nodaybut2day

I'm feeling very frustrated today. Perhaps it has something to do with XAH having a weeknight visit with my daughter. Perhaps it has more to do with the fact that I texted him to ask whether or not he was going to pick our daughter up, and that prompted the visit. I was doing it to prevent him from just picking DD up from daycare without telling me and then having to run after him in a panic...but now I'm kicking myself for suggesting the visit in the first place.

Anyway, I had a short chat with my lawyer about granting XAH access rights to DD. She tells me that I can include a stipulation in our custody agreement that demands that he not drink or take sedatives while taking care of DD, but that I can't really do anything to prevent him from taking her unless I "catch" him being intoxicated...even then, he'd still get to see her. This really pisses me off because XAH is a big guy who can drink A LOT and never really look drunk. To make matters worse, he gets very jovial when he drinks, so one might argue that he's "no danger" to DD when he drinks. Finally, a social worker informed me that unless XAH has repeatedly abused DD (as in physically or sexually), he will ALWAYS have a right to see her because the law here recognizes the right of the father to have a relationship with the child...It's not enough that he's drinking daily...he has to constantly f*** up, get arrested, etc etc in order for his access rights to be reduced or revoked!

Now, I know I may be politcally incorrect here, because there are undoubtedly recovering moms and dads who deserve to be given a second chance with regards to their children...but it really steams me that *I* have to play police to my very clever and highly functioning alcoholic ex husband just to catch him in the act of being unfit!!

I'm trying very hard to work on myself, on my codie issues, of which there are MANY, and I feel constantly pulled away from that in order to watch XAH.

ellima01

Im sooo scared of this senario. AH and I are currently together- but he is a danger to self and others. I would die if he got unsupervised visits with my daughter. I was filing for divorce several mths ago- Im so afraid hed hurt her b/c he is drunk every day- 6 duisin his life- 5 rehabs many jail sentances- i guess the law doesn't really give a crap.

Startingover2

I have this worry every single day of my life.

splendra

I totally understand your fears. Trying to catch someone doing something that you consider wrong is bad behavior for co-dependents or anyone else for that matter.

Addiction is a powerful spirit that feeds on fear and lies. It loves to have new laws to break the more laws against addiction the more it can ruin a person, family, and society.

Addiction should not be a legal problem because it is a health and spiritual problem. Sick people are filling up prisons and jails that need to be under the care of a doctor or a at least someone who understands what addiction does to a person's spirit. Prison does very little to rehabilitate an addict/alcoholic. In many cases I would say addiction gets a stronger foot hold into the life of an addict that faces legal battles and imprisonment.

The spirit of addiction that hangs over your ex feeds upon your fear and unrest it is a catch 22. Try to see the person who is your ex not his addiction and you will help to break addictions power over yourself.

I know that people may disagree with what I am writing. I am hoping to give you another angle that you can use. Take it with a grain of salt. Every advice is easier said than done.

Pray for your ex and to trust your HP because it will change you andit could also change him.

I will also add you and your ex to my prayer list.(((((((BIGHUGS)))))))

rdy4change

nodaybut2day...you've come SO far in the past couple of weeks so hang in there. I know how you feel about the visitation piece. In my custody agreement I had her write no overnights at this time and that he cannot consume alcohol 8 hours prior to or during his time with our daughter. I know, as you do, that this is an unrealistic expectation. However, it's meant to protect in the event something happens to your daughter while in his care. My attorney too said there is nothing that can be done to prevent it.

It's a tough spot, I know and my AH hasn't seen that agreement yet. It's going to really set him off. But, too bad. Can you imagine how set off we would be if God forbid something should happen and we didn't put it in there. I figure more language the better. Can't hurt.

Hang in there!

nodaybut2day

Bucyn, thank you for posting that and sharing your experiences. It gives me an idea of what to look out for, and at the very least, makes me realize that I am not alone in this. I honestly never thought that I would find myself wishing that XAH would drink *more* and be *more careless*, but if he would, it would be easier to demand supervised visitation.

After talking with his mother again last night, I'm hoping that he doesn't show up in court because he's too afraid of getting arrested and thrown in jail again. He's so unpredictable these days though, you never know what he'll do or say.