Kittyboo

Do you find that even the suggestion of drinking irritates you? I do.

I'm so sensitive to the subject now. I use to go out and drink with many friends like a lot of people do in their 20's....never thought much of it. Would get drunk. And generally nothing good ever came from those nights! Wake up with headaches, run to McDonalds and supersize all 3 meals for that day.

Anyway, i'll say little things now like how a certain class may be stressful, or I want to take a bubble bath and unwind, and generally someone ALWAYS makes a comment...."don't forget a glass of wine"...or..."you need a shot of tequila!". And every time it just puts my stomach in knots.

I realize that many people don't have an alcohol addiction, and it's not a big deal. And for them, a glass of wine may calm them down. But for me, honestly, alcohol depresses me. It makes me very sensitive and i'll start to cry thinking about things. I do enough crying right now without the alcohol....I don't need any help, thanks!

I just can't believe how sensitive I have become to how people's solution to most everything is "have a drink!". And how much I just want to go off and say....Don't you understand what drinking does to people!!!!
So, as to not go off on my friends, I came to vent here. Thanks for listening. Been having a rough couple of days emotionally....between the anger and acceptance stage of my No Contact.

CatsPajamas

We've talked about this at my Al Anon meetings. There are some members who are comfortable having a drink or 2 socially. They have an "off switch" and don't seem to have the disease of alcoholism. Others are sickened/outraged by the thought of taking a drink or by being around any alcohol at all. And still others choose to not drink anymore as a show of support to their recovering alcoholic. I've even known some members who started out in Al Anon as a family member of an alcoholic and ultimately went to AA to deal with their own drinking problems.

It's a personal choice, I think, and it can change over time as each person finds his/her own program and rhythm. I'll be interested to see what others have to say about this!

Kittyboo

I definitely agree with you about it being a personal choice. I think for me, I just notice more so now than ever before, the suggestion of having a drink to cool off, relax, have fun.....
It seems to be the solution to everything in most people's eyes. I suppose I just look at alcohol as the OPPOSITE of a solution to anything....even if it's just one glass.
I definitely don't think those who enjoy having some wine with dinner, or relaxing at home are wrong, I mean, my father would have a glass everynight, wouldn't call him an alcoholic. He just enjoyed a glass of wine, and liked fine wines.

I just find it interesting/infuriating at how much emphasis there is put on drinking by just about everyone.

And the other thing that REALLY would tick me off, is when someone would suggest it to me, I now say "i'm not drinking right now", and most certainly their response is "but why!?" Really????? Why????? It's not like I gave up going to school, I gave up alcohol, and it needs to be questioned?
I find it hard to develop a social life because all anyone wants to do is go to bars. I hate bars. I went out for the first time a little over a month ago with a new "friend", she's 38, and she proceeded to get drunk and pick up some guy at the bar. I'll be 34 in a week and it's just the LAST thing I want to do. Needless to say, she doesn't ask me to go out anymore....and I don't mind that. I'm trying to focus on me after this self esteem crushing experience with my A!

Oooooh, I think I have gotten off the subject!

itisatruth

Hello...I can relate to your feelings on alcohol. After I left my ex who was a very mean drunk, I despised it for a time. In fact, I didn't touch it for quite a while after that. I also thought it was great when I met my current husband and found out he didn't drink at all because he was in recovery (that did not turn out the way I thought, btw). I now drink socially for the most part and have wine on weekends sometimes when I'm not watching my calories.

Drinking is such a big part of the culture. Commercials, sporting events, concerts, holidays, you name it. I don't think many people really have to deal with the negative aspects of it's effects because they don't live with them. They're just living their lives, as they choose, because that's what they know. If a person wants to drink to relax - and they don't abuse it - who am I to judge their choice. I kind of look at it the way I do about guns. Now, I'm not a member of NRA or anything but I do understand that guns themselves don't kill people, it's the person that pulls the trigger. Yeah, the effects of guns, like drugs & alcohol, can be bad....but blaming them isn't the whole story. It is the underlying issues of crime, violence, mental illness, and alcoholism/addiction that cause the problems (or even what led people to be violent or be an A).

