Lotus2009

Hi all,

just wondering if there are people out there that are currently living with an active a spouse and are making it work through loving detachment???

I know that AH's treatment isn't working because he is doing it for me - not him. I have also noticed that if I get all stressed out/ cold towards him it is very unhealthy for me and I believe it also bad for him - as he grabs to the bottle if there is emotional pain (I know it's not my responsibility to make him feel good, but I think it's part of our cycle - he drinks, I get cold toward him, he feels rejected and acts out, I get stressed out, etc.). So I am faced with either physically seperating or figuring out how to live with him, while detaching with love.

So to those of you practicing loving detachment (and living with active a), what are some practical tips you can give? I.e. regarding cleaning, financial issues, intimacy...?

Adragonfly

I'm fairly new here and still learning alot of the terminology. I think I could say I'm living with an active alcoholic husband, through detachment.

I am by no means in a position to give advice, but right now this is the only thing that's working for me.

I'm probably older then most here (47) hubby has been actively drinking fr about 10 years, I'd consider him an alcoholic for at least the past 5 or 6. For years i made myself crazy, either trying to fix him, or figure out what I was doing wrong to make him turn away from me and to alcohol.

Now I like the mantra...i didn't cause it! Can't control it...and sure as hell can't fix it!

He is hateful when he drinks, but not physical.

as far as practical advice....
Financial...
We now have separate bank accounts. There are bills he is responsible for, and things I am (he makes 4 times my income). Our home is paid off, as is one vehicle. Only about 6 months of payments left on my car. At this point I've realized I'll never have another new vehicle (he's ruined our credit), and all the upkeep on my car falls to me. I also just have to accept the fact that often he will forget to pay bills and thing get shut off. Cable, phones, electric...whatever. It's embarrassing, but I don't have the money to cover all of it, so sometimes it just has to get turned off. I've tried taking money from the bills I cover to take care of things that are being shut off...but then he just drinks more and never pays me back...and my part of the bills suffer so that's not really an option.

Cleaning...
My hubby NEVER helped around the house. So nothing really changed there. I did move out of the bedroom due to the stench of liquor every night. I still wash the bedding from his room...weekly like everyone else's if he's stinky from sleeping in sweat booze smelly sheets it's his problem. He used to be responsible for the outdoor chores, but that has fallen apart now too. Think our yard got mowed maybe 4 times last summer. I used to nag him into mowing..but this summer he was so drunk, i worried he'd roll the mower (we live on a steep hill) so it was one of those things I had to just let go. He used to do the upkeep on the family vehicles...and that doesnt happen now either. Thank goodness I have a 20 year old son who is willing to help me with things when they crop up.

Intimacy...
We work separate shifts, so weekends used to be our snuggle time. Mostly now weekends he's indulged to much to do anything. I honestly dont think he understands that the amount of alcohol he's drinking is messing up his performance. he seems to blame me when he can't hold an erection...and i get alot of hateful comments about everything from my weight to my bad choice in clothes (this from a guy who wears the same dirty sweatsuit every single day after work)! This is actually the hard one for me...I LIKE sex...and he knows it..so likes to use it against me it seems. Hard to explain I guess.

I try to look on his addiction as an illness. BUT IT"S FRICKEN HARD!
I wouldnt leave a husband just because he had cancer and couldnt help around the house, or have sex. So I TRY to use that as a reminder. Sometimes it works....sometimes I'm ready to toss his things out the door!

I realize my position is different...my kids are grown, and we've been married 28 years. Lots of ups and downs in the marriage. I'm trying to look at this as a temporary down.

But I'm honest enough to say....the longer the addiction drags on..and the more intense the drinking, I'm not sure If I'll be able to stick it out. So for now I'm detached. I never argue with him over alcohol. Try not to have much of any serious conversation when he's drinking since his reaction is so unpredictable. I fnd lots of ways to build up my self esteem (chaperone kids mostly) and try not to take to serious what he says when he's drunk.

It's not easy, but it's where I'm at right now.
Good luck

kittykitty

I'm new here, and working on alot of issues, but I need to send some love your way adragonfly...

I pray that you realize you deserve a better life than you are living now. I watched my mother die of colon cancer 10 years ago, and I've known quite a few people who have suffered and survived that ordeal, and what he is doing, his "disease", is nothing like cancer. Life is too short to be someone's doormat. You really do deserve better than that.

sofacat

Hi Lotus,

My RAH is just past 60 days sober, so this topic is pretty fresh in my memory. (Mind you he has only been home 30 of those 60 days!)

