "signs", it's like I'm looking for somewhere that he is lying and I'm just not finding it and I just don't know quite how to deal with that ya know?
Thank God I have friends who talk me down from my craziness and he thinks I'm totally together. lol Actually, I'm quite honest with him as far as my quirks and bouts of neurotic paranoia, but he still seems to like me just fine.
I just never thought it would be this difficult to adjust, and enjoy someone that doesn't need tending to, fixing, or controlled.
It's everything I want, but I am having a hard time accepting that this is actually "real". Am I a total loon?
Hi Hmbld, did you read my mind? Lol. I've just got home from being out all day and I was going to post a similar type of thread....I still will, so I don't hijack this one, ha ha.. All I can say is "I hear ya!". I have no idea what a 'normal' relationship is like or what it's supposed to feel like! I also look for 'signs' and run...so, I'm going to look through the replies and see what everyone comes up with and post a thread of my own with another question about so-called 'normal' relationships....Good luck!
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Location: Maryland
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Originally Posted by Floss
Hi Hmbld, did you read my mind? Lol. I've just got home from being out all day and I was going to post a similar type of thread....I still will, so I don't hijack this one, ha ha.. All I can say is "I hear ya!". I have no idea what a 'normal' relationship is like or what it's supposed to feel like! I also look for 'signs' and run...so, I'm going to look through the replies and see what everyone comes up with and post a thread of my own with another question about so-called 'normal' relationships....Good luck!
Boy, if I could read minds, I could make a mint!
I am always looking for "signs" I think I am almost neurotic about it. I think the signs I look for most though are in myself. I don't ever want to slip back in to accepting less than I deserve.
I am actually incredibly fortunate to have a magnificent man in my life now who is decent, kind, and incredibly wise.
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Originally Posted by Babyblue
You may not believe this but I am always that way when I date someone new and that was before ever dating the RABF. Waiting for the other shoe to drop or sabotaging 'good' things. My trust issues come from my Mom who never trusted men. Which was sad because as far as I remember, my dad never strayed. It came from her having a father who was a huge womanizer. And here I am, dated many calm, stable, devoted men but I am never quite 'relaxed' and am always anticipating a disaster because she would tell my sister and I that men are never to be trusted. Sad huh?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
A suggestion is to start with this...
...because to me it's a warning sign, and I hear this from Al-Anon people all the time and used to do it myself. He is not the most wonderful guy in the world. He's just a guy, as am I, and he suffers from the human condition just like the rest of us. This is true of our women as well-- just humans, not the most wonderful women in the world.
Having said that, keep working your program and you'll be the best "you" you can be. He may in fact, be a fantastic guy, and you'll learn going along who he will end up being in your life. This time be guided by your recovery and your higher power.
Good luck!
Cyranoak
P.s. To answer your question, I'm terrified of ever dating again. Absolutely terrified. I hope I remember my own advice if I'm ever out there again.
Having said that, keep working your program and you'll be the best "you" you can be. He may in fact, be a fantastic guy, and you'll learn going along who he will end up being in your life. This time be guided by your recovery and your higher power.
Good luck!
Cyranoak
P.s. To answer your question, I'm terrified of ever dating again. Absolutely terrified. I hope I remember my own advice if I'm ever out there again.
Originally Posted by hmbld
Does anyone else have a hard time being in a "normal" relationship after being in one for so long with an alcoholic?
A brief back story is that I am now dating a guy that I've known for years and have always had a great mutual respect for each other and are both now single and have started long distance kind of thing. He is the most wonderful guy in the world yet I am so on edge. It's like I am expecting the worst to happen but it never does and I don't quite know how to react to that if it makes any sense?
We see each other like maybe once or twice a month and I am always just looking for "signs", it's like I'm looking for somewhere that he is lying and I'm just not finding it and I just don't know quite how to deal with that ya know?
Thank God I have friends who talk me down from my craziness and he thinks I'm totally together. lol Actually, I'm quite honest with him as far as my quirks and bouts of neurotic paranoia, but he still seems to like me just fine.
I just never thought it would be this difficult to adjust, and enjoy someone that doesn't need tending to, fixing, or controlled.
It's everything I want, but I am having a hard time accepting that this is actually "real". Am I a total loon?
A brief back story is that I am now dating a guy that I've known for years and have always had a great mutual respect for each other and are both now single and have started long distance kind of thing. He is the most wonderful guy in the world yet I am so on edge. It's like I am expecting the worst to happen but it never does and I don't quite know how to react to that if it makes any sense?
We see each other like maybe once or twice a month and I am always just looking for "signs", it's like I'm looking for somewhere that he is lying and I'm just not finding it and I just don't know quite how to deal with that ya know?
Thank God I have friends who talk me down from my craziness and he thinks I'm totally together. lol Actually, I'm quite honest with him as far as my quirks and bouts of neurotic paranoia, but he still seems to like me just fine.
I just never thought it would be this difficult to adjust, and enjoy someone that doesn't need tending to, fixing, or controlled.
It's everything I want, but I am having a hard time accepting that this is actually "real". Am I a total loon?
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