ItsmeAlice

We talk a lot about detaching in relationships and walking away from toxic people. Our core needs for self preservation, health, and sanity must win out right?

So what do you do if you find you are the one being detached from?

I've been rebuilding my relationship with my mom which has had its ups and downs, the root issues being our combined codependency. I thought things were going really well.

A while back I wrote about her going to a counsellor. I was elated that she was finally taking the step to focus on her own health and wellness and consider some root issues that she saw affecting her relationships.

I have noticed she has not reached out to me once in the last month. I have written her emails multiple times a week, which has been our best communication method for years since neither of us can talk on the phone while at work. She responds with short responses, offers up little, and takes a day or more to respond. Not the mom I know.

I saw her for my Dad's birthday party a week and a half ago and we had a great time together. We laughed so hard together at one point both of us were in tears.

I wrote her today to say I was thinking of her and made mention I hadn't heard much from her, hoping she's just busy busy etc. and I haven't heard boo from her.

I have started to wonder if she is working on her detachment and I'm the toxic one! I can understand why, my life has been a hot mess for so long, but what do I do? Do I ask her about it directly? How can I stop doing whatever it is she's stepping back from if I don't know what it is? Deep down addicts know they are addicts, but do toxic people know they are toxic?

Any thoughts on this? I need help with this one.

Alice

Live

You could guess what is in her head until you are blue in the face and you would drive yourself crazy and still not really know.
See...you are labeling yourself toxic.
Sometimes in therapy we have to deal with truly painful things and we need to step back and get our feet steady under us again.
How about giving her some time and then just emailing her that you miss her and etc?

MissFixit

Yep. If she needs space, then she needs space. She is seeking that. You are not in control of her. If she wants to tell you something, then she will in her own time.

Weird being on the flip side, ehh?

BTW, you are assuming it is about you.

honoryourself

I know that when I'm going through something confusing or difficult with my AH, I reach out less and respond slowly/less to emails and calls from my mom and sometimes friends. She may just be going through a confusing time, and wanting to sort it out in her head first.
Then again, usually when I "go dark" as I call it, it's because I'm waiting for something good to counteract whatever bad AH recently did.

good_luck

Well, I have a very good relationship with my mother (I know!) and I can offer up my perspective, which I hope is helpful.

There are times when we have a lot to talk about, but in general we probably talk once or twice a month. Sometimes it takes us a week to call each other back. When we do talk, it's just great and funny and whatever, so it's not like we are avoiding each other. I think, just, not that much changes between us. It's pretty solid.

I can contrast that with the feeling of panic I would get when it would take my ex a few hours, or a day, to call me back. And I know which relationship I prefer.

I don't know what this even means, but it is something to think about.

Still Waters

Most likely it has nothing to do with you, why do we always assume the worst? I do the exact same thing!

ItsmeAlice

It is just such a stark contrast to how things were only just recently.

She is one of those moms who doesn't want to tell you she's going in for major surgery or suffering from a life threatening illness because she doesn't want to be a worry or a bother. I've always had to read between her minimizing and denial to know what's up. I've always found it a control mechanism of hers.

You're right. I shouldn't be reading into it and making it about me, but if someone in your life pulls away don't you want to know why?

The people I want in my life pull away and the one I don't want in my life won't move on.

Still Waters

Yes, I do want to know why when that happens.

Learn2Live

When I find myself in this kind of position Alice, I take a step back just like you have done here. I quiet myself for a few days. I read SR posts and I examine myself. Thoroughly. I often find that to think that I can figure out the other person's behavior or motivations by applying reason, logic, and comparison, is magical thinking. I disengage myself from that kind of thinking and turn my focus to me and what is going on inside my heart.... (I have accepted that I will never be cured of magical thinking. I have had to work at this time and time and time again.)

Usually what I find inside myself is that I still WANT something from someone. It could be anything (an object, an act, a feeling, a behavior, an attitude, etc). What I find I think I want often depends on the type of relationship I have with the other person, and my (usually subconscious) expectations of them. I look for the roles and behavior that the greater society traditionally dictates for that person (in relation to me) and ask myself, "Is THIS (what society says that other person should be doing) what I REALLY want from this kind of relationship in my life?" Or, "Do I even WANT this kind of relationship in my life?" For me, usually, the answer is a resounding, "No." Especially when there has been a lot of anxiety surrounding that particular relationship with that particular person. Then I investigate and define what it is I want and whether or not this particular person wants the same things. In this way, I re-construct myself and my life.

When I have been obsessively engaging in magical thinking, or when I hear myself saying, "You just don't care" or "You just don't love me," I always find that I am looking for validation of self. Usually this means I am looking for feelings of self-worth. I know that NO ONE can give me self-worth; only I can do that for me. So I learn again how to validate my self and my own feelings, and affirm my self-worth, in a healthy way.

I also have a few trusted individuals in my life that I can bounce things off of. The most candid and helpful to me are folks who have experience in 12-step recovery (Thanks AGO!!). I also have a few level-headed management professional-type friends who can be very objective in helping me with interpersonal relationships.

Well, there it is, all broken down. It's a step-by-step process. Yes, it's cumbersome but it works for me. I hope you can use something I've shared here.

P.S. It is possible that your thinking, "I am toxic and my mother is detaching from me" is the truth. Is there some behavior that you continue to engage in that she has called you on before? Alternatively, perhaps you are faulting yourself for your mother's behavior. Remember, there is NO ONE to blame for anything. You are not to blame.

P.P.S. Your mother LOVES you no matter what.

ItsmeAlice

L2L,

Thank you for taking the time to post your experience with me. You have really tapped into what I needed here.

There are times I find myself focusing on what other people in my life are doing and I wonder why. Then I am reminded to turn that mirror around and look at my part in our interactions. Then I feel stupid for focusing on me thus thinking it's all about me and for being so self involved. Sometimes, it just feels like a turnstile with no exit.

Thank you for reminding me to just step back and be quiet, that really helps.

You've given me a lot to think on.

Alice