I said NO for Thanksgiving
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I said NO for Thanksgiving
My older son called me tonight to see "if I was cooking" tomorrow. He'd decided he was going to come for dinner. I hadn't invited him.
A bit of history... briefly... he's a full-fledged alcoholic - very much a carbon copy of his father. He's hateful towards me much of the time - UNLESS there is something he wants me to do for him... then he's as friendly as he can be.
Through our divorce, he sided with his father... which was surprising to me, as he was the recipient of much of the abuse his father spewed during his teenage years. He hated his dad. Now they are close.
I actually think he hates me, as I always made him accountable for his actions. I had high expectations for him, and was firm with him when he was a teen. He was smart, a good student, had a bright future... but he got involved with the wrong crowd, drugs and drinking and all that good went away. I can't say how many times in the last 5-6 years I've warned him of his life choices... drinking, drunken driving. I've told him how much potential he has, offered to help him get into school - he has no education beyond HS. No regular job, no future. It all falls on deaf ears. I let it go.
The last time my son visited, he arrived drunk. He came to ride his 4-wheeler, and I told him NO. I took the keys, and told him he was in no condition to operate any vehicle, and I didn't want him to get hurt. He became enraged and called the police and said he wanted them to arrest me for confiscating his property! LOL! They realized he was drunk and gave him a ride home. Since then, we've had a few phone conversations - but they have all very strained.
What it all boils down for me is: I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of dealing with alcoholism. I spent the last 20+ Thanksgiving Days with a drunk. I don't want anymore of it from anyone ... even my own son! So, I said NO Thanks.
I'm not feeling guilty about it. I don't want my day spoiled. Honestly, I don't like my son. I'm ashamed of him. I feel anxious when he is around. Odd to say, but he is not someone I'd care to have as a friend. I don't like the person he is - what he has turned into. Not only the drinking, but the attitude, the lack of morals, the filthy language, the rebellious attitude. He's just "ICK".
I'm going to have a few friends come up to have dinner, and my younger son (who is OK with not having his brother here) and enjoy my day off!
A bit of history... briefly... he's a full-fledged alcoholic - very much a carbon copy of his father. He's hateful towards me much of the time - UNLESS there is something he wants me to do for him... then he's as friendly as he can be.
Through our divorce, he sided with his father... which was surprising to me, as he was the recipient of much of the abuse his father spewed during his teenage years. He hated his dad. Now they are close.
I actually think he hates me, as I always made him accountable for his actions. I had high expectations for him, and was firm with him when he was a teen. He was smart, a good student, had a bright future... but he got involved with the wrong crowd, drugs and drinking and all that good went away. I can't say how many times in the last 5-6 years I've warned him of his life choices... drinking, drunken driving. I've told him how much potential he has, offered to help him get into school - he has no education beyond HS. No regular job, no future. It all falls on deaf ears. I let it go.
The last time my son visited, he arrived drunk. He came to ride his 4-wheeler, and I told him NO. I took the keys, and told him he was in no condition to operate any vehicle, and I didn't want him to get hurt. He became enraged and called the police and said he wanted them to arrest me for confiscating his property! LOL! They realized he was drunk and gave him a ride home. Since then, we've had a few phone conversations - but they have all very strained.
What it all boils down for me is: I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of dealing with alcoholism. I spent the last 20+ Thanksgiving Days with a drunk. I don't want anymore of it from anyone ... even my own son! So, I said NO Thanks.
I'm not feeling guilty about it. I don't want my day spoiled. Honestly, I don't like my son. I'm ashamed of him. I feel anxious when he is around. Odd to say, but he is not someone I'd care to have as a friend. I don't like the person he is - what he has turned into. Not only the drinking, but the attitude, the lack of morals, the filthy language, the rebellious attitude. He's just "ICK".
I'm going to have a few friends come up to have dinner, and my younger son (who is OK with not having his brother here) and enjoy my day off!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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No doubt you already had a turkey, and did not need a human one gobbling around you.
Hard to really be thankful when you feel as you do about him, and he is there.
I hope you have a wonderful day with those who you want and may you have loads to "give thanks" for, by the time next Thanksgiving rolls round.
God bless
Hard to really be thankful when you feel as you do about him, and he is there.
