do not answer the phone! doh!
 

I just do not know when I will learn. I have contacted my old Al Anon group, started seeing a therapist who has experience with addiction issues, as well as children in addictive families, I have begun to write, am painting, getting ready to move...playing some music again...

Then the phone rings at 1145pm, and I know better, but I answer.

He is asking what it would take for him to come home, even though he knows this was all my fault, that he left me.
I said we would need to have a mediator or therapist. That he would have to consider treatment. I said I was concerned about his recent behavior.

He was normal, and reasonable, and kind of sweet and then, BAM Mr Hyde burst in, and he flipped.

He said he would talk to me on Saturday, I said I worked, and that his mom had our son that day, but she would probably arrange to meet him if he wanted to spend time w/ child.

He just switched, voice changed, said, " F you, I WILL see my son. I know what your doing. I can see right through you..."

I said why do you even think anyone is trying to keep your son from you? Its just not true.

He said, "because you are no good."

I excused myself from the phone call, and hung up.

Why cant I learn? What is wrong with my brain?

HMMMMMMMM....I don't take anyone's calls after 9pm unless they are pre-arranged and agreed upon!
It's just not civil! LOL

hi buffalo-

like you, i resisted no contact.

now, i know that there really isn't any other way, if you are truly done.

i changed my phone number and went unlisted. peace!

you know already where every single conversation is going to end...it will end in blaming you...

do you need to continually upset yourself?

change your number. he'll get that message, loud and clear.

naive

if i may add,

for 10 months, mine would ask "what do i have to do?"

to which i responded "stop drinking. stop working as a bouncer. do the 12 steps. get a sponsor"

for 10 months, i said the same thing.

you know what, when he called, he'd ask the same question again. to which i would respond the same.

and what did he do? he drank, he threatened, he asked the same question, he kept working at the door, he drank. oh, and he'd call and ask me the same question.

enough is enough!

Man this alcoholism is ugly, mysterious, brutal stuff. And it's no wonder more women are codie than men, we're hardwired to LOVE and NURTURE.

But this disease is insidious. You can't love enough to nurture an alcoholic. At least I can't and don't want to. It's drowning man syndrome..go ahead and try to help him, he'll drown you as well..

Thanks Naive. brilliant as usual..

Well, I know many men who are full of love and nurturing - those aren't female only attributes. On the flip side, I know women who are not in the least loving or nurturing.

Buffalo
Oh how I can relate to the regret after picking up the phone. No matter how pleasantly it begins......the A will turn it into something ugly. And it becomes an attack. And if we have ONE half way decent conversation with them....our hope lights up like a morning sun. Even though that one conversation was only "half way decent".

Don't beat yourself up. Do something nice for you today....you deserve it.

gentle hugs

If yours is anything like mine.. he will start off kind, sweet and loving. Then he will ask something like "what's wrong?" or "what do I have to do" or bring up a sore subject intentionally, but with a tone of kindness.

That's a full blown setup. He knows why I'm upset, he knows how I feel about x Y or z... he knows I'm mad at him. HOWEVER UNLESS I validate him 100% with my response, thereby contradicting everything I feel and think, and put him on the pedestal, and CONVINCINGLY tell him that either 'everything is great' or that the thing I'm upset about doesn't bother me because I see he's working hard or whatever..... then he turns into the monster.

Then I get my earful.

The kindness is a setup, the question is the hook, and if you don't give them what they want to hear, which is 'you don't have to change I love you so much and you're doing everything perfectly and I'm not even upset about it' then ... well watch out.


I didn't mean to stereotype for everyone, but this is what mine is like. I don't fall for the trap anymore. I just ignore the questions.

No contact is difficult of course when there are children involved. You can set agreed upon visitation, arrange safe forms of contact, but in the end, any connection to you is an opportunity for an alcoholic to infect you with whatever is eating its way out of them. Sometimes it's regret, sometimes anger, sometimes fear. They have vomited it on you to relieve themselves of it for so long that it is a reflex when that connection is made to you. Like a gag reflex to a foul odor.

I don't have kids with my XABF, but we had the pets in common. He would call under the premise of seeing the pets, but he couldn't even leave a voicemail about seeing them without venting some agitation or venom my way. A 60 second voice mail, and he couldn't hold back. I stopped answering then I blocked his number. If he can't handle 60 seconds talking to a recording, how can he be civil in person for any length of time.

Do what you can to cut off that connection. Cut the ringer off at night. Send his calls to voice mail. Refuse phone contact and insist on text, and put a limit on it with your phone company. There are things you can do to make this better for you.

Alice