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I'm new....pregnant...and very tired of living with my Active Alcoholic... (LONG!)



I'm new....pregnant...and very tired of living with my Active Alcoholic... (LONG!)

Old 11-19-2009, 01:09 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Life can be hard and hearing stories like this reminds me how much harder for others then what I have gone through.

I am sorry for you loss and happy for you new arrival.

The blaming thing he does about the loss of your child.... yes understandable how hard it was on him as you show kindness towards him in your words obviously understanding it yourself. I would think even better then he. Again, I am so sorry for that loss. However, you are minimizing how serious the abuse he is dishing out on you is in this. It IS NOT understandable that he would blame you!!!!!!!!! That is herendously abusive towards you!!!!!! Understanding that one has pain is on thing, judging rightly the bad behavior that comes through pain is another. This stuck out to me as a clear example of the many minimizings of his behaviors, in mixing up kindness of understanding with the right to make a balanced judgement on his abuses towards you. this is a clear example of being beyond an issue of understanding and empathy/sympathy.

Being told this is a serious abuse to live with! I am so sorry you ever had to hear words like this said to you in your own grid and pain. When i read this part in my heart and head I said, " JERK, this is good enough reason alone for her to leave and separate without any other reason, and she has many!"

love tammy
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Old 11-19-2009, 10:16 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Hi Opus (nice choice btw - humor even in your darkest hour),

I read your opus and wish I could just drive right over, scoop you up, and get you out of there. I'm the adult child of an alcoholic. I remember the fear, the chaos, the pain, the humiliation I experience being raised by an angry, aggressive alcoholic. I suffered a lot, as did my siblings, as did my wonderful mother. My advice to you would be to leave as soon as you can. As much for yourself as for your baby.

I read you saying a few times that you know what he's screaming at you is wrong. Even though you know it's wrong and you think you can take it, the words still sink in and they do their damage. Trust me.

It's so so sad that he has made the choice he's made. He did and it's ok to grieve the loss of the wonderful future you had hoped for with him. Better to grieve in a safe place and only for awhile though, than to grieve in a room that reeks of stale beer for maybe the rest of your life. You should be safe and loved.

You have a baby coming! You're going to find so much joy from that baby that there is just NO WAY that you don't have a bright happy future waiting out there for you!

Be brave. I'm wishing the very very best for you and your little one. Everything is going to be just fine. Just put one foot in front of the other in the right direction.

Take care.
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Old 11-20-2009, 09:15 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MeHandle View Post
It IS NOT understandable that he would blame you!!!!!!!!! That is herendously abusive towards you!!!!!! Understanding that one has pain is on thing, judging rightly the bad behavior that comes through pain is another.
You're absolutely right, Tammy. It is awfully abusive to say something like this - it's childish, is what it is. It's something a kid would say because a kid does not know how to control emotion, or how to think through things, or how to express themselves. Perhaps people who say things like this simply have never really dealt with emotion or grief. I don't think my AP knows what to do with his emotion, and that is why he turns to drink. It's NOT right, of course - I tell you, it hurt me awfully. I got on the 'phone to my mother, who works with special needs children, and she gave me a lot of insight into why he would say this and why not to pay any attention to it - which naturally is easier said than done!

Grieving does some screwy things to people. Thankfully we have since had a talk in which he let me express myself fully - that I didn't like what he said; that is wasn't true - that it was hurtful and awful. And a REAL apology followed. Thankfully he's never said anything like that again since. not making excuses for him, but just elaborating on that a little there

Right now, he's been pretty calm for about a week. Not a forced calm either - really quite calm, like he's had the wind knocked out of his sails. It must be hard for him to not get drunk and not yell... he's doing it though, which is nice. It really is nice, because I don't have to spend so much time actively keeping away from him, or failing to be inspired in my work because of his drunkenness. See, I'm an artists and writer and have quite a number of clients: the yelling and the drunken behavior was not only preventing me physically from working (I would have to take care of the kids all the time - there was no other parent, not really) but was also just totally blocking all inspiration and will to work ad get involved in writing and designing. All of which was bloody annoying and inconvenient, quite frankly!

