Your thoughts please
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Your thoughts please
My xabf and his ex before me broke up in June 2005. We got together in April 2006 and broke up earlier this year a month after our third anniversary. The relationship was good most of the time (probably because we never lived together). If there were any problems it was that he would suddenly break up with me when things seemed to be going well. (This happened a lot, to the point where it stopped bothering me as I knew he'd be back!) Well he did it again in May, this time dragging it out for two weeks while 'makes up his mind', then he went no contact mid-June. Apart from one abusive text at the end of July.
In our first year together he was still rebounding from his ex. He'd ring her when he wasn't with me, but she didn't want to know.
In July this year - six weeks after I'd last heard from my ex, two months after I'd had anything to do with any of our mutual friends, I had a friend request on FB from one of those friends, which I accepted, tho I didn't make any communication with her after. That same day I had a phone call from another friend in the same circle - on my mobile (tho admittedly my ex had had the phone for a time) who asked 'Is that Clare?' (Ex's new partner), when I said no and told him who I was he said, "Is XXX with you?" knowing full well we weren't together any more. We then went on to have a bit of a catch up and then said our goodbyes. I am extremely pleased to say I never once mentioned my ex's name or anything about him or her.
My friends from work were suspicious that I'd had this from two old friends who are friends with my ex, both on the same day, out of the blue. But I said I didn't think it was my ex's style to play games. With his ex he just tried to ring her himself, not involving anyone else, and not playing games. Then later that same day as the phone call and FB request I got an abusive text from the ex saying 'Stop getting involved with people I know and take the f-ing pictures of me off FB'. My friends think this text arrived because I wasn't inquiring about him or bleating on about how much I missed him
Then two or three months ago I was out at dinner with two friends and I had a missed call, number with-held, on a Saturday night about 12.30am. Two more 'numbers with-held' calls followed over the next two weeks. On these occasions I answered the phone but the person hung up. Nothing since.
Last Friday on my other mobile I had a text - 'Can you talk to me one min without arguing please' - I read it and instantly thought it was my ex. It could have made sense as to how things were left between us. My friends from work were instantly suspicious. I rang the number. It rang for a while but then a man picked up. I said I'd had this text and he asked who I was. I said Sam. He said the text was meant for his ex - Leona. (My ex is Lee). As I was about to get off the phone he then said, "I must know you though as your number is in my phone." I asked him where he lived - he said the same city I live in. He then either asked, and I can't remember which question it was, where I lived or where I worked. He then said he must know me as he had my number. He said his name was Dennis (I don't know anyone of that name!) and then asked if I went out in my home city as I may have given him my number then. I was with my ex who lived 30 miles away for three years and never went out in my home city. Even if I did go out, I am not the type to give my number to men in bars. And I've hardly gone out since breaking up with my ex and have been totally off men since anyway.
My friends think my ex is something to do with this. I did FB search 'Dennis' as obviously the site brings up people of the relevant names who are mutual friends with my friends. Very few Dennises and not one listed under my region.
But my friends' points are that the wording of the original text was to hook me in to ringing, if it was a wrong number he would have let it go, if he wanted to know whether he knew me why did he not just ask my surname, why did he ask where I lived / worked. (Incidentally I have been posting on FB in the last couple of weeks that I have a new job and am moving and my ex and I and his new woman all have mutual friends and my profile is open to friends of friends. My friends definitely think the text and the call were some sort of set up.
I'm not convinced. But at the same time, am I really being naive if I believe that my ex has nothing to do with any of this - ie the two friends contacting me on the same day, the silent phone calls and now this text? I just don't think it's him as I just think he'd contact me himself if he wanted it. Then again most of the time we were together we were so close. I gave him everything, including a roof over his head for two years out of my pocket. Could it be that the cold, nasty way in which he ended it has resulted in him trying to make contact in a more cowardly way? When I think about it these incidents have all happened a couple of months apart.
What would you all say?
Sorry this is so long! I do ramble on!!!!!!:wtf2
In our first year together he was still rebounding from his ex. He'd ring her when he wasn't with me, but she didn't want to know.
In July this year - six weeks after I'd last heard from my ex, two months after I'd had anything to do with any of our mutual friends, I had a friend request on FB from one of those friends, which I accepted, tho I didn't make any communication with her after. That same day I had a phone call from another friend in the same circle - on my mobile (tho admittedly my ex had had the phone for a time) who asked 'Is that Clare?' (Ex's new partner), when I said no and told him who I was he said, "Is XXX with you?" knowing full well we weren't together any more. We then went on to have a bit of a catch up and then said our goodbyes. I am extremely pleased to say I never once mentioned my ex's name or anything about him or her.
