wanting

I think it's wise to take others' experience under consideration, but I was surprised at the responses too, because the main thing that stood out for me was seeing that you are moving from being angry and hating the man to being detached with love. I think it's a great place to be. Just remember that he is on his own path now, and so are you.

transformyself

Thank you wanting, I appreciate it. There are others too who heard me and I didn't acknowledge them.

I know why this has triggered me, too I think.

Look up secondary wounding. I know what he experienced last night was real and true and when others dismiss or deny a victim's statement of their abuse it creates secondary wounding. What do we do with perpetrators of violence against women and children in society?

We protect the abuser. And, we blame the victim.

I know we've all been damaged by, abused by alcoholics here. I understand that.
But I can't stand by while you folks accuse someone you don't even know of making this **** up to try to manipulate me.

I told you that's not what happened. The rest of my anger is due to feeling unheard and invalidated. I know what I know. I didn't come here asking for you to read between the lines or think you know my situation better than I do.
Sure there are times when I need advice, but this is something else. Boundary crossing, I think. It hurts my feelings, as I see this as a safe place.

Thanks for listening.

good_luck

Hello again.

I can see that this is a difficult subject for you, and I am sorry that you are having such a rough time. I'd like to clarify that I do not think that my ex made up his abuse, nor do I see any indication that others felt this was the case in their personal experiences.

I shared my story because I related to what you had written. It was in no way an assumption that your experience was the same or would be the same. I'm sorry that it read differently than that. Perhaps after some time passes it will read differently; perhaps it helped someone else more than it helped you. Obviously, I did not write it with an intention to offend, and I truly apologize for the fact that it did.

That said, your angry response falls well outside the parameters of what I consider to be appropriate for this forum. While I am no longer in the midst of turmoil, revisiting a painful time causes a great deal of vulnerability for me. I'd like this to be a safe space, for everyone too, and I think we all bear equal responsibility in that regard.

I have no interest in discussing this further, but I thought it was important to mention that.

Best wishes on your journey. I hope you can find peace and happiness, even in the midst of all the ugliness the world sometimes throws at us.

Startingover2

I (and probably everyone else) didn't mean to offend you. We are here for YOU. Yes, your exh is a human being and its awful what he had to endure but us sharing our experiences with you was just for your own protection....so you wouldn't backslide from how far you have come. Ok, yes...what your exh said was true, but we all wanted you to see that there are many out there that use this kind of stuff as manipulation and that last thing we all wanted was for you to fall back.

If you think you are strong enough to handle it, great! I personally would want to run and comfort my exh if I heard that. It would take everything I have not to.

Please don't take offense. We all heard you and if you look back we all were concerned with your well being.

transformyself

Thanks.
My frustration lies in not being heard.

I was very clear many times that I do not want to run and comfort him. Or get sucked back into destructive patterns.

Yes, I too want this to be a safe place. I see my anger as an appropriate response to repeatedly having my situation turned into something it is not. To having folks I trusted not listening to me.

So thanks and for the record we can all let this go now. Things in cyber space tend to stay stuck, even when we've moved past it.

That's another thing that really frustrated me. I had a great day, but every time I came here, I felt like my situation was being twisted into something ugly, something I"m not doing.

GiveLove

I'll close this thread so it can't upset you any more. You have received both supportive and cautionary responses, all good, all valid, and I think it's great that you've clarified what your feelings are on the matter, so let's move on. Sounds like you have a good handle on your recovery. Good luck with this situation, Transform!