AH kicked me out (sorry, very long)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 2
AH kicked me out (sorry, very long)
Hello everyone. I'm Pupshaw. This is my first post here, but I've been lurking and reading for a few months. My husband is an active alcoholic. In the 15 years I've known him, he has quit and relapsed dozens of times -- when he quits, it's always on his own. He has never truly sought treatment in the form of AA, counseling, or anything else.
When he's sober, he's kind, gentle, capable, and intelligent. He's the best friend who used to come to my college apartment to watch Addams Family reruns, the loving man who enjoys snuggling and tells me I'm his "best girl". When he drinks, it's a different story entirely: he is defiant, belligerent, and nasty. I suddenly become the ball-busting shrew who is ruining his life and his fun with my tears. He picks on me, makes fun of me, and when I say, "please, you're hurting my feelings, please stop!" he mocks me and tells me that my hurt feelings are my own fault for being too "uptight" and "sensitive".
Still, the good times were (mostly) good enough to keep me around. We went from friends to a couple about 10 years ago, then 2 years ago we got married. AH had been sober for more than a year when we got engaged, but relapsed, lost his job and crashed the car just a few months after he gave me the ring. Since then it's been a neverending cycle of crazy: drink, fight, yell, destroy something, pass out, quit for a while, lather, rinse, repeat. Last year, after several years of underemployment and living well under the poverty line, I got a library assistant job on the west coast, so we packed our things up and headed out of the midwest.
AH kept saying that it was the best move we ever made, that living in the midwest with a bunch of other functional alcoholics was what made him drink so much and he had clarity now and blah, blah, blah. But over the last year, his drinking has gotten worse, and his actions against me when he drinks more severe. He started doing truly dangerous things in our arguments like locking me out of the apartment (that I paid for, that I held the lease on) and attempting to have my phone shut off so that I would be alone and unable to call for help in a sketchy neighborhood in the middle of the night. I read "Marriage on the Rocks" and "Getting Them Sober" and tried to put their suggestions into action, to reduce the ways I was contributing to our horrible dynamic. Detaching made him even crazier, and he would be doubly cruel, trying to provoke a reaction out of me, throwing things I'd told him in confidence back in my face to get me to start yelling so he could tell me that the REAL problem was how crazy and unreasonable I was. There was a big change in his attitude, too --- before, he would be remorseful the day after a big blow-up. Now, he was cocky and condescending, talking to me like some old-school Star Trek elder statesman who was instructing a slow-minded child. Now it was, "If you weren't so depressed and high-strung, I wouldn't drink. You see, your moods are so oppressive to me that I simply MUST drink to put up with all your crap!"
He came into some family money this year, and during a sober phase, we bought a fixer-upper together. I shouldn't have, I was fearful when we first started looking because I knew he would now have yet another excuse to drink and pass out, but he emotionally blackmailed me with threats of another relapse and I caved. Right when we moved in, he got very drunk and went on a rampage - I ran to a friend's and he went out on foot and got into an accident bad enough to require 40 stitches in his face. He was very contrite and apologetic after this, and vowed never to drink again. I stupidly believed him, I guess I thought it was his rock bottom.
Well, Thanksgiving is coming up and my folks were coming to visit us, so we've been getting the house in order. On Wednesday night I came home and he was drinking vodka. I managed to avoid getting into a fight by ignoring his drinking, but it was hard because he was combative and almost like he was daring me to have a problem. The next morning I came downstairs and he'd passed out on the futon after drinking an entire bottle of vodka. He'd also wet the bed. Since then he's probably drunk at least 1 liter of vodka a day. On Friday I came home after work, determined to not get into a fight with him. He kept wanting to talk about our problems (in his mind, our problems stem from my depression and he also says that I am probably mentally ill in other ways.) and was getting increasingly agitated and mean. I was getting flooded, emotionally, so I called a time out and went upstairs to stare at my fish bowl and calm down.
That's when he came up the stairs, brandishing a table leg. "You get the hell out of MY house, as fast as you can." He had never hit me before, and I asked if he was threatening me with violence. He said, "Oh no." and then began hitting himself in the face with the table leg, yelling "I'm sorry, officer, but she just WOULDN'T! LEAVE! ME!! ALONE!" (wham, wham, wham.) Well, a man chases me down the stairs swinging a table leg, I get the hell outta Dodge. I've been staying at my best friend's house since then. He continues to drink. Yesterday he called me to "check in" and I told him that unless he goes into a residential treatment facility, I will be taking out a restraining order and initiating a legal separation from him. He kept trying to change the subject to my depression, and I hung up when he started bullying me.
