Kittyboo

I read a lot about everyone's A's being sweet and lovable when they are sober, and then become complete jacka**** when drunk.....

well, mine was the opposite. In hindsight, I feel like our entire relationship was built when he was drinking. Because the majority of our conversations were for hours over the phone, I didn't realize it until later that he was drinking throughout those 4 and 5 hour conversations, bottles of wine; beer.

But he was never sloppy....he could carry on intelligent conversation, he was sweet, "self-aware", ambitious, affectionate, caring, ...oh and full of s***, but I digress.
But when he was sober, he was edgy and seemed to have a complete lack of regard for my feelings.
It's just that he had an act down....Academy Award worthy.

Did anyone else find this? That their A's were actually "sweeter" when they were drinking?

Wow, someone who I called my best friend; I don't even know who he was.

Pelican

Yep. My ex was and I was too when I was drinking. Until he would drink past an invisible line and become angry.

Alcoholics are addicted to alcohol. The addiction affects every part of the body and the brain. The first few drinks bring on a sense of euphoria. AAhhh we have our drug of choice. I thought I was more clever, funnier, more sensitive, more thoughtful, etc...but I was just addicted and getting my fix. Because when I wasn't drinking, I was moody, and short-tempered. I understand now that was caused by withdrawals. My body was craving the quick energy and calories of alcohol. I was moody until I got my fix.

I read "Under the Influence" and finally understood my addiction to alcohol. I was able to use some of the tips in that book as well as advice here at SR to escape my addiction. The excerpts from that book are in our sticky section at the top of this forum. It may help you understand alcoholism and how it affects the entire body.

IMHO, when I am remembering the sweet guy that was, I'm remembering times prior to alcoholism becoming an addiction.

kv816

That was actually one of the few excuses I used when I didn't want to enable him anymore by buying his beer but did it anyway.....that he was just easier to get along with when he was drinking than he was otherwise.

It's like Pelican said.....because he had his number one choice. He had that thing he needed to keep himself feeling good, upbeat, worthwhile, normal.

Occasionally I'd see him a few weeks dry; after the withdrawl had come and gone. And he was that guy I remembered from years earlier. But it didn't last. Soon as he came into a few dollars it went straight towards his number one choice. And I was once again faced with the choice of which was easier to handle.....the drunk him or the going through withdrawl him.

I'm so glad not to have to make that choice anymore. I hate being single. But I hate having to be with someone who I had to guess which personality, which attitude, I'd be with at any given time.

Still Waters

My dry AH is mean, manipulative, and abusive. My drinking AH is argumentative, more engaged, more thoughtful, yet utterly insane.

No winning with this.

Buffalo66

Yes, and No.
Someone above posted that there was an invisible line that he would drink past and then he would become mean. I have come to say "this is where the drunk turned".

My A is unstable, anxious, intolerant, and cranky when sober, then for several hours of steady, but kind of controlled drinking he can be fun, relaxed, easygoing, sweet...

Then. his drunk will turn. And it can be a matter of a sip. One sip, he is laughing at my jokes, takes another sip, and I am an "insufferable bitch who gets off on trying to make other men laugh".

I used to argue, then I wised up, somewhat easier to do when you are more aware of it, and now, I simply state,"I am afraid the drunk has turned, and from this point all communication is useless."

This is also the point at which his recollections of the time after the fact become blurred or blacked out.

Unfortunately, he has so many other issues, that this is the point he needs to drink to in order to sleep almost any given night.

So, even though we were capable of having a great night, watching a great movie at home, laughing, being close, him being relatively "present", at some point it was going to turn, and it messed with my head everyday.

I am only grateful that our four year old son has only had VERY minimal exposure, if any to the point of the turn. He has been around the cranky sober guy alot, but, the really too far gone drunk was usually only ever around after baby went to bed.

sb0804

Well my XAW was nice as could be when drunk but then again she usually passed out before she got mean.

