GF Using Again-should I walk away?
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Join Date: May 2009
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GF Using Again-should I walk away?
Here is my story in short. I started dating someone in April. I didn't initially know she had a history of drug/alcohol abuse. She primarily had been using Xanax. She started using during her previous marriage when she was abused and also she had a serious accident on a horse-she nearly died from the accident. I know those are not excuses, but it made me more accepting that she was going through a rough time.
We basically have ended up living together, and I do love her very much. The good times are really good. However, the bad times are really bad. When she drinks she becomes self absorbed, mean, and abusive. She will quit or at least make it not apparent to me that she is using but just this week she started drinking again-she was lying and absusive toward me a couple of nights. . She told me she was not drinking last night-I sensed she had been. She is on house arrest because of a DUI-her parole officer happened to come by last night and gave her a breathalyzer and she had been drinking. She had lied to me. I knew she had taken something or drank something-it takes me less than a second for me to tell she is under the influence of something..she will deny it, but I know better.
I really could not believe she would be drinking while under house arrest for a DUI-neither could her probation officer. I heard their conversation. She said she drank because she was depressed because she was on house arrest? I know, that doesn't make any sense.
I am not sure what to do. The good times are really good. The bad times are really bad. I care for her deeply, but I am not sure if I should just walk away.
I am very caring, sometimes too caring. I am moving temporarily back home with a parent until this is all straightened out.
She is saying that I am walking away from her when it is getting tough. If you knew how many chances I have given her to clean up and stop acting abusivem then people would know I am not walking out on her. I am not sure what, if anything, can scare her straight and get her to stop using.
We basically have ended up living together, and I do love her very much. The good times are really good. However, the bad times are really bad. When she drinks she becomes self absorbed, mean, and abusive. She will quit or at least make it not apparent to me that she is using but just this week she started drinking again-she was lying and absusive toward me a couple of nights. . She told me she was not drinking last night-I sensed she had been. She is on house arrest because of a DUI-her parole officer happened to come by last night and gave her a breathalyzer and she had been drinking. She had lied to me. I knew she had taken something or drank something-it takes me less than a second for me to tell she is under the influence of something..she will deny it, but I know better.
I really could not believe she would be drinking while under house arrest for a DUI-neither could her probation officer. I heard their conversation. She said she drank because she was depressed because she was on house arrest? I know, that doesn't make any sense.
I am not sure what to do. The good times are really good. The bad times are really bad. I care for her deeply, but I am not sure if I should just walk away.
I am very caring, sometimes too caring. I am moving temporarily back home with a parent until this is all straightened out.
She is saying that I am walking away from her when it is getting tough. If you knew how many chances I have given her to clean up and stop acting abusivem then people would know I am not walking out on her. I am not sure what, if anything, can scare her straight and get her to stop using.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Welcome pitguy, you have found a great place. We talk about the 3 c's around here:
You didn't cause this
You can't cure this
You can't control this.
There is nothing you can do to force her to do anything. She is an adult and gets to decide how she wants to live. So do you.
Some people decide to give their partner the gift of choice and step back and allow them to live their lives and enjoy all the consequences (good and bad) of their choices. I'm sure your GF has heard you say what you think about the drinking and drugs. Did that change anything?
Perhaps step back, allow yourself time to learn more about addiction and about caring too much. Pull up a chair and read around this site. I learned a lot from the stickies found at the top of the forum. In the meantime watch her actions.....Actions are more important than words when dealing with people suffering from addictions....and if she seeks recovery through counseling or some type of 12 step program, stays sober for longer than a year, and you can see and sense changes in her, perhaps a relationship is possible.
You didn't cause this
You can't cure this
You can't control this.
There is nothing you can do to force her to do anything. She is an adult and gets to decide how she wants to live. So do you.
Some people decide to give their partner the gift of choice and step back and allow them to live their lives and enjoy all the consequences (good and bad) of their choices. I'm sure your GF has heard you say what you think about the drinking and drugs. Did that change anything?
Perhaps step back, allow yourself time to learn more about addiction and about caring too much. Pull up a chair and read around this site. I learned a lot from the stickies found at the top of the forum. In the meantime watch her actions.....Actions are more important than words when dealing with people suffering from addictions....and if she seeks recovery through counseling or some type of 12 step program, stays sober for longer than a year, and you can see and sense changes in her, perhaps a relationship is possible.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2
Thank you for the response. She was going to a private therapist. However, I do not believe she really wanted to get better. She has an attitude about drugs/alcohol or at least alcohol that she should be able to enjoy it from time to time.
My main problem with the use is the lying. If she would have been honest with me, then there may not have been a fight, but I confront her on the lies and then fights start.
I hate to sound negative as I really would like to give someone the benefit of the doubt. However, I find it to be ridiculous that she would drink when she is on house arrest for a DUI. I am not sure what, if anything, will cause her to go straight and not engage in destrucive behaviors. I rarely, if ever, drink so it is hard for me to understand the thought process with her. I know if I ever got in trouble with drinking, I would never touch the stuff again, especially if it was causing me problems in my relationship.