Today, I got a text from him: "I will not go into a program. You need to face your sadness, no soul deserves your burden. I am truly sorry you are so sad, and for what I did to fuel that. I know what it means to say I will not be reprogrammed, and I accept it. You had to see this response coming. I choose Option B."
I am beyond angry and sad. I always felt like I was being cheated on, and it seems his other girlfriend Vodka has finally won for good. Today, his mom is flying in from Boston, to see if she can get him to go into rehab. I don't know if the table leg incident is enough to 5150 him, but at this moment, I just don't care if he gets treatment anymore. I would hit him myself with that table leg.
When he's sober, he's kind, gentle, capable, and intelligent. He's the best friend who used to come to my college apartment to watch Addams Family reruns, the loving man who enjoys snuggling and tells me I'm his "best girl". When he drinks, it's a different story entirely: he is defiant, belligerent, and nasty. I suddenly become the ball-busting shrew who is ruining his life and his fun with my tears. He picks on me, makes fun of me, and when I say, "please, you're hurting my feelings, please stop!" he mocks me and tells me that my hurt feelings are my own fault for being too "uptight" and "sensitive".
Still, the good times were (mostly) good enough to keep me around. We went from friends to a couple about 10 years ago, then 2 years ago we got married. AH had been sober for more than a year when we got engaged, but relapsed, lost his job and crashed the car just a few months after he gave me the ring. Since then it's been a neverending cycle of crazy: drink, fight, yell, destroy something, pass out, quit for a while, lather, rinse, repeat. Last year, after several years of underemployment and living well under the poverty line, I got a library assistant job on the west coast, so we packed our things up and headed out of the midwest.
AH kept saying that it was the best move we ever made, that living in the midwest with a bunch of other functional alcoholics was what made him drink so much and he had clarity now and blah, blah, blah. But over the last year, his drinking has gotten worse, and his actions against me when he drinks more severe. He started doing truly dangerous things in our arguments like locking me out of the apartment (that I paid for, that I held the lease on) and attempting to have my phone shut off so that I would be alone and unable to call for help in a sketchy neighborhood in the middle of the night. I read "Marriage on the Rocks" and "Getting Them Sober" and tried to put their suggestions into action, to reduce the ways I was contributing to our horrible dynamic. Detaching made him even crazier, and he would be doubly cruel, trying to provoke a reaction out of me, throwing things I'd told him in confidence back in my face to get me to start yelling so he could tell me that the REAL problem was how crazy and unreasonable I was. There was a big change in his attitude, too --- before, he would be remorseful the day after a big blow-up. Now, he was cocky and condescending, talking to me like some old-school Star Trek elder statesman who was instructing a slow-minded child. Now it was, "If you weren't so depressed and high-strung, I wouldn't drink. You see, your moods are so oppressive to me that I simply MUST drink to put up with all your crap!"
He came into some family money this year, and during a sober phase, we bought a fixer-upper together. I shouldn't have, I was fearful when we first started looking because I knew he would now have yet another excuse to drink and pass out, but he emotionally blackmailed me with threats of another relapse and I caved. Right when we moved in, he got very drunk and went on a rampage - I ran to a friend's and he went out on foot and got into an accident bad enough to require 40 stitches in his face. He was very contrite and apologetic after this, and vowed never to drink again. I stupidly believed him, I guess I thought it was his rock bottom.
Well, Thanksgiving is coming up and my folks were coming to visit us, so we've been getting the house in order. On Wednesday night I came home and he was drinking vodka. I managed to avoid getting into a fight by ignoring his drinking, but it was hard because he was combative and almost like he was daring me to have a problem. The next morning I came downstairs and he'd passed out on the futon after drinking an entire bottle of vodka. He'd also wet the bed. Since then he's probably drunk at least 1 liter of vodka a day. On Friday I came home after work, determined to not get into a fight with him. He kept wanting to talk about our problems (in his mind, our problems stem from my depression and he also says that I am probably mentally ill in other ways.) and was getting increasingly agitated and mean. I was getting flooded, emotionally, so I called a time out and went upstairs to stare at my fish bowl and calm down.
