I blew up last night!

Old 09-16-2003, 07:27 AM
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I blew up last night!

Hi everyone,

Reading all the posts and knowing that I am not the only one, gives me alot more strength to hold my ground.

I layed some boundaries out to my daughter and her boyfriend the other day. I found several sources for counseling that they can do (thanks to the people here on this board.) It all went fine until yesterday. More beer, 1/2 gal. vodka...gone again in a days time...my daughter drank mostly beer, the boyfriend drank beer and pretty much killed off the vodka bottle. They started early in the afternoon. My daughter went to bed around nine, and was still pretty sober. The boyfriend watched the Dallas/giants game.

I thought...OH GEESH...I can see it now...I go to bed and he starts up with my daughter. So trying to be normal, I watch the football game with him. That was fine at first, then he got drunker and drunker, goes in and keeps waking up my daughter, then he's sooo loud, my 10 year old keeps waking up. (she hasn't gotten a full nights sleep since they arived.) My poor husband won't go to bed worrying about me...

Though it was a good game, it went into overtime and ended around 1:30am...I was hoping he would go to bed when it was over.....WRONG!

He woke my daughter up, she swigs the vodka and they are just begining. He is an angry drunk, so now there was no way I was going to bed, because of when he grabbed her the other day. So here I am sitting, they want to go on the front porch...I am thinking...my poor neighbors, there is no way...so I tell them...no, they can't go, he is too loud. Now for the backyard...I say no. He starts getting aggitated, then my daughter says calmly that I need to have some repect and trust them....YEA RIGHT!!!

That is what set me off...RESPECT!!! RESPECT!!! Off I go, pretty much charging at him yelling...EXCUUUUSE ME!!! He starts crying...I told him that he was the BIGGEST, FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF, POOR BABY THAT I EVER MET!!! my daughter says...How dare I talk to him that way! I say, how dare you say to ME, what you just said! On and on...my 10 year old yells..everyone shut up! My hubby gets in front of me, because I am in their face. I am not EVEN like this at all, I am very patient and I NEVER blow like this! So the boyfriend is still crying and trying to make excuses for everything, my daughter is saying, "We're leaving and that I am identifying her boyfriend with her dad"...LOL ...NOT!!! I say, if that is your choice...then go...this is NOT safe, this is NOT healthy, and this WILL NOT go on in this house! That if they want to drink, they cannot drink excessive and get bombed every night here!

They calm down, I calm down, my hubby is sending everyone to their own corners! He starts up all his boo hoo excuses again and is upset that I said, He abused my daughter so he is like that..(he says he's not like that, he's not a violent person) I said, he knows what brings him to that point, he grabbed my daughters throat and pushed her right in front of me...he IS like that!!! If he wasn't before, he is now, and he knows the cause, and he should do something about it now, before he kills someone!!! And for her, I said, "you do nothing but try to passify his actions and make excuses, so HE doesn't look so bad, you go along and drink too and then allow his behavior to effect ALL of us, including her! Yesterday she was late to a job interview, because HE was hung over and wouldn't get moving and she didn't want to leave him alone here, afraid of what he might do!

I don't know how today will be, but one thing I am feeling right now...daughter or not...this will not go on for very long. I love her with all my heart, BUT there is a limit! Then I start feeling the point and seeing archie bunkers commercial in my brain about his son. My daughter alone without her boyfriend is savable...I can see this...she hasn't been doing this very long. I told them both that I had found counseling if they want it, that I WILL HELP them with that...She wants couseling, says it all the time, her boyfriend tried it and says, "it does no good" soooo she won't go as of now, because "we" don't like doctors. When he is not there and sober, she says she wants to go and get help.

He is a BIG con artist, and she has fallen line, hook, and sinker. I think she is holding onto him, because he is 21 and can BUY the beer.

So that was my big night last night. I am really mad at myself for letting them get to me that much that I would explode like that, BUT I can't and won't let them find a comfort zone with this drinking in my house. I have to find another way to get my point across...Any ideas?
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Old 09-16-2003, 12:36 PM
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The only idea I have is to tell you part of my story.

Once upon a time I abused drugs and alcohol. My boyfriend's parents spent the winters in Las Vegas, so we had their house to ourselves for several months. In our wildest DREAMS we couldn't imagine carrying on like that with his parents in the house, they wouldn't even allow anyone to smoke a cigarette inside. We resented it, but did whatever we wanted to do when they weren't there, and cleaned the house like hell the day before they came home.

