AH's access to children - advice please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 16
AH's access to children - advice please
Hi,
I've been on this forum before but not for a while. My AH gave up drinking for a month in Jan 2008 and then slipped back. We split in Feb 2009. His idea because - "you don't love me any more" which was his reaction to the fact I was learning to detach from his dramas.
Since the split the kids and I have moved to another town where my dad also lives, so I can work and my dad picks the kids up from school and they stay with him until I get back from work. It's good for them to be around a non-alcoholic male.
Since we moved two months ago AH has been trying to arrange to see the kids for 50% of the time he wants to get here at 9am Sunday and stay until 9pm Tuesday every week. (That's his version of 50% but then two bedtimes and half of Sunday was his version of 50% of the childcare when we lived together).
No way do I want him to see this much of them. My S10 has visibly improved his moods and outlook on life since Dad moved out, he is no longer having to deal so much with rages and mood swings and unpredictable behaviour.
Don't get me wrong AH is a good dad, but he is an A and that messes up what he can do.
I'm trying to draw a firm line and limit his visits to alternate weekends. There are loads of reasons why I prefer this arrangement. I would like the weekends not to be split in half, I would like to be the one that takes care of my kids through the school week and makes sure they have the stuff they need and the homework done etc.
Last time he was here he took the kids to the movies on a tuesday night, they had cinema hotdogs for their dinner and got home at about 9.30pm when they are normally in bed by 8.30pm on a week night.
What I need help with is deciding what is best for my kids and trying not to be selfish about this. Of course I would prefer for my AH to just disappear, but it's not all about me it's about them too and they do miss him. The abuse I suffered from him was all emotional with occasional threats of physical which never followed through. He has never been abusive towards the kids, however it worries me that if he spends more time with him they will become his emotional crutches. His timetable also pretty much rules out any chance of him meeting someone new (not that I would wish that on any other living woman) but I'm worried the kids will be the only ones left dealing with his burdens.
His alcoholism is of the high functioning kind. He drinks about 5 x 500ml of high alcohol beer every night of the week. He never appears drunk, I would only realise too late when I would find myself in some conversation/argument that makes no sense and is full of rage and resentment, blame shifting etc. Resentment seethes through every pore of his body most of the time.
Any ideas/experience gratefully received.
Froggie
I've been on this forum before but not for a while. My AH gave up drinking for a month in Jan 2008 and then slipped back. We split in Feb 2009. His idea because - "you don't love me any more" which was his reaction to the fact I was learning to detach from his dramas.
Since the split the kids and I have moved to another town where my dad also lives, so I can work and my dad picks the kids up from school and they stay with him until I get back from work. It's good for them to be around a non-alcoholic male.
Since we moved two months ago AH has been trying to arrange to see the kids for 50% of the time he wants to get here at 9am Sunday and stay until 9pm Tuesday every week. (That's his version of 50% but then two bedtimes and half of Sunday was his version of 50% of the childcare when we lived together).
No way do I want him to see this much of them. My S10 has visibly improved his moods and outlook on life since Dad moved out, he is no longer having to deal so much with rages and mood swings and unpredictable behaviour.
Don't get me wrong AH is a good dad, but he is an A and that messes up what he can do.
I'm trying to draw a firm line and limit his visits to alternate weekends. There are loads of reasons why I prefer this arrangement. I would like the weekends not to be split in half, I would like to be the one that takes care of my kids through the school week and makes sure they have the stuff they need and the homework done etc.
Last time he was here he took the kids to the movies on a tuesday night, they had cinema hotdogs for their dinner and got home at about 9.30pm when they are normally in bed by 8.30pm on a week night.
What I need help with is deciding what is best for my kids and trying not to be selfish about this. Of course I would prefer for my AH to just disappear, but it's not all about me it's about them too and they do miss him. The abuse I suffered from him was all emotional with occasional threats of physical which never followed through. He has never been abusive towards the kids, however it worries me that if he spends more time with him they will become his emotional crutches. His timetable also pretty much rules out any chance of him meeting someone new (not that I would wish that on any other living woman) but I'm worried the kids will be the only ones left dealing with his burdens.
