BS08

I'd been fearing this, and it somewhat happened last night.. I saw them together. Briefly

I went to a benefit last night for a person I used to work with. I went with 2 friends and one of my friends husbands. It was up by where my exABF lives. I was also staying at my friends house that night that is not far from my ex's house.

We were at the benefit and mingling around and as I looked around, I saw them on the far side of the room. He never saw me, but I saw them. They looked happy. And I felt devastated. It took everything I had to not fall to pieces right there and then. I didn't say anything to anyone, didn't mention it at all, and excused myself to the bathroom. Where I promptly broke down. Trying to have a full on breakdown in a bathroom at a benefit isn't really an easy thing to do. Luckily the bathroom was a single.

I composed myself and while I was walking out, I bumped into a friend of my ex that he works with. I was hoping he couldn't tell that I was crying. He greeted me with the nicest hello, and I really needed it right then. He kissed me on the cheek and gave me a big hug. I was actually surprise since he'd never really greeted me like that before. I was really really nice. Internally, I felt I got a message from him that he was sorry I was treated like this. I just felt that was what was behind it, even though he didn't say it. We had a nice talk and laugh about things (I had to force myself to laugh and act like everything was okay). Luckily, my friends came over looking for me and asked it I wanted to leave and go with a bunch of other people to the bar down the street. I couldn't of said yes fast enough, and luckily we left before I saw him again.

It has resonated with me ever since. I put on the happy face all last night, at the hill today, acted like everything was great. I was acting "as if" trying to get myself back to a better place. When I got home tonight, I fell to pieces. It has to be the lowest I have felt since the initial betrayal. I have been uncontrollably heavily sobbing for 2 hours and I feel spent. At one point, I just felt I couldn't live like this anymore because the feelings were so intense. It was a scary point. But it passed. Thank God.

But I still just feel so incredibly, undeniably low. I feel like I lost everything I ever really wanted. I love my house and where I live, but my dream was to live in a ski town. Being up there last night made me so angry I lost that. I can't live there with him there. It's too small. I feel like I had to take second choice, and I hate him for that. Just so many hopes and dreams gone, and it's just crashing down on me all at once. It's like a knife in my chest.

But I still love the man I fell in love with a year ago. He's dead and this happy, uncaring ass is all that's left of him. I just really miss him....and I'm just tired of carrying the pain while he's so happy...

JenT1968

I am sorry you felt so horrible, sounds to me though like you carried off a difficult situation with dignity, and without denying your feelings. Give yourself a huge congratulations.

Hopefully it won't hurt as much if you bump into him/them next time, because you survived and felt this time.

A couple of things struck me in your post, disregard them if you want: you talk about the loss of your dreams, not just of the relationship, but those of living in a ski town. I can understand choosing not to live where he does, but he hasn't taken the choice of living in any ski town away has he? You get to choose to fulfil your dreams, yours will not be a life of second-best unless you decide to make it that way.

second, and this might just be me, becaused I see many people talk about this, but I felt that I was able to come to terms with things better once I stopped thinking about him as two seperate people, the old and he new, the jeckyll and hyde. Sure he may have actedlike two different people, but the reality is that they are both him, one has not been lost, I cannot get the "old/true/real" one back, because he is and always has been the same person, and he has a range of behaviour that includes aspects that I love and aspects that I find impossible to live with.

With that knowledge I was able to see that I was missing only part of the deal, to split a person in two good/bad is a fantasy, magical thinking and keeps me stuck in a past, that was never quite as I remember experiencing. I am sad at the state of my marriage: this is very much not what I wanted as an outcome, but I can't have half of a person, I have to accept the reality of the whole.

third (and again feel free to ignore me) but his happiness is sort of irrelevant isn't it? Other than a momentary high of understandable revenge, would YOUR life be any better if he was unhappy? it might be worse, more misery in the world can't be good, you don't know that he is happy, you are judging his outside appearance and comparing your intimate knowledge of your "insides" with that. One of the best things I read on here is "stop comparing your insides with others outsides".

((hugs)) I think you rock

transformyself

I think You Rock too and am soo inspired by your post.

Anyone can walk through an easy life with no pain, not confronting huge hurdles.

It takes (and makes) a strong warrior to face what you did with that level of grace. Dignity. The other folks saw it and came to your side. I'd say you inspired many people that night.

I have lived through this hell myself and it really does transform you, like the Phoenix rising from the ashes.

You'll see your dreams realized and before you know it, that guy and his drama won't even matter to you because your life will be fulfilling. When I make my life bigger, it pushes my AH and his drama and women and drinking right out of the picture. It's like math...

Wolfchild

You are not alone with how you feel about this. People change and sometimes we have problems with letting go of "how it used to be". Developing the flexibility to adapt freely to ourselves and others may seem difficult, yet doing so is extremely important to our spiritual well being. Many times in my life i focused my satisfaction, hopes, and dreams on a person place or thing, only to be dissapointed and angry when things didn't work out the way i hoped they would. One of the hardest lessons i have learned is that i am the one capable of making my dreams come true. That i am the person responsible for my own happiness. There are times that i have unrealistic expectations of myself or others, but if i treat myself with kindness & compassion in all situations, then that will naturally flow out to others.

Take heart, stay strong for yourself, and please keep moving forward!!

Startingover2

You handled that well. Better than I could have.

Back in the day when I was always (daily it seemed) shocked by exah's behaviors and coldness my good friend would say "THIS IS WHO HE IS...he was trying to hide it and be a good person to get and keep you, but when its truly who you are it can't stay hidden for long".