We did exactly what we could get away with.

My boyfriend and I were hellbent on getting high, and we would fight (violently) and break up continually. The police could only intervene so far, and again, we did what we could get away with. I resented our families so much for "abandoning" us, for not "helping" us. I resented the police, the law codes, for not protecting me more, for locking him up and letting him out on bail. I resented my family for making me turn out like I was. I resented his family for making my BF like he was. I was angry at the world. Looking back, thank God I didn't get the "help" I designed, or I might have suffered even longer, or not be alive today. The help I was demanding wasn't help, it was a "rescue." I wanted it all to go away, poof! and I didn't want to face reality or my role in it, or take care of myself, etc etc. (My lack of self-care makes me a BlueRibbon Codependent, if there can be such a thing!)

Why did I tell part of my story to you? Well, because I think in some ways I've been like your daughter. I repeated the pattern in a few other relationships, until I did what I had to do to make it stop: MY recovery, all mine. I did the work, and God helped me (God didn't let me get out of doing what I had to do either!)

As a kid, I hated the scraming fights in my house. I feel for your 10 year old too. Its so hard for kids to be subjected to stuff like that. When I was an immature drug/alcohol abuser, I had no sense of my affect on others, and no sense of responsibility toward children in my family or anyone elses. I know how empty and spiritually bankrupt I was, and I feel sorry for any child who has to be around someone like that. So don't leave the 10 year old's safety in their hands! Violence escalates, in my experience. I'm not trying to be judgemental toward you, I'm just concerned and worried.

So what can you do about your daughter and her BF? You're right: you didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it, but you can set healthy boundaries. Reread your post, look at it objectively, like it was a TV script. What's your role, what would you say your "character" is all about?

When I think back to my "old days" I can only imagine what it would have been like to bring my BF home, sleep with him, get high -- basically do as I pleased, regardless of the consequences or example I was setting. You're giving your daughter and her BF a lot of space to operate. Boy, did me and my BF get pissed off at anyone who didn't "respect" us and our (sick) relationship. Lots of tears, lots of angry outbursts, hurt feelings, around and around we'd go. In retrospect -- I'm glad for the honesty some people had to simply NOT PARTICIPATE in our sick sideshow!! We had no respect for ourselves or others, and bumping up against those boundaries helped me get out of that life which was leading me nowhere. Your 10 year old deserves and has a right to role models that will benefit him/her in the long run. What is your 10 year old going to absorb from this interlude?

I thank God that I am no longer addicted to drugs. I don't know why my HP helped me with that, because I was sure I couldn't ever kick it. I was extremely selfish. I was addicted to drugs, and to "love" from my violent boyfriend. I wanted what I wanted, period. Never mind any of my good qualities. The high and the BF came FIRST, and I fiercely resented anything or anyone who called me on it. I was angry and self-destructive, and very determined to do things my way. Addiction obscures and eventually destroys the good in a person. Since its a family disease, it can destroy others too. And no one person can stop it from happening to another.

Are you trying to be that one person who can?

Take what you want, and leave the rest. Love, prayers, and hugs, candlelight
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Old 09-16-2003, 02:10 PM
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Candlelight,

Thank you soooo much for telling me your story. It brought tears to my eyes. I really think my daughter is going thru the same as you did. I too, do not want my 10 year old to have this kind of influence from her sister and bf. Not only my 10 year old, I have alot of 10 year olds who come to my house regularly and should not be subjected to this kind of behavior. Your story really hit home, and I thank you for that!!! I know I need to set even stronger boundaries and limits. I cannot be my daughters friend, I HAVE to be her parent!!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

round4
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Old 09-16-2003, 02:11 PM
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Some thoughts.

"I layed some boundaries out to my daughter and her boyfriend the other day. "

I'm not sure what boundaries you were setting, but boundaries aren't boundaries unless there are consequences when they are violated. (I can talk this talk a lot better than I can walk the walk, believe me.)

It sounds to me like you were doing a bunch of caretaking by staying up to watch a football game you didn't want to see to try to avoid a blow-up you couldn't control. No wonder you blew up...you were completely drawn in rather than being detached.