That's when he came up the stairs, brandishing a table leg. "You get the hell out of MY house, as fast as you can." He had never hit me before, and I asked if he was threatening me with violence. He said, "Oh no." and then began hitting himself in the face with the table leg, yelling "I'm sorry, officer, but she just WOULDN'T! LEAVE! ME!! ALONE!" (wham, wham, wham.) Well, a man chases me down the stairs swinging a table leg, I get the hell outta Dodge. I've been staying at my best friend's house since then. He continues to drink. Yesterday he called me to "check in" and I told him that unless he goes into a residential treatment facility, I will be taking out a restraining order and initiating a legal separation from him. He kept trying to change the subject to my depression, and I hung up when he started bullying me.
Today, I got a text from him: "I will not go into a program. You need to face your sadness, no soul deserves your burden. I am truly sorry you are so sad, and for what I did to fuel that. I know what it means to say I will not be reprogrammed, and I accept it. You had to see this response coming. I choose Option B."
I am beyond angry and sad. I always felt like I was being cheated on, and it seems his other girlfriend Vodka has finally won for good. Today, his mom is flying in from Boston, to see if she can get him to go into rehab. I don't know if the table leg incident is enough to 5150 him, but at this moment, I just don't care if he gets treatment anymore. I would hit him myself with that table leg.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family pupshaw!
I'm very sorry for what has happened to you recently. You have been through a great deal in the past week. I'm glad you have found a place to stay and found your way here. You will find support and information here 24/7.
You are correct is saying your husband is unfaithful to you. His true love is alcohol. He worships at it's throne. It has become his idol.
I want to share some information with you. You may have read about the 3 C's already: You did not cause this, you can not control this, and you will not cure his addiction.
Your AH keeps trying to blame you for his condition. As the spouse of an active alcoholic, even if we don't want to believe that - it does begin to have an effect. My alcoholic ex spouse had a nickname for me "Eve" followed by the explanation that she was the original woman to lead man astray with bad decisions. Therefore, I began to doubt my ability to make good decisions. It wasn't until I joined this forum and started attending Alanon meetings that I trusted myself to make good decisions.
The verbal and now physical assaults toward you are abusive. Please read this sticky about abusive relationships. It also contains links for resources of help. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
I recommend you contact the local Domestic Violence Department and let them help you find resources and options.
Please make yourself home by posting and reading as much as needed.
(((hugs)))
I'm very sorry for what has happened to you recently. You have been through a great deal in the past week. I'm glad you have found a place to stay and found your way here. You will find support and information here 24/7.
You are correct is saying your husband is unfaithful to you. His true love is alcohol. He worships at it's throne. It has become his idol.
I want to share some information with you. You may have read about the 3 C's already: You did not cause this, you can not control this, and you will not cure his addiction.
Your AH keeps trying to blame you for his condition. As the spouse of an active alcoholic, even if we don't want to believe that - it does begin to have an effect. My alcoholic ex spouse had a nickname for me "Eve" followed by the explanation that she was the original woman to lead man astray with bad decisions. Therefore, I began to doubt my ability to make good decisions. It wasn't until I joined this forum and started attending Alanon meetings that I trusted myself to make good decisions.
The verbal and now physical assaults toward you are abusive. Please read this sticky about abusive relationships. It also contains links for resources of help. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
I recommend you contact the local Domestic Violence Department and let them help you find resources and options.
Please make yourself home by posting and reading as much as needed.
(((hugs)))
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I am so glad you decided to start posting. I'm glad you're here. I can relate to this madness, the pain, sadness, anger and fear.
All I can say right now is that it can get better, you can free yourself of the insanity. I left my AH in early Sept and even though I do regress into feeling like I need and want him, those times are just backward steps in a march forward. Mostly now I feel free, really focused on my own life, and like I escaped.
If you've been reading for awhile here you already know that these folks are very wise and supportive. Welcome!
All I can say right now is that it can get better, you can free yourself of the insanity. I left my AH in early Sept and even though I do regress into feeling like I need and want him, those times are just backward steps in a march forward. Mostly now I feel free, really focused on my own life, and like I escaped.
If you've been reading for awhile here you already know that these folks are very wise and supportive. Welcome!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
The books recommendation for dealing with alcoholism in your situation didn't work because you're dealing with abuse also.
This is abusive behavior, that needs to be dealt with differently - which you have by leaving him. My AH also would deflect any discussion of him speaking with a counselor, and say it was me that needed help, not him. You cannot reason with people like this, they are not sane. I can't stress that enough.
More ploys will come, keep your guard up.
