Just a vent, I guess.
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Just a vent, I guess.
I've had some, but very little, contact with xabf since I pretty much disappeared two weeks ago. He showed up at my work once and twice at my house. Last night we talked, for about two hours. I should say last night we spun in circles for two hours.
He said he wanted to be with me and was willing to do whatever it took but I need to meet him in the middle. He is a grown man and shouldn't have to live by rules (boundaries). For a little while I talked back....it's not rules you're living by, it's what I will and will not accept in my life. If you can't respect me than there is no us. It, of course, went back to meet me in the middle.
I've been thinking about it all night. Making this mental list of "whys". Why do I love him, why do I stay, what's so good about this relationship. And I unfortunately compared him to some of my past relationships and a few friendships I have now.
He remembered back to way back when when we were able to drink together and the good times we had. Said that all the times he's lost his temper while he was drinking was because of me and how I treated him. That I always expected the worse and it was my attitude that caused him to get angry and lose his cool. Why can't I just remember how much fun we used to have and try that again?
I said one night of fun doesn't forgive 100 awful, name calling, items throwing, doors slamming, yelling, screaming, passing out drunk nights. He said it's not like that happened EVERY time. I said one time was one too many. And I don't need that in my life. Of course, if I'd just stop expecting the worse then it wouldn't end up like that.
By the end of the conversation he told me that I either meet him half way (his half way is having a "normal" life of being able to drink on Friday and/or Saturday) or we'd have to figure something out. I told him we need to figure something out.
And of course I've sat here, wondering, questioning. Is he an alcoholic or am I just only seeing what's on the surface? Is he "quacking" or is he really, honestly telling me the truth? Had it not been for meetings and you guys and all I've read, learned, received, I would have given in to him.
But it doesn't really matter what the answers are to any of my questions. Fact is he flat out told me that he wants a normal life, which in his mind consists of drinking. And he cannot have a good time without drinking--including with me. I don't want....no, I CAN'T be with someone who can't have a good time with me unless he's drunk.
It's sad the things he's willing to leave behind. And the good I'm leaving behind hurts. It makes it very hard. But I'm not a can of beer, no matter what costume store I go to I never will be.
Alcoholism is such a sad, sad controlling agent.
He said he wanted to be with me and was willing to do whatever it took but I need to meet him in the middle. He is a grown man and shouldn't have to live by rules (boundaries). For a little while I talked back....it's not rules you're living by, it's what I will and will not accept in my life. If you can't respect me than there is no us. It, of course, went back to meet me in the middle.
I've been thinking about it all night. Making this mental list of "whys". Why do I love him, why do I stay, what's so good about this relationship. And I unfortunately compared him to some of my past relationships and a few friendships I have now.
He remembered back to way back when when we were able to drink together and the good times we had. Said that all the times he's lost his temper while he was drinking was because of me and how I treated him. That I always expected the worse and it was my attitude that caused him to get angry and lose his cool. Why can't I just remember how much fun we used to have and try that again?
I said one night of fun doesn't forgive 100 awful, name calling, items throwing, doors slamming, yelling, screaming, passing out drunk nights. He said it's not like that happened EVERY time. I said one time was one too many. And I don't need that in my life. Of course, if I'd just stop expecting the worse then it wouldn't end up like that.
By the end of the conversation he told me that I either meet him half way (his half way is having a "normal" life of being able to drink on Friday and/or Saturday) or we'd have to figure something out. I told him we need to figure something out.
And of course I've sat here, wondering, questioning. Is he an alcoholic or am I just only seeing what's on the surface? Is he "quacking" or is he really, honestly telling me the truth? Had it not been for meetings and you guys and all I've read, learned, received, I would have given in to him.
But it doesn't really matter what the answers are to any of my questions. Fact is he flat out told me that he wants a normal life, which in his mind consists of drinking. And he cannot have a good time without drinking--including with me. I don't want....no, I CAN'T be with someone who can't have a good time with me unless he's drunk.