It also sounds like the boundary you want to draw is the old "No drinking in my house" one. Will your husband back you up on that? Are you worried that your daughter will move out if you insist?
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Old 09-18-2003, 05:05 PM
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Hi ((((((((((Round)))))))))))))))

Alanon has a saying that comes to my mind immediately

"Say what you mean.... mean what you say.....and don't say it mean."

Our boundries are not put in place for them....... our boundries are put in place for "us".... and what we will allow, and how far we will go, and how far we will allow others to go.

Boundries are not for "them"..... they are for us.

It is your home....... and if you are allowing the boyfriend to behave like this in "your home"...... then its time to take responsibility for your actions, your home, and your choices.
I would suggest putting boundries in place that protect you, your family and your home.

If you "say" that you will not allow your daughter and/or her boyfriend to be drinking or drunk in your home and all that comes with it ...the destructive behavior, the out control chaos, the yelling, accusing, and blaming ....... then ACTION is what is needed. Because talk doesn't cook rice

Not arguing, defending, seeking help for them, depriving yourself and the household of sleep to control their actions. When you do this, it is YOU who is being controlled.

Speak with your husband and agree about what will not be allowed in your home... agree together to present a united front... then simply state what it is that you both have decided together will not be allowed in your home, and then "follow through with action."

I realize how hard this is to do..... but whats even harder then setting boundries and following though with action...... is to continue to do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results and allowing the insanity in your home to continue. "Allowing" is the important word.

We teach people how to treat us. It is you and your husbands home........ when "you" begin to respect what "you say" that you will not allow any longer..... by taking "action".
They will too ..........and not one minute before.

Love
Patsy
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Old 09-18-2003, 07:32 PM
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You said your daughter was 20. Is that even legal drinking age where you are from?

OK...this is just my opinion so please, take it for what it's worth.
It sounds to me like you're more afraid of losing your daughter again than you are of taking steps to actually help her.
Also, if they don't work, then where are they getting the alcohol????
You can't drag them to get help. The only help you can give them is the boundaries that were mentioned above and actually STICKING to them. I am a bit of a hard a$$ so my boundaries may seem a little shocking to you at this point.

They have been with you for less than a month and they have turned your home upside down and inside out. I can't even imagine what your other poor child must be feeling right now or your husband.
Mom, I know you love your daughter and obviously are willing to put up with a LOT to have her back but I'm sorry, boyfriend needs to go back to Cali number one. He is nothing more than a drinking buddy and he needs to find his OWN way. He isn't your responsibility and if your daughter follows him? Guess what, it's her choice.
He should be behind bars anyway for putting his hands on her.
Number two, they need to understand that if they want to play house, then they need to be mature enough to get one of their own.
"She can't live without him" I believe you said in your first post. It seems to me as if the only reason she can't live without him is because they appear to feed off of each others behaviors. If he's not around, who's she gonna get drunk with?

It's obvious that she has been surrounded by a disfunctional lifestyle most of her life and her problems go a lot deeper than the alcohol. She's not only addicted to alcohol, she's addicted to this guy and the relationship too, which is only going to get worse, the longer they continue the way they act.

I'm sure this is definitely not what you thought this reunion would be and my heart goes out to you. Unfortunately, this is however the situation at hand and it's time for a sobor round table meeting, complete with those boundaries and the penalties of what the violations will be. Your husband seems very supportive and he needs to be at your side, showing that united front, instead of just playing referee. Of course you need to express how much you love your daughter but love and guilt over hurting her feelings is not going to make her stop drinking or get rid of the boyfriend. All it will do is make you, your husband and your other child miserable.
I think you also need to ask your 10 year old how all of this is making her feel. 10 year olds are pretty smart and I'm sure this is definitely taking it's toll on her as well.

All in all, you really have to be willing to deal with the consequences that they may face from violating the boundaries and I hate to say it but just from what you've said, they are gonna going to break them.
If the first time they cross that line, you don't take the bull by the horns and enforce the rules, you are back at one.

I wish you all the strength in the world and I'll say a prayer for you.
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Old 09-20-2003, 11:21 AM
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Jon
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Re: I blew up last night!

You said:

Originally posted by round4

I don't know how today will be, but one thing I am feeling right now...daughter or not...this will not go on for very long.
The real question is, why are you allowing it to go on at all???
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