Desperately seeking help
 

Ok I moved in with my fiance after six months of dating. I am miserable, if I only knew how bad his drinking was I never would have done it. He is a binge drinker and he will binge for days at a time, well like 2 days. Then he stops, feels sorry, says he won't do it again, and the whole cycle starts next week. I never met his family until now and I found out he has been hospitalized for this 3 times. He gets violent, mean and uncontrollable. He also does not remember what happened the next morning. These are a few things I have done to try to change this:

1. Avoid all situations that involve alcohol. Bars, pool halls, BBQ's, and cut off his alcoholic friends..i.e. the "party people".

2. Keep all our money... that doesn't work, he will pawn something or get credit at the liquor store.

3. Try to get him in the hospital... as soon as he gets sober he cons his way out somehow.

4. Leave him. But I come back, what a surprise.

5. Pour out the alcohol..then I just get called names.

6. Beg and plead... I know but I'm running out of ideas.

7. Got him on psychiatric meds.:sad:

This has gotten so bad that I cannot see my son anymore because of this not from him). I guess this makes me a bad mother but I love him and want to get him help. Plus we have invested into a house, and finances. If I leave I face the possibility of having my name ruined because everything will go down hill. I guess maybe I am also codependent because I left an abusive relationship of 7 years, and I have NO family alive whatsoever so I'm kinda scared to move on. Any suggestions? And criticism is OK, but PLEASE nothing negative I cannot handle that right now.

Welcome

The three C's are
we didn't cause it
We can't cure it
We can't control it

This behavior of his is a simple matter of what you see is what you get, either stay and accept him and all of his behaviors as they are including wrecking your credit or move out

It's really that simple, I am so very sorry

If you're a codie, raise your hand
 

My hand's WAY up.

First off, welcome to SR! I'm very glad you're here. The people you will find here are awesome and truly supportive. This place and its "inhabitants" are what helped me leave my alcoholic husband.

Second, I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult experience.

Third, when it comes to dealing with someone's addiction, remember the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.

Fourth, your list seems to focus almost totally on HIM and what he does/says. Turn that focus around on YOU: how are you? what are you feeling? what makes you happy?

Again, I'm glad you've found this place. Keep posting!

......deleted because I'm being an insensitive jerk today.... I need more sleep. Sorry.

The only bit of criticism I may have is the part about your son. Are you saying that because you stay with this man, you have had to give up custody and/or visitation rights with your son? Because that seems like an awfully high price to pay for the kind of relationship you're currently experiencing with this man. I think you truly know that your relationship is not a good one, and from what you've said, it's not and it's bound to get worse. If your bf does not begin to recover from his alcoholism, it WILL get worse. Sorry if that sounds negative, but everyone around here can tell you, it's the truth. Now here's the OTHER bad news--nothing, and I do mean nothing, that YOU do will change HIS behavior. So, the only option you have is to begin to seek recovery for yourself, and that way, if things don't change, you may gain the strength to leave. Listen to the wisdom of the women and men around here--they truly mean to help, and have walked in your shoes. I will also say that I am very sorry that you find yourself in this situation--it is terrible, and it does hurt. I am sorry for your pain.

welcome ashnicole-

i totally relate, as the same thing happened to me. relationship was fine until i moved in. then he couldn't hide his drinking anymore. i really had no idea how extreme it was.

from what you've said, the good news is you didn't marry him yet!

read around here. you will learn a lot. i needed to educate myself first about alcoholism before i saw the patterns clearly.

you say he is violent. care to expand on that? are you in danger?

navie

Hey there, I bought a house w/ my AH as well, and I think one of the reasons I put up with his behavior and drinking for so long was because I kept hoping he would eventually come through on his promises and help dig us out of the hole of huge debt he'd been getting us into.

It NEVER happened! I don't believe it will, and even if he could it would be a long shot now. You may have a house with him and that could cause problems but if you are joint on the home and are tennents in common or whatever it is, I believe you can force the sale of the house with a court order-- I may be wrong here.

Everyone is different, but from the sound of your posting it seems like things are pretty bad with him already. There's a lot of good information on the boards about being codependent, and going to Al-Anon and individual therapy has helped a lot of people here, including myself.

The good news is you have plenty of support on boards like these and if you attend group therapy you will find support there as well, because not everyone is lucky enough to have a lot of family or friends to fall back on, particularly after going through things like this.

Good luck!

I swear, these guys target women without families. Or is it that those of us without families are just more vulnerable to making bad choices when it comes to mates? Perhaps it's a combination of the two.

Good luck. The meds may help. But, I went through seveal years of finding the right medicine for my AH. They would work for awhile. But, several had odd side effects. And he didn't quit drinking. Finally figured out that he may have depression, but for him he is better without the meds.When he doesn't drink he is a much happier person. But, he can't give it up. I am working on myself and I don't feel sorry for him anymore when he is "sick" after a drinking binge. I don't bother calling him out about his behavior right now. It doesn't matter. All that matters is trying to make my way out of the situation and making sure my kids are okay. He isn't worth the effort to fight with. Take care of yourself, read the messages. I wish I had found this forum earlier. It has helped me so much.

Your are going to drain yourself if you use your energy on him. Seems you are so focused on him that everything else around you is a blur. You deserve to be happy. Does he want to quit? An alcoholic will always drink until he is ready to stop himself. Remember people here are not to judge you but support you. Being so co-dependant really is a hard place. I will pray for you.

Welcome!!!

No criticism, just read a bit here, you'll see your story told by someone else.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

You have family, a son.

You will drive yourself into an early grave trying to save him. Take the financial hit and get away from this toxic person. It is not worth it to stay and your son no doubt needs you more than this abusive alcoholic.

Ashnicole,

Welcome to SR.

You´ve got some excellent advice from the caring people here, so mine is probably not going to make much difference.

This is a difficult situation, one I have experienced myself, plus I voluntered at a women´s Center in London while living there for a while.

You listed several reasons why you cannot help him. Those reasons are classical and you´re not alone. The truth of the matter, in my experience, is that you cannot change him. You can only change yourself and thus influence how other people behave towards you. There are excellent self-help books on the subject and if you want to know more, you can PM me.

I would start by taking the focus off him and focus on yourself and your son. You probably need to. Build up your own strength and grow strong, then decide what you can do about the other more complex bits of the matter, like your finances and support system you obviously need to consider.

Be kind to yourself. Breathe and take it one day at a time, when needed, one hour at a time. But remember, the only person you can really work with in this situation is yourself.

Love and light,

The best advice anyone gave me was "You can't reason with an unreasonable person." That helped me so much. I no longer had to defend my position on things. It freed me and helped me step back emotionally.