It's sad the things he's willing to leave behind. And the good I'm leaving behind hurts. It makes it very hard. But I'm not a can of beer, no matter what costume store I go to I never will be.
Alcoholism is such a sad, sad controlling agent.
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Yeah, I hear ya. Right now though, I really don't care what he SAYS or what he DOES. It doesn't matter anymore, not to me anyway. I feel a little guilty sometimes, it sounds so cruel and harsh to just not give a damn about what the person you had such high hopes for and with says or does. But I've used up all my energy on him and I just don't have any left to offer.
YouTube - Jo Dee Messina - My give a damn's busted
YouTube - Jo Dee Messina - My give a damn's busted
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Well...It looks like he has spelled it out for you KV. He has told you what he wants to happen and the kind of relationship he wants. Can you accept those terms? Accepting those terms however would mean that you won't have any problem whatsoever. No mention, no nasty looks, no resentments, no silent treatment, no further punishments. If you KNOW you can, go for it. If you KNOW you can't, walk away now.
You and he have been doing this song and dance too long. Kv...look at the time you are wasting trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.
I hope you are able to make a final decision very soon and get on with the job of living life to the fullest.
Best to you my dear.
You and he have been doing this song and dance too long. Kv...look at the time you are wasting trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.
I hope you are able to make a final decision very soon and get on with the job of living life to the fullest.
Best to you my dear.
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Like I said, Gerry...
Originally Posted by kv816 
I really don't care what he SAYS or what he DOES. I've used up all my energy on him and I just don't have any left to offer.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Yes, I read that in your second post KV, but I'm confused....
If you don't give a damn wahat he says or does, why are you still speaking with him, much less going through the same o'l, same o'l conversations about your past/present relationship...?
As LT posts, "...Quit listening to what he says and pay attention to what he does" This phrase comes to mind when I read your posts. Your talking doesn't match your actions KV, so I'm just curious. It's certainly not criticism.
If you don't give a damn wahat he says or does, why are you still speaking with him, much less going through the same o'l, same o'l conversations about your past/present relationship...?
As LT posts, "...Quit listening to what he says and pay attention to what he does" This phrase comes to mind when I read your posts. Your talking doesn't match your actions KV, so I'm just curious. It's certainly not criticism.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 225
He refuses boundaries (which true 'grown' people heartily welcome) and offers only two alternatives, 'meet half way' or 'work something out'.
Why does 'do without you' not feature on the list?
If he wants to drink he can do it without you.
Why does 'do without you' not feature on the list?
If he wants to drink he can do it without you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
my H says everything would be fine if I would just be that NICE, CARING WIFE that I used to be. That I'm not trying at all, and that I need to show him I'm trying, in order for him to be nice back.
That's his interpretation of working on things, and meeting half way.
Every time I hear it I groan. I'm working on my strength to accept and walk away. Good luck to you, it's a crummy place to be, on that sit N spin going in circles in your conversations. If you talk, you say the wrong thing and no one listens. If you don't stick up for yourself, they presume they are right and you agree. Then you get an earful. If you apologize, then they can prove to you and throw it in your face that you are at fault and are wrong, clearly. It's just a no-win situation..
Hope you can do what you are saying, and stop listening, stop talking, stop thinking about the madness. Good luck.
That's his interpretation of working on things, and meeting half way.
Every time I hear it I groan. I'm working on my strength to accept and walk away. Good luck to you, it's a crummy place to be, on that sit N spin going in circles in your conversations. If you talk, you say the wrong thing and no one listens. If you don't stick up for yourself, they presume they are right and you agree. Then you get an earful. If you apologize, then they can prove to you and throw it in your face that you are at fault and are wrong, clearly. It's just a no-win situation..
Hope you can do what you are saying, and stop listening, stop talking, stop thinking about the madness. Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
OH KV, I know how hard this is. I have played many rounds of "it's over, it's over, c'mon over." I've had more than one guy whose isms got in the way of a good relationship. Well, actually, it was my reaction to and problems WITH the isms that caused the problems, doncha know... Each of those guys was a really great guy. BUT. They always had a but. He was a great guy BUT he drank too much, BUT he was jealous, BUT he had a mean temper once in awhile.
