tigger11

God I feel as moody as AH is. One minute I'm grateful to be alive and safe, the next I just want to break down and go home. When i'm strong i'm oh so strong. When I'm weak, Lord help me. Honestly I wonder if having him suck my heart and soul is worse than this.

I've been in the shelter a week today. I'm sick of doing dishes by hand after 8 adults and 4 children. Sick of not being able to go where and when I want to. Frustrated that the OP isn't done and filed. Tired... Oh so tired.

please pray for me my SR family. I'm so ready to call it quits and go home. In the spirit of alanon, I'm giving myself an hour before I do anything drastic. In an hour if I don't feel different, I hope I have the strength to go another hour... And so on.

I'm so sorry for those of you who think I'm strong and are looking to my posts for inspirarion... 'course maybe nobody is. If so, I'm sorry. With your prayers, I'll get through this.

sigh.

CatsPajamas

Aw Tigger, I wish I was nearby. I'd pick you up and we'd go out for coffee. Starbucks (or maybe it's Caribou coffee) has this really yummy hot caramel apple drink. I swear it's the cure for a variety of things. It's pure joy and serenity in a cup with whipped cream on top. It's meant to be drunk and savored slowly, so we'd have to relax a bit.

Change is a scary thing. Although I never ended up at a shelter, after I made the choice to leave my abusive exH, I spent some time in hiding at friends' houses and also by myself at a nice hotel. I needed the time away to rest and regroup. As I recall, it took me about a week to quit twirling, worrying, wondering what he was doing and thinking etc. I was safe, but I didn't feel safe yet, if you know what I mean. My head knew it, sort of, but the rest of my body and heart didn't get it just yet. I needed some time to accept that I had made a good choice, and time to feel my feelings. In a safe place, with safe people. It helped to remember that this wasn't going to be my new life, it was just the beginning of the transition to a new and better life. It's one step on the journey. At the time it was big and hairy and scary, but looking back it was a really courageous thing I did for myself and my kids. And it's the same for you.

One hour at a time, one minute at a time. Whatever it takes. Be gentle with yourself, and remember to congratulate yourself on taking a really good and positive action.

Hugs.
Cats

bookwyrm

One hour at a time it is then. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. Your time at the shelter is temporary - it will pass. Sending you strength.

:ghug3

LucyA

I lived in a shelter Tigger, for six weeks a couple of years ago. It was probably under completely different circumstances to yours, I had my two kids with me, family couldn't visit, it was the pits and I hated every minute.
Here I am though, in my own place, happy and independant.
You can do it honey, it isn't going to be forever.

barb dwyer

*prayers for Tigger*

The very same strength of character that
helped you make the decision to end the pain
is still right there with you
and also has pruny dishpan hands right along with you.

The strength is still there.
The courage is still there.
Get some rest , sounds to me like you're real tired.

I never do anything any more
until I've had time to literally sleep on it.

I pray for the same for you.

Buffalo66

I will include you in my prayers . I think you are strong. Even if you broke down and went home, I would still think you are strong. It is hard to make a big change. You are being brave, and I am inspired by you.

I think about myself here in town, getting ready to move, and I think of you separated and isolated in a strange and unfamiliar place, and I send you love and support. Please be easy on yourself. It is hard to be strong and still honest with yourself about how weak you feel.

naive

dear tigger-
do not be slow in turning to your HP. the strength will come.

thinking of you tonight,
naive

OtherHalf7

My prayers are with you Tigger 11...I know you don't see it right now, but it WILL get better; I started writing a book about my experiences well over a decade ago, and whenever I get frustrated, angry, sad, confused, I go back and read and realize...wow, I have been in some bad situations, and there have been times that I felt hopeless, but...I made it.

My big sister, who is one of the wisest people I know, told me back when my SO overdosed that: a. God never gives us more than we can handle; b. never pray for patience, pray for strength; and c. if life was easy, would you appreciate it?

I was in tears the other night...she told me that a long, hard life builds character and sometimes getting knocked down is just what we need to see "what we are made of".

I wish I could be there, in person, for you, and though I can't, you are definitely on my mind and in my prayers.

tjp613

((Tigger)) You can do this, honey. I know you can. It's just a few weeks out of a lifetime. You deserve happiness.

kermit

My thoughts and prayers are with you, You will make it, you have to, it is temporary. (did I spell that right?) I remember my first few weeks on my own, they were tough and I had to make some very hard choices, but I made them and pulled out okay, you will too keep your faith always...you very VERY stong beautiful Woman!

What God brings us to, he will get us through!

tigger11

I did it... I caved. Posted on his FB wall that I wanted to go home. Fortunately for me, he blew it too. Posted back: "ma'am, why are you telling me this, and who are you? Had he been nice, might have scooted my sorry butt home. But he wasnt and I didn't! And I'm thrilled! Not the way I would have expected, but your prayers worked! Thank you!

barb dwyer

wow.

tigger11

often I wish I could hit the 'thanks' a gazillion times to everyone's thoughtful, inspiring, strengthening posts!

NewMe11109

You gotta love that higher power once in a while (or daily is ok too)!

CatsPajamas

I love it when my HP does that - giving me what I NEED and not necessarily what I thought I wanted.

Hang in there, Tig

tjp613

So how are you feeling today, Tig?

tigger11

TJP, et al - I'm MUCH better at the moment. Goodness - this is certainly one moment at a time! I'm at work. Work is "real world", not shelter or Godforbid - home with insane, pickled mind AH.

I am so out of my league at the shelter. I'm not tough and experienced as the women are there. They grew up on welfare and food stamps and drugs and alcohol. They understand that I'm not like them, and try to take advantage of me every minute of every day. I don't have the skills to deal with this. I'm going to see a woman lawyer today at 4pm central. She's going to file the order of protection and divorce simultaneously. Not sure what next steps are, but hope there is some way to get him out of the house. Oh how I wish it weren't in both our names!

Love and Hugs,
Tigg

tjp613

Can you go stay in one of those 'extended stay' hotels or do you feel like you need the security of the shelter?

JenT1968

yeah for you Tigs,

when separating from H, much of the progress I made was accomplished by *not doing* the things I did normally, and for methis meant doing nothing *right now* whilst I gave myself space to act rather than react.

Of course that all sounds very planned and serene and sensible: at the time, I didn't feel like I was rationally giving myself space to act rather than react, I felt like I was grabbing on to a moments hesitation and just eeking it out. Often I didn't have to get to the act part, because even the meerest hesitation changed the game. Once I had managed the tiniest hesitation, and I saw the results produced by just not immediately doing what I would normally do, (placate, rescue, plead, shout, flee, beg, whatever) it gave me some distance, some perspective, I was able to think "okay, so what will happen here if I just don't do anything at all?". I was able to watch my thoughts and feelings start to stabilise, my discomfort lessen, the reactions of others cycle through different appraoches to manipulate my actions (guilt, anger, sorrow, hatred, accussations, gifts).

well done for staying strong, "this too shall pass"

Live

awwwwwwwwww (((((((((((Tigger!))))))))))))))))))))))

You can phone me you know?
I just didn't log onto the computer yesterday.

I am going to find the "just for today" thing I used to have as a bookmark...

but one of them I never forget:
"Just for today I can do something for 12 hours that I would be loathe to do for the rest of my life"

Can you find a novel to get lost in? Or something inspirational to read? Pretend you are in the peace corps???? LOL

I am here...so call whenever you want!