I hope you have a wonderful day with those who you want and may you have loads to "give thanks" for, by the time next Thanksgiving rolls round.
God bless
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
Isurvived, you are really something! I have so much admiration for you.
I have a troubled adult child. It is so painful to deal with her. I don't want to be around her because it causes me so much pain and I cannot help her. I know that I have tried everything and I NO LONGER HAVE ANY GUILT!
I am so glad that you are spending your holiday with people that you enjoy. You decision is an inspriration to me and strengthens my resolve to take care of myself and not get sucked into the vortex of other peoples insanity.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!
I have a troubled adult child. It is so painful to deal with her. I don't want to be around her because it causes me so much pain and I cannot help her. I know that I have tried everything and I NO LONGER HAVE ANY GUILT!
I am so glad that you are spending your holiday with people that you enjoy. You decision is an inspriration to me and strengthens my resolve to take care of myself and not get sucked into the vortex of other peoples insanity.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!
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Join Date: May 2009
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isurvived - I'm so happy for you that you were able to stand up for yourself that way. You ARE an inspiration for those of us struggling with our boundaries and feelings of guilt.
Just curious (if you care to share) - what exactly did you say to him? ...and what was his response?
Just curious (if you care to share) - what exactly did you say to him? ...and what was his response?
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Location: Land of Cotton
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The story of the Prodigal Son:
Sorry -- I don't see the similarity.
Jesus tells the story of a man who has two sons. The younger demands his share of his inheritance while his father is still living, and goes off to a distant country where he "waste[s] his substance with riotous living" and eventually has to take work as a swineherd (clearly a low point, as swine are unclean in Judaism). There he comes to his senses and decides to return home and throw himself on his father's mercy, thinking that even if his father does disown him, being one of his servants is still far better than feeding pigs.
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I stewed about this for some time last evening... thinking and rehashing my decision. I was also anxious to log on and see what others thought. Some of you might regard my actions as selfish or unforgiving.
Let me say that I do love my son. He is my flesh and blood. I love that little boy that would sit in my lap while I read him stories, the kid I played practice catch with in the front yard while his dad was passed out on the sofa. The man he has turned into I don't LIKE. He's not someone I want to be around.
When he called, he said "I'm calling to see if you are cooking tomorrow, I'd show up".
Thoughts ran through my mind of him showing up with a six pack of beer, reeking of drinking from the night before. Thoughts of him looking like hell, disheveled... thoughts of listening to his conversation where every other word is "F". It gave me a sour feeling. Dread.
I said to him "I hadn't really anticipated you joining me for Thanksgiving, and have invited some friends up for dinner, and given our strained relationship - I'll pass."
To which he studdered, and then said "F" you too!
Let me say that I do love my son. He is my flesh and blood. I love that little boy that would sit in my lap while I read him stories, the kid I played practice catch with in the front yard while his dad was passed out on the sofa. The man he has turned into I don't LIKE. He's not someone I want to be around.
When he called, he said "I'm calling to see if you are cooking tomorrow, I'd show up".
Thoughts ran through my mind of him showing up with a six pack of beer, reeking of drinking from the night before. Thoughts of him looking like hell, disheveled... thoughts of listening to his conversation where every other word is "F". It gave me a sour feeling. Dread.
I said to him "I hadn't really anticipated you joining me for Thanksgiving, and have invited some friends up for dinner, and given our strained relationship - I'll pass."
To which he studdered, and then said "F" you too!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Would have been nice if he'd called and invited you to his Thanksgiving dinner no? That's what "normal" adult children do.
Good for you isurvived, I hope you have a lovely, serene, and sane Thanksgiving!
Good for you isurvived, I hope you have a lovely, serene, and sane Thanksgiving!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by isurvived 
I stewed about this for some time last evening... thinking and rehashing my decision. I was also anxious to log on and see what others thought. Some of you might regard my actions as selfish or unforgiving.
Let me say that I do love my son. He is my flesh and blood. I love that little boy that would sit in my lap while I read him stories, the kid I played practice catch with in the front yard while his dad was passed out on the sofa. The man he has turned into I don't LIKE. He's not someone I want to be around.
