Is he narcissistic?
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Is he narcissistic?
Just curious, do you notice narcissistic qualities in the alcoholic in your life when he/she is sober?
Here are some traits - cited from wikipedia:
Narcissistic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
Here are some traits - cited from wikipedia:
Narcissistic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
- has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
- is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
- requires excessive admiration
- has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
- is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
- lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
- is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
- shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Gosh, I don't even know what mine was....
one minute he would talk himself up about all of his achievements in the military, and how well he is doing at work, how smart and ambitious he was....
and the next minute, tell me how worthless he felt, that he wants to die alone on a ranch somewhere....
Who knows!!!
one minute he would talk himself up about all of his achievements in the military, and how well he is doing at work, how smart and ambitious he was....
and the next minute, tell me how worthless he felt, that he wants to die alone on a ranch somewhere....
Who knows!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
with mine, he was either the king of the world or he hated himself. up and down. like a yo yo.
first 4 drinks - king of the world, god's gift to women, superman with herculean strength and ability. loved nothing more than to talk about himself, flatter himself, compliment himself.
4 drinks-stupor - seemed to get over himself at this point, a bit dull, like a piece of furniture
next morning - depressed, suicidal, remorse, grief, self-hate
first 4 drinks - here we go again. king of the world...
and repeat.
first 4 drinks - king of the world, god's gift to women, superman with herculean strength and ability. loved nothing more than to talk about himself, flatter himself, compliment himself.
4 drinks-stupor - seemed to get over himself at this point, a bit dull, like a piece of furniture
next morning - depressed, suicidal, remorse, grief, self-hate
first 4 drinks - here we go again. king of the world...
and repeat.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
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Mine hits every, single one. I keep reading stories about other peoples' alcoholics and, as so many have said, it's as though they're reading from the same script. Amazing! And they think they're special. HA!
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Location: NYC
Posts: 132
Oh yes. Classic narcissist. In couples therapy telling me flat out that I was inferior and that he had no empathy. Boasting to the therapist about his work to impress her. Telling me that a big problem in our relationship was his "unrelenting standards", i.e., if only he could lower himself to be with me.
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Originally Posted by Kittyboo 
Gosh, I don't even know what mine was....
one minute he would talk himself up about all of his achievements in the military, and how well he is doing at work, how smart and ambitious he was....
and the next minute, tell me how worthless he felt, that he wants to die alone on a ranch somewhere....
Who knows!!!
one minute he would talk himself up about all of his achievements in the military, and how well he is doing at work, how smart and ambitious he was....
and the next minute, tell me how worthless he felt, that he wants to die alone on a ranch somewhere....
Who knows!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
Yes that is true...my narcissistic bf would vacillate between self-hate and grandiosity. He would also project his self-hate onto me so I had to "take it on" for him to feel better -- criticizing or insulting me, or ordering me around until I finally told him, "yes, you are right, I am a terrible person."
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Absolutely. I have read a lot about this type of personality and in all I have read I have not come up with a healthy answer on how to deal with the issue as the SO. I do have a very close family member who I grew up with who displays the same exact behavior (wonder why I was attracted to my A...??) and since entering recovery I have emotionally unplugged from this person, do not let him put me down, and call him on his behavior immediately. I am not mean but set clear boundaries on what I will accept. It has seemed to help, but he is not my SO so it is a little easier.
I want to offer support, give compliments where necessary, and make them feel valued but there is no room between their own grandstanding. There is fear around telling them they have done well as I don't want to feed the beast. My experience with it was that every single move, every single action of every day is driven by "look how good I am". I can't imagine how exhausting that is and how disappointing it is when you actually look at your life and see that it isn't really true. You are just human and living life daily like the rest of us. I have never seen my family member have those moments but when my A was feeling down, vulnerable, and not like superman it was devastating . . . to the point of discussions of suicide. I can't imagine the pain and lack of self confidence that drives this type of behavior. The highs and lows were so acute.
In my experience and the research I have done I can find no way to introduce the concepts of humility, compassion, or empathy into their lives. It is up to them . . . just as so many other things in life are. We can only take care of ourselves.
True
I want to offer support, give compliments where necessary, and make them feel valued but there is no room between their own grandstanding. There is fear around telling them they have done well as I don't want to feed the beast. My experience with it was that every single move, every single action of every day is driven by "look how good I am". I can't imagine how exhausting that is and how disappointing it is when you actually look at your life and see that it isn't really true. You are just human and living life daily like the rest of us. I have never seen my family member have those moments but when my A was feeling down, vulnerable, and not like superman it was devastating . . . to the point of discussions of suicide. I can't imagine the pain and lack of self confidence that drives this type of behavior. The highs and lows were so acute.
In my experience and the research I have done I can find no way to introduce the concepts of humility, compassion, or empathy into their lives. It is up to them . . . just as so many other things in life are. We can only take care of ourselves.