I wish I could say I was great at making a clean break when I need to, but I don't. I have to hang on for awhile and try to rationalize things. I want to believe that I've learned from my mistakes and that I can be a good partner, in a healthy relationship with give and take, compromises etc. Sometimes it takes me awhile to realize that I haven't chosen a healthy partner, so those things probably won't exist. And sometimes? It just isn't meant to be. Period.
The last guy I dated was the best of the bunch. He had a great job, he was highly educated, we had a wonderful time together... BUT he loved beer and wine. He loved them so much that he planned each and every activity around beer and wine. We belonged to brewing clubs. We went to festivals. He didn't drink gallons and gallons and he wasn't sloppy drunk or mean or irresponsible. It just came down to the fact that he couldn't seem to have fun or make a plan unless it involved wine or beer. I had a few "aha" moments and had to make a decision. It was so difficult to walk away from that relationship, but it was the healthy and necessary thing for me to do. Was he an alcoholic? I don't know. It wasn't my place to say. What I do know was that I had a problem with his drinking, so I had to make choices and decisions that were best for me.
I took some time and did some healing. Now I'm in a great relationship with a man who drinks the occasional beer or glass of wine with me when we go out. We have lots of fun doing a variety of activities that we both enjoy - and never once has it mattered if there is alcohol being served in order for us to make our plan. It's not even on our radar. And that is a much better place for me.
I wish I could say I was great at making a clean break when I need to, but I don't. I have to hang on for awhile and try to rationalize things. I want to believe that I've learned from my mistakes and that I can be a good partner, in a healthy relationship with give and take, compromises etc. Sometimes it takes me awhile to realize that I haven't chosen a healthy partner, so those things probably won't exist. And sometimes? It just isn't meant to be. Period.
The last guy I dated was the best of the bunch. He had a great job, he was highly educated, we had a wonderful time together... BUT he loved beer and wine. He loved them so much that he planned each and every activity around beer and wine. We belonged to brewing clubs. We went to festivals. He didn't drink gallons and gallons and he wasn't sloppy drunk or mean or irresponsible. It just came down to the fact that he couldn't seem to have fun or make a plan unless it involved wine or beer. I had a few "aha" moments and had to make a decision. It was so difficult to walk away from that relationship, but it was the healthy and necessary thing for me to do. Was he an alcoholic? I don't know. It wasn't my place to say. What I do know was that I had a problem with his drinking, so I had to make choices and decisions that were best for me.
I took some time and did some healing. Now I'm in a great relationship with a man who drinks the occasional beer or glass of wine with me when we go out. We have lots of fun doing a variety of activities that we both enjoy - and never once has it mattered if there is alcohol being served in order for us to make our plan. It's not even on our radar. And that is a much better place for me.
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Cats....yeah, that was one of the things I thought about comparing him to some of my closest friends. One guy in particular....treats me like a queen. Has a good job, good head on his shoulders, excellent boundaries for what he will and will not accept in his life. We are a great pair and I have never laughed so hard telling stories with someone. There is no physical attraction there for me but I enjoy our time together. He is a drinker, has his glass of whatever Friday night after work. Takes a trip once or twice a month with other friends to a club or bar. And that scares me. I'm just not ready for that, with anyone. The thought of drinking bothers me and it's something I need to work on. I know not everyone is an alcoholic or an abusive drunk but I'm just not ready to put my trust into someone yet. But spending time with this friend really helps me see that I am an enjoyable person. It helps me see myself clearer, both with how I used to be and how I want to be again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
My xabf did this too. His boundary was 2 drinks out socially, this was after confessing drinking a pint of whiskey a night. He eventually told me that the way he saw it, he could have fun and drink, or he could sit in a corner at parties with me and have a boring time. I'm sure the parties are fun without me. He's gone and I could not be happier. Keep moving forward. It gets better.
