Need prayers and support from SR and HP
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Need prayers and support from SR and HP
Friends, I go to mediation for a second time this afternoon and I need your support and prayers. I'm having a lot of trouble remembering what my end goal is and hanging onto my anger at XAH. Generally, that's not an issue, but after a blissful day of no contact and then a very matter-of-fact call this morning to confirm our appointment and take care of busiess, I'm confused and quite a bit tired. Not so much physically as emotionally...does that make sense? My emotions are worn out.
Maybe that's what he's trying to do to me: create drama, freak me out, then act all nice in the hopes of getting what he wants.
Ugh.
I'm trying my best to take care of my baby girl, to think of HER needs in this custody battle and not be bogged down by pettiness or revenge, remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and that even though XAH states he isn't drinking now because he's broke, that may not always be the case, and he'll start drinking again.
I guess I'm torn between my desire to "make things ok" betwee us and just to get on with my life. I'm wavering on my decision to go live with my parents, about 45 minutes away from XAH by subway, and I'm sometimes wishing I had moved into a place close by his.
I just wish things would start going WELL for me for a change.
Great, now I'm crying.
Maybe that's what he's trying to do to me: create drama, freak me out, then act all nice in the hopes of getting what he wants.
Ugh.
I'm trying my best to take care of my baby girl, to think of HER needs in this custody battle and not be bogged down by pettiness or revenge, remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and that even though XAH states he isn't drinking now because he's broke, that may not always be the case, and he'll start drinking again.
I guess I'm torn between my desire to "make things ok" betwee us and just to get on with my life. I'm wavering on my decision to go live with my parents, about 45 minutes away from XAH by subway, and I'm sometimes wishing I had moved into a place close by his.
I just wish things would start going WELL for me for a change.
Great, now I'm crying.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Ask to mediate in separate rooms. Please! You're right to keep your daughter in your thoughts and be strong for her. You CAN do this. You are very capable.
You will definitely have my prayers.
You will definitely have my prayers.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Sending you lots of good vibes and support.
I hope you can have separate room mediation. I am glad you asked for it!
Also, I remember attention was given to other issues other than THIS MAN'S ALCOHOLISM. This is the time to speak up. For your daughter. What if something happens to her while with him? you need to protect her at all costs... remember, you are the sane one, the responsible parent, you are the one who is right.
"This man is an active alcoholic in denial. He is not fit to supervise a kid, much less a baby, alone. Other issues that have been brought to the table are just distractions. His drinking comes first and I am very fearful of my kids' safety if they are ever alone with him. Also, I was afraid of saying this as he has been angry and agressive with us before"
Perhaps bring these thoughts in paper so you can give it to the mediator in case you are too nervous to speak up?.
I of course know nothing about these sessions but that is what I did when I wanted to tell things to my dad... but was too angry and sad to talk without my overwhelming emotions taking over.
Hoping all the best for you today.. you can do this!
I hope you can have separate room mediation. I am glad you asked for it!
Also, I remember attention was given to other issues other than THIS MAN'S ALCOHOLISM. This is the time to speak up. For your daughter. What if something happens to her while with him? you need to protect her at all costs... remember, you are the sane one, the responsible parent, you are the one who is right.
"This man is an active alcoholic in denial. He is not fit to supervise a kid, much less a baby, alone. Other issues that have been brought to the table are just distractions. His drinking comes first and I am very fearful of my kids' safety if they are ever alone with him. Also, I was afraid of saying this as he has been angry and agressive with us before"
Perhaps bring these thoughts in paper so you can give it to the mediator in case you are too nervous to speak up?.
I of course know nothing about these sessions but that is what I did when I wanted to tell things to my dad... but was too angry and sad to talk without my overwhelming emotions taking over.
Hoping all the best for you today.. you can do this!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Your end goal is to separate yourself legally from an active addict. To protect yourself and your child from a life of chaos. Here are some of your words describing him:
from 10-2009
from 10-2009
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
Lately, as my separation from my STBX progresses, all sorts of dirty secrets have come to light making me feel excessively icky and weirded out.
I found out today in a conversation with my parents that over a year ago, my STBX had gone to their house after a job interview in the area, and opened a bottle of 18 year old whiskey my father was saving for a business associate of his. STBX proceeded to polish off most of the booze and told my mother to let my father know that he'd opened the bottle.
I was also told that while we visited from Toronto, STBX hid bottles of Jack Daniels in my parents' closet, so he could sneak booze in. I had no clue...
My father then admitted to me that he'd thought of purchasing a gun and shooting my STBX just so I could be free of him. Geez.
I thought I'd hit the drama quota for the day, but nooooo...