True
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Originally Posted by soberinwpg
My counsellor told me I was narcissistic and it goes both ways. Grand thought of self and terrrible thoughts of self. Basically.....SELF
Originally Posted by True
I want to offer support, give compliments where necessary, and make them feel valued but there is no room between their own grandstanding. There is fear around telling them they have done well as I don't want to feed the beast. My experience with it was that every single move, every single action of every day is driven by "look how good I am". I can't imagine how exhausting that is and how disappointing it is when you actually look at your life and see that it isn't really true. You are just human and living life daily like the rest of us. I have never seen my family member have those moments but when my A was feeling down, vulnerable, and not like superman it was devastating . . . to the point of discussions of suicide. I can't imagine the pain and lack of self confidence that drives this type of behavior. The highs and lows were so acute.
In my experience and the research I have done I can find no way to introduce the concepts of humility, compassion, or empathy into their lives. It is up to them . . . just as so many other things in life are. We can only take care of ourselves.
True
In my experience and the research I have done I can find no way to introduce the concepts of humility, compassion, or empathy into their lives. It is up to them . . . just as so many other things in life are. We can only take care of ourselves.
True
So my view on what happened now is that by doing something nice for him I confirmed his sense of entitlement (which is really a flip side of self-hatred) and he acted out. And. I'm done.
As you said, even with self-knowledge unless the npd wants to change for himself, he won't. It's pointless to try to make it happen, and I know for me personally I would drive myself nuts trying to understand what kind of a person...the reality is they are not like the rest of us.
Sad.
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Yep. Definitely.
XAH believes that he and his son are of a new breed of humans, "better than humans". He often talks about remembering doing superhuman things, like supposedly killing 4 men while in jail and not knowing how it happened, or supposedly crawling from the place where he fell while hiking all the way to a road, even though his body was totally broken...These may well be fantasies that he has imagined, because I've recently discovered that the entire life story he told me about himself is mostly all untrue. XAH also thinks that he and his son heal faster due to their superior genes. He includes our daughter in his New Breed of humans, but I, unfortunately, am still of the "flawed" kind of human. Lucky me. He often spouts off about the "filthy humans" and how the human race deserves to be killed off because it is disgusting and has no standards of behavior. Also, he doesn't talk about this often but he believes that there is some kind of apocalypse coming in 14 year or something and that his son will lead the human race into a new era.
He has told me murky fantasies about beings/aliens who came take him at night to examine him (he explains this by the presence of bruises on his upper arm). This fantasy extends further in that "They" want something of him, and that he is special somehow, either because of his "powers" or because of his role in fostering/educating the new savior of humanity (aka his son). All this stuff is very hush hush and XAH is almost embarassed when I bring it up. He's also told me not to mention his, his son's and our daughter's "specialness" because other people might find out what they really are and persecute them...
Also, XAH believes that the company where he works totally and completely underappreciates him. He complains about it daily. He says that if it weren't for him, they'd be goners. He has done X for them, and he managed Y for them, and they can't even pay him properly...This is a regular diatribe of his that once begun cannot be stopped. It usually ends with recriminations about the Jews, the Germans, the French, etc etc.
XAH would also regularly tell me how little I appreciate him and that I should start doing so (i.e. give him more oral sex and be more horny all around). He tells his son the same thing "I do x, y, and z for you, so you should appreciate me". I've heard his son parroting the rhetoric back to me sometimes.
When in groups, XAH generally LOVES to talk about himself, his adventures and his take on life, the universe, everything. He takes over conversations and doesn't leave any room for others to talk. He always has to have the last word, which explains the constant emailing, texting and phone calls.
Regarding the lack of empathy, XAH believes that he has been a victim of EVERYONE he has encountered in life, and thus THE ENTIRE WORLD owes him somehow. Every friend he has had, has somehow hurt him or broken his Completely Unattainable Moral Code, so he really only has a few friends whom he puts on pedestals high above anyone else in his life. And, not surprisingly, he has a ridiculously LOW opinion of women because he has always been hurt by them. If we were watching a tv show where a woman was unfaithful, he would start spouting about how women are just horrible creatures and how men are always unfairly treated or portrayed by society, yadda yadda yadda...
Phew, I forgot how exhausting it was to deal with him!
XAH believes that he and his son are of a new breed of humans, "better than humans". He often talks about remembering doing superhuman things, like supposedly killing 4 men while in jail and not knowing how it happened, or supposedly crawling from the place where he fell while hiking all the way to a road, even though his body was totally broken...These may well be fantasies that he has imagined, because I've recently discovered that the entire life story he told me about himself is mostly all untrue. XAH also thinks that he and his son heal faster due to their superior genes. He includes our daughter in his New Breed of humans, but I, unfortunately, am still of the "flawed" kind of human. Lucky me. He often spouts off about the "filthy humans" and how the human race deserves to be killed off because it is disgusting and has no standards of behavior. Also, he doesn't talk about this often but he believes that there is some kind of apocalypse coming in 14 year or something and that his son will lead the human race into a new era.
