Update and a question

Old 11-15-2009, 06:13 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 28
Update and a question

Hi Everybody,

Just an update, its been 6 days complete no contact on both sides. There have been a few moments that I've felt sad but for some reason this time feels different. Probably from all the reading I've done on this website and relating to all of the pain that you have all gone through. I've actually started to feel anger, which I have to say I've stuffed and not allowed myself to feel for a long time.

During one of those sad times I came across an old thread called "What I Wont Miss" so I decided to make a list of my own.

What an eye-opener, as I started I couldn't stop and came up with 40 things I won't miss extremely easily. I then decided to make a list of the things I will miss and sadly it took me so much longer to come up with a list of 6. I really struggled trying to find the things I would miss.

As I reread that list I realized 4 of them were actually about me ( feeling like I have somebody in my life, not being alone, etc....) 1 was about my house and the fact that he is extremely handy,can fix just about anything and loves to do all this work for me. I then realized that out of a pathetic list of 6, only one had anything to really do with him specifically as a person. Interesting?


The reason I bring it up is it may be helpful to others to see things more clearly, not so much what you wont miss (thats probably obvious) but maybe what you will (you may be surprised). Thank you to whoever started that thread!

The other really helpful thing was reading my journal which I started about 6 months ago, looking at the craziness in black and white also made things clearer for me.

By no means am I feeling cured but definately more aware. Its been a good process.

Now my question, I realized in the past few days that he has something of mine (lawnmower and leaf blower) that I really need and would be to expensive to replace. Do I call him and ask for it back?

Before anybody assumes that I am looking for an excuse to call him let me clarify. In the past when we've argued I've always looked for any kind of realistic (like this would be) reason to call him. It was almost a compulsion. Any excuse so I could engage him in another conversation about "US".

This time when I realized that I really need these things (as much as I hate doing it, leaves have to be done) I put off calling for one more day and then one more day and its dawned on me I really don't feel like talking to him.

There really isn't anybody I can borrow these things from. Is this worth breaking the no contact? I thought I could just call and ask him nicely If I could come pick these up and then when I go not engage in any triggering conversations.

Thoughts?
LovetoLaugh is offline  
Old 11-15-2009, 06:59 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I love the idea of your list -- that really is excellent therapy. I did something similar once: I made a list of all the lies I was aware of (these were not small little white lies either) and there were 52 of them. We had been together for a year. One/week!!! that was an eye-opening experience.

As for the lawn equipment, is there a friend you can send instead? If not, ask him to leave them outside and you will pick them up at __ o'clock. Communicate by email or text so that you can think your responses through.

If it were me, I'd let the leaves rot for another couple of weeks at least...or borrow a neighbors.
tjp613 is offline  
Old 11-15-2009, 07:48 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Formerly known as soconfused11
 
sodetermined's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Is this worth breaking the no contact? I thought I could just call and ask him nicely If I could come pick these up and then when I go not engage in any triggering conversations.
Based on my experience from just last Thursday, no, it is not worth it. And next to impossible not to engage in the conversation if they initiate one. I just think it's so hard for us to not be affected by them.

I broke my non contact last week (same thing, legitimate reason) just by calling and saying "you clothes will be in your truck at my mom and dad's you can get them anytime after today", and hanging right up. After that, he started calling more than ever...and leaving messages. I took the bait, called back, and have been talking with him ever since (I don't call, he does, but his "feeling sad" has gotten to me and I feel bad for him).

If you can have someone contact him for you, I would go with that route. Or let the leaves wait, they make great mulch :-)
sodetermined is offline  
Old 11-15-2009, 08:23 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I made a list of the negatives and positives of my relationship....
72 negatives, 3 positives. Ummmmmm yeah.

Sodetermined, do you want to start over with the no contact. I think it is easy to get sucked back in, but I don't think that it means we have to stay sucked back in. If you think it is truly unhealthy for you to have contact with him at this point, then you can make up your own mind and reinforce the no contact.
Sometimes we have to start over...and that's ok!
Kittyboo is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:06 AM.