nodaybut2day

It's been about 3 weeks since I left my x-husband. We have our first mandatory mediation appointment this Thursday evening. How it goes will determine how I proceed: either an amicable custody agreement or I serve him with custody and divorce papers. It's really up to him.

Background: to make a very convoluted story short, last week I managed to prevent my stepson from failing French by contacting his French teacher and his guidance counsellor. I shouldn't have done it, but I felt my stepson deserved a chance to pass since he's only been learning French for less than two years. In the process I discovered that he is having a lot of emotional trouble at school and that he stated that he wants to return to Toronto, to his mother's. This is a first; he's never said this before, so I thought it was important to address. Obviously, the separation is somewhat to blame for this, so I spent a good deal of time discussing him with the guidance counsellor and a local social worker, to see what help could be gotten for him. Apparently, I cannot do anything for him or allow social workers to interfere because I have no legal rights over him. I can only create a paper trail...

This Saturday, we have a supervised visit with X and stepson (where my X once again bitterly complained about having to travel HOURS and HOURS by suway just to see his daughter. Oh god. The humanity of it all.) During this visit, I very generously informed my X that the guidance counsellor and social worker may be calling him to discuss his son's emotional turmoil. As soon as I told him, I could see the gears turning and I knew he would turn it around on me, despite the fact that I once again did the work for him, because I care for my stepson.

Later in the evening, X called me (I shouldn't have answered) and told me that his conversation with his son basically amounted to this:
- He is angry about having come to live with us and feels that we "lied" and misrepresented how great living here would be.
- He feels he should have stayed in Toronto because things were better there.
- He "hates" coming to see me every week and only does it because he doesn't want to be alone at home.
- He is angry with me for "lying" to him about moving close to my X's home (can anyone say AH-HA?!).

Now, I'm fully aware that this may or may not be my stepson's words, but what it amounted to was another attempt to get me to move closer to my X, for his convenience. It was then, during this conversation with my X, as he tried to get me to discuss our relationship, that I could SEE the pattern of control forming and repeating himself:
- First he wanted me to move out, but in January, when it suited him.
- Then he wanted me to move out early, because it was too hard for HIM to see me.
- Then he wanted me to move in with my folks because I wasn't moving out fast enough.
- Now he wants me to move back in the neighborhood because travelling by subway to see his child is too hard for him.

Him. Him. Him. HIM. HIM! And let's throw in a few jabs about my supposed promises to my stepson in for good measure.

I very politely told him we'd discuss things in mediation. He insisted on talking. "but I want to know! Tell me!!" I wished him good evening and hung up. I am very proud of myself for this.

Yesterday: calls. texts. texts from my stepson, most likely sent by his dad. more calls.

I didn't answer.

How did I not see this before? Perhaps because I always jumped whenever he raised but a finger. I can see now that he is having to learn a very difficult lesson: I am no longer at his beck and call. I will no longer answer whenever he wants. He will have to wait.

This isn't easy. I'm having to stop myself from checking my email and responding to him right away. It's an old habit. I'm also having to stop myself from retorting to him in anger because he pisses me off so much with his attempts at controlling me. Detach. Detach. Detach.

I know I will have to deal with him for years to come, so I'd better get good at detachment, but geez, can't a girl get a break for one stinking day??

Linkmeister

As I sit now and read this, the phone is unplugged, my cell is off and I have just poured my morning coffee to check my email. Like you nodaybut2day, I always jumped, at his beck and call....I always answered the phone or emails ASAP but not this time.

As much as I am not obsessing about RABF's behaviour over the past few days, now that we are living apart, I see clearly his need for control over me and the anger it brings out in him when he realizes he can't control my actions, my behaviours and reactions especially to his behaviour toward me last week and last night, his drinking.

The last time around, I kicked him out of our place - we had been looking to move anyway and after he sobered up and started back at AA, decided to each have our own places-his near to 3 daily AA meetings and mine where there was a big yard for the dog. Well, this place has become my sanctuary as I am not in the line of fire during his drinking.

For the past few days, I've listened to the self-pity and complaints about his place and how "luxurious" mine is, how hard he works, how tired he is, how hard it is to juggle work, a relationship, meetings, getting to my place (by bus, a 10 minute trip-he lost his license due to DUI's) - quacking at its highest order. BTW, since I moved here, I have been unemployed, looking for work, sending out resumes daily. That's work in itself especially in today's economy.

This time around, I didn't get angry-told him he should be grateful to have a job, a place to live. I didn't engage in his verbal gymnastics, his semantics - just hung up and turned the phone off. (Detach, detach, detach, I kept repeating to myself) It was hard to do as it went against all of my old ways of engaging with him but then having to defend myself, reacting usually in anger to his verbal abuse.

Last night, I knew he had been drinking again and he all but goaded me into accusing him of it. I didn't. (Detach, detach, detach, I kept repeating to myself). Instead, I said very calmly that this conversation was over - hung up the phone and unplugged it. You know, it got a bit easier last night when I did that.(Detach, detach, detach, I kept repeating to myself) The angry urge to call back or email wasn't there. Instead, I went to bed and read.

So, this am, I checked my email-nothing except a garbled reply to a picture I sent him. Today, it's on to my Monday Al-Anon meeting and other chores after. Usually, I'd go see him for a bit but not today ((Detach, detach, detach, I kept repeating to myself) as I have other things to do.

Detachment is hard but necessary for our sanity. We may all detach differently but it has helped me to diffuse some of the anger, to be angry at the drinking and the behaviours it causes while not forgetting compassion for a person who has an uncontrollable disease.