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feeling the winds of change......

Old 09-16-2003, 01:30 PM
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feeling the winds of change......

Hi. I was doing the bills this morning and when I looked at the cell bill there were $40 in extra minutes charges. Is this truely enough to send me into depression? You see I canceled my long distance service on my home phone to try to cut costs. So now the cell phone bill goes up. I guess the feeling is I just can't win.

I think I am upset that soon I am going to have to become a new person. I am going to have to set firm limits and somehow make the others in my family carry more of the load and responsibility. I know there are ways to make that happen. But they entail standing up for myself and getting into conflict with my family. Silly as it sounds, I don't want to. I want my problems to just go away, and I want people to respect my goals without a fight.

I think that if it was just my children that I had to lay down the law to I think maybe I could. But to lay down the boundaries to my husband means being ready and willing to force the issue. Is it possible that I am too tenderhearted(no backbone) to make this transition? Oh fooey, I feel change a coming and it doesn't feel good............................
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Old 09-16-2003, 01:55 PM
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Rose,
You're not alone! I, too, have problems dealing with any kind of conflict. My sickness has made me to ANYTHING just to avoid it. I get anxiety attacks (shaky and shortness of breath) when faced with any kind of conflict and I literally cannot THINK. I also get extremely tired and just want to run away.

I don't know the answer to this other than to see your HP's help to make you strong. Sometimes instead of being depressed, I can make myself angry so that it's all I think about and it won't go away until I do something about it.

Just a couple of thoughts. I definitely understand how hard this is on you. I struggle with this all the time. You're right in that it's easier with your kids - after all they will still love you as you will always love them. We don't always have that same feeling with others that are close to us.

Big hug for you and a prayer for strength!!
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Old 09-16-2003, 02:13 PM
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Don't try to look at the whole picture. Do it a step at a time. Pick one thing you want to happen and go for it. Choose the smallest and easiest to work on. When that is working well go to the next. It overwhelms us to look at everything. It makes me want to sit down and not even try.

Pick something and think of the best way to approach it.
 
Old 09-16-2003, 02:43 PM
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Gee, I'm just the opposite. I work VERY hard at keeping my mouth shut and avoiding confrontation. I have no problem at all laying down edicts to either my children or my husband (or the school bus driver, the teacher, and the trainer! ) It just doesn't do me any good though...what have I proven? I'm trying hard to be more conciliatory and less of a b**** when I'm unhappy about something.

I'm working hard at not sweating the small stuff.
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Old 09-16-2003, 03:47 PM
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Hi Rose.

Dino solved his "extra charges" thing by changing phone plans. For something like $15 more a month he gets what would cost him a hundred bucks if they were "extra" minutes. I cancelled my long distance too, and only use calling cards so I don't get any surprises.

Sorry you're having to get tough. It's amazing how some folks won't make an effort on their own. Amazing.
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Old 09-16-2003, 05:23 PM
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Rose

Having to make changes that involve confrontation makes me want to go sit in the corner and drool. That comes from a lifetime of having to make those kind of changes and dealing with the consequences. In my dream life, I am the one who is taken care of...and I don't have to deal with things like that at all.
I love my dream life.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 09-16-2003, 05:45 PM
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Boy do I hate confrontations. Is it just me, or can some people just sniff us out. Some times it just seems like confrontational people single me out.


Just a thought.

Did you know you can get rid of your regular phone and just use your cell phone. The long distance plans are great.


Also if theres one group that you call a lot you might consider one of those nextel things where you share phones and the group can talk all they want to each other.


If you live in an area thats long distance from everyone else that you know then one thing you can do is get a cell phone with a telephone number from that area. Then even if you call from home the calls are local since theyre in the cell phones local area.
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Old 09-17-2003, 04:43 AM
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Thanks for your thoughts. MG, I like the idea of trying something small first. I have to think of something small, I keep thinking of the big stuff. I am sure there are small changes I can make.

Missybelle, don't get me wrong, I am not a sure nice gal. I yell and scream and can be a b****. But when it comes to really enforcing my boundaries, I go soft. All talk and not action.

Smoke, I am thinking about increasing my plan minutes, your right for $15 per month I can get 300 more anytime minutes. I am thinking it over. Maybe I should choose my battles, hubby calles his parents and brother daily. They are his closest friends and I really don't want him to be cut off from them. Its just that all costs seem to be going up and I need them to go down.

Gabe, that's me drooling in the corner. LOL. I just don't like making changes that make others unhappy.