Sober? that is when she crossed that turned from nice in to unstable, anxious, intolerant, and cranky.

littlefish

Lots of talk here in the F&F forum is about alcoholics so I pop in here occasionally and am intrigued by the interpretations of alcoholics because I am one. I am an alcoholic working the 12 steps. If I find myself being mean, manipulative and abusive in sobriety, I am clearly doing something totally wrong.

I am also a woman. The overwhelming number of posts in this particular forum are about codie women being with alcoholic men. The number of posts about men married to alcoholic women are few and far between.

Which makes me think some of these issues spill over into plain and simple sexism and men's perpection that they have "rights" over women based on their sex. I would not try to pull half this **** with my husband that alcoholic men are doing to their wives.

Still Waters

I'd bet if we had more men posting, you'd hear more about them being abused. There is more stigma attached with men being abused by their wives - it's much harder for those men to admit and talk about.

sb0804

I am one of the few men who post in here and I will admit that it is hard for guys to admit that they are abused. The problem is that as a guy you are raised to be tough and that you don't express feelings as much as women. Because of this it is hard for many of us to admit these things but once you do admit it (first to yourself and then to others) the feeling of peace is incredible.

In my humble opinion one of the hard things for guys to do is learn to set boundaries because by nature we are "fixers". Once I learned to get over being fixer (now I know it is enabler) and set boundaries (thanks Al Anon!) I have found peace with myself. An incredible feeling of my old self and true peace that I am having a hard time explaining. Because after 10 years of verbal abuse I have decided that my boundary won't accept it anymore and my AW doesn't know how to handle it. She is so used to me being her whipping boy that she doesn't know what to do when I wont allow it anymore.

Sorry for the ramble I guess it is hard as a guy to even put it correctly in to words.

Kittyboo

Everyone always has such great views and insight.

Sb- you didn't ramble and it was great to hear your point of view.

Buffalo- Mine as well had many issues and used alcohol to self medicate and also sleep at night. Unfortunately, that is his choice to use as a coping mechanism instead of therapy or medication. (he was anti-medication too).
Though, I would say that alchohol is not just used to help him sleep, it's just a part of his life as a whole, socially, privately....it's what he does.

He admitted to being an alcoholic once in a state of hitting a bottom after a car accident. Told me he would just go to the store and without even thinking about it buy bottles of wine.....said he knew he needed to quit.
That didn't last long, the next afternoon he was saying that he just needs to "dry out, and control it, which he can do."

Ultimately he felt the only person in his life who could help him, and the only person he said he wanted to live for was his ex wife. They can continue to party together....guess that's his idea of life.

nodaybut2day

Yep, my XH was much nicer (albeit LOUDER) when he drank than when he didn't. He'd joke around, laugh at lots of stuff, tell the same stories over and over, and try to be "romantic" with me. When he was very intoxicated, he'd be prone to all kinds of wild antics, fits of mad giggling, and stumbling around. When he didn't drink, "life" in general (me, his son, the baby, his job, the French, the WORLD) stressed him out and he inevitably found something to rail about on and on. That's when he was mean, would freak out at me and yell at the top of his lungs.

I also found myself wanting to let him drink because he was easier to deal with when intoxicated.

BS08

My exABF was sweet as pie and very affectionate when he had a buzz on. He grab me from behind and hug me, say really nice things and be a lot of fun until he started stumbling. Then I'd be holding him up more than getting a hug.

When he tried to "cut down" the drinking or stop all together (lasting MAYBE a day or two), he would be somewhat his sweet self, but as the sober time grew, he would almost be passive/agressive and just start criticising me a lot. It was so bad one time at the beginning of our relationship that he made me cry in the car because I just couldn't seem to do anything right and couldn't figure out where this behavior was coming from. (this is when he first told me he was falling in love with me. Now I see it was his way of him controlling my criticism of his behavior. I didn't say it back at that time. Boy, may I have subconciously known something?)

Hated the edginess, the snippy comments and moodiness that came with him before he grabbed a beer. Hate to say it, but I actually think I would get him a beer when I saw it coming on.

Still Waters

Glad to see you comment on this, thanks!