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by Found
If he wants to drink he can do it without you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi kv! 
I read somewhere "he has already told you everything, but perhaps its YOU that doesn't like what he said".
He thinks he can control his way of drinking? there you have it. Denial. What has changed? Nothing at all. Nothing valuable and real.
Go no contact.
Alone smiling again and feeling like yourself again, you feel it, you KNOW you can't go back to hell again.
Also, with someone hugging you, YOU, when you cry and when you laugh and when you are indifferent and when you are angry and when you are feeling whatever... you look back and the games start looking ridiculous... "love" IF you look this way, if you ACT this way, IF you become a doormat. That is not love. It is offensive to Love, to say it is present during those sad dynamics. Attraction, empathy, sympathy, affection, chemistry, passion, perhaps. But love?
Wishful thinking made me suffer too much. I hope you are much wiser than me. When you see facts, when you see reality, suffering subsides. I used to think it was very difficult to get over xabf. Lately I feel the opposite: it is very, very, very easy really. To be and stay away from someone like that. Its almost effortless.
Go no contact, give yourself that chance. No contact is the best medicine ever.
Maybe not a fan of Britney but you got to accept the lyrics apply to you
I read somewhere "he has already told you everything, but perhaps its YOU that doesn't like what he said".
He thinks he can control his way of drinking? there you have it. Denial. What has changed? Nothing at all. Nothing valuable and real.
Go no contact.
Alone smiling again and feeling like yourself again, you feel it, you KNOW you can't go back to hell again.
Also, with someone hugging you, YOU, when you cry and when you laugh and when you are indifferent and when you are angry and when you are feeling whatever... you look back and the games start looking ridiculous... "love" IF you look this way, if you ACT this way, IF you become a doormat. That is not love. It is offensive to Love, to say it is present during those sad dynamics. Attraction, empathy, sympathy, affection, chemistry, passion, perhaps. But love?
Wishful thinking made me suffer too much. I hope you are much wiser than me. When you see facts, when you see reality, suffering subsides. I used to think it was very difficult to get over xabf. Lately I feel the opposite: it is very, very, very easy really. To be and stay away from someone like that. Its almost effortless.
Go no contact, give yourself that chance. No contact is the best medicine ever.
Maybe not a fan of Britney but you got to accept the lyrics apply to you
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
We actually don't talk anymore. He doesn't have my phone number, can't email or instant/text message. That's why he showed up at work and then showed up at home, it's the only way he could get up with me. Since Halloween we've only talked three times for maybe two and half hours total. It's about as no contact as it's going to be until I move, which won't be until January.
You know what though, I'm cool with it all. All he's doing is reminding me that I am SOO much better off. I'm not ready for a relationship, even if he did stop coming over. But I can't be with him anymore. I'm almost thankful for the opportunity to see him...it's keeping me strong and forcing me to just move on. I have mixed emotions, after all I am only human. But I just don't have any energy or desire left to try to put out a fire with fire.
You know what though, I'm cool with it all. All he's doing is reminding me that I am SOO much better off. I'm not ready for a relationship, even if he did stop coming over. But I can't be with him anymore. I'm almost thankful for the opportunity to see him...it's keeping me strong and forcing me to just move on. I have mixed emotions, after all I am only human. But I just don't have any energy or desire left to try to put out a fire with fire.
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
No reason to be sorry. Like I said, I have mixed feelings and some moments are harder than others but it does get easier. I look at what we had and what I have with other people around me--close friends or not--and realize that there is so much more out there. He can quack all he wants to, but I just don't care anymore. Every episode we had my glass heart would crack or maybe even chip a little. The last time it shattered. Nothing HE can do to fix it. I just don't have anything left.
Thanks for the song. No, not a huge fan of her but I do love the song. She's got 68 ring/call tones with my phone....go figure, that's not one of them.
Thanks for the song. No, not a huge fan of her but I do love the song. She's got 68 ring/call tones with my phone....go figure, that's not one of them.
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