So is it bad that people need to use it to "relax" or escape from their daily lives? I don't know. I don't think it's cool for people to question you about your drinking. Obviously, you have every right to make your choice for your own reasons. It is unfortunate that a person NOT drinking would be harder for someone to understand than someone who does - for whatever reason.

Still Waters

I totally gave up drinking prior to my AH going into rehab. I insisted he get rid of all the alcohol in the house (a family member suggested that, it was a bad idea I think) and it didn't feel right for me to drink when I expected him not to.

After the family time at the rehab I was just horrified by what I saw and heard, the destruction, the pain, the anger. It was really eye opening.

I have no desire to drink, nor any desire to be around drinking. At all.

mamaplus2kids

I agree with Kitty and Still Waters! It's amazing how much our society upholds drinking alcohol! Based on my own experience, I think it would be difficult for someone in recovery NOT to drink. People push the stuff and feel threatened when others don't drink. I don't have the disease of alcoholism, but I abused alcohol during my 20's. When I made up my mind to cut it out, it was no problem for me, but I was stunned at the social pressure to drink.

Nearly 4 years ago, I decided to stop drinking alcohol around the time of my separation with my AXH. I realized that I didn't like it all that much, that I was allergic to the sulphites in wine (the only thing I liked to drink), and I wanted to be a good role model to the children. I also wanted to get rid of those extra 5 pounds (call it vanity ;-)) Initially, some people (mostly problem drinkers) questioned my decision. Don't you drink at all? Oh, come on. One glass is good for you! I always smile and say, no thanks. I really don't like it that much. Look at it this way, there's more for you!

I made a decision and stuck to it. It wasn't hard and I haven't had one urge to drink since. I think living with my AXH turned me off the stuff completely. Plus, once I stopped completely, I noticed how intolerable drunk behavior became. I think I used to drink in social situations to survive the boredom associated with having to be with drunks!

Recently, I have found people who drink moderately or not at all. And that's fine with me. I still socialize sometimes with people who tend to drink too much, but I go home when they start to bore me.

heavenlyone

I understand this completely! If I even see a beer commercial on the tv I feel anger and complete disgust....I'm just totally repulsed by the whole idea, even the visual cues of alcohol sends me into anger.

I can't touch the stuff anymore. It's like I've built up this toxicity to it...like my body doesn't want to see it or be near it and it just screams at me to get away.

Alcohol now triggers fear of lying, dishonesty, disappointment, illusion, manipulation and so many other things even when I see the advertisments on the t.v.

I understand Kittyboo!

bookwyrm

I haven't had a drink in well over 3 years - I had my first one yesterday. I was at a friends wedding and I had a single glass of champagne. No big deal to me, which is different. Being away from STBXAH I think its OK for me to have a drink. Maybe even 2?!

There were so many people around me drinking much more than that at the wedding though. It made me feel more and more uncomfortable and on edge. I finally left after the evening guests had arrived and the dancing had started. I would love to be able to just 'get over' this. I'd like to not tense up and get anxious when I'm around people drinking. I feel like I'm abnormal somehow. I think it is something I need to work on. Drinking is such a huge part of society in the west of Scotland. I don't get pressured to drink - I'm usually driving - but I have a hard time relaxing around people who are drinking and having fun.

kv816

Yes, it gets to me too. I find myself holding back thoughts of anger and disgust when I even see anyone buying it or that they drank it recently.

And the word "normal" really ticks me off too anymore. It seems anymore that "normal" IS the bar hopping, a football game is no fun without the beer, Thanksgiving dinner a bottle of wine seems mandatory. It has me asking "if that's normal than I'm way more screwed up then I thought!!!"

But I think what really gets me the most is how people now look at me as sensitive. For example, I was invited to a friend's house for Thanksgiving. He just said we were welcome to join him and his family but there will be drinking, of course. He just wanted me to know that. And it really ticked me off. I know it shouldn't have but he knows all I'm going through and I'm sure he only said it so I wouldn't be upset when I got there and saw it all (cause it is a long trip so I'd have to stay through it all).

