Still the Same
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
Still the Same
I am confused. RAH says he wants things to be the way they should be between us and he has this new found love for me and wants to be part of my life. Tonite, he planned a night out - sushi and a movie. He found a sitter, he made all the arrangements.
He showed up at my house with flowers, looking and smelling nice. Made me giggle a little when he rang the doorbell and was standing there with a dosen roses. Bought breathmints...and just a bunch of little things that he did when we were dating. Everything went fairly well until we came back to my house after the movie. We both ended up crying. He because he knows he hurt me and can't make it right, me because I am still hurt and not a big enough person to just let it go.
I waited for so long - 20 freakin years! - for him to participate in our marriage, and he tried so hard to get out of it. It didn't matter what it was, he was not happy with it...the temperature of the room, the number of pillows on the bed, the things I like to do he did not participate at all in, he didn't like the same kind of food as I did, I couldn't touch him because it drove him nuts. And, his mom caused so many problems between the two of us - big, huge issues that should never have involved her.
Have any of you reconciled with someone who went to treatment? How did you get past all of the hurt feelings and issues and just be in the relationship? I explained to him that I am still the same person, the one he didn't want to be with.
From the outside looking in, is this even worth trying? Or will I always get what I always got?
He showed up at my house with flowers, looking and smelling nice. Made me giggle a little when he rang the doorbell and was standing there with a dosen roses. Bought breathmints...and just a bunch of little things that he did when we were dating. Everything went fairly well until we came back to my house after the movie. We both ended up crying. He because he knows he hurt me and can't make it right, me because I am still hurt and not a big enough person to just let it go.
I waited for so long - 20 freakin years! - for him to participate in our marriage, and he tried so hard to get out of it. It didn't matter what it was, he was not happy with it...the temperature of the room, the number of pillows on the bed, the things I like to do he did not participate at all in, he didn't like the same kind of food as I did, I couldn't touch him because it drove him nuts. And, his mom caused so many problems between the two of us - big, huge issues that should never have involved her.
Have any of you reconciled with someone who went to treatment? How did you get past all of the hurt feelings and issues and just be in the relationship? I explained to him that I am still the same person, the one he didn't want to be with.
From the outside looking in, is this even worth trying? Or will I always get what I always got?
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
How is his recovery going? Is he making his meetings? Working steps? Got a sponsor?
I just got thru reading a bunch of your previous posts and to me it just sounds like he's manipulating you .... but hey, I could be wrong!
Maybe you should go back and read all your posts, too.
I just got thru reading a bunch of your previous posts and to me it just sounds like he's manipulating you .... but hey, I could be wrong!
Maybe you should go back and read all your posts, too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 86
Presumably there was a lot of hurting time to get to where you are now, so it will likely take you a long time to recover.
He may be thinking that if he behaves for one night, then he will get what he wants. Presumably this isn't what you want. Part of recovery is making amends, he should be respecting your healing process and not expecting things to be normal after one night of good behaviour.
He may be thinking that if he behaves for one night, then he will get what he wants. Presumably this isn't what you want. Part of recovery is making amends, he should be respecting your healing process and not expecting things to be normal after one night of good behaviour.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
my A said to me last night what I have been aware of for years.
He said, "its like the idea of us is this fantasy, and that can work as long as we want it from afar. But the realities do not work. "
It is maddening for him to be saying this TO ME, of course, thats not my point here. My point is, he is right.
I think that in spite of the truly awful things he has done and how I have responded that my A and I could pretend at the love feelings for a night-or week. But the reality is going to catch up. And it is always more painful after you bouhgt into a few days or weeks of the fantasy. Just more wasted time.
I am not an expert. I am probably going to give him another try. Against all my better judgement.
I just see this.
He said, "its like the idea of us is this fantasy, and that can work as long as we want it from afar. But the realities do not work. "
It is maddening for him to be saying this TO ME, of course, thats not my point here. My point is, he is right.
I think that in spite of the truly awful things he has done and how I have responded that my A and I could pretend at the love feelings for a night-or week. But the reality is going to catch up. And it is always more painful after you bouhgt into a few days or weeks of the fantasy. Just more wasted time.
I am not an expert. I am probably going to give him another try. Against all my better judgement.
I just see this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
My brother and his wife got divorced because of this drinking. Two years later they remarried, and have been remarried for 14 years.
His wife and kids had to get beyond the hurt, and each seemed to take a different path. My brother had to accept responsibility, and his family, each in their own time, put the past behind them. They highly value honestly. They are a close family now - the kids are in their mid- to late 20s.
His wife and kids had to get beyond the hurt, and each seemed to take a different path. My brother had to accept responsibility, and his family, each in their own time, put the past behind them. They highly value honestly. They are a close family now - the kids are in their mid- to late 20s.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
I read my previous posts, and an old box of letters and journals. Only took me an entire box of kleenex to figure out that I am in the exact same spot as I have always been.
Time to pull myself up by the bootstraps and march on.
Rehab didn't change anything that wasn't changed in the past by marriage counseling, separation, one of those intense marriage weekends where you go when your marriage is really in trouble - it is all the same song. The letters proved it.
The only difference this time is how long it will last. And there are so many red flags flying you'd think it was a Nebraska football game.
Time to pull myself up by the bootstraps and march on.
Rehab didn't change anything that wasn't changed in the past by marriage counseling, separation, one of those intense marriage weekends where you go when your marriage is really in trouble - it is all the same song. The letters proved it.
The only difference this time is how long it will last. And there are so many red flags flying you'd think it was a Nebraska football game.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
That's what learning and growth looks like, intheknow. It's painful, but you're gonna be so much better after you get thru all this!!! You're doing just fine....really. It will all be worth it. I promise.
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