So TODAY, all is quiet on the Western front. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but all together, it's been a pretty smooth week - I've gotten a lot of work done, been calm and had a couple of very nice evenings with AP and the children. Tonight, we are going to a movie as a family, so that will be nice.

I will keep you all posted. It's just nice having a few non-crazy days, ya know? It's all apt to change at the drop of a hat, obviously, and I don't trust him to stay sober indefinitely, I'd have to be a fool to say that...lol!
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Old 11-21-2009, 01:49 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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hi opus-

firstly, welcome to SR.

you mentioned that your parents and family are in the UK. does this mean that you are a british citizen also?

if so, you can come here and have your baby in the UK on the NHS.

it also means that you would be eligible for your own council flat and benefit for you and your child, plus all sorts of additional payments on top of your dole for you now, at this stage of your pregnance.

i was sitting here thinking that one option for you would be to high tail it over here immediately to the UK, be with your family these last weeks, have their support during your delivery, while claiming some beneifts and getting some cash on your own.

then, you can consider your options here or return to your alcoholic boyfriend.

if you chose to stay in the UK, you don't have to be beholden...you can claim benefits and get your own place. single mums are always top of the list for housing and the social services would pay even for items like a new crib, pram, etc.

perhaps it might be the wake up call he needs to get serious about his recovery. or not.

the main thing is that you and new baby are safe and loved.

i also liked the idea someone put forward to not put his name on the birth certificate. here in scotland, where i live, the father has no rights to the child in an unmarried situation unless he takes it to court, where they would essentially grant him visitation.

that would give you full custudy and the ability to spare your new baby the life of living with an alcoholic, should you so choose.

plus, it would put you and your baby in a safe environment for now, also with support from your family.

you'd have to move quickly and i'm sure you don't want to fly at this stage of your preganancy but it is a very real option for you and gives you plenty of time and distance to focus on your new arrival.

naive
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Old 11-21-2009, 03:00 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Hi Naive

It's a good idea - with two catches for me - money is one of them - I just don't have the $900 (or thereabouts) to get a plane ticket and no way of getting that at all - sadly my family are poor lol! Additionally I have assets and a car over here that I am paying for still - it's fairly new, so I'd have to somehow unload the vehicle before taking off...

The main reason I haven't you know, gone and worked my butt off for a plane ticket (if that were even possible to do between now and when you can't fly anymore) is because there are two innocent children involved here who waited and were very excited about their baby sister, who died. They've now been waiting, by the time their newest little sister arrives, nigh on two years for a sibling. They are also mourning their little sister and this baby is going to be very healing for them..

So, to take off just weeks before birth to a completely different country would be unbelievably mean of me, I think. At the very least I want them both to have a relationship with their sister - they're only 6 and 8. They don't deserve to lose a mother figure and a new little sister to a totally different part of the world.

If they weren't in the picture, I might be thinking of that much more strongly at this stage and it's a good idea in principle - very good idea and one I'd almost certainly do if they were not around. X
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Old 11-21-2009, 05:06 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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i am concerned about your well-being at this time. one's emotional body affects the physical body. you've been through a lot already.

putting the money issue aside for a moment (as that is solvable), it seems possible that birthing here in the uk rids you perhaps of the custody issue. it would be good to know the facts, perhaps something to research further.

perhaps that is not a huge issue to you at this moment, but considering that alcoholism is a progressive disease, it could very well spare you much hassle and being tied to your alcoholic in the future.

you could always simply say you need your mum right now, which is actually the truth! your trip could be proposed for that reason, to both your man and the children.

as for his children, your reality is that you have no rights to them and will not be able to spare them your alcoholic's madness.

i don't know. i need to reflect on this further. right now, i see it as a ship that's sinking...do you spare 2 or do all 4 go down with the alcoholic?

if you are the praying sort, it might be a good time to request HP's guidance.

please, forgive me if i overstep my boundary...your first post reached me...surely, there must be a solution here for the greatest good of all involved.

hopefully, more will be along with their ideas and experience. that's normally the case here.

