I have to be honest...I read your post last night but felt so many triggers that I couldn't respond until today. There is a sticky with my name on it above. Read it. I was pregnant when I found this board and I still am here today. Love these people. Nothing has changed with exah except he no longer lives here.

I trigged when I read your post. I didn't lose a child and I am so sorry for your loss, but I remember how awful I was feeling being pregnant and living with an A. This baby is not going to make him sober. You now need to do what you can to protect this child from the life of an A. He is only going to get worse.

I still hurt..(read my post from today), but the one blessing is my baby is away from the madness. I remember when she was first born and I had to hover over her making sure he never held her because I didn't know if he was drinking or not. I could never leave her with him to run to the grocery store or the post office. It was frightening.

I know how hopeless you feel right now. But you are mommy to that little one and the only protection she/he has.

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, and you are right on when you refer to staying with a drowning person.

LaTeeDa recently talked here at SR about feeling like swimming around with an anchor tied to your neck. That's what it was like for me when I was with my EXAH.

God placed some very loving people in my life who took me under their wings and literally into their home to help me escape that life. I will always be grateful for that.

Please keep posting and know that you are among friends. :ghug2

Dear Opus, first of all, welcome, and I'm very glad you found SR. It has been my lifesaver.

Second, I am very sorry for your lost angel. As a young mother, I can only imagine the heartbreak.

Third, like others who read your post, I feel like our lives have a lot of similarities.

I too was a pregnant wife of a heavy drinker (my daughter is now 1), and I too have been a stepmother. I honestly wish I had found Al-Anon when i was pregnant, because I would have spent less time blaming MYSELF and more time figuring out what *I* want, what *I* can live with and what make ME happy. I spent 5 years focusing on HIM but when my daugther arrived, the world trembled for me.

I'm almost ashamed to say that my pregnancy started on a very bad foot. My X and I had a horrendous fight where he asked me to choose between him and my best friend, who was urging me (rather loudly) to leave him. I shamefully chose him and told my friend that she and I were done; to "prove" my loyalty, I threw my pills out. Why? I was desperate to keep him, despite how much he verbally and emotionally abused me. I felt I didn't deserve better! Less than 2 months later, I was pregnant. That's how my beautiful daughter was created--in the midst of conflict and mistrust. It still saddens me today. And yet, she's here now, and she has CHANGED MY LIFE COMPLETELY.

I think that you are now starting to realize how much your child will impact your life and that it will be your duty/priviledge to protect him or her. That realization hit me when I held my 2 month old baby girl in my arms, while she bawled because my husband had screamed at me. The beginning of the end...

My daughter made me realize that I needed to stop focusing on my alcoholic husband--what he did, why he did it, what he was doing or thinking or feeling or saying--and focus on ME, so I could be there to protect her. If mama isn't healthy in mind, body and spirit, baby suffers.

My little girl is the reason I left my husband 3 weeks ago. I couldn't imagine letting her grow up like my stepson, who is so used to his father's constant angry outbursts, cussing and manipulation. I couldn't allow her to grow up thinking that it's ok for a man to treat a woman the way my husband treated me. I overcame my fear and my guilt at leaving my husband because I knew I had to do it for HER.

I also empathize with you on the stepchild front; I am struggling this very moment with realizing that I may well have to LET GO of my stepson, because he is still a minor, still very much under his father's influence, and I have no legal rights to him. I am trying to maintain a relationship with him, but my X husband is doing everything he can to turn him against me or at the very least, sever our bond. I've done what I can to communicate to him that I will always be there for him if he needs me, but he has to reach out to me. I cannot force him to do so. I've called social services, opened a file for him so if ever his father gets out of hand and my stepson calls it in, there's a papertrail....but that's all I can do. I'm having to accept that I cannot save everyone. I have to save myself.

I sincerely hope you keep posting everyday here (or three, four, five times a day like ME!); the support I have found here is unparalleled.

noday, you are very brave to admit something like this. Conception of our daughter was similar because we were 'making up' after some drinking-related crap. But I can never regret my path because my daughter is here and is a beautiful light in my life. She also gave me the strength to change my situation, or even an excuse when I couldn't quite muster the courage. As I continue with Al Anon, it really is strength, strength I hope to call on regularly as I now deal with trying to rebuild a relationship in sobriety. She and I must always come first for me - as long as I can maintain that mindset then I will do what must be done to make us healthy and happy and safe. I hope the same for Opus too.

Hi Opus, I am glad you are here in SR (hugs)

You said:


I have to sleep next to this man who smells like booze, or if I don't, I'm alone. I would be fine being alone if I were single, but I'm not supposed to be single.