My friends from work were suspicious that I'd had this from two old friends who are friends with my ex, both on the same day, out of the blue. But I said I didn't think it was my ex's style to play games. With his ex he just tried to ring her himself, not involving anyone else, and not playing games. Then later that same day as the phone call and FB request I got an abusive text from the ex saying 'Stop getting involved with people I know and take the f-ing pictures of me off FB'. My friends think this text arrived because I wasn't inquiring about him or bleating on about how much I missed him
Then two or three months ago I was out at dinner with two friends and I had a missed call, number with-held, on a Saturday night about 12.30am. Two more 'numbers with-held' calls followed over the next two weeks. On these occasions I answered the phone but the person hung up. Nothing since.
Last Friday on my other mobile I had a text - 'Can you talk to me one min without arguing please' - I read it and instantly thought it was my ex. It could have made sense as to how things were left between us. My friends from work were instantly suspicious. I rang the number. It rang for a while but then a man picked up. I said I'd had this text and he asked who I was. I said Sam. He said the text was meant for his ex - Leona. (My ex is Lee). As I was about to get off the phone he then said, "I must know you though as your number is in my phone." I asked him where he lived - he said the same city I live in. He then either asked, and I can't remember which question it was, where I lived or where I worked. He then said he must know me as he had my number. He said his name was Dennis (I don't know anyone of that name!) and then asked if I went out in my home city as I may have given him my number then. I was with my ex who lived 30 miles away for three years and never went out in my home city. Even if I did go out, I am not the type to give my number to men in bars. And I've hardly gone out since breaking up with my ex and have been totally off men since anyway.
My friends think my ex is something to do with this. I did FB search 'Dennis' as obviously the site brings up people of the relevant names who are mutual friends with my friends. Very few Dennises and not one listed under my region.
But my friends' points are that the wording of the original text was to hook me in to ringing, if it was a wrong number he would have let it go, if he wanted to know whether he knew me why did he not just ask my surname, why did he ask where I lived / worked. (Incidentally I have been posting on FB in the last couple of weeks that I have a new job and am moving and my ex and I and his new woman all have mutual friends and my profile is open to friends of friends. My friends definitely think the text and the call were some sort of set up.
I'm not convinced. But at the same time, am I really being naive if I believe that my ex has nothing to do with any of this - ie the two friends contacting me on the same day, the silent phone calls and now this text? I just don't think it's him as I just think he'd contact me himself if he wanted it. Then again most of the time we were together we were so close. I gave him everything, including a roof over his head for two years out of my pocket. Could it be that the cold, nasty way in which he ended it has resulted in him trying to make contact in a more cowardly way? When I think about it these incidents have all happened a couple of months apart.
What would you all say?
Sorry this is so long! I do ramble on!!!!!!:wtf2
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By the way I don't know why I blanked ex's name out with XXXX when I then went on to name him after!! It's late and I'm tired. Talking about that tho, my friends' other point was L for 'Leona' is nowhere near 'S' for Sam on the mobile. So how could he have confused the two? And if he genuinely had my name on his mobile, why did he ask who I was when I rang him
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I'd say: What does it matter who it is and why? Don't answer, don't respond, don't talk to people who you know might be in-league with him unless you really want to talk to / spend time with them for your own purposes....If you don't engage, eventually it'll stop -- whoever it is.
freya
freya
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I know you're right Freya. It's just if you go back over my old posts you'd see for months I wanted him to get back in touch! (Codie alert!!!!) Now I'm just about at the point where I'm getting over it all and then weird things like this happen.
Am just scared I suppose. I did want him back but now I'm scared at the idea of it.
Am just scared I suppose. I did want him back but now I'm scared at the idea of it.
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Location: Brooklyn, NY
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Have to agree - it doesnt matter if he is behind it. You are much better off out of it and frankly "Dennis" shouldnt have been asking you where you live and work. That's kind of stalkery. I hope you didnt give him details.
Stay away and stay safe.
Stay away and stay safe.
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Originally Posted by NYC_Chick 
It doesn't matter, but alcoholics have a way of knowing when you're just about over it and magically appear somehow. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Hugs!
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Narcissism, yes.
My father is a narcissist.
He didn't speak to his father for 10 years, not even up till his death. But one year my father actually manufactured a letter and sent it to his father. This letter was from a "nun". And contained information about a son who was trying to reach out to his father, expressing pain and hurt.
It was incredible the lengths he went to to try and make my grandfather pick up the phone and reach out to him. My father is ALWAYS the victim (in his world), and couldn't just pick up the phone and say "hey, i'm sorry and I miss you."
And now, he doesn't speak to me either.
If it is your ex, he is going to great lengths to make you wonder. Don't give him the satisfaction! I went NO contact my A a couple of months ago after he went back to his ex wife. But he's manipulative, and blocked me from fb, then unblocked me...then put up a pic of him happy with his ex. (it's a long ridiculous story, and I wish I never got involved and trusted him)...anyway, the point is he wants reactions and to know he's still wanted. Well, the reaction I gave him was that I blocked him. And I have no intention of unblocking him. Hope he's happy in the relationship that he told me was SO miserable before he left her the first time!
Ignore him.... your life is too precious. All of our lives are too precious.