my prayers are with you,
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Old 11-21-2009, 07:17 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Oh no Naive, your post didn't step over any boundaries at all. You made some really good points. Problem is, the money issue really isn't solvable, to begin with - not at all - I don't have a lick of cash and unfortunately there's just no way I can snap my fingers and generate a plane ticket. And the car is not going to pay for itself - I've been here for five years: I've got friends here, stuff here I wouldn't be able to take back to England. I really rather like it here - I like the nature; the surroundings; my community of which I've become a part. I'd love to visit my folks right now and have them give me a hug and feel my great big belly, but boy - where you you come up with that kind of cash at the drop of a hat? *shrugs*

I know if I were to leave him here, I'd have safe places to go. I wouldn't be worried about that, and I'm not at all worried about my physical safety (having been in a relationship with a really physically abusive man - my ex - I know just what the signs of that are!) - just the mental safety of myself and my baby girl.

Additionally the custody thing isn't worrying me in the slightest. The last few times he's gotten very drunk and yelled, I've been prepared: I've recorded him on a little voice recorder. So, should he try to fight for some kind of custody if it ever got that far, I've got one up on him. Sounds devious but I know what needs to be done to stop an active alcoholic from being around a little baby when drunk, if it comes to that... I'm all about protecting the baby.

Naturally I also hate to see a person go down in flames and lose the THIRD child in his life because of his own stupidity (this time). It's frikken tragic! Nevertheless, it's about the future generation.

At this point, it's been a week since he's been drunk. It's still rather nice - he's being reasonable, friendly and pretty relaxed, which is nice. We'll just take one day at a time, as usual, I guess...

Today's been another good day. I'm about to make cookies; I've organized some gifts for people to send out; done a little work; had a nice long nap I feel good today, calm, relaxed. My baby is relaxed. At this moment in time (and what more do we have?) everything is calm. My stuff is all in the spare room, but I feel good about that because it means, should anything take a turn, I could just load it into the car and leave. I feel I am in control of my own life, which is all one can really be in control of...

Hope that rambling made sense!
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Old 11-22-2009, 03:57 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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hi opus-

it is not uncommon for things to settle down temporarily once the addict feels a shift in their partner. you say he has stopped drinking since your first post here, for example. this is not surprising, nor uncommon.

my personal situation was the reverse of yours. i'm in the uk, but my family was in the states. i do understand being penniless, pregnant to an abusive drinker, in another country and in trouble.

i don't want to be alarmist, but i'm not sure how your situation is going to get any better, unless he re-enters recovery. however, you say he has been drinking since february, that's 10 months now. you also state he has a few DUIs under his belt (as did mine) so you have good cause to believe that he will drink and drive. what if he does this with the children in the car? or the baby?

may i ask, what is going to change once the new baby arrives?

may i ask, has he ever thrown anything or punched a door in anger?

my concern is that once you have this new little girl, you will really be trapped there and he will have rights to the child. you have a window of opportunity here, prior to the birth.

for myself, i know that i did not breathe a word of what was going on in my home to my friends and faimily. the good people here said to open my mouth and start talking.

may i ask, have you told anyone about what is going on? does your mother know? your friends where you live?

the fact that he hasn't drank for a week is par for the course. i would imagine he senses a shift in you and is quiet and calm, feeling your withdrawal.

i hope that you keep talking here, as things unfold. you will receive good support here.

what i discovered once i opened my mouth to those who loved me, was that the offers of help came flooding in. things which appeared insurmountable quickly solved themselves.

one last question, i know that you have all of your things packed, but do you have a getaway bag? i felt much better once i had one small backpack, with critical things, like my passport, birth certificate, a piece of paper with all account codes and phone numbers i might need, as well as a bit of cash.

i ended up needing to grab it quickly and go. i hope you are never in that situation but i rested a bit easier knowing i had those things available and ready.

naive
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Old 11-22-2009, 06:57 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Welcome to SR, Opus.

I´m very sorry for your loss and happy for your new baby who will be entering
the world soon.

I lived once in the kind of hell you described and got out. Reading self-help books helped me a lot, "Men who hate women and the women who love them" was my personal life-saver, because it´s approach is gentle and teaches how to build yourself up and gather strength while in the relationship and how to plan and leave if that will be your choice.