Whose voice is the one saying you are not "supposed" to be single? I read you are seeking a safe place for you and your baby, yet it seems there is a stronger voice than yours that prevents you to go for it.

You are not supposed to do or not do anything, it is your life, your decisions....whoever makes you feel bad for deciding to have a peaceful life without a partner is someone who is not worth your friendship.

I am so sorry for the loss of your first baby. Perhaps she was planned by God/HP to be your angel and your strength now. Perhaps her goal was to be your courage, now when you need it most. I know she is taking care of you just like all our loved ones who left before us... and she would like to see you and your little one, fine and healthy, for you two, for her, because you deserve it so much!!

Hope I was not over the top, this is what I truly believe... of course just my humble beliefs.

You are not alone

All the best to you ((prayers)) :ghug3

I would like to start out by expressing my condolences to the lost of your child and glad you lived to see another day.

Having been around dysfunctional situations most of my life I can't help but to ask why do you want to bring a child into the world when you are in such a unsettling surrounding ?

You don't say if you are capable of supporting yourself or not, but unless you want this new baby to experience the abuse that you yourself is allowing... you had better think about leaving town and not looking back. I highly doubt this man will pay you child support.

You have some important decisions to make right now for you and your unborn child. Obviously he is not going to stop his abusiveness and your codependency issues will not provide a healthy environment for this child, maybe adoption ?

Honestly I'm not trying to be mean or ugly... just acknowledging the obvious.

I hope you have the strength to make the right decision concerning the welfare of yourself and the baby.

Are you serious? Adoption? Wow! No, thank you, I don't think so.

The adoption comment was totally uncalled for. Ignore!

For the rest of you, thank you so much :)

I say "I'm not supposed to be single" because well, you know, when one lives with someone and is in a supposed relationship, it's bloody depressing to have to sleep alone while at the same time, being someone's girlfriend - you know?

When it comes down to it, if I have to go it alone, I have to go it alone. You know, recently he's been drinking much less than before - but now, every time he does drink, I feel like it's my last straw - you know what I mean?

Right now, today, we're sitting in a situation where he's actually not had a drink since I wrote the very first post - since I started the thread. There were many weeks before, since May, where he'd drink you know, 5 or 6 days a week. Perhaps my glass now is to the top, where any drinking just gets right under my skin. I'm sure this is soooo familiar to all of you! :)

In an ideal universe (not that this is an ideal universe) I would really love for him to seek help with the alcohol, obviously, but then also to get some counseling for his issues with people and with life. He's depressed, sure - not my issue, but I love him - of course I do, as we all love the ones who have problems in our lives. The problematic relapse is SO predictable as well - since Josie's death.

Thing is, years ago, back in 2000, he also lost his first daughter with his ex, who we will call "A" due to PROM at about 25 weeks or so. So this is a frikken' double whammy for him. Sure, it doesn't give him a right to treat anyone like cr@p, but holy crud, ya know? This doesn't mean to say that I'm not going to up and be out of here if he doesn't calm down completely (and as I say, it's now Tuesday and I think I wrote that post on Saturday), but my God, it's tragic - how many people lose two children to stillbirth in one life? He hasn't coped well, no, but that would be enough to drive one to complete insanity in certain cases...

Anyhow, not making so many excuses here - but one thing is for sure. Were I to leave, I would certainly be able to get child support from him. He is what one would call a "functional" alcoholic - he's not missed a day of work in about 9 months. He's all over the place emotionally, yes, but he's "functional" lol!

I think I will just keep coming back here - this seems to be an intelligent place to be :)

Though I have to say I am still reeling from the adoption comment - seriously, out of all the things ever, ever, EVER said to me after the loss of Josie, that has to be the most... Well, I can't say any more. Just head-shaking. Really! No offense intended and I have no doubt that the person in question is a very kind person and meant the best, but wow...! :O

*hugs*

I couldnt hold back tears while reading this - I wish I had something powerful to say to you - something that could make you feel better. But just coming and telling us this probably took a lot off your chest - Have you considered going to al-anon? I hope you and your baby will be ok - The only thing I can say is what EVERYONE tells me - take care of yourself first. You are the most important person you have - and when your baby is born they will believe the same thing *more hugs*

My buddy was a functional alcoholic, I don't think he missed 3 days work in the 15 yrs I've known him.... He died 2 weeks ago. I never saw how much he drank because he never drank that much in front of me or when he was away from home, he didn't drink and drive. But when he was home alone, that was a different story. Like I said... he is dead now.