Start small, ok here is one thing. Hubby leaves the lawn mower out in the lawn, sometimes in the front and sometimes in the back. I hate that, I like to have the mower put away. Also, hubby leaves the vaccum cleaner in what ever room that he has last vaccumed. I know what you are thinking, I should be happy he is vaccuming. But I hate to look at the vaccume cleaner every day with the cord lying on the floor. Smoetimes I put it away and the next day it is back out in the living room or bedroom. Ok two small things I would like to change. So how to make the change happen? I have tried asking him to put these things away after using them. I have tried screaming about it. I have explained why I don't want these things left out. None of this has worked. So how do I make him respect my wishes? This is where I have the most trouble. I think I am in the place where I either accept the situation the way it is or I ask him to move out because he won't put away the lawn mower. What middle ground have I missed? I have tried to accept the situation, but I get mad every time I see these things left out. Sometimes I don't get mad but I feel that overwelmed sinking feeling. Any suggestions?
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Old 09-17-2003, 06:08 AM
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Put a sign on them

"Help. I'm lost. Can you help me find my way home? I live in the garage at 4me2 Rose's House's Street."
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Old 09-17-2003, 07:27 AM
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Rose,

Those things you want to change about him are the things you should let go of. Stop nagging him about it. Leave it there or put it away but don't say a word anymore.

The first thing I started with was not telling Ward what to wear....and it was hard when faced with his choices!! Ward cooks a meal...but does he clean up?? Nope! He will wash a load of his cloths (he is not allowed to touch mine) but will he take them out of the dryer? Nope! I fold them and put them away.

How important is it??

Oh and a little rebellion would be to HIDE that mower!

Anything else you want to change about "HIM"?? (wink wink)

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Old 09-17-2003, 07:51 AM
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Had this for a while. Dont remember where I got It but Ive always thought it fit.

The more you try to control someone, the more control they have over you.


Dont sweat the small stuff. Pick battles that matter. Wouldnt it be easier to just accept that hes not going to do these things. In the time you spend trying to make him do them you could do them yourself 10 times. You wouldnt be stressed and he wouldnt have an attitude. Whats more important is that is he doing the big things that matter. Is he treating you right and is he not drinking.

Also this maybe his way of staying in control. In his eyes this may be a power struggle. He may not even be aware hes doing it. But subconciously he may not be doing these things just because your harping on them so much. A counselor once told me I was passive aggressive.

Pick your battles. Just dont be like me and give in too much cause arguing becomes too much work and it all seems like small stuff in comparison.
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Old 09-17-2003, 09:44 AM
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Ok, I get it that I am trying to change him. But help me out, I was trying to start small and choose something I would like to change. I understand that I can't change him. If I can't change him and he doesn't choose to change, then how can the situation ever change? So that gets me right back to accept the situation the way it is or get out. Only two choices, just accept the unacceptable and shut up about it.

Now I know I can change me. I can put a funny sign on the vaccume or I can hide the lawn mower or I can just put it away myself. So once again I am doing all of the compromising. I am doing all of the accepting of things I don't like.

What am I missing about boundaries? Maybe I don't have boundary issues at all. Maybe I just don't like him very much and don't like much of what he does? Maybe I am just super critical because I feel so abandoned in the relationship. Maybe if he wasn't spiritually sinking into a black hole, this stuff wouldn't matter. I think most of all I can't abide the soul sickness of it all.

Boy am I confused today.
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Old 09-17-2003, 10:13 AM
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Its taken me a long time to learn this.

You cant change other people. The only thing you can change is yourself. When you gamble your happiness on someone elses changing to please you then all you do is give them power over you.


Do I always practice this? Hell No. LOL. If I had my *?#!*?#!*?#!*?#! together I wouldnt be here. LOL.


If your happiness depends on his putting away the vacuum then he has the power to make you unhappy by not doing it. Do you want to give him that power.

Read your last paragraph. I think youre answering your own question. If he was fulfilling your other needs you wouldnt care about the vacuum. So leave the vacuum alone and concentrate on what matters.

Have you told him what you need. Sometimes theyre kinda dense and you have to spell things out. Dont do the you always thing. Try I really like it when you.....
Some of them are like kids. Praise works better than a stick. LOL.
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Old 09-17-2003, 10:28 AM
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After I posted I knew you would come back saying "WHAT!!??"