My father is a narcissist.
He didn't speak to his father for 10 years, not even up till his death. But one year my father actually manufactured a letter and sent it to his father. This letter was from a "nun". And contained information about a son who was trying to reach out to his father, expressing pain and hurt.
It was incredible the lengths he went to to try and make my grandfather pick up the phone and reach out to him. My father is ALWAYS the victim (in his world), and couldn't just pick up the phone and say "hey, i'm sorry and I miss you."
And now, he doesn't speak to me either.
If it is your ex, he is going to great lengths to make you wonder. Don't give him the satisfaction! I went NO contact my A a couple of months ago after he went back to his ex wife. But he's manipulative, and blocked me from fb, then unblocked me...then put up a pic of him happy with his ex. (it's a long ridiculous story, and I wish I never got involved and trusted him)...anyway, the point is he wants reactions and to know he's still wanted. Well, the reaction I gave him was that I blocked him. And I have no intention of unblocking him. Hope he's happy in the relationship that he told me was SO miserable before he left her the first time!
Ignore him.... your life is too precious. All of our lives are too precious.
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I have received countless phone calls over the years. Once it was a girl who had been sleeping with My A and he and I were still in moderate contact, we were even sexual. this woman pretended to be taking a survey.
She slipped up, and I realized she knew too much about me. Then she began telling me that I am horrible for what I did to "him".
He gets drunk, sleeps around, and who knows what he tells people, and half the time he doesnt even remember these women, but they have several times become obsessive about him.
One of his girls parked outside my house for a few nights. I saw her, I ended up getting a restraining order.
There is no making sense of who they are, why they are involved, what they are seeking...I do know enough about his drunk world to know that there can be alot of chaos and craziness, and CRAZIES. People who are just as F'ed up as him or more. And he inadvertently brought them into my world.
I have also received facebook and myspace requests from people(females) who ended up being names that I later found in his phone, or learned he had had a "thing" with.
There is no logic to set to it. Even if there is no promiscuity involved. I now am very selective about all that stuff.
She slipped up, and I realized she knew too much about me. Then she began telling me that I am horrible for what I did to "him".
He gets drunk, sleeps around, and who knows what he tells people, and half the time he doesnt even remember these women, but they have several times become obsessive about him.
One of his girls parked outside my house for a few nights. I saw her, I ended up getting a restraining order.
There is no making sense of who they are, why they are involved, what they are seeking...I do know enough about his drunk world to know that there can be alot of chaos and craziness, and CRAZIES. People who are just as F'ed up as him or more. And he inadvertently brought them into my world.
I have also received facebook and myspace requests from people(females) who ended up being names that I later found in his phone, or learned he had had a "thing" with.
There is no logic to set to it. Even if there is no promiscuity involved. I now am very selective about all that stuff.
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Chrysalis it's funny what you say about narcissism. Somebody on this site a few months ago posted a great piece about narcissism which I printed out and highlighted relevant parts. If I can find it I'll post it.
Weirdly enough on Friday I received a text saying 'Further to your next steps interview a couple of months ago your unique learning number is ......'. Didn't know what that meant and have only deleted it about 10 mins ago. I believe this may also be something to do with him as he lost his job two or three months ago. We have had no contact since mid June. But it looks like he may have been giving my number out as his own. To let me know he's getting himself together? Who knows.
Weirdly enough on Friday I received a text saying 'Further to your next steps interview a couple of months ago your unique learning number is ......'. Didn't know what that meant and have only deleted it about 10 mins ago. I believe this may also be something to do with him as he lost his job two or three months ago. We have had no contact since mid June. But it looks like he may have been giving my number out as his own. To let me know he's getting himself together? Who knows.
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Further to my post above - here is the post Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) : Traits discussed
It was posted by Queenie originally, certainly helped me understand a few things! Thanks Queenie. You, NYC Chick, CNMC2C and TC are among a number of people who have helped me find myself again! Then again I think you and I were going through the same thing at the same time with our XABFs weren't we.
I hope this narcissism link is of use to a few people, I know it was to me! Frightening!
It was posted by Queenie originally, certainly helped me understand a few things! Thanks Queenie. You, NYC Chick, CNMC2C and TC are among a number of people who have helped me find myself again! Then again I think you and I were going through the same thing at the same time with our XABFs weren't we.
I hope this narcissism link is of use to a few people, I know it was to me! Frightening!
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By the way Bunny I didn't reveal where I was working or living. I do wonder tho if it's to do with the fact I've posted on FB I'm moving and starting a new job. Also Kitty would you say my xabf is narcisstic? People can display traits without actually being so. Actually that takes me back to our first new year's eve together (2006-7) and we stayed in with his mum playing trivial pursuit! (We hadn't the money to go out). He was describing the word narcissistic to me but I didn't know what he was trying to say. He then said, 'What am I?' Those three words haunt me now! I never would have thought he was till I read that link Queenie posted.
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