how/whether to tell my mom
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Osakis, MN
Posts: 12
how/whether to tell my mom
Last night I got the call I was expecting - that my brother relapsed and is in detox again. It was late - nearly midnight - so I didn't wake my mother. Now it's the next day and I still haven't said anything. Partly this is because there's nothing we can do, so what's the point of confirming her fears that he's gone off the rails again. Partly (mostly) it's because I know it will devastate her, and it hurts so much to be the one who has to bring her that sorrow.
This morning I suggested that we stop trying to make contact with my brother, let him come to us if he wants help. She agreed, but I know she becomes more and more anxious the longer it is that we don't hear from him (and I of course know we won't, at least until he's released from detox). I just don't know if letting her fear the worst is better than her knowing the worst? Is it even my role to tell her (once again, Kevin escapes the painful consequences of his actions and relies on someone else to do the dirty work for him).
I also don't know what we're supposed to do now. Try to get him back into treatment yet again? Do nothing and wait to hear that he's drunk himself to death?
This morning I suggested that we stop trying to make contact with my brother, let him come to us if he wants help. She agreed, but I know she becomes more and more anxious the longer it is that we don't hear from him (and I of course know we won't, at least until he's released from detox). I just don't know if letting her fear the worst is better than her knowing the worst? Is it even my role to tell her (once again, Kevin escapes the painful consequences of his actions and relies on someone else to do the dirty work for him).
I also don't know what we're supposed to do now. Try to get him back into treatment yet again? Do nothing and wait to hear that he's drunk himself to death?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I agree with AlwaysGrowing. You heard he is 'okay'. He is with professionals that can assist him with his detox, again.
I sense that you are resenting picking up the pieces of your 53 year old brother's life. Why are you picking up the pieces of his life still. He is an adult. He chose to leave the sober house. His choice. He got his own apartment. His choice. He goes into rehab and will lose his apartment. His consequence from his choice of drinking - again. If he looses apartments, jobs, furniture, money and family because of his drinking; he may choose to finally get serious about his recovery.
When he gets out of detox, he knows where and how to find help. He has walked this path before. He needs support from professionals and other recovering alcoholics.
Are you or your mother trained to deal with addiction? Are you or your mother recovering alcoholics? If the answer is no, please leave him to reach his bottom and reach out with both hands for sobriety and recovery.
I am the ex-spouse of an alcoholic. My fear for my spouse was that he would die from his alcoholism. I know 2 people that have died from alcoholism. I have a daughter that drinks, sometimes. I have the fear that her drinking may escalate to addiction. I have had to look at my fear. My fear - their life. My fear is my own. Their life is their own. I can not control their lives to relieve my fears. I have had to learn to detach with love and let them live their own lives.
I am also a recovering alcoholic. I went to an open AA meeting tonight. The speaker was a woman. She shared her history with alcohol. She finally reached her last bottom as an adult when her mother told her to get it right or get out.
Do you know what my greatest fear was as an alcoholic? Sobriety. A lifetime of not drinking to celebrate was frightening. A lifetime of not drinking to de-stress was frightening. A lifetime of not drinking because I was depressed (I know?) was frightening. I am thrilled to have faced my fear and walked through it into sobriety. I had to want sobriety more than my marriage, more than my children, more than my career - because without sobriety - I would loose it all.
I hope your brother will find recovery and sobriety.
I sense that you are resenting picking up the pieces of your 53 year old brother's life. Why are you picking up the pieces of his life still. He is an adult. He chose to leave the sober house. His choice. He got his own apartment. His choice. He goes into rehab and will lose his apartment. His consequence from his choice of drinking - again. If he looses apartments, jobs, furniture, money and family because of his drinking; he may choose to finally get serious about his recovery.
When he gets out of detox, he knows where and how to find help. He has walked this path before. He needs support from professionals and other recovering alcoholics.
Are you or your mother trained to deal with addiction? Are you or your mother recovering alcoholics? If the answer is no, please leave him to reach his bottom and reach out with both hands for sobriety and recovery.
I am the ex-spouse of an alcoholic. My fear for my spouse was that he would die from his alcoholism. I know 2 people that have died from alcoholism. I have a daughter that drinks, sometimes. I have the fear that her drinking may escalate to addiction. I have had to look at my fear. My fear - their life. My fear is my own. Their life is their own. I can not control their lives to relieve my fears. I have had to learn to detach with love and let them live their own lives.
I am also a recovering alcoholic. I went to an open AA meeting tonight. The speaker was a woman. She shared her history with alcohol. She finally reached her last bottom as an adult when her mother told her to get it right or get out.
Do you know what my greatest fear was as an alcoholic? Sobriety. A lifetime of not drinking to celebrate was frightening. A lifetime of not drinking to de-stress was frightening. A lifetime of not drinking because I was depressed (I know?) was frightening. I am thrilled to have faced my fear and walked through it into sobriety. I had to want sobriety more than my marriage, more than my children, more than my career - because without sobriety - I would loose it all.
I hope your brother will find recovery and sobriety.
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