Later today, I find out while in conversation with STBX's mother (who lives in Vegas) that the entire story STBX had told me, about how his dad wasn't really his dad, was all hogwash. When we met, STBX told me that his mother had had an affair with some French politician but that we couldn't talk about it with her because she was "too fragile" and that the rest of the family didn't know so we couldn't mention it to them either. How convenient.
He'd also told me his mom had been a world-renowed neurosurgeon, and that his sister was a award-winning cardiologist. Also false. They're both nurses!
He'd told me that he had a brother named Misha who died when he was young, and that his mother was so distraught over it that we couldn't mention it to her....False!
He'd told me that he had robbed a bank and had been some superstar criminal that the FBI had finally caught, and this is why he had to change his name. I've heard him tell his son over and over about how even though he was a super smart criminal, he finally got caught, which that goes to show you that everyone gets caught, so don't break the law...blah blah blah. All FALSE!
Also, he neglected to tell me that I was not in fact his FIRST wife, but his second....I've just seen pictures of his first wedding when he was 19, in some big church with the bride wearing a big white gown, etc etc.
Honestly now. :wtf2 Who does this sort of stuff? I'm just sitting here somewhat stunned. I mean, when I meet someone, I don't automatically start questioning everything the person says and I don't ask someone "Are you a lying schizophrenic?".
I...have no more words.
I found out today in a conversation with my parents that over a year ago, my STBX had gone to their house after a job interview in the area, and opened a bottle of 18 year old whiskey my father was saving for a business associate of his. STBX proceeded to polish off most of the booze and told my mother to let my father know that he'd opened the bottle.
I was also told that while we visited from Toronto, STBX hid bottles of Jack Daniels in my parents' closet, so he could sneak booze in. I had no clue...My father then admitted to me that he'd thought of purchasing a gun and shooting my STBX just so I could be free of him. Geez.
I thought I'd hit the drama quota for the day, but nooooo...
Later today, I find out while in conversation with STBX's mother (who lives in Vegas) that the entire story STBX had told me, about how his dad wasn't really his dad, was all hogwash. When we met, STBX told me that his mother had had an affair with some French politician but that we couldn't talk about it with her because she was "too fragile" and that the rest of the family didn't know so we couldn't mention it to them either. How convenient.
He'd also told me his mom had been a world-renowed neurosurgeon, and that his sister was a award-winning cardiologist. Also false. They're both nurses!
He'd told me that he had a brother named Misha who died when he was young, and that his mother was so distraught over it that we couldn't mention it to her....False!
He'd told me that he had robbed a bank and had been some superstar criminal that the FBI had finally caught, and this is why he had to change his name. I've heard him tell his son over and over about how even though he was a super smart criminal, he finally got caught, which that goes to show you that everyone gets caught, so don't break the law...blah blah blah. All FALSE!
Also, he neglected to tell me that I was not in fact his FIRST wife, but his second....I've just seen pictures of his first wedding when he was 19, in some big church with the bride wearing a big white gown, etc etc.
Honestly now. :wtf2 Who does this sort of stuff? I'm just sitting here somewhat stunned. I mean, when I meet someone, I don't automatically start questioning everything the person says and I don't ask someone "Are you a lying schizophrenic?".
I...have no more words.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Another reminder:
You are doing this to protect yourself legally from any more of his addicitons. Your words in October:
You are doing this to protect yourself legally from any more of his addicitons. Your words in October:
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
Ok, I just finished posting a long thread and somehow I lost it.
Here's the gist of it though:
For the past 5 years, I've let my finances slip, all for STBX. I supported him for 3 years by dancing at night, and even by making over 50K cash, under the table, I managed to rack up nearly 30K of debt. I had to declare personal bankruptcy. No one forced me to do it. I did it to myself. All FOR HIM. Because there was always something that he wanted, needed or deserved. Booze. Cocaine. Videogames. Camera equipment. Clothing. Even now, he spends every last dime we have on what he thinks he deserves.
So here I am, 5 years later, trying to separate from him, and just now starting to fix my very dire financial situation. I think my credit rating is "R9: Bad Credit" (i.e. the worse credit there is). I hope to someday fix my credit so that I can buy myself a house (like someday when I'm 50!).
Looking back, I feel like such a moron for letting this happen to me. I let myself be convinced that I didn't have to pay bills, that I could ignore letters and calls from collections agents, etc.
Am I the only tool to have done this sort of stupid stuff?