When he called, he said "I'm calling to see if you are cooking tomorrow, I'd show up".
Thoughts ran through my mind of him showing up with a six pack of beer, reeking of drinking from the night before. Thoughts of him looking like hell, disheveled... thoughts of listening to his conversation where every other word is "F". It gave me a sour feeling. Dread.
I said to him "I hadn't really anticipated you joining me for Thanksgiving, and have invited some friends up for dinner, and given our strained relationship - I'll pass."
To which he studdered, and then said "F" you too!
Let me say that I do love my son. He is my flesh and blood. I love that little boy that would sit in my lap while I read him stories, the kid I played practice catch with in the front yard while his dad was passed out on the sofa. The man he has turned into I don't LIKE. He's not someone I want to be around.
When he called, he said "I'm calling to see if you are cooking tomorrow, I'd show up".
Thoughts ran through my mind of him showing up with a six pack of beer, reeking of drinking from the night before. Thoughts of him looking like hell, disheveled... thoughts of listening to his conversation where every other word is "F". It gave me a sour feeling. Dread.
I said to him "I hadn't really anticipated you joining me for Thanksgiving, and have invited some friends up for dinner, and given our strained relationship - I'll pass."
To which he studdered, and then said "F" you too!
We love our children and will always love them. I have trouble with both a child and a wife. For me, it is easier to detatch from the wife than the child. As you so well stated, they are our flesh and blood. The joys of the times with them when they were small and happy are not forgotten.
It is completely inappropriate and unacceptable for a son to speak to his mother the way he ended the conversation with you. You need have no guilt for your decision, particularly with someone who speaks to you in this manner.
I have recently had several days out of town and away from my wife. I have had significant hours of clarity. Things that she has said to me come to mind. I realize that I block these things out because they are so painful that I cannot stand to remember them. I have healed enough that I now need to remember them and recognize them for what they are: complete insanity and way, way over my boundaries.
All of us in recovery need to recognize and face when these people are over the line. Saying F*** you to your mother is way, way over the line.
As I stated in a previous post, you are an inspiration to me!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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IMHO the prodigal son story is about how one son can be the "perfect" son, and how another one can be angry, sad, resentful, agressive, etc. and both are loved by their father the same way. I thought it was an analogy of how God sees every human being regardless of their acts... many times driven by the ego and not the heart...
Anyway I am glad you protected your boundary!!! Well done. Have a good time!
Anyway I am glad you protected your boundary!!! Well done. Have a good time!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Posts: 457
Thanks for all of the supportive feedback.
I, like many of you, find myself such a softie when it comes to these things. I could have just swallowed hard and said "sure, join us" for dinner.
However, I seemed to have gained strength and determination since making the decision to divorce my AH - and actually going through with it after so many unhappy years of existence in my failed marriage. That determination of not wanting to be subject to further experiences like those I found so heartbreaking - seems to be staying strong. Good to have under my belt I know. My son of course assumed I would put up with more of it - he grew up in that environment, so it is no wonder why he sees it as acceptable. As for his language, I find it deplorable. I know that word is common language these days - but I refuse to hear it... and when he said it to me last night as his response to my "un-invite" - it gave me resolve.
To all of you, I say "Happy Thanksgiving"!!!!!!!! May you all find some things in your life to be grateful for today, even if it's just a well-done turkey.
I'm off to put mine in the oven. :ghug3
I, like many of you, find myself such a softie when it comes to these things. I could have just swallowed hard and said "sure, join us" for dinner.
However, I seemed to have gained strength and determination since making the decision to divorce my AH - and actually going through with it after so many unhappy years of existence in my failed marriage. That determination of not wanting to be subject to further experiences like those I found so heartbreaking - seems to be staying strong. Good to have under my belt I know. My son of course assumed I would put up with more of it - he grew up in that environment, so it is no wonder why he sees it as acceptable. As for his language, I find it deplorable. I know that word is common language these days - but I refuse to hear it... and when he said it to me last night as his response to my "un-invite" - it gave me resolve.
To all of you, I say "Happy Thanksgiving"!!!!!!!! May you all find some things in your life to be grateful for today, even if it's just a well-done turkey.
I'm off to put mine in the oven. :ghug3
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