Kindeyes

I usually come to SR to get my head screwed on right. Reading the posts of others always helps me see things with clearer perspective. I read one this evening that made me think about choices.

In the post, the father was concerned about the choices his oldest daughter was making and he was concerned about how the situation was affecting his other children.

Here is what I wish I had done differently with my son who is an alcoholic and drug abuser:

1. I wish I had talked about choices...rather than trying to dictate to him.
2. I wish I had allowed him to make choices and face the GOOD, BAD & UGLY of those choices.
3. I wish I had discussed the repercussions of the choices that were made.

I guess, in retrospect, I may have tried to do it but I did it through lecture. I wish I had sat down with him and said "ok....it's YOUR choice" and discuss the possible outcomes. Then let HIM decide......and let HIM pay the piper or reap the rewards.

Because I chose to MAKE his decisions for him, protect him from his own mistakes, prevent him from enjoying the fruits of his OWN decisions......I feel that I crippled him.

I know I know......you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.......but if someone.....anyone.....can learn lessons through my mistakes (including myself!!).....my trials have purpose.

gentle hugs to all of you on this cold Friday night.

Spiritual Seeker

Most of us parents would have done some things differently,
no matter what our children become.

The beauty of life is that we can do things differently... today.
When we know better we do better.

One benefit I personally received from the Fourth step was to
learn where I ended and others began.

To 'let go" is to stop waiting for someone to learn their lesson
in order for our pain to stop and realize our own lessons.

To 'let go' is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To 'let go' is to fear less,
and to love more.

To 'let go' is not to blame,
It's to make the most of today.

To 'let go' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To 'let go' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

Kindeyes, Sorry to hear your son still struggles.
Continue to be patient and go easy on yourself.

Impurrfect

(((Kindeyes)))

If it makes you feel any better, I'm an RA with over 2-1/2 years of recovery, dealing with a few A's I love dearly. I KNOW what worked for me, as far as my family not enabling, letting me hit bottom, etc. but I STILL don't always make the right choices in allowing my loved ones to do the same.

I try, really hard not to enable, but in hindsight, I see where I've done it a few times. We do our best, we learn from our mistakes and we keep moving forward...sometimes taking a few steps backwards and then moving forward again. I"m sorry your son still struggles, also, but I think you're a good mom who needs to give herself a break.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

JenT1968

we all do the best we can, they don't come with an instruction book, and tehre is no perfect parent. Even when we know something is the best way to approach things, with our children the pull between that love that pervades our very cells and them testing every edge of our being sometimes whatever we can manage just has to be the "best thing".

we don't do anyone any favours by rescuing them all the time, but the odd knight in shining armour doesn't do huge damage. sometimes its a relief. It is an art of balance, following their lead, letting them have more and more independence whilst keeping them safe from choices they are too inexperienced to make, and unrealistic to expect that anyone would get it absolutely right all of the time.

I am a product of amongst other things my childhood and parental influences. They were a product of theirs. Not only is this not a bad thing, this makes me a product of a chain of ancestors who successfully navigated life's challenges and brought up children well enough that they survived to bring up their own. I come from a long line of winners. Not only that, but I am an adult now and there are a world of resources out there for me to pick my way through in order to choose to do things differently if I want. I love my parents and am hugely grateful to them for their love and parenting, they did the very, very, very best they could with the very best of intensions and with enormous love: what more could I ask?

You got your son to adulthood, and now he is making choices, give yourself a big cheer, the direction his life takes is all up to him now.