I read "Marriage on the Rocks" and "Getting Them Sober" and tried to put their suggestions into action, to reduce the ways I was contributing to our horrible dynamic. Detaching made him even crazier, and he would be doubly cruel, trying to provoke a reaction out of me, throwing things I'd told him in confidence back in my face to get me to start yelling so he could tell me that the REAL problem was how crazy and unreasonable I was.
More ploys will come, keep your guard up.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome Pupshaw!
Please hear me when I say you are a jewel on this earth and no one, I mean no one, has the right or should be granted the power to terrorize you this way!
You have been given wonderful advice to gain a protective order and keep yourself safe. Even if you feel that your relationship is worth saving, although please forgive me for saying that I don't think it is without a lot of professional help not just throwing out the booze, you won't be able to salvage the relationship if he has hurt you beyond repair.
Once you are out of harm's way you can begin to see things in a more analytical light. Maybe there are things you can do differently? Maybe the the booze is just the excuse for a very unhappy man to take out his anger? Those answer will come in time.
Gaining perspective for me has been a huge part of my recovery. Understanding the 3Cs, seeing my XABF for who he really is without excuses or exception, and looking at my path as something I am walking down rather than being dragged over.
For starters, try looking at these last events as your higher power shoving you out of that house to save you rather than your AH kicking you out.
It takes a big stressor to get me to make a decision, and I've had a number of them this year. Every time something's happened, I've made those decisions to keep myself safe without hesitation. I just have to be more proactive instead of reactive so I don't have to be shoved by my higher power so much.
I wish you peace and comfort, and I will be thinking of you.
Take care of you Pup!
Alice
Please hear me when I say you are a jewel on this earth and no one, I mean no one, has the right or should be granted the power to terrorize you this way!
You have been given wonderful advice to gain a protective order and keep yourself safe. Even if you feel that your relationship is worth saving, although please forgive me for saying that I don't think it is without a lot of professional help not just throwing out the booze, you won't be able to salvage the relationship if he has hurt you beyond repair.
Once you are out of harm's way you can begin to see things in a more analytical light. Maybe there are things you can do differently? Maybe the the booze is just the excuse for a very unhappy man to take out his anger? Those answer will come in time.
Gaining perspective for me has been a huge part of my recovery. Understanding the 3Cs, seeing my XABF for who he really is without excuses or exception, and looking at my path as something I am walking down rather than being dragged over.
For starters, try looking at these last events as your higher power shoving you out of that house to save you rather than your AH kicking you out.
It takes a big stressor to get me to make a decision, and I've had a number of them this year. Every time something's happened, I've made those decisions to keep myself safe without hesitation. I just have to be more proactive instead of reactive so I don't have to be shoved by my higher power so much.
I wish you peace and comfort, and I will be thinking of you.
Take care of you Pup!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by Bucyn 
You do understand that his insistence that you have sadness and depression and his insistence that you have problems and are mentally ill is nothing more than projection. He's the one with depression and mental illness, and he numbs himself with the alcohol, and oddly, hit himself in the face probably in an effort to feel something...even pain.
I see a person that did the best with what she knew at the time. And I see a person, you, that is ready for change for herself, and I see courage and strength.
We talk about baby steps and one day at a time around here, and today you took a step in making your life better and healthier.
By the way, welcome.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi pupshaw-
i'm sorry to say that i totally relate to your story. welcome to the club! mine was violent also and it only got worse and worse. i'm also not a fan of vodka drinkers as i have watched a few die from it. another one set his house on fire whilst cooking and sleeping.
if you can muster the strength, go no contact. i resisted this so much and it ended up with me having a broken shoulder. oh how i wish i had gone no contact sooner. it was a mistake not to. that is so clear to me now.
he sounds crazy. it took me a long time to understand that mine was crazy. actually, i ran into mine the other day and when i looked in his eyes, i knew he was crazy.
you can't win against vodka. it's too strong an opponent.
naive
i'm sorry to say that i totally relate to your story. welcome to the club! mine was violent also and it only got worse and worse. i'm also not a fan of vodka drinkers as i have watched a few die from it. another one set his house on fire whilst cooking and sleeping.
if you can muster the strength, go no contact. i resisted this so much and it ended up with me having a broken shoulder. oh how i wish i had gone no contact sooner. it was a mistake not to. that is so clear to me now.
he sounds crazy. it took me a long time to understand that mine was crazy. actually, i ran into mine the other day and when i looked in his eyes, i knew he was crazy.
you can't win against vodka. it's too strong an opponent.
naive
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
if i may add,
there was a large part of me that was in denial as to how crazy he was. i fled once to a neighbors after he threw me about and he came crashing through the neighbors door, yielding a bat.
this was not enough for me to realize he was crazy. for me, it took actually landing in the hospital.
don't let that happen to you!
naive
there was a large part of me that was in denial as to how crazy he was. i fled once to a neighbors after he threw me about and he came crashing through the neighbors door, yielding a bat.
this was not enough for me to realize he was crazy. for me, it took actually landing in the hospital.
don't let that happen to you!
naive
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Pupshaw - WOW, your story sent chills up my back... and brought some memories to the surface.
