heavenlyone

I'm just sitting here after a run with AH over the phone and wondering where all my confidence is, where is all my self esteem gone.

I'm setting my boundaries and trying to stick to them.

He is making me feel like I am crazy.

I am crazy.

I must be crazy to try and set boundaries with this man when he just doesn't care, he really doesn't care about me.

I am trying really hard to detach, really hard.

I've barely seen him for 3-4 weeks. I've told him nothing about my life in the last 3-4 weeks (not that he's asked)

I can't change him, I keep telling myself that but it's like I don't really believe it.

Me - "You don't care that you lie to me. You don't care that I don't trust you"
Him - "Why is everyone breaking my balls lately"

I am crazy and I think I do believe that I don't deserve anymore.

sigh

neecey1224

Maybe it is time to go no contact? That crazy feeling comes from the manipulation and the fact that you are dealing with a completely irrational disease. It also appears that you are looking for answers/validation from the addict, which is a lost cause. He is sick. You aren't going to guilt him into health. Just like we can't love them into health.

The word "crazy" is associated with the word "insanity." "Insanity" is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You feel like you are crazy because you continue to participate in the insanity, and that is completely your choice. Remove yourself from the insanity - refuse to participate - go no contact - and you will discover that you are NOT crazy. The disease and its victims are crazy.

And, you know, this is the tricky thing about this disease. And sometimes this is hard for us to wrap our minds around, but it is the TRUTH. ***ALL victims of addiction are VOLUNTEERS*** Can you think of another disease that can make this claim? So the next question is, when are you going to stop volunteering? If you don't like being a victim of addiction, stop volunteering.

neecey1224

And you DO deserve better. Never ever give up on yourself!

coyote21

Man am I ever glad I logged on this morning. I've attended Alanon for almost 4 years and if I ever heard this before, I wasn't paying attention.

It took me years to stop blaming my axw for ALL the mess and to take responsibility for my part, sticking around and being a party to it. It all boils down to those "six words".

They say when the student is ready the teacher will appear. True that.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

intheknow

Agree...great post. Volunteer you say? My hand must have been the highest in the room!

RAH - supposedly healthy and happy - told me just the other day that my eyes are saying something different than my mouth, so he is going to believe my eyes. My eyes are telling him that I still love him and want to be with him.

My mouth said ... "I am not in love with you anymore. I still care about you, but do not feel all the things you feel towards me."

I have laughed about his eyes/mouth bs for days. Does the denial and manipulation ever stop?

Learn2Live

Your self-esteem and confidence get sucked into the black hole of delusion each and every time you talk to him.

No sweetheart, HE is not making you do anything. Take responsibility for 100% of your feelings. Become quiet and observant by stepping out of the delusion. Understand: NO ONE can MAKE you feel anything. You have 100% control over your feelings. Only YOU have this control.

No. You are NOT crazy. You are involving yourself with a person who is diseased. This disease is very powerful. It affects EVERYone who comes in contact with it. The closer a person is to the addiction, the stronger the disease affects that person. Get distance.

Who you set the boundaries with, and how the other person feels, does not matter. This is you focusing on HIM. Focus on you now.

I call this "end-gaining." Detachment is not hard. It is a state of being. There are many mechanisms available to you to achieve detachment. Try releasing the idea of ownership of him in all ways possible. Try thinking this way (baby step): He is NOT your alcoholic husband. He is an individual, complete, whole person in and of himself. He is a man you married. He is not your anything.

This is excellent. See how strong you are? You have been able to not share with him for all this time but notice how you are hurt that he did not ask. You are disappointed because you believe he does not care. Whether or not he cares does not matter.

Yes, you do believe it. You know this in your mind. It is your desires that keep you in it. You want something from this person. What is it?

You are trying to get feelings of personal self-worth from him. When you hear yourself saying to someone else "You don't care" that is your self wanting to feel worthy.

This is him not able to give you the feelings you are asking him to give you. He is telling you that you are busting his balls trying to get YOUR needs met. He can't do it honey. He can't fill this void for you. Only you can do this.

Right. You tried to get your human need for feelings of self-worth fulfilled by him. He did not fulfill them. Now you even state "I don't deserve." (A person who has no worth deserves nothing, correct?) You are MAKING yourself crazy trying to fill the holes in your own self-esteem by trying to force him to fill them for you. "If he would just X, then I would Y." This is an unhealthy way of relating to yourself and the rest of the world. Find a healthy way.

Get a simple book at the library on self-esteem exercises. Don't talk to him today and take a bubble bath tonight and read the book.
Treat yourself well honey, you DO deserve it and YOU ARE WORTH EVERY BIT OF IT.

Still Waters

It distresses me to see something so patently false stated as truth here on SR. Words have meaning, and we have to be careful how we use them.

Children of alcoholics are not volunteers.
Children of drug addicts are not volunteers.
Addicted newborns didn't volunteer.
Spouses of alcoholics/addicts who have been married for many years and suddenly find themselves dealing with this are not volunteers.
My friend who is now addicted to pain killers after a horrible sporting accident is not a volunteer.

After having educated ourselves about the issue of alcoholism and addiction, and choosing to stay in that type situation, then we are volunteers.

Learn2Live

Yes, I agree, we have to be careful of the words we use because they become our automatic ways of thinking. Thank you for clarifying those truths for us in such a calm and personal manner.

JenT1968

it matters as far as whether that is acceptable to you in a marriage, whether someone else cares about you doesn't matter as far as your own self-worth goes. It says nothing about who you are (that's how I read it anyway).

Learn2Live

Yes, what JenT said is what I meant. It is deeper than just "what I want or don't want for "my" marriage". A marriage is simply a way of relating with another human being. Marriage carries with it very strong personal and societal expectations that many people are not able to meet or fulfill. When a person such as a person with addiction cannot, does not and/or will not meet those expectations, we as humans often tend to think it is because they do not love us or do not care about us enough. It is a fallacy to think this way, and a delusion we maintain and strengthen in our minds. WE have nothing to do with why the other person cannot, does not, and/or will not meet our expectations. When we begin to understand and believe this, we feel less hurt and are more easily able to let go.

neecey1224

You are absolutely correct, and I apologize for not seeing the big picture. There are most certainly innocent victims of addiction that have absolutely no responsibility for finding themselves being affected by the disease. Please accept my apologies, and thank you so much for the clarifications.