Carol Star

I am one of those 1 in 10 who cannot drink. I have the genetic predisposition and I will abuse a pill,food, shopping, whatever......I KNOW it. I do what it takes to stay in the solution. I observe others now getting too loud, flirting with other people's spouses ,losing control and I do not miss it.....the icky stomach in the morning,red blotches on my face, wrecked cars,lost $, been there done that.....I am one of the 1 in 10... It scares me that pot is legal some places.....it is just "changing seats on the Titanic" for someone like me...and the lung damage......by the Grace of HP...go I........cranberry juice and seltzer is festive for me......and helps my tummy.......

Still Waters

mamaplus,

I found out that I'm allergic to beer too. Hives, running eyes and nose, fun stuff. I had always been allergic to red wine, I believe it has histimines in it, but never to beer.

Frogdude

well I like to have a beer every now and again, but I have an AH wife where that isn't possible anymore and i resent it. I have to give up or pass on a social life because my wife can't deal with it or handle it. I know this sounds selfish but I can not be alone with this feeling....am I?

Pelican

Hi frogdude!

Welcome to the family!

I'm sorry that your wife is still trying to control the uncontrollable.

Do you know about the 3 C's?

You did not cause it
You can not control it
You will not cure it

Are you trying to control her drinking by your not drinking? That plan may fail and lead to further resentments.

If both partners agree that they are powerless over alcohol and choose to abstain from alcohol while the problem drinker begins sobriety, that is a sign of mutual support.

Would you like to start a new thread frogdude to introduce yourself and share your story? You will find lots of support and information here.

Sorry to hijack your thread Kittyboo.
As a recovering alcoholic, I am learning to live the slogan: Live and let live - when it comes to other people and their alcohol. Somedays I do it with my teeth biting my tongue.

I have learned that there will always be alcoholics and addicts in my life. Sometimes they will be there to remind me of where I was. Sometimes they will be there to reach out for my help. Until my HP shows me the reason, I am grateful for today.

Still Waters

No, you aren't. I've heard this from a few other people dealing with alcoholic spouses, that they can't enjoy a drink now.

I feel grateful that I didn't have those resentments in my situation, and I don't have any advice for you - hopefully someone with the same feelings will be along to offer something useful.

Mrak

America can be a tough country to stay sober in. Abraham Lincoln should have said, "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, BEER!" Alcohol is part of our economy, our history our culture and our families. So much of society revolves around drinking. I must simply accept this.

I laugh at beer commercials. They always show the dorky guy picking up a smokin' hot woman. They never show someone barfing in the snow or relieving themselves behind a parked car. It's a legal product, and as a capitalist, I would expect them to try to sell as much of it as they can. Do I smoke? No - but I own Phillip Morris stock. I owned Budweiser stock before they sold out to InBev. My point is that alcohol and other things that I personally don't like exist. I will not live in denial of them. I will not hide from the world. I will not allow my addiction to rob me of a fully engaged life. Which is worse; Denying other people their right to drink or my denial that I am an alcoholic and shouldn't drink?

"Have a drink" is such a common response for most people. Many don't mean any harm by it. If someone pushes it on me or I don't like the environment, then it is my choice to leave. I don't lecture, berate or begrudge others who want to drink. I remind myself that it is my problem, not theirs.

I typically respond with, ""Sounds like a good idea, but I'm allergic to alcohol, I break out in stupidity." Or I offer some other silly response; "I have to fly a plane in one hour,,, I have to be in surgery in an hour and you wouldn't want me doing a colonoscopy on your grandma all drunk would you?" I try to defuse the questions and move on to some other topic.

Drinking again will not make my life better. This is my problem, not theirs. If I don't like it I leave. It can be boring and lonely sometimes, but that's just how it is (for me).

These are my own opinions and I reserve the right to be wrong.

kittykitty

There seems to be alot of people here who are genuinely angry about alcohol being in existence in this world. I understand being uncomfortable when people push it on you, but being offended, angered, or affected by peer pressure is for teenagers. And getting upset about a commercial on tv is even worse. The first thing I learned in Alanon is that we have no control over what other people do. Just because you don't agree with it, doesn't mean that it is wrong. And expending thought and energy on it is unhealthy for you. You cannot choose what others say or do, you can only choose how you react to it.