Here's the gist of it though:
For the past 5 years, I've let my finances slip, all for STBX. I supported him for 3 years by dancing at night, and even by making over 50K cash, under the table, I managed to rack up nearly 30K of debt. I had to declare personal bankruptcy. No one forced me to do it. I did it to myself. All FOR HIM. Because there was always something that he wanted, needed or deserved. Booze. Cocaine. Videogames. Camera equipment. Clothing. Even now, he spends every last dime we have on what he thinks he deserves.
So here I am, 5 years later, trying to separate from him, and just now starting to fix my very dire financial situation. I think my credit rating is "R9: Bad Credit" (i.e. the worse credit there is). I hope to someday fix my credit so that I can buy myself a house (like someday when I'm 50!).
Looking back, I feel like such a moron for letting this happen to me. I let myself be convinced that I didn't have to pay bills, that I could ignore letters and calls from collections agents, etc.
Am I the only tool to have done this sort of stupid stuff?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Thank you Pelican, Cowgirl and Takingcharge...I appreciate your thoughts and reminders. Sometimes there are so many issues to keep in mind that I feel like I can't grasp them all or show a clear picture of the situation without someone connecting into my brain and seeing for themselves what a crazymaker this man has been in my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
His mother:
"He loves no one more than he loves himself"
Also
"Save yourself and your little girl: get out".
His sister:
"My brother is a kind of a gigolo; he goes from woman to woman and uses them".
Nice.
"He loves no one more than he loves himself"
Also
"Save yourself and your little girl: get out".
His sister:
"My brother is a kind of a gigolo; he goes from woman to woman and uses them".
Nice.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I did this (removed myself and children from a life of addiction) by reminding myself that I wanted my children to believe in me. I want to be the parent they can trust.
Edited to add this: I did not like the process of removing us from that life. I did not like having to remember and reitterate the reasons why to lawyers, etc. I knew it was temporary, and just the process. "This to shall pass"
Edited to add this: I did not like the process of removing us from that life. I did not like having to remember and reitterate the reasons why to lawyers, etc. I knew it was temporary, and just the process. "This to shall pass"
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I think it's pretty common that when this type of thing comes up (having to go to mediation) we ALL get confused and come un-wired. This is why I value and practice journaling. It is so easy to forget what happened and what you felt a month ago, even when there is NO drama, alcoholism, etc in your life. Journaling relieves stress, gets my feelings out, and provides me with a timeline of what has happened, which helps me to be better able to prevent things from happening again and strengthens me during times like these that you are going through.
Peace. Take care of yourself.
Peace. Take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Well, mediation went ok, but I'm still unsure and confused.
We didn't get to mediate in separate rooms as per my request. The mediator didn't want to do it that way. He did institute a "no interruption" rule, so that I was able to talk unhindered. It was hard even that way. I could feel my XH staring at me and I shook a good part of the time. I was able to bring up drinking, anger problems, lack of interest/care in DD, mental instability. Then he brought up my supposed multiple suicide attempts, my dancing, and the fact that he's no longer struggling with anger because I'm not there anymore; he claims that it was because *I* was constantly ignoring him and disrespecting him that he was angry. Blame me for everything why don't you? In any case, this issue wasn't resolve this time around, and I still don't know what to do about it...
The mediator did his best to keep XH on track and I forced myself to focus on DD and her needs.
The only "progress" we made was that XH agreed not to drink alcohol in the 12 hours preceeding the visit, and not to have any in his apartment. He agreed that I could search his place top to bottom, but frankly, I don't want that responsibility. It reminds me too much of being with him, sneaking around, looking for clues of his dishonesty. I brought up this fact with the mediator and he responded that even if we were to go to court, the judge could only order the same sort of thing and that it couldn't be verified whether or not XH complied, unless I had amassed evidence to the contrary. Since XH is a functional alcoholic, or maybe just a heavy drinker, there is no papertrail or legal evidence of his alcohol abuse, so I'm stuck dancing around the law, with my child as an innocent pawn.
So, it feels like there's some progress and yet I'm still feeling leary of XH. I want him to see DD, but I'm having trouble believing anything he says or does.
We've been able to agree to a trial visit this Sunday, where I'll inspect the apartment and then leave XH alone with DD for 60 minutes and then return to supervise the rest of the time. Again, I brought up my unease about this with the mediator and his response was that since I'd already left DD with XH in the past for this same amount of time, there's a precedent and that I need to make a compromise or at least try things out before refusing.
I think I'll actually be sitting at the coffee shop a block away the entire time...
I'm less than happy with this, but I know that going to court will involve a lot of character assassination on both sides, and we may very well end up with the same sort of arrangement that we have right now (so believes our lawyer mediator).
