Holiday Survival Thread

Old 11-25-2009, 06:27 AM
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Holiday Survival Thread

We are coming up on the holiday season, and I know it can be stressful for many of us, even those who have recovery and sobriety in their lives. Family dynamics are always interesting, and sometimes it can be very difficult, or downright door slamming, gut wrenching sobbing horrible.

I thought it might be good for us to share some survival strategies: things we can do to make sure we take care of ourselves, respect our boundaries, and enjoy our time.

For me, one of my biggest adjustments was to toss out all of my expectations and preconceived ideas about how the holidays SHOULD be. I grew up with this idea of a Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving and Christmas, with all of the relatives gathered around the table, etc etc. It's no wonder I was often disappointed!

Here's what I know today:

** I need to stop being a mind reader. If I want to know something, I ask. If I'm not sure what to bring ? I ask. And then? I take what is said as fact and disregard any innuendo that I might "hear" along with it. If I start to get into someone else's head and figure out what she meant? I catch myself, switch gears and say the serenity prayer.

** I try to find something nice to say to each person who's there.

** I think before I speak. I don't need to engage in any snippy dialogue. I use the big 5 a lot : Oh? Wow. Really? Huh. You don't say. (and my friend Hangin's addition: How 'bout that?)

** There were times when I had a recovery friend lined up. Someone I could call when things got dicey or ugly... just knowing I could reach out and talk to someone calm and sane often made the difference in my moods and reactions.

** Shortly after my divorce, I realized that all of my old traditions were going to change. I had some sadness and regret, but then I put my energies into planning some new things, new activities, and the opportunity to create new traditions and memories with my kids. You know what? We had a blast and still do some of those things years later.

So, what are your ideas for making this a happier and healthier holiday season?
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Old 11-25-2009, 06:58 AM
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Thanks Cats. This is a much needed thread not just at this time of the year, but all year long. I'm already feeling the holiday stress; mostly due to my husband's medical situations. That's all the more reason for me to stand firm and not allow my joy to be diminished.

One thing that stands out to me is that on this upcoming holiday season, or on any other day that is designated as 'special'...I try to remember that it's just another day with a label on it. It's just another Monday...Tuesday, or Saturday. Once I do that, in my mind, all the negative power associated with it is removed.

It's often just too much to even fit into a week or month's worth of normal personal interaction or activity, all crammed into just one day. It's an impossible task and no small wonder why there are so many family squabbles and misunderstandings...and I say all that without even adding in all the dynamics of alcholism, addiction or codependency.

I'm also a firm believer that I cannot rightfully say I'm having a 'holiday' if I allow it to only produce anxiety and fatigue. It's like having a stressful vacation...which is an oxymoron.

So this year, as in years past; my goal is to make the most of the good and simple things, enjoy what _is_ and to appreciate what I have. While keeping a sharp eye out for all the triggers and trapdoors; I want to keep a balanced and realistic attitude about the holidays.

Keep it simple, make it safe & serene. Have fun.
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Old 11-25-2009, 07:08 AM
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This will likely be my first holiday season w/o my AH as my house is a war zone. As much as I would love to have him the H*LL out of our house, I can't. If I could, I'd be putting my energy into decorating festively, keeping the house nice and clean and pretty smelling, having a holiday party and baking cookies!

Since he will likely be lurking around and I may even have to leave to stay at a friend's house, I plan on doing things like baking cookies with them, maybe helping a friend decorate or plan a holiday party.

My bigger fear is the huge family parties where I show up by myself and everyone looks at me like UH OH and asks me what's happened. I suppose I could do damage control proactively and have my mom explain to the rest of the very enmeshed family what is going on in my life and not to talk to me about it, but then how awkward is that, with the elephant in the room? Only thing worse than having to tell 20 different people that my AH is going to be out of my life soon is having them all look at me with that pity in their eyes. Yuck. I don't want to be pitied, I got myself into this, it was my fault too, and I can get myself out. Maybe that's me being stubborn but I always hated people feeling bad for me.

But I have a lot to be thankful for even on the brink of my marriages demise as my AH stomps around the house calling me names non stop. I have great friends and family who have all been so helpful and attentive and ready to hang out and get me outta there any time I need!
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Old 11-25-2009, 07:45 AM
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another fun suggestion -

Sit at the kids table - life is not so serious and no one cares if you spill something on your clothes!!!!!
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Old 11-25-2009, 10:47 AM
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Great thread Cat, and I appreciate your tips!

When I am going to be around people I don't see on a daily basis, I try to remember these four statements:

*Don't take anything personally

*Don't make assumptions

*Be impeccable with my words

*Do my best

(From the 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz)
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Old 11-25-2009, 11:55 AM
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I remember a time when one of my sons was out doing some pharmaceutical research and wasn't at some of the family gatherings. No matter who asked, my answer was always the same: "D has some important life lessons to learn and they aren't from me. I appreciate your prayers and I'm sure he would too. Thanks for your concern." That pretty stopped any further questions or conversation. I had a similar response when asked about my H the first yr we were separated and headed towards divorce: "We are going thru a difficult personal time right now and there are changes on the horizon. I appreciate your prayers and understanding. Thanks. " And then usually there was a comment about our favorite football team to change topics. LOL

It's not my signature line at the moment, but this is still an appropriate recovery statement: What other people think about me is really none of my business. And it's good to remember that when surrounded by well meaning nosy relatives.
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Old 11-28-2009, 11:28 PM
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Thanks Cats,

This year my survival involves volunteering to find good homes for my kitty Gabanna's sisters and brother... so I think of next pet adoption events, about bathing them and adding something cute to them... like a little jacket, ribbon, etc. and which color, and to drive someone interested to meet the cats, etc... so my suggestion is.. VOLUNTEER... making a child smile, saving an animal that was doomed to be put to sleep... as we seem to like to rescue others...why not helping out for real?

It has been a very healing experience for me.
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