been here awaile
 

years actually. Not once have I done anything smart- or positive- for myself. AH has been home 5 mths now-some of you know the whole sordid story of him leaving me for OW he met in rehab and 9 days later begging to come home- and of couse- I let him.
In the past 5 mths the drinking has continued, butI ignore- actually lately we have gotten along better than in many years. He tells me and the kids how much he loves us- everyday. he hasnt went out to a bar no all nighters- says he loves me now more than ever- even got his old job back. We have had issues with the old OW trying to come around- calling even showing up in our yard had to get state police involved.
So yest, i get our cell bill-get online to pay and find 3 calls to OW# in the last three mths- all les than one minute induration- I was so upset- pick up ah at work and confront him (while he sober) He adamently denies ever trying
2 contact her since coming home, he said- and iquote, "Shes the worst mistake i ever made-and shes a crazy wh**e, why would i do that?" He claims there must be a mistake in our bill- claims that he made a pomise to our kids and loves us-- how can i believe him?? How can i not if i let him stay here? I told him any contact with that lunatic will result in divorce- she is adangerous person i will not have in my life or my kids lives. Im scared, I hurt- I want to believe him-

I hurt- I want to believe him-
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Ellima, you know that he is lying. You are doing the right thing by "ignoring" him and moving on with your life. I was given some wisdom once I would like to relay.......Being with an alcoholic is like being cheated on. They will always choose they're fix over you. Nothing personal. Is that ok with you...........chew on that for awile.

I told him any contact with that lunatic will result in divorce-

Were you serious? Or were you making a threat to try to control his behavior?

I've found that an honest boundary that keeps me safe is something I don't need to share with another living soul! If my boundary is "I will not tolerate being spoken to or treated in such and such a manner" then I don't allow myself to be spoken to or treated in such and such a manner. Period. I leave the room, leave the area, leave the relationship, - whatever it takes.

If I tell someone "if you speak to me thusly I will not tolerate it" and then when they speak to me I tolerate it and nothing changes then 2 things become the reality:
1. I was only trying to control someone by issuing a threat.
2. I just gave this person permission to treat me any dang way they choose since I tolerated the thing I announced was untolerable to me.

I need to know in my heart what kind of relationships I want in my life. And then it is up to me to create those relationships with eyes wide open. I cannot force a square peg to turn round - I accept it as square. If square isn't what I want then I have to accept that and either learn to love square or move on down the road. It's all in me.

peace-
b

thanks for that, bernadette.

ellima- there is no point in establishing boundaries if you aren't going to follow thru. this just encourages them to step over our boundary, see that we aren't serious, and continue the behavior.

your boundaries are exactly that --- yours alone. i found it helpful to write mine out and reflect on them. for me, many of mine were attempts to control my alcoholic. they weren't really boundaries because of that.

as for whether he's lying or not, well, it is quite clear that he is.

for myself, in my own recovery, i had to come out of my own denial.

sorry you're going through this.

Months ago now, my phone accidentally called my AH's number. I mean, I must have hit the wrong buttons. I didn't even know it had happened until I got an email from him "so sorry I missed your call, I love you yadda yadda".

I think it showed up as like a 2 second call.

Just saying, this CAN happen. I deleted his number off my phone after that.

" been here awaile
years actually. Not once have I done anything smart- or positive- for myself. "

Sounds like this is your real problem...Learn how to focus on yourself instead of your AH.
Make the life you want for yourself...what are you waiting for? Determine what joy is and move in that direction. Make smart and positive choices and actions.

Thank you that is alot to chew on guys!!!

I believe you said it all right at the beginning of your post. Why don't you change that right now?

I hope ellima checks back in to read your responses....this is an older thread of hers.