The only thing that occurs to me is that if I do not serve him with custody papers, I won't have any more legal rights to DD than XH, and should he behave erratically and take her somewhere without my consent, I won't have any legal recourse unless I have him served with an emergency order of protection, but then again, I have no guarantee that it'll be given, since XH has begun behaving like Super Dad in preparation for anything of the sort.
Ugh my brain is mush today.
L2L...I think I'm going to go buy myself a nice journal at lunch to resume my journaling.
We didn't get to mediate in separate rooms as per my request. The mediator didn't want to do it that way. He did institute a "no interruption" rule, so that I was able to talk unhindered. It was hard even that way. I could feel my XH staring at me and I shook a good part of the time. I was able to bring up drinking, anger problems, lack of interest/care in DD, mental instability. Then he brought up my supposed multiple suicide attempts, my dancing, and the fact that he's no longer struggling with anger because I'm not there anymore; he claims that it was because *I* was constantly ignoring him and disrespecting him that he was angry. Blame me for everything why don't you? In any case, this issue wasn't resolve this time around, and I still don't know what to do about it...
The mediator did his best to keep XH on track and I forced myself to focus on DD and her needs.
The only "progress" we made was that XH agreed not to drink alcohol in the 12 hours preceeding the visit, and not to have any in his apartment. He agreed that I could search his place top to bottom, but frankly, I don't want that responsibility. It reminds me too much of being with him, sneaking around, looking for clues of his dishonesty. I brought up this fact with the mediator and he responded that even if we were to go to court, the judge could only order the same sort of thing and that it couldn't be verified whether or not XH complied, unless I had amassed evidence to the contrary. Since XH is a functional alcoholic, or maybe just a heavy drinker, there is no papertrail or legal evidence of his alcohol abuse, so I'm stuck dancing around the law, with my child as an innocent pawn.
So, it feels like there's some progress and yet I'm still feeling leary of XH. I want him to see DD, but I'm having trouble believing anything he says or does.
We've been able to agree to a trial visit this Sunday, where I'll inspect the apartment and then leave XH alone with DD for 60 minutes and then return to supervise the rest of the time. Again, I brought up my unease about this with the mediator and his response was that since I'd already left DD with XH in the past for this same amount of time, there's a precedent and that I need to make a compromise or at least try things out before refusing.
I think I'll actually be sitting at the coffee shop a block away the entire time...I'm less than happy with this, but I know that going to court will involve a lot of character assassination on both sides, and we may very well end up with the same sort of arrangement that we have right now (so believes our lawyer mediator).
The only thing that occurs to me is that if I do not serve him with custody papers, I won't have any more legal rights to DD than XH, and should he behave erratically and take her somewhere without my consent, I won't have any legal recourse unless I have him served with an emergency order of protection, but then again, I have no guarantee that it'll be given, since XH has begun behaving like Super Dad in preparation for anything of the sort.
Ugh my brain is mush today.
L2L...I think I'm going to go buy myself a nice journal at lunch to resume my journaling.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
When I am dealing with such important and emotionally charged issues I try to set aside the what if's and do the best that I can with what I have. I like to think of a fairly harsh example:
If I were pinned down by machine gun fire and knew that if I charged the machine gun I have a 50% chance of living and if I stay put I have 100% chance of dying, I charge the machine gun! Many of our issues with these crazies and with the legal system have no assurance of victory. I have found it is best for me to lay out the most logical course of action and then grit my teeth and follow it, trying to ignore my emotions all along the way. I know then that I have done the best that I can do.
Most of the time when I approach my problems this way, I find that God intercedes and works things out way better than I could have imagined. Prayer is a powerful thing; it works, but not always the way I would have liked.
I think you did very well by doing what is right for your DD and trying to ignore your fear of XAH's response. It is also worth noting that mediators and judges are not fools. They see through the games that XAH is playing. They know that he is not Super Dad.
I don't know if this rambling mess makes any sense but I hope that it did.
You are in my prayers.
Good luck.
If I were pinned down by machine gun fire and knew that if I charged the machine gun I have a 50% chance of living and if I stay put I have 100% chance of dying, I charge the machine gun! Many of our issues with these crazies and with the legal system have no assurance of victory. I have found it is best for me to lay out the most logical course of action and then grit my teeth and follow it, trying to ignore my emotions all along the way. I know then that I have done the best that I can do.
Most of the time when I approach my problems this way, I find that God intercedes and works things out way better than I could have imagined. Prayer is a powerful thing; it works, but not always the way I would have liked.
I think you did very well by doing what is right for your DD and trying to ignore your fear of XAH's response. It is also worth noting that mediators and judges are not fools. They see through the games that XAH is playing. They know that he is not Super Dad.
I don't know if this rambling mess makes any sense but I hope that it did.
You are in my prayers.
Good luck.
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