He has told me murky fantasies about beings/aliens who came take him at night to examine him (he explains this by the presence of bruises on his upper arm). This fantasy extends further in that "They" want something of him, and that he is special somehow, either because of his "powers" or because of his role in fostering/educating the new savior of humanity (aka his son). All this stuff is very hush hush and XAH is almost embarassed when I bring it up. He's also told me not to mention his, his son's and our daughter's "specialness" because other people might find out what they really are and persecute them...
Also, XAH believes that the company where he works totally and completely underappreciates him. He complains about it daily. He says that if it weren't for him, they'd be goners. He has done X for them, and he managed Y for them, and they can't even pay him properly...This is a regular diatribe of his that once begun cannot be stopped. It usually ends with recriminations about the Jews, the Germans, the French, etc etc.
XAH would also regularly tell me how little I appreciate him and that I should start doing so (i.e. give him more oral sex and be more horny all around). He tells his son the same thing "I do x, y, and z for you, so you should appreciate me". I've heard his son parroting the rhetoric back to me sometimes.
When in groups, XAH generally LOVES to talk about himself, his adventures and his take on life, the universe, everything. He takes over conversations and doesn't leave any room for others to talk. He always has to have the last word, which explains the constant emailing, texting and phone calls.
Regarding the lack of empathy, XAH believes that he has been a victim of EVERYONE he has encountered in life, and thus THE ENTIRE WORLD owes him somehow. Every friend he has had, has somehow hurt him or broken his Completely Unattainable Moral Code, so he really only has a few friends whom he puts on pedestals high above anyone else in his life. And, not surprisingly, he has a ridiculously LOW opinion of women because he has always been hurt by them. If we were watching a tv show where a woman was unfaithful, he would start spouting about how women are just horrible creatures and how men are always unfairly treated or portrayed by society, yadda yadda yadda...
Phew, I forgot how exhausting it was to deal with him!
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This is the complete, and absolute definition of my ex AH. He's far too intellectually superior for those idiots in AA and they have nothing to offer him because he's so high up on the intellectual scale, no one can ever understand him. blah blah blahdy blah.
I am ever so thankful that I have broken free of my obsession to try and make him humble or fix him.
I am ever so thankful that I have broken free of my obsession to try and make him humble or fix him.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Yes, alcoholics. And addicts to a worse degree.
Please understand, though, that what you are reading on the internet are diagnostic criteria for a specific MENTAL ILLNESS. The alcoholic and the addict can take on or exhibit these characteristics, but do not assume that the alcoholic or addict necessarily HAS this disorder. Many folks, when they get clean and sober and work a program, lose these characteristics over time. In some folks, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an UNDERLYING mental illness and, even if they get clean and sober, the disorder is still there and would "need" to be treated.
Please understand, though, that what you are reading on the internet are diagnostic criteria for a specific MENTAL ILLNESS. The alcoholic and the addict can take on or exhibit these characteristics, but do not assume that the alcoholic or addict necessarily HAS this disorder. Many folks, when they get clean and sober and work a program, lose these characteristics over time. In some folks, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an UNDERLYING mental illness and, even if they get clean and sober, the disorder is still there and would "need" to be treated.
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Originally Posted by hmbld
This is the complete, and absolute definition of my ex AH. He's far too intellectually superior for those idiots in AA and they have nothing to offer him because he's so high up on the intellectual scale, no one can ever understand him. blah blah blahdy blah.
I am ever so thankful that I have broken free of my obsession to try and make him humble or fix him.
I am ever so thankful that I have broken free of my obsession to try and make him humble or fix him.
My obsession was more in trying to figure him out -- so that I could manage to be in it despite this behavior (I realized pretty quickly he wasn't going to change). Today, I am FREE!!!!!!!!
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My A is so far gone into his own ego. I am quite sure he is stricken with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
These people have it doubly bad, since they are better than any mental health care professional, any guru, (any god,in my As case) who might be able to help them...
I guess you cant even say they are "suffering" from the disease, though, because they are, after all, always right, and the center of the universe, LOL...wahoo, that must be awesome....groan...
These people have it doubly bad, since they are better than any mental health care professional, any guru, (any god,in my As case) who might be able to help them...
I guess you cant even say they are "suffering" from the disease, though, because they are, after all, always right, and the center of the universe, LOL...wahoo, that must be awesome....groan...
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My father has NPD - but he is definitely not an alcoholic.
Another thing I found common here is that my XA would also look down apon AA....
And I quote him " I am not like THOSE people.....they are depressing. I can control it."
OK!
Another thing I found common here is that my XA would also look down apon AA....
And I quote him " I am not like THOSE people.....they are depressing. I can control it."
OK!
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