Off topic - religious in-laws..
 

Can I keep asking you unrelated questions for the rest of my life? LOL

Bf's grandmom is Catholic.

Bf tells me we may visit her. But that would mean going to mass and he would be teaching me prayers, as grandmom can't go out of her home and some little services are held at her home.

To attend mass one time is one thing, I am respectful, but to go there on Sundays and spend my morning and afternoon doing stuff to please someone else? My bf is not even Catholic but as she is from a very small town, he does those things to make her happy.

I am not sure where is the line between "fitting in" and being a codie again trying to please everybody. I don't want to be a chamaleon again.

My only "solutions" so far are

/ never meeting her grandmom
/ going, but briefly, for lunch or something and avoid the times I know they do religious activities.

Comments welcome...........

I vote for solution #2.

I married a Catholic man in a Nuptial Mass....I'm Presbyterian. When I go to mass, I'm not expected to know the prayers, to genuflect, non-Catholics are not supposed to take communion in during a mass...never was a problem. Just do what you feel comfortable doing...no need to pray the rosary or make the sign of the cross or any of the rest of the Catholic rituals.

Hugs, HG

And there comes another thing. She lives in a town 2 hours away from ours. The original plan would be to spend the weekend there. And the grandmom can't get out of the house, but she wakes everybody up and makes sure they all go to mass. Then they hold some services at her own home.

If I don't go to mass I would be considered rude. (Well I consider rude to wake someone up to do something she does not want to do!). There seems no way out other than just going there for a while and leave... and if bf wants to spend the weekend, well I will be here doing my thing.

hydrogirl, yes sometimes I go for the social events, or when I had issues and no one to talk to... I can go.. no biggie, the thing is that for grandma and others it is SUPERIMPORTANT to "do everything correctly" and I don't think they see someone like me with good eyes. Oh well.

The good thing is that next week and weekend I will be superbusy at work so at least I will buy time ..........

How about just telling him the truth? That you are uncomfortable with that 'routine' and therefore will not be going with him?

It's not your bag. Obviously going and then resenting is not any good. Just tell him 'no thank you'. If he is the person you think he is, he will understand.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Might be his Grandma is a great old gal (sorry, thinking of my devout Catholic Grandma I lost recently).

hydrogal is correct though, you aren't expected to know all those things....and if they're pushy about it, well..I'd say no thanks (and I was brought up Catholic).

LOL
That sounds eerily familiar!
My mom used to be like that...in that she had everything planned and everyone was supposed to do as she had scheduled and etc.
It was nerve racking for us grown kids.
I once went horseback riding with the neighbor lady was 5 minutes late for dinner, which she hadn't told me about and she about had a meltdown. Whew! Enough, all ready.
My suggestion would be to get a hotel room, let her know you will be in town to visit...but also state in a friendly conversational way that you also have some plans of your own...that you are looking forward to.
swimming in the pool?
getting rest from work and enjoying the room with a great movie or book...that rare nap to rest from your busy work schedule....siestas are understood there?
I am just throwing things out there.
But in those situations, I plan in advance and have things like this at the ready for an out when I need or want one.

We are going to be visiting David's family for Thanksgiving and they are great, but I still know I will want an out for some time for myself and am all ready laying the groundwork for that.

hello tc-

i suppose it depends on your view of catholicism.

do you think that the only way to god is via jesus?
do you believe that mary is the mother of god?
do you pledge allegience to the catholic church?

during tha catholic mass, there are vows taken to the church, via the apostle's creed. there is also praying to jesus, mary to intervene on behalf of you, the sinner.

if i may speak personally, i follow jesus' advice to pray to god the father, as taught in the lord's prayer. i do not recall him ever saying to pray to mary, nor did he define her as the mother of god.

i no longer do things out of obligation.
i feel that participating in such rituals non-whole-heartedly is a lie.
i try to live my life in Truth.
i leave others to live their truth, without imposing mine on them.

so, to me, it depends on what you believe.

I personally think it's irrelevant what you believe, it's respect that's relevant. And respect is a two way street.
Is there no way you could go and have a good time whilst respecting her reilgious views (as is sounds like you do) and have her respect your views not to take part if you don't want to?

I may have missed something, I've been at work for the last 24 hours, I apologise if I have but that was my thought as I read your post.

It think it has been years since people where killed at the alter so maybe just paying respect for an elder might be in order. Why does it have to be option 1 or 2,, maybe 3..

My grandma (dad's mom) was uber-Catholic. She went to church daily. When we would go to visit her, we'd do the Sunday thing, but be out and about the rest of the time. It was a personal thing for her to go daily, but she did want us all there on Sundays. As a kid, it was boring as hell, and my mom was not thrilled with it, but we did it as a tradition thing and as a respect thing. My mom even converted to Catholicism before they got married, to appease her. I think, if I were in your shoes, I might just go for the first visit with an open mind and participate in whatever activities the family has planned. Then you could get a better idea of what you're in for if you visit in the future, and you'll have a better idea of how to avoid the stuff that you really didn't enjoy. Plus, you'd leave a really great first impression. I don't know if you've ever been to a Catholic mass, but they're pretty mellow and ritualistic and they're pretty short and sweet compared with some other denominations - in and out in an hour has always been my experience. And I've never heard a priest preach politics either, if that matters to you. I don't know if I could sit through an abortion, feminism, or homosexuality rant at this point in my life, which I sat through many-a time when I was living with Fundamentalists (a story for another day).

I must be misunderstanding?
Going to church to a mass is not objectionable to you, TC, right?
It is the other all day activities that you do not with to be a part of?
That is the way I understood?