My main problem with the use is the lying. If she would have been honest with me, then there may not have been a fight, but I confront her on the lies and then fights start.
I hate to sound negative as I really would like to give someone the benefit of the doubt. However, I find it to be ridiculous that she would drink when she is on house arrest for a DUI. I am not sure what, if anything, will cause her to go straight and not engage in destrucive behaviors. I rarely, if ever, drink so it is hard for me to understand the thought process with her. I know if I ever got in trouble with drinking, I would never touch the stuff again, especially if it was causing me problems in my relationship.
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Originally Posted by pittguy578 
I am not sure what, if anything, can scare her straight and get her to stop using.
My ex didn't know I was an alcoholic when she met me. We drank together, the good times were very good, we had a family together and a nice home. I had similar patterns as your GF, I'd drink....stop....hide my booze, deny when confronted, had an excuse for everything. That pattern was repeated over and over for 11 years. The good times became rarer, the bad times got a lot worse.
Nothing that she said or did could get me to stop drinking.
And believe me, she tried, begged, pleaded many times. Eventually she asked for a divorce and threw me out. That did the trick, I found my way to recovery.
I don't think there's anything wrong with loving and caring for someone when they enrich our lives and love us back in a healthy way, but there's also self-love and self-care. Are we taking care of ourselves and our best interests when we're allowing someone to be abusive towards us?
Have you considered Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or codependency meetings, any type of support for your recovery?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by pittguy578
Thank you for the response. She was going to a private therapist. However, I do not believe she really wanted to get better. She has an attitude about drugs/alcohol or at least alcohol that she should be able to enjoy it from time to time.
My main problem with the use is the lying. If she would have been honest with me, then there may not have been a fight, but I confront her on the lies and then fights start.
I hate to sound negative as I really would like to give someone the benefit of the doubt. However, I find it to be ridiculous that she would drink when she is on house arrest for a DUI. I am not sure what, if anything, will cause her to go straight and not engage in destrucive behaviors. I rarely, if ever, drink so it is hard for me to understand the thought process with her. I know if I ever got in trouble with drinking, I would never touch the stuff again, especially if it was causing me problems in my relationship.
My main problem with the use is the lying. If she would have been honest with me, then there may not have been a fight, but I confront her on the lies and then fights start.
I hate to sound negative as I really would like to give someone the benefit of the doubt. However, I find it to be ridiculous that she would drink when she is on house arrest for a DUI. I am not sure what, if anything, will cause her to go straight and not engage in destrucive behaviors. I rarely, if ever, drink so it is hard for me to understand the thought process with her. I know if I ever got in trouble with drinking, I would never touch the stuff again, especially if it was causing me problems in my relationship.
To the world of alcoholism/addiction.
Yeah, it's sounds unbelievable, but that is what they do. The only choice you have is to decide if you want to be a part of her problem, from what you've wrote in these posts, it doesn't sound like she's interested into any solutions to her problems.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi pittguy.
I too moved in with a bf. Same story. I always got the feeling I was secondary to the drink. And I was. When he drank and insulted me, when there were bad times I could not believe it was the same person with whom I have shared wonderful moments.
Then I learned about Alcoholics. About active alcoholics in denial.
I would suggest for you to move elsewhere. She says you walk away? well you have said you are not ok with her way of drinking. And she does not seem to care at all as she is still doing it. The one walking away from you is her. The one not willing to see herself in honesty, not willing to see the impact her acts have in you, is her.
That is called "denial".
You cannot do much else. You have done enough.
Perhaps leaving may add to her list of losses. Perhaps leaving may make her hit bottom earlier.
Perhaps she will die denying her problem. None of those outcomes are in your hands.
Fast forward a year and I am with someone without addictions. 99% of our time together are good times. And the bad times, well the other one admits the mistake, we talk, we are uncomfortable, but we agree on something and trust is kept intact. We are honest. No more Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
And... this ex keeps drinking. The last thing I heard, he has not arrived drunk to work lately. And his friends were happy about that, think he has improved a lot.
Don't be surprised if he gets a drinker partner almost right away and throws how happy they are in your face. You see, its just the drink. If you do not agree, you are "the bad guy", the enemy, the boring one, loser whatever. If you drink with them, you are everything. That is not love.
Your life is too valuable to lose it waiting for something that may never happen. There are great healthy women out there that have much more in common with you. Hugs!
I too moved in with a bf. Same story. I always got the feeling I was secondary to the drink. And I was. When he drank and insulted me, when there were bad times I could not believe it was the same person with whom I have shared wonderful moments.
Then I learned about Alcoholics. About active alcoholics in denial.
I would suggest for you to move elsewhere. She says you walk away? well you have said you are not ok with her way of drinking. And she does not seem to care at all as she is still doing it. The one walking away from you is her. The one not willing to see herself in honesty, not willing to see the impact her acts have in you, is her.
That is called "denial".
You cannot do much else. You have done enough.
Perhaps leaving may add to her list of losses. Perhaps leaving may make her hit bottom earlier.
Perhaps she will die denying her problem. None of those outcomes are in your hands.