Good thing you are away from him. I hope you will pursue a protective order so that you can find safety and peace. It is time for you to move on... and I know it is difficult when you can still recall the good in him from the past. We have a hard time forgetting that good, and it holds us back. The despair and self-doubting this merry-go-round you've found yourself will fade away once you get yourself out of this situation.
I can with full conviction tell you that there is a better life for you just around the corner. Walk that way!
Good thing you are away from him. I hope you will pursue a protective order so that you can find safety and peace. It is time for you to move on... and I know it is difficult when you can still recall the good in him from the past. We have a hard time forgetting that good, and it holds us back. The despair and self-doubting this merry-go-round you've found yourself will fade away once you get yourself out of this situation.
I can with full conviction tell you that there is a better life for you just around the corner. Walk that way!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northen Europe and France
Posts: 1,657
Hi Pupshaw and welcome to SR.
This is a very difficult situation. I´ve been where you are years ago so I know how difficult and draining it is.
When I was in that particular situation, I decided to build myself up berfore I could leave him, because I was powerless to do so at first. I also came face to face with a knowledge that I somehow chose to be with a violent man - I had been with more than one - so I decided to work on that. I got myself a therapist, organized a group of women in my area who had similar problems and my life gradually got better.
Together we supported each other so I was able to leave him. Good support system, nurturing myself instead of the relationship, going to the Police when appropriate and good counseling made it possible for me to leave him.
Keep sharing and the best of luck to you.
Stay safe.
This is a very difficult situation. I´ve been where you are years ago so I know how difficult and draining it is.
When I was in that particular situation, I decided to build myself up berfore I could leave him, because I was powerless to do so at first. I also came face to face with a knowledge that I somehow chose to be with a violent man - I had been with more than one - so I decided to work on that. I got myself a therapist, organized a group of women in my area who had similar problems and my life gradually got better.
Together we supported each other so I was able to leave him. Good support system, nurturing myself instead of the relationship, going to the Police when appropriate and good counseling made it possible for me to leave him.
Keep sharing and the best of luck to you.
Stay safe.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Hi Pupshaw, I am so, so srorry that you are in this situation, but I also know that it's agood thing for you that he became violent (but didn't actually strike you) because NOW YOU KNOW. My stbxh told me in counseling "this is how I am - you can take it or leave it, and frankly, I would prefer that you leave it." So the 3 children and I are on our own.
You can do this. Stay in touch with this fabulous forum and remember that you are nOT crazy. You are safe and you are sane.
Hang in there.
You can do this. Stay in touch with this fabulous forum and remember that you are nOT crazy. You are safe and you are sane.
Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 2
Hello everyone...
I just wanted to pop back in to say thank you for all your words of support and sympathy and caring. They were a lifeline to me at an unbelievably difficult time.
Thanks to the help of my parents and his mom, he is in a treatment facility, and I can live in my house again. At least for now. I've been going to counseling and al-anon and although he is working his program at the moment, I am drawing up my plan in case he stops his treatment or tries to come home early. This is the first time he's ever sought help, and he seems to be gaining clarity on how crazy things had gotten, but I am very cautious. For now, I am happy to have a 28-day vacation from him, and time to work on myself.
Still Waters, it's been really hard to think of my situation as abusive, but you are right --- that is what it has been.
I just wanted to pop back in to say thank you for all your words of support and sympathy and caring. They were a lifeline to me at an unbelievably difficult time.
Thanks to the help of my parents and his mom, he is in a treatment facility, and I can live in my house again. At least for now. I've been going to counseling and al-anon and although he is working his program at the moment, I am drawing up my plan in case he stops his treatment or tries to come home early. This is the first time he's ever sought help, and he seems to be gaining clarity on how crazy things had gotten, but I am very cautious. For now, I am happy to have a 28-day vacation from him, and time to work on myself.
The books recommendation for dealing with alcoholism in your situation didn't work because you're dealing with abuse also.
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