Hello,

I can't say that I don't understand your dilemma. RAH is a Catholic...not practicing anymore, I believe they call it a Recovering Catholic : ) anyway...his parents are from Massachusetts and pretty devout to their rituals. I am an agnostic.

I have been to masses with them, and also sit quietly every time we have dinner to let them pray. I just consider it a very nice gesture and don't take anything personally. I don't mind going to church with them on occasion because I find it cultural and interesting. I just like spending time with them, and if that is what they believe, then I respect that. They know I'm an agnostic, and they never question or condemn me for it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't think it's being Codependent or people pleasing to sometimes be with people in an atmosphere you're not comfortable in. I don't necessarily like football, but I will watch or go to a game on occasion. I absolutely despise going to baby showers, but I go anyway, and Lord only knows how many bad movies I have sat through because I was with someone who absolutely HAD to see it!

I guess it all depends on how you look at things.

Best of luck to you, and Happy Thanksgiving

P.S. If anyone suggested that they wanted to teach me prayers, I would thank them very kindly for the nice gesture, but I would thankfully decline and suggest that I may go for a walk or go shopping, or cook some food while they did "their thing". I always keep in my head "To each, his own."

If merely going to Church is such a big problem, how will the two of you navigate the whole "living in sin" issue?

Oh, and she is not an "in law" is she? you didn't get married when we weren't looking did you?

My RAH and I have been together for 10 years now. I refer to him as my Husband, because between he & I... he is. We are in a committed relationship, without any stigmas. His family are devout Christians who don't pass judgment. I'm sure they would like it to be different, who knows? They don't get involved in that. Boy do I appreciate that.

A loving caring and supportive family would not pass judgment...and if they did, who cares? It's your life to live. :)

It can be done, because in my house, in my world...it is.

Just a share. :c031:

Honesty....... and if what they are doing is not something you believe and it is a conscious issue you could always go, if you want, but tell him you won't be participating anymore then to listen, if you even want to do that.

So then the question is does he still want you to go?

Would he want you to practice something you don't believe at the present?

As a christian there are certain religious Catholic activities i would refuse to participate in even though it is a "christian religion" as my conscience says the bible really teaches something different in regards to certain things that are "Catholic".

Thank you all for your comments.

When I lived in Singapore I took some Indian dance lessons... I loved the street the classes were held as it had a buddhist shrine, hindu temple and a mosque, the 3 of them just next to each other. Everyone paying their own respects, no fights, blood, airs of superiority or judgement. Respect... I wish it was like that everywhere....!

Ago, no I have not married! I said in-laws... perhaps it should have been "possible future in-laws"... as we are more or less aiming for marriage on the longer term (after a few more years).. we joke and already talk about "his mother in law" etc.

The "living in sin" issue is just his grandma's... but of course, my boyfriend is grandma's favorite.... so as he is "the male".. whatever he does... HE is accepted you know? the judgement of being sinful, having no morals, etc. is on me. (Welcome to Mexican Machism).

And now that you mention it.. I realize as I am thinking of sharing a home without being married, and bf already told her about those plans... Said Grandma already knows I do not have the same views as her....

Now the issue is if she will still be kind with me or not.. but... not my problem anyway right?

Usually I attend social events that include religious ceremonies.. like my graduation, someone's wedding, etc... no problem....

My bf told me "if grandma wakes us up to attend mass we can just go walk downtown, eat something and come back"


.....


Oh well. I just don't get those dynamics and lies...

Fortunately I got time to think what may be best... my mom told me, if the topic comes up, I can focus on our similarities... I do believe in God anyway... I believe in angels too (like energies that one can invoke in meditation..) .. I also believe in miracles... in that sense I have more in common with grandma than my bf who is an ATHEIST...

What a mess. LOL.

But yes, the solution so far is visiting just for lunch. Then as we know each other... if I am still invited after my first impression lol, we can make other arrangements...

Bf is confused too and he worries his family and some friends won't accept me... because of religion, or because my accent is different or because I come from the capital. I told him that I would be kind but if there is some remark or comment... I would speak up and be honest about my views...

Perhaps that is why he has not introduced me to anyone yet :lmao

And well he realizes all these things and is also becoming more distant with them... its like we both prefer to be alone or meet up instead of socializing with said people. We are making new friends that seem more in our wavelength...

Down here the Catholic church (as an institution) is very very powerful, and has a lot of say in social/political issues. For instance, condoms are banned in certain pharmacies because the owner doesn't believe in contraception. The-morning-after pill was also banned. Women who have abortions -for ANY reason, even rape- go to jail. Poverty is rampant yet they say women should have all the children God sends.

Statistics on violence against women come out and priests say, if women wouldn't use skirts, if women wouldn't provoke anger, this would not happen.

Not to mention the great number of child abuse commited by priests. So much harm is done using religion as a tool to keep the poor poor.. oh well. I just feel very strongly about this..

Just giving some background on my context. I am not criticizing personal beliefs...

I am rambling so much..... thanks a lot for taking the time to share your views!

God handed down the Truth and the Devil made it into religion. Drive yourself and if you are uncomfortable-leave -or I vote for #2.

I would go with option #2, speaking from experience. I'm Episcopalian by affiliation, but have family members who are United Pentecostal with whom I don't exactly share a common theology.
One has a habit of trying to completely take over the rest of the household when he's visiting by saying grace before meals while trying to drown out whoever took the initiative first, trying to force people into listening to his beliefs for several minutes on end, etc. I've had to flat-out refuse to even be around him when he starts "playing preacher." The ironic thing is-he's a recovering (?) alcoholic.
Having such differences can cause tension that doesn't need to exist. I know my situation's a bit different, but thought any input might help :)