Here was my pattern living with an AH.

I would wake up in the morning, and it would be the happiest freest part of my day, because I would know that he was sober in the morning. That's when I was at my best and we would have our best conversations together over coffee.

Then, it's off to work. Work was a great escape for Me because I knew I would be around sober people all day and my mood would just be great...until it was time to go home. Sometimes I would just linger around after work and stall going home because I didn't know "who" I would be going home to. I do own my own business, and sometimes I would just stay there with the lights off and wonder if I should just sleep there. It was quiet there, peaceful and I felt safe.

Then of course I would pull myself up to go home. I missed my dogs, so I needed to go home. The drive home from work would usually involve me having a conversation with myself about how I was not going to react to him if he was using. (My RAH's drug of choice was Opiates.) I would tell myself that it was his problem and I would just do the things that I wanted to do for myself and not react to him. Heh...easier said than done.

Then the usual pattern would start, He would come to the door and instead of a big hug, kiss and smile...I would look at his pupils first. Then the kiss and sometimes forced smile would come. If he was noticeably high...my chest would immediately get tight and I would be overcome with fear and anger. My unhealthy weapon of choice is passive aggression, so you could imagine the forced smiles and quiet scrutiny I would throw his way. Usually I would have dinner and go to my room. We have a TV in there, so I would just disappear watching TV or sit with my laptop. I just couldn't stand the sight of him and the Opiates would just leave him vacant and unavailable. I would just stay in my room and stew. Sometimes I would get mad enough to get up and go out to "bait" him to see if he would "come clean." That never happened and it usually turned into an argument. I felt so trapped and alone.

Throw in occasional snooping through e mails and phone logs, checking his pockets of his clothes to see if pills were in there, and desperately trying to find his stash so I could bust him...the cycle would start all over again the next day.

It was like I was living with Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde...never knowing who was going to be there when I got home.

So you asked about intimacy...there wasn't any. At all! We were friends, and had a good time just being with each other...but the pills rendered him sexually "unable" and the emotional roller coaster wiped out any feelings I may have had when it came to that. It's almost as if the "sober" days were enough, and a break from all the chaos. We still aren't intimate, and have talked about it taking some time to rebuild. How can you share yourself with someone you don't trust? Very difficult for a woman to do.

Have you figured out what your boundaries are for yourself in this relationship?

I had to come up with these while my H was in Rehab. It wasn't easy trying to figure out what my needs were and what I would no longer tolerate anymore...but I did it, and I will not waiver.

Part of these boundaries was the issue of money-
For 6 months to a year he would have to direct deposit his paychecks into my account.
We came up with a fair amount he needed for himself weekly and the rest stays in the account. I have control over the bills. No exceptions.

As for the cleaning question, well he was so jacked up on pills that he was constantly doing laundry, yard work, and cooking...he would just usually break something or "accidentally" leave the dog outside. May I suggest a chore list in your house? That may work.

I can say that this site kept me great company through those days he was using and really helped me see that I will no longer choose to be emotionally hostage in my own house. I will never go back to living like that. The great thing is, I found this site trying to look for help for him. Funny how that worked out!

Detaching from an active A is very difficult. I still look at my RAH sideways and even had a "codie" relapse just a few weeks ago. I did get myself to my first Alanon meeting this week. I think face to face time really helped. I am going this Sunday as well. I suggest you do the same and connect with people you can talk and relate to. We can use all the help we can get!

One day at a time for us. I hope today was a good one for you.
I wish you all the best, I really do...and know that you are definitely NOT alone.

Lotus2009

Thank you for your long replies!!! I love this Forum

Adragonfly - yes, your position is a little different than mine... while you have been with your H for 28 yrs, my H and I are just starting out (married a little under a year). What is the same though is that they are both A's. The way your life with your AH is right now sounds a lot like mine - financial issues (due to his drinking) and he is not helping with household chores. I am glad that you are doing things for yourself... are you happy though? I read the part about your AH making hateful comments about your appearance. I know how much it hurts to hear things like that, even if you tell yourself not to take anything he says serious when he's drunk. My AH doesn't make fun of my appearance, but he can get very condescending and mean when drunk. I didn't realize until a couple of months ago (when I left for a week) that it actually ended up damaging my self-esteem (even though I knew that nothing he said about me was true). And I'm still trying to figure out how to get a better boundary in place for that sort of thing (he has backed off a little since, mainly because he can sense that I have my strength back). So I do hope you have a boundary in place to let him know that it is not ok for him to talk to you that way!?!