I then formed a group in my area for women who had similar problems and even if it took some time, I managed to starta happier life.

I´m not by any chance saying you should stay if he becomes very abusive. Leave if he threatens your safety and the safety of your child.

Glad you´re feeling relaxed today. Keep working on your support system, gather information about your rights and you´ll make it, one step at the time.

Love and light,

Last edited by Lilya; 11-22-2009 at 07:15 AM.
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Old 11-22-2009, 08:49 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
hi opus-
you also state he has a few DUIs under his belt (as did mine) so you have good cause to believe that he will drink and drive. what if he does this with the children in the car? or the baby?
Oh, if he ever tried to do that with their his children or the baby in the car, I would be straight on the phone to the police, no questions asked. I would do this with anyone else too - kids and alcohol do NOT mix!
Originally Posted by naive View Post
may i ask, what is going to change once the new baby arrives?
If nothing, I'm out. Gone. Totally *poof* - I told him that, and his whole family too!
Originally Posted by naive View Post
may i ask, has he ever thrown anything or punched a door in anger?
Honestly, yes, he's punched a door - twice. Never thrown anything - my ex did that - used to break my stuff to intimidate me. AP had punched a door, twice. Different doors.
Originally Posted by naive View Post
my concern is that once you have this new little girl, you will really be trapped there and he will have rights to the child. you have a window of opportunity here, prior to the birth.
I am not worried about his standing up in court, should it come to that, and winning any substantial rights to see a tiny baby. He'd be well advised to come to an out of court agreement with me concerning that, if it were to come to it, because there'd be no way in hell I'd leave her with him if he were drinking. Period. And I am well prepared already to show evidence that he's not to be trusted during any kind of alcoholic relapse... I've got my evidence already...
Originally Posted by naive View Post
may i ask, have you told anyone about what is going on? does your mother know? your friends where you live?
Yep, several of my friends know (one has offered me her upstairs to stay in), my mother knows, his mother knows (and is on my side), his brother knows (and is on my side), his sister knows (and has also offered me a place to stay) - so I'm not keeping quiet about it. There was a time, of course, where I was trying to fix everything and not let his little secret out, but that's been gone now for a few months.
Originally Posted by naive View Post
the fact that he hasn't drank for a week is par for the course. i would imagine he senses a shift in you and is quiet and calm, feeling your withdrawal.
I agree!
Originally Posted by naive View Post
i hope that you keep talking here, as things unfold. you will receive good support here.
I most certainly will
Originally Posted by naive View Post
what i discovered once i opened my mouth to those who loved me, was that the offers of help came flooding in. things which appeared insurmountable quickly solved themselves.
You are right - the living with him thing is not something I am bound to, with two other places to go. I am just trying to give him the most time I can to "see the light" by himself, as it were. I can't change him, but I can give him a little time. I'm self employed, so it doesn't really matter where I work from. I'm quite free to leave at any time, and I do feel empowered by that fact.
Originally Posted by naive View Post
one last question, i know that you have all of your things packed, but do you have a getaway bag? i felt much better once i had one small backpack, with critical things, like my passport, birth certificate, a piece of paper with all account codes and phone numbers i might need, as well as a bit of cash.
I've been thinking I should do this actually! A few things for me and the baby and the passport, etc etc. I think I will get that into a bag, or a couple of bags in the next couple of days. Having my stuff all together is awesome, but you totally hit the nail on the head - the last thing I want to be doing in the event of an emergency is lugging 17 bin bags full of clothes to the car

Thank you X
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Old 11-22-2009, 10:15 PM
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Opus! You sound like you're doing great. You have a backup plan, places to go, and you sound really strong and healthy! I'm so glad. Relieved really. I hope you keep us updated.
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Old 11-23-2009, 06:04 AM
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Oh wow, yes, I definitely will! Everyone here has been so great so far - really given me support, and just the replies have made me feel so much stronger and less alone. Thank you all so much so far! Anyway, as we all know, living with an alcoholic is extremely unpredictable at best, so what is true today may be out of the window tomorrow...lol

Hope you're all having good Mondays! x
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