How do I let go?
 

My story is no different from so many I have read. I married the absolute love of my life 12 years ago. Unfortunately however, the last five of those twelve have been pure hell. What was once a casual and social thing turned into full blown alcoholism for him and lives were destroyed.

Currently he is in rehab for the third time in 18 months and not because he really wanted to go but because it was the better option. The first time he stayed sober 22 days. The second time he made it all of 9 days. Then came a DUI and a trip to jail. After that I threw him out and filed for a divorce and he went 33 days without a drop. So you can guess what's coming next.....I took him back.

I feel like such a fool. I know my friends think I am a fool. And yet I still love this man. Today his family and I made the painful decision that this time when he is discharged none of us will be going to get him. None of us will be taking him in. We know we have been horrible enablers and rescuers and we pray that somehow this might be the one thing that saves his life. I have told his counselor that they will need to help him find a place to go. He has no job. He has no money. I am so scared for him.

I am also so angry. I am so sad. This man has destroyed me financially. He has done terrible things to me. He has embarassed and humiliated me. And yet I have hung on to the hope that someday the man I married is coming back to me.

Now I must accept that he isn't ever coming back. I must let go of all the dreams we shared and the plans we made. I know I must love myself more than I love him and let him go. I must start to spend the energy taking care of myself that I have always spent taking care of him. I get up every day and put one foot in front of the other and then I breath and hope it will hurt a little less than the day before. Can anyone help me with how to let him go?

Time. And a clear picture of what IS, not what we wish it to be.

The stages of grief are well documented, and really, this is like a death for you - in that the man you love is gone.

I'm sorry for your pain, I truly am.

I am putting my feet in front of the other like this every day, as well. I know I must not go back. I do not know how to go forward. I feel for you, you are not alone.

Just knowing I am NOT alone when I feel so alone is a help in its on way. Does it sound terrible for me to say in some ways I feel it would be easier if he were dead? Death after a time of grief does bring closure.

He called me today crying and begging me to come because he doesn't want to stay there as long as they want him to. My heart was breaking but I never let it show. I don't know how people survive this.

You can grant yourself some peace by not picking up the phone when he calls.

Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!

I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. It is painful. It is the death of a relationship.

The signs of grieving are:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression and
Acceptance

They come in waves. Some can last for a few days or a few minutes. These emotions are natural.

I agree with the above poster that detaching from him (no contact) will help you with your recovery. He has counselors to help him with his recovery. Are you seeing a counselor or attending Alanon meetings?

Please make yourself at home here by posting and reading as needed.

(((hugs)))

No, it doesn't sound terrible. In Codependent No More, she talks about how many of us "...have daydreamed the funeral many times in our minds..".

Very true.

Agree, Still. How many days I just wished for that to happen, because things would eventually get better.

Today, I wish the same for my MIL.

I think this should be (one would hope) a ding ding ding moment.

If you secretly think the answer to your problems might be your alcoholic spouse dropping dead or falling down the stairs and breaking their neck, it might be time to get out of the relationship and work on your own recovery.

I'm sorry Forever. That's so sad.

Liveweyerd is right .... it may be time to stop taking his calls for a good while. It would help, believe it or not. (((Hug)))

True your story may not be different... but only you can make it different. I'm truly sorry for your pain... but as with most stories... the pain is what sets us free... when we have had enough pain... we leave.

I think pain is a gift from our HP... pain lets us know that something isn't right and it's up to us to change that and that doesn't mean changing anyone other than yourself or your situation.

As for your friends... God love em... I've had friends come and go aswell... lost a 30 year friendship over my STBXAH... but I realize that some people aren't meant to be friends forever... maybe some friends are nudges to put us in the right direction... the friend coming and going is an indicator... not a validation of your worth....pay attention to what life is telling you.... pay attention to what you are telling you.

My divorce will be final December 8th. I've learned that I was strong enough to endure the crappy rollercoaster... I am strong enough to make it on my own... with help and love of HP.

Take care of yourself and read, read, read the stickies!

Thank you to all of you for the reply. IF I had known yesterday it was going to be him on the phone I would not have answered. But because of the area code and number I thought it was the counselor at the facility calling me. Even though we are now legally divorced he is still on my health insurance through the end of the year and so they have had to call me about a couple of issues. I was not expecting to hear his voice and it caught me totally off guard.

Last night I started myself a journal filled with all the things he has done to hurt me. Maybe that isn't the best approach but somehow for now the anger of realizing he is not capable of loving me is helping me move forward. I am seeing a counselor but have not had much luck finding an alanon group that made me feel comfortable. The first one I went to left me feeling like I had done everything wrong and I kept wondering if I was the reason for what he has become. So I am hoping the one on one time with a counselor will be a better fit for me.

Prayers for all of you and what you have endured and what you have achieved in recovery.

I think journaling is healthy. I have to look back over some of my posts and journal entries when I am feeling vulnerable, and lonely. I don't want to go back into a relationship that was unhealthy just because I am lonely and afraid of an uncertain future. My notes help me remember.

When I was ready, I also needed to forgive. I needed to forgive myself first, then my partner. Myself because I had compromised myself and put up with unacceptable behavior and put up with it longer than I should have. I also needed to accept and forgive myself for my part of the relationship. It's a process that takes time.

I learned here at SR and through Alanon meetings to put down the magnifying glass that kept me focused on the A in my life. I was so focused on his behaviors and needs that I stopped looking at myself. I needed to put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror. It's not an easy step, but it has helped me see myself and now I know the areas of my life that need my attention. I accept that as I mature, I will continue to find areas that need my attention. Recovery is a process.

Some of the old timers in my Alanon meetings have been there many many years. They continue to work the steps every year. Each time they learn more about themselves.