Sofacat - So much of what you said rings true for me. Especially the coming home after work and intimacy part of it. Intimacy is a big issue... I get a lot of s*** from AH for not "satisfying his needs", but as you said the emotional rollercoaster makes it really hard for me to want to have this type of closeness with him (so he just has to deal with that). I love the way you worded it "How can you share yourself with someone you don't trust? Very difficult for a woman to do." - so true.
As far as boundaries go, I have a lot of work to do (I had set a few but consistently enforcing them hasn't really worked too well for me). BUT this is partly why I was asking these questions - trying to figure out how to get good boundaries into place. I will try the chore list (not sure if it'll be successful, because I have no idea how to enforce it - i.e. washing dishes - I have bought plastic dishes in the past, because I got sick of being the only one doing dishes, but pots and pans, etc. stayed in the kitchen and he still managed to dirty them up and then leave them in the sink for a couple of months - yuck!! lol, as you can see, it hasn't worked too well). As far as money goes, my MIL suggested keeping a sort of ledger, so I am going to try that starting December. But what if he just comes up short every month anyways. What do you do if your AH just decides to keep his paycheck for himself one week?
In the end I hate the fact that I have to be the one making sure we have money for bills each month and that chores are getting done - I'm not his caretaker and he is not a child - argh!
Hope you had a good day aswell

mamaplus2kids

Sofacat! I had a similar experience. I LOVED going to work for the same reason you stated. I loved being with sober people all day! Which explains why I worked such long hours and avoided my home life, including my children. Now that my AXH is out of the house, I like being home with my children and have cut back the work.

sofacat

Is he satisfying your needs?
That came up in my relationship too...but the bottom line was He wasn't satisfying my needs emotionally and I was incapable of just "having sex" with someone I wasn't attracted to at the time. "Wasted" isn't cute. With all that resentment, fear, anger, worry, and uncertainty how are you supposed to feel sexy?



This was the hardest part of my recovery. It had been so long ( a lifetime considering I am an ACOA ) that I asked myself "What do I need?" It was easy for me to write down all the ways in which his addiction had affected me, but boundaries...well that was tricky. I came on this site to see if anyone had posted theirs just to get an idea of what they should be like, I searched the internet too...at the end of the day your boundaries are exactly that...yours.

Remove yourself from the chaos, go to a quiet safe place and think...what will you no longer tolerate in your life. Then start writing them down, one at a time. It took me a week to think of them. It was an assignment from his counselor in rehab, so I had to have them ready by a certain date. That was pretty frustrating, but it forced me to have to think about myself.

The trickiest part of the boundaries list was not controlling his addiction with them, but just establishing the life I want to live. For example, you can't control his drinking, but you can control what is acceptable in your house. If he wants to drink, that's his choice...but he doesn't have to drink in your house or around you. Make sense?



I hear this is a problem in even sober houses! You're a grown woman...you can enforce it. Stand your ground and good luck with this one!

What would a Landlord do if someone weren't paying their rent? Or the Bank if you didn't make the Mortgage payments?

I used to fear that I wouldn't be able to make it financially without him. Until I actually realized that he was costing me more money than if I lived alone. That was a big part of my "codie" brain thinking I couldn't handle it by myself. It's not the fifties..yes we can! And at the end of the day, I was handling it all by myself, just as you are now. Wears you out, doesn't it?

Glad you are here, you are taking such a big step by reaching out. It helps us all to share our experiences with each other, it really does.

This Thanksgiving, I give thanks to you and everyone else who is working through this together. It has helped me so much, just as it will help you.

We are here today.

P.S. I am going to my second ALANON meeting tonight. Have you thought about attending one in your area? The cool thing is you don't have to speak if you don't feel like it. I can't tell you how refreshing it was to actually hear people speaking who are thinking just like me! Everyone was so friendly when they found out it was my first meeting. This might be an excellent outlet for you..away from all the chaos surrounded by people who "get it".

Chrysalis123

In my state all debts are viewed 50-50 in a divorce. Please look into what you are getting yourself into while married to an active financially irresponsible A. There are plenty of stories of devoted and detached spouses in financial ruin due to the actions of the A.

Also plenty of stories of detached spouses that acted as the parental figure throughout the marriage and....... you can fill in the blank.

Lotus2009

thanks again - sofacat - I really appreciate your detailed answers !
I have gone to several online AlAnon chat meetings and have gone to a couple of f2f meetings (I have been pretty busy lately so I haven't really gone back, but I am planning on doing some insight work and finding an AlAnon group I really like, starting december - once my semester is over).

Have a great Sunday!