Not everyone has been raised by an alcoholic. Not everyone sees what the abuse does to lives, relationships, and personalities. I feel sorry for people who insist that alcohol is needed to unwind, de-stress, etc. I look at other areas of their lives that are lacking... a loveless marriage, a crappy job, etc. Essentially these people have problems in other areas of their lives that usually coincide with self esteem or motivation issues. The ones that I am usually exposed to are the wealthy, who still haven't admitted that money can't buy you happiness. They have shallow friendships, meaningless marriages, and all the material things money can buy, and they are the first to hit the bottle of wine, or buy everyone at the bar shots. And they encourage others to join them in their intoxication, because the idea of doing it alone is too much... doing it alone might insinuate that there is something wrong with doing it at all. It's the epitome of peer pressure.

But, since I am not perfect, and have my moments as well, and can admit that sometimes I get mad.

I get mad when society, movies, and television insist that plastic surgery is necessary to keep you looking young and desirable.

I get annoyed with the idea that the only way to have a good vacation is to spend hundreds of dollars and fly to some island somewhere.

I get angry when I see commercials of anorexic models wearing $300 jeans, poisoning the minds of young girls and their self esteem.

I get frustrated when friends starve themselves for the sake of fitting into a holiday dress.

I get discouraged when I see young children turning to reality tv show characters as role models, and grow up believing that everyone should get a lexus coupe for their 16th birthday, and if your boobs are big enough and your pants are tight enough someday everyone will know your name.

We, as people in recovery, know that none of the above is true, just as we know that alcohol isn't the only way to relax, unwind, or deal with stress. And it is not our place to impose that knowledge on anyone who chooses to see it from another point of view. Of course it is frustrating, but I don't let it ruin my day. I thank my HP that I know better, that I see clearer, and that I live stronger than the rest of 'em.

Linkmeister

I stopped buying soda pop in cans because the sound of a can openiing triggered my thoughts of a can of beer being opened which signaled another binge.....

While I was never a drinker - I either threw up or passed out - never in any particular order either, I can honestly say that seeing ads, passing by a liquor store or bar triggers all of those same feelings. I live in a city that has more bars per capita than coffee shops, the rate of alcoholism is quite high, the detox center, AA meetings and Al-Anon meetings are packed, those are not so subtle reminders of the cost of alcoholism........

SadLittleSister

I agree about the ubiquity of talk about drinking. Every day at work, when things get stressful, someone is bound to say something about needing a drink. There's no escape, even at church. Yesterday I cantored, so I brought my water bottle to the choir loft. Someone asked me if what I had in the bottle was really water (hahaha). A moment later, another choir member stumbled a bit coming up the stairs. Much mirth followed about whether he was "still tipsy" from the night before.

Even before our family was wrecked by alcoholism, I've always found drunkenness distasteful. But so much of our society seems to think it's fun and funny to get wasted.

Thumper

I mostly haven't drank anything for over a year. It was just to much to see AH drink so much. I had a drink the other day (he was out of town for a week).

I don't so much mind a drink now and again myself but can leave it when necessary. For instance if we would have worked it out I wouldn't sweat never drinking again.

I am sensitive to it though. I will probably easily freak out about other people's drinking - always looking for the sinister side.

Kittyboo

Thanks everyone for the great responses! No doubt, everyone has their personal views about alcohol / drinking, and the glorification that seems to come with drinking thanks to many ad campaigns.

Being back in college after so many years, I notice how many young people talk about drinking, and I think it really makes me anxious.
These 19 and 20 year olds talk about how many shots of tequila they do, then driving home....like it makes them sound so great to others, and themselves.
I want to shake so many of them and give them a wake up call!

When they are that age, I guess all that can be done is to educate. What they choose to take away from that is their choice, and hope that one day they realize that alcohol is not they greatest thing in the world, and it does not make them so cool, as they seem to think.

I agree with everything said by everyone. And I feel that I too may have become a little more sensitive to the suggestion of having a drink......which is definitely my problem and no one elses.
Mrak, I love the approach of turning it into a joke when offered. I'm generally very sarcastic, and use to have such a light heart, it's become a bit heavier lately, and I would like to get my light heartedness back..... people are use to me not taking things so seriously, so when I do it now, I think they are a little thrown off.

You all truly rock!