Fast forward a year and I am with someone without addictions. 99% of our time together are good times. And the bad times, well the other one admits the mistake, we talk, we are uncomfortable, but we agree on something and trust is kept intact. We are honest. No more Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
And... this ex keeps drinking. The last thing I heard, he has not arrived drunk to work lately. And his friends were happy about that, think he has improved a lot.
Don't be surprised if he gets a drinker partner almost right away and throws how happy they are in your face. You see, its just the drink. If you do not agree, you are "the bad guy", the enemy, the boring one, loser whatever. If you drink with them, you are everything. That is not love.
Your life is too valuable to lose it waiting for something that may never happen. There are great healthy women out there that have much more in common with you. Hugs!
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Another perspective for you to ponder regarding the "excuses".
I am an avid equestrian and have had my share of accidents while riding, including a horse falling while I was still on him so he landed on me.
I have never used xanax, alcohol or any other substances to get through that type of "rough time" and neither has anyone I ride with regularly. This includes people who have broken their backs, necks and had other serious "near death" injuries.
There is no such thing as a "good" excuse for addiction.
I am an avid equestrian and have had my share of accidents while riding, including a horse falling while I was still on him so he landed on me.
I have never used xanax, alcohol or any other substances to get through that type of "rough time" and neither has anyone I ride with regularly. This includes people who have broken their backs, necks and had other serious "near death" injuries.
There is no such thing as a "good" excuse for addiction.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
I'm also an equestrian. A buddy of mine was on a trail ride. Bees attacked. Horses went nuts. His reared up, lost it's balance, and they both went crashing and rolling end-over end down the mountain. When they landed, the horse stepped on his throat when it got up. He broke a lot of ribs, his leg, took awhile to recover. He didn't take Xanax. He took ibuprofen and as soon as he healed, he was back to riding horses.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
"If you knew how many chances I have given her to clean up and stop acting abusive "
Empty threats don't change anything.
Stop focusing on her and determine what you want in a partner.
Determine what steps you must take to stop the insanity in your life.
Nothing changes if nothing changes... Let it begin with you as that is all that you have
any control over.
Empty threats don't change anything.
Stop focusing on her and determine what you want in a partner.
Determine what steps you must take to stop the insanity in your life.
Nothing changes if nothing changes... Let it begin with you as that is all that you have
any control over.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Personally I had to learn there is no "two" people, there is no "good times and bad times" that to date someone is to accept the good with the bad, as they are right now, today, not engage in some sort of pie in the sky wishful thinking the person was going to change or get better. Any relationship plan I have ever had in my life that relied on someone else changing not only failed miserably, but kept me stuck in relationships years after I should have left.
So in the same situation I had to ask myself was the lying and abuse worth it, because don't kid yourself, it's part of the package.
She sounds like a fairly normal addict/alcoholic and so far I would guess you have been exposed to about 10% of her ********, stick around to see the other 90% if you want. That is from my sober alcoholic viewpoint.
up to you
So in the same situation I had to ask myself was the lying and abuse worth it, because don't kid yourself, it's part of the package.
She sounds like a fairly normal addict/alcoholic and so far I would guess you have been exposed to about 10% of her ********, stick around to see the other 90% if you want. That is from my sober alcoholic viewpoint.
up to you
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
She sounds like a fairly normal addict/alcoholic and so far I would guess you have been exposed to about 10% of her ********, stick around to see the other 90% if you want.
for myself, one of the mistakes i made was to assume that my alcoholic thought in similar ways as i did. he didn't. everything was to protect the drink.
pittguy, this is why she can drink on house arrest, while you can't understand how a sane person would do this. it's all about the drink.
one warning, pittguy. if you do move home with your mother, i would render a guess that she will go out of her way to appear to get her drinking under control. this is much easier for her to do when you are not there to watch it as her roommate. don't be fooled!
how will you know if she really is in recovery? from what i have seen, those in recovery have a certain *glow* about them. a new humility which comes from courageously facing themselves and taking steps to make amends and put the past right. it will be obvious.
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I kicked my RAH out of my house when he was at his lowest point. I didn't participate the way I always would have before in his rehab or recovery. I have not been there for him every step of the way since he has been home.
WHY? I must be the worst wife ever!
I made him leave because by staying, we were getting in the same car, traveling down the same road, expecting to end up at a different place. I didn't participate in his rehab and recovery as I would have in the past because then it becomes a shared burden that wasn't mine to share. It was solely his - his journey alone - and it had to become his responsibility to get sober. I have not been there for him every step of the way since he has been home because I am focused on changing my future and healing myself. His needs no longer come before my own.
What are you doing for you?
WHY? I must be the worst wife ever!
I made him leave because by staying, we were getting in the same car, traveling down the same road, expecting to end up at a different place. I didn't participate in his rehab and recovery as I would have in the past because then it becomes a shared burden that wasn't mine to share. It was solely his - his journey alone - and it had to become his responsibility to get sober. I have not been there for him every step of the way since he has been home because I am focused on changing my future and healing myself. His needs no longer come before my own.
What are you doing for you?
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