I see the pattern clearly.... He is so bad that you don't know what to do, but now that I dare bring up the fact that your pregnant, no means of support and in a abusive relationship (YOUR OWN WORDS).... Now, he's not so bad, in fact he's suddenly getting better.

One day you are going to have to stop enabling and making excuses for him and yourself. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so blunt, but you are about to bring a child into this world, shouldn't it have a chance of being raised in a healthy environment ?

Opus, I came from a verbally abusive environment and I know first hand what the effects are on children when they are subjected to such things.

I do wish you well and hope you get the help you need for your children.

Be well,

Well of course the child should have a chance of being raised in a healthy environment: which is exactly why I'm reaching out. I'm pregnant (which is a very emotional state to be in, believe me - hormones are all crazy and out of whack!) with a child I love very much indeed. I lost my last child completely and honestly, unless you've ever lost a child, you have no idea how that feels (sorry to be so blunt) at all - let alone almost dying in the process yourself.

Clearly I want to raise my child in the best environment possible. I am also terribly sad about the relapse and the damage it has caused our little family. Moving everything out of a house during the third trimester is not easy, either physically or mentally, believe me. Nevertheless I do know I have to make a decision before the child enters this world.

I do appreciate honesty, I really do - but there are some situations, like childloss, that one ought only to be honest about if one has been through them and from your reply, I would be extremely surprised if you had. To suggest to a mother who has lost her first child, that she ought to consider giving her second up for adoption is pretty cruel...

Hang in there Opus, Evrything will fall into place when it is time....Just stay safe and if that means leaving "things" behind... leave them...

When I was 19 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I always say she saved my life because I left the abuse of a drug addict and alcoholic.because she came first. her saftey is also the reason I left my husband who addopted her,......then drove her when he was drunk. Left him that night! Your child is #1!
May God bless you and guide you.

I can't wait to have this child...you know, even when your child dies, at birth, you sit there holding him or her and exactly the same emotions come over you as if the child were alive - all that love, that protection, everything. Except for when the child has died, that emotion had nowhere to go...you have to give your baby up to a funeral director instead of putting her in a crib - but, you still feel this huge, overpowering, overwhelming love.

I've been waiting so long for her to arrive, this new one. Six weeks away cannot come soon enough... If it has to be just her and I, then we will be fine together and I will show her that life can be beautiful.

Just felt like writing that... :)

Awww Opus!! What a lucky little baby to have you. You two will be just fine. :D

Opus...I don't know if anyone mentioned this, but have you considered not putting your X's name on your child's birth certificate? From what I understand, this might make things a lot easier for you afterwards if you want to cut him out of your life. He would effectively have no legal rights to the child. It does however prevent you from asking for child support...

Couldn't he just demand a paternity test?

Oops my apologies, I was spreading misinformation. Apparently, the only thing that can be done is a legal termination of parental rights, approved before the courts. That is what will prevent him from being involved in the child's life, but he may still be held to support this child financially through a court order.

Lol - also, he's actually not my ex - he's my boyfriend at this time :)

We'll just have to see what happens. My actual EX - now he was something else! With him I had to be very worried about being killed on an almost daily basis. My current boyfriend is never physically violent with anyone - he's verbally and emotionally abusive when he drinks. My ex was everything, all at once - it was truly horrendous living with him. I mean, this is no walk in the park, believe me, but my EX...he was really not a good situation at all. He liked to bite, throw me against things, restrain, asphyxiate - all sorts - and the stuff that would come out of his mouth was just unbelievable. REALLY bad. About 10 times worse than this at least - just verbally.

Actually I think back sometimes and wonder how lucky I was to get out of the relationship alive! Ironically the EX is now in recovery, AA and NA. Doing rather well - even apologized to me about nine months ago, genuinely. Which was nice actually, after almost being killed by him several times, one tends to want an apology ;) :D

This is an emotionally charged situation, and one that brings out some strong opinions from people. I've received some correspondence regarding this thread.... so as a moderator, I'd like to make a few suggestions/observations.

(1) it's best if you share your own experience, strength and hope. It's much better to say "this is what I did, what I learned etc" than this is what I think YOU should do etc.""
(2) Say what you mean, mean what you say, but please don't say it mean.
(3) It's good to understand that we come from all situations, all walks of life, all over the world. Male, female, married, single, straight, gay... we each have our own distinct views and experiences.
(4) If someone has an opinion or response that really bugs you, feel free to hit the ignore button. (click on the posters name, then at the bottom of the list there is the option to "add xyz to your ignore list" )

Thanks. Feel free to PM me anytime if you have a question or concern.

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