His alcoholism is of the high functioning kind. He drinks about 5 x 500ml of high alcohol beer every night of the week. He never appears drunk, I would only realise too late when I would find myself in some conversation/argument that makes no sense and is full of rage and resentment, blame shifting etc. Resentment seethes through every pore of his body most of the time.
Any ideas/experience gratefully received.
Froggie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Well, what did the courts or mediator suggest? Every other weekend? If so, I'd say you had the tools to back that up and and keep it at that. If he's wavering from that schedule and it is interfering with the kids routine perhaps go back to the mediator to get some reinforcement. Routines are important for kids - especially under these situations.
As for your XAH being abusive towards the kids... it was my experience that it didn't effect them until they were going into their teenage years (12-13) - and showed some independence/distance towards their dad. He just couldn't handle that and became verbally abusive towards them. They had no respect for him and it wasn't until they got to this age that they began to voice it.
The bottom line is your children's safety. Sounds like you are carefully monitoring that to ensure they are safe.
I think it is fairly common for an alcoholic parent's involvement in their kids lives to slowly wane away... they have other things (the alcohol) that are more important in their lives! Hopefully, your X will be typical.
As for your XAH being abusive towards the kids... it was my experience that it didn't effect them until they were going into their teenage years (12-13) - and showed some independence/distance towards their dad. He just couldn't handle that and became verbally abusive towards them. They had no respect for him and it wasn't until they got to this age that they began to voice it.
The bottom line is your children's safety. Sounds like you are carefully monitoring that to ensure they are safe.
I think it is fairly common for an alcoholic parent's involvement in their kids lives to slowly wane away... they have other things (the alcohol) that are more important in their lives! Hopefully, your X will be typical.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 16
We haven't got as far as courts our mediator yet. He keeps going on about getting a mediator since I got my solicitor to send a letter about maintenance payments, but he hasn't organised one yet. I can't be bothered with mediation, as far as I'm concerned we could spend ages in mediation going around in circles with him acting "nice guy" which he's very good at and getting the mediator on his side. I know what I want, I just want to file for divorce and get my solicitor to do the best job they can of getting what I want, or close to it. I'm quite willing to abide by whatever the court eventually decides.
I think he is a) game playing and trying to set up precedents so a court will decide further in his favour than they would have 6 months ago b) too lazy (alcoholic) to get his act together and sort out the mediator.
Well why don't I just go ahead and file for a D? Because his reaction of course would be that I'm being aggressive or whatever. More of his nice guy stuff. Telling me to "be nice". Why the heck should I - he's not been nice to me. I think he feels as though mediation is a softer approach (for him) which is why he wants it. He says it is because lawyers are just out for money and cause arguments for the sake of it. I don't think this is true, IMHO men don't like D lawyers because finally the woman has someone sticking up for her, it makes the job of bullying a whole lot tougher.
I've just talked myself into getting on with it- LOL!
I think he is a) game playing and trying to set up precedents so a court will decide further in his favour than they would have 6 months ago b) too lazy (alcoholic) to get his act together and sort out the mediator.
Well why don't I just go ahead and file for a D? Because his reaction of course would be that I'm being aggressive or whatever. More of his nice guy stuff. Telling me to "be nice". Why the heck should I - he's not been nice to me. I think he feels as though mediation is a softer approach (for him) which is why he wants it. He says it is because lawyers are just out for money and cause arguments for the sake of it. I don't think this is true, IMHO men don't like D lawyers because finally the woman has someone sticking up for her, it makes the job of bullying a whole lot tougher.
I've just talked myself into getting on with it- LOL!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Nicely done frog!
Sometimes just putting it out in black and white helps us see our next step. It seems it is time for you to get a lawyer and get on with your future.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, right?!
Sometimes just putting it out in black and white helps us see our next step. It seems it is time for you to get a lawyer and get on with your future.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, right?!
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