Free108

Hi Everyone.
Ugh, I had a hard morning. I haven't posted an update for a while. It's been nearly 2 months since my xabf moved out and I've been doing better for the past month; as in, not sitting on the couch all day staring at the wall. I've managed to get some things achieved at work and I've seen my friends and been to therapy and started to find some peace.
Unfortunately though, I have to see him now and again because we run a business together. I usually can go in in the mornings before he gets there, but lately we've had to meet a few times. I always end up feeling raw after those meetings. He's very nice to me and I'm very nice to him, but it just hurts. I grieve all over again that I've lost him and that there's nothing I can do about it. I can't stop him from drinking or from living in the way that he is at the moment and I can't make him want our life together. He just doesn't because it doesn't fit in with his habits.
So this morning, already feeling a bit blue because we spent a few hours together yesterday afternoon, I had to drive my kid and her friend into town. There was a detour set up which sent us right past his house. Thanks universe! Well, there was the lovely sight of a woman's car parked outside his house. My daughter looked at me and put her head down. I just tried to smile and tell her that it's all OK. I put a good face on for the rest of the drive but once I had dropped them off I just felt horrible.
I knew that this would happen at some point, but I still feel so betrayed, despite the fact that I wouldn't even take him back at this point!

I think I feel betrayed partly because he's been telling me how he's not so happy at the moment and trying to be disciplined etc and like a fool something inside of me was thinking hurray, maybe this is the first step to dealing with the problem, although I knew very well that this was a long shot. I suppose I'm realizing this morning that although I thought I had detached, I hadn't enough and I was still hoping that we could figure things out in the long term and I was in denial about the fact that I was still hoping.

So, there it is. I'm so tired of feeling sad. I really want a better life than this.

laurie6781

Maybe if you can look at this a bit differently. In essence you never 'had him to lose' his love is ALCOHOL, it might help you a bit in your detachment.

I am not saying this to be mean or rude, but in fact you only 'thought' you had him, with the help of his quacking, of course.

It took me quite a while into my own recovery from addiction to understand that I hadn't loved anyone else, how could I? when 1) I didn't love myself and 2) I was a slave to my addiction.

You are doing good for 2 months apart. Yes it hurts, it will get better, each day just a bit the hurt will abate as you continue to work on yourself.

Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing as we do care so very much. And please remember, we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

AlwaysGrowing

Free

I understand what you are talking about. I'm going to bring up two thoughts.

1) Why in the would would you look to a human being for happinness? Shouldn't we be looking to God? And doing some service work to help others?

2) Doing everything right will not ensure us happiness. Life feels awesome and life feels like crap sometimes. How else do we learn to appreciate people/places and things in life.

Going into Thanksgiving, maybe help hand out food to the homeless which will help you 'get out of your mind'.

AG

Pelican

Hi Free!

Thanks for the update on you. I'm sorry you had a sad day today. Seeing that car today just jolted your reality up a notch. I like Laurie's advice about changing your perspective.

I also want to encourage you. You are doing something healthy for you and your daughter. You are no longer accepting unacceptable behavior in your home and life. Give yourself a hug for being a great mom and give your daughter a hug too. She is lucky to have a mom that is looking to better future!

((hugs))