I am sorry. I know you hurt. Hold your head high.

BS08

Thanks guys. I feel better after the purge, but my God was that awful! But like you all have said before, these are feelings, which aren't permanent, and they will pass. They did.

I actually sat down today and wrote a Pro/Con list to remind me of the reality of the situation. You guys had it right. I was only seeing the good side and remembering the things I love about the guy. That's why I wrote the list. To show myself all the things I was forgetting, all the things he did to me, and that he's not happy or truly someone I want in my life. He's in denial and has a new cheerleader.

A thing I thought about as well is I just spent a week at home with my sisters after 15 years apart. It was hard, but so wonderful to have my sisters back. We had so much fun, and they truly showed me what love it. It's unconditional and they would never do anything to disrespect me or hurt me. They both have also married wonderful husbands that really are truly good men. It makes me happy to see them with good men.

So I thought today, after 15 years of being apart and finally going to meet them, how would it have been if I had brought the exABF? We had talked about him coming home with me. I don't think he would of handled it well (being nervous about the pressure for my family's approval). No bars to go to (no one in my family really drinks), he would of been out on the back porch and come back in recking of pot, and I don't think I would of wanted him around my 3 teenage nieces, especially since he admitted to me of being a sex addict. Ya, I could take them to Uncle *****'s pot/keg parties. ***** kids!! This is not the type of man I would want to introduce to my family after being away for 15 years. That's the reality now.

I want to introduce someone I can truly be proud to bring home and watch hanging with my family. He's not the guy.

Thanks for letting me vent. Just glad that emotional low is over...
Damn..

BS08

Thanks for all these pointers Jen. That helped steer me back to reality and to look at it in reality. It help.

As for living in a ski town, I love the job I have now, and the area that he lives is where it would be easiest to live my dream and keep my job. Most ski towns are too far away from everything and don't have the opportunity of the job I have. I can't move to where he lives because I would have to deal with him and the memories all the time. Too many memories. Also, I ended up buying a house this summer (after planning on moving in with him) where I currently live. It's my second choice of where to live. Still mountainous, but not a ski town. I'm locked into a house and location now, so can't move like I used to. Also could NEVER buy a house like this in a ski town. No way!! The real estate up there is ridiculous!

So I'm just dealing with the reality of what could of been to what is. It's not a bad place to live, actually it's quite nice!, and again, I love my house. It's just letting go of the idea I had of living up there. At least for the next few years.

Again, I tell myself my HP has other plans and he has put me where I'm supposed to be. I just have to have faith and just go with the ride...

transformyself

What a great guy! You deserve--and will eventually call to you--someone that ISN'T a sex/drug/alcohol/addict. Goodbye to bad rubbish I say.

I'm glad you're feeling better. Your post helped me remember that this too shall pass.

TakingCharge999

Hi BS, well life is funny and perhaps you will stay there then you will bump into an old high school friend that coincidentally is selling something nice on a ski town where "coincidentally" you are offered a better job. Or perhaps you got news about ex leaving somewhere else permanently and you can move to the place you liked. Or life takes you from place to place and suddenly at 80 you are in your dream home at a beach in southern Mexico. Who knows???????? Things are like this NOW but you never know what is coming in the future.

Also, BS08, I work with ex and wondered about living here, working here, having to face him and know about his life indirectly etc etc, but well perhaps after some time he won't even be a topic. I may settle in this city and may deal with the guy for the rest of my working days. Who cares... I am deciding to keep my job FOR ME, be here FOR ME, build a life FOR ME... its all about ME !! And its all about YOU...

Yes I get the feeling of seeing ex with someone else, it hurts.. but after a while you get used to it...then you are the one with someone else...and yup, just as they move on (cheating, because being drunk 99% during mourning does not count in my book) you see you can move on, too and that the nightmare is over for good. It is priceless.

Coincidentally my sis and mom just met my current boyfriend, and I was proud of introducing them. I get you!! It was great and I will never forget the look on my mom's face.She told me she always imagined me with someone nice who brought me flowers and made me smile.... and yup there he is. Good looking, too! So there is much to look forward too.

HUGS!!!!! keep moving forward. You did well!!

BS08

QUOTE=transformyself;2441856]What a great guy! You deserve--and will eventually call to you--someone that ISN'T a sex/drug/alcohol/addict. Goodbye to bad rubbish I say.

I'm glad you're feeling better. Your post helped me remember that this too shall pass.[/QUOTE]

Glad it helped! And ya, it's hard to see it when you're slammed in the middle of it, but the feelings do pass. Sometimes you just need a good cry...

Learn2Live

Determining and remaining aware of the reasons you do not want that relationship with that particular person in the first place is the beginning. Have you started looking for what you want for yourself, what you want in your life, the things you want to accomplish for yourself and your future, other than those things related to a relationship? What are ALL your wants and dreams?.....for YOU?.....

Carol Star

You were missing the guy you wanted him to be-not who he was. I put a card in my purse with all the bad stuff mine did for times when I was missing him and only remembering the good. Trying to get love from an alcohoic is like going to the hardware store for bread. It is like having a brand new red racecar.......with no engine in it. In time I saw the reality of the situation...and felt sorry for who he was with. ! He is a king/baby. They are stuck in the age they started using...for mine...14. Totally selfish. I was getting crazier than he was until I got to alanon. I had to treat him like a drug and run away from it. It gets better with time. Two years ago the holidays were hard. Last year a little sad. This year...no sweat...alot of gratitude. Best of Luck. Even if our glass is half full....that is all we need....air and water.......and SR!