Here is the scoop...you cannot make him put the lawn mower away or the vacum, you can't make him get a job, you cannot make him feed the dog or stop drinking. You cannot change one thing about him. Accept it, accept HIM.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people places and things....HIM) the courage to to change the things I can (ME) and the wisdom to know the difference.

Since you are not going anywhere anytime soon, working on yourself is your only option. Personally fighting with Ward is unpleasant and I choose not to do it. If I really get going then I feel guilty for something I did or said and I don't want to feel quilty. If I yell at Ward it gives him an excuse to blame ME for his drinking.

When Ward crashed a coffee table I said nothing, however I did leave the mess for him to clean up...but I said nothing at all. You could read the confusion in his face! He would rather have me bitching so he could bitch back, than face his own embarrassment.

It may seem like always compromising but it isn't. It is taking care of YOU. How many times have you come here upset because you had lost your temper again? You don't enjoy feeling that way...I know you don't....so don't lose your temper. Pick one thing not to loose your temper about that usually gets you going...if you are anything like I was, when I came home from work I would blow up alot because the house was a mess. When I stopped doing that it was noticed big time by my family. I just made it a point to shut up and not blow, one day at a time. One less fight per day made MY life better.

Watch the dynamics. He will expect you to act as you always have and when you don't he will be watching and wondering.

Can you here me now??

Hugs,
JT
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Old 09-17-2003, 10:36 AM
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Yeah. What she said.

JT. You said it a LOT better than me.
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Old 09-17-2003, 01:21 PM
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Thanks Ladies, I do hear you now. That's exactly it, the one little thing I can focus on. Not blowing up anymore, over anything. I can feel mad but I don't have to blow up. I can run in my room and beat the pillow on the bed or something else. I can do this but it will be HARD.

I like the "I really like it when you..." Boy if I can just get smart enough to use that approach.

Today I think I got it, but will I forget tomorrow? Changing your thinking is like rolling Atlas' world up the hill, it just keeps coming down! LOL Up I go...........
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Old 09-17-2003, 01:52 PM
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If there are any co-dependents present. Here is a word for you in this scenario, are you with me? If I have a problem in my marriage, what do I really gain by continually confessing my wife's sins? By saying I'm not responsible. I make myself a powerless victim; I immobilize myself in a negative situation. I also diminish my ability to influence her---my nagging, accusing, critical attitude only makes her feel validated in her own weakness. My criticism is worse than the conduct I want to correct. My ability to positively impact the situation withers and dies.
If I really want to improve my situation, I can work on the one thing over which I have control--myself. I can stop trying to shape up my wife and work on my own weaknesses. I can focus on being a great marriage partner, a source of unconditional love and support. Hopefully, my wife will feel the power of proactive example and respond in kind. But whether she does or not, the most positive way I can influence my situation is to work on myself, on my being.

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Old 09-17-2003, 02:52 PM
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Pom Pom time!! Rose I think you got it!!

Now start small...pick one thing to focus on. For me it was not telling them what to wear...everytime I did it caused a huge fight. For you it will be something else.

Let us know what you choose and let us know how you do. And above all else do not beat yourself up if you blow it. Be aware and learn from it.

Ann wandered around in the beginning saying "I am powerless" for me it was the serenity prayer that I chanted in my car on the way to work.

Good work girl!!

(((Hugs)))
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Old 09-18-2003, 03:28 AM
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Good Morning Friends! I just had to share this story. Last night I went out to dinner with hubby and my sister and her husband. It was my sister's 15th wedding anniversary. I had called ahead to have them bring out a small cake for her. When the dinner was finished I asked my husband to ask the waitress for the cake. She said to my husband and I "Is this your first?" We laughed and said no it was my sister's anniversary. The waitress said "Oh I thought it was you because you are sitting so close together and you were holding hands earlier". Well hubby and burst out laughing and I said "Oh no, we hate each other"! Then everyone burst out laughing! It was a real eye opener of the things I do have in this relationship. Yes, we sit close together, hold hands, cuddle, laugh, and have some fun. I felt like saying to my higher power " Okokok, I GET IT! Focus on the positive and work on yourself and everything will be fine. You know I had asked to be able to hear my higher power's voice and even prayed about it with someone. Well I got my answer from you all and from a waitress. Many thanks
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Old 09-18-2003, 03:32 AM
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P.S. I think I will start with not complaining about the lawn mower or the vaccume cleaner being left out! From now on I just don't see it, or I will see it in my mind as lawn art and sculpture!!! By the way, when I got home yesterday, the lawn mower was put away in the garage for the hurricane!!!
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