Moments of clarity
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Moments of clarity
I hope this thread doesn't come out wrong...lol
I'm just sitting here thinking about A. Which I am noticing is dwindling off I feel....thankfully. And I am healing. But I still can't help but analyze so much of what happened. I guess it's just part of the process.....
But I was thinking about me, his ex wife and all of you.
I have said that he told me HORRIBLE things about his ex. I heard the same thing about her that many of you have said you A's said about you....accused you of cheating, called you names, blamed everything on you! And on and on....
And yet he went back to her. And when he decided he had, he then told me what an angel she was.
Of course to sooth my own mind, self worth whatever I needed to tell myself, I would tell myself well, they deserve each other! He did nothing but manipulate and lie to me to get what he wanted...then he drops me from his life as if he could care less....she'll cheat again, she'll call him worthless again....yada yada yada....good go back to her!
I don't know her. I've never met her. All I know is that shs is 23, and whatever he chose to tell me about her. And their life was definitely filled with drinking. Sooooo he's going back to something where neither of them have changed (he certainly hasn't.....and all he would tell me is this summer she would call him drunk and yell at him).
And here I was, sympathizing with him, rescuing him, and not getting involved in his drinking but still maintaining that I felt he needed to stop. Yes, I realize that saying it does no good.
But then there are all of you. And you ALL are such smart, strong, extremely self aware, spiritual women....... and then it hit me. Who's to say his ex wife is not like all of you. That she is NOT the horrible person that he portrayed her to be. (obviously she's not that horrible since he said he would die without her).
And then who was I? I was that rebound girl, who didn't know it at the time, but I was the girl that he used while he left is ex until he wanted her back.
Just a different perspective I think, and one I think I just realized.
I'm just sitting here thinking about A. Which I am noticing is dwindling off I feel....thankfully. And I am healing. But I still can't help but analyze so much of what happened. I guess it's just part of the process.....
But I was thinking about me, his ex wife and all of you.
I have said that he told me HORRIBLE things about his ex. I heard the same thing about her that many of you have said you A's said about you....accused you of cheating, called you names, blamed everything on you! And on and on....
And yet he went back to her. And when he decided he had, he then told me what an angel she was.
Of course to sooth my own mind, self worth whatever I needed to tell myself, I would tell myself well, they deserve each other! He did nothing but manipulate and lie to me to get what he wanted...then he drops me from his life as if he could care less....she'll cheat again, she'll call him worthless again....yada yada yada....good go back to her!
I don't know her. I've never met her. All I know is that shs is 23, and whatever he chose to tell me about her. And their life was definitely filled with drinking. Sooooo he's going back to something where neither of them have changed (he certainly hasn't.....and all he would tell me is this summer she would call him drunk and yell at him).
And here I was, sympathizing with him, rescuing him, and not getting involved in his drinking but still maintaining that I felt he needed to stop. Yes, I realize that saying it does no good.
But then there are all of you. And you ALL are such smart, strong, extremely self aware, spiritual women....... and then it hit me. Who's to say his ex wife is not like all of you. That she is NOT the horrible person that he portrayed her to be. (obviously she's not that horrible since he said he would die without her).
And then who was I? I was that rebound girl, who didn't know it at the time, but I was the girl that he used while he left is ex until he wanted her back.
Just a different perspective I think, and one I think I just realized.
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This is so funny, because I just had a revelation about how the OW is not so different from me. I was livid when she sent me an email about how horrible I was to him, and blah, blah, blah. I have finally realized that not only is she only hearing his side of things, but he has also preempted me trying to defend myself by telling her that I am a liar. Also in her email, she went on and on about how in love she is with him, how good she is for him, how she's not drinking and going to church every Sunday (lol). I thought, OMG, this was me a few years ago! Run codie, run! But she'll have to learn her own lessons. Don't get me wrong, she's still the skank who was my "friend" that slept with my husband, but I do feel sorry for her a little.
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shaking my head...
yeah, we wind up competing with other women, previous, in his life now, or the next ones lined up over losing someone who is nasty to us!
I did it. Time and time again.
In the 7 years that we have been finally separated for good, I stayed no contact for 2 years. I have heard now, how it is still and always the same old, same old with him...same story just different women. I guess I needed to hear this to get it through my head so I could process it.
I tried to warn one...but she couldn't hear me because of what he had told her..but I always hoped that when she began to wonder about things she would remember what I said. They have been separated for a few years now after he pretty much ruined her life...but I don't think she gets it yet.
I wouldn't have abided by a warning from his previous X either, but I do wish I had had it when I started trying to put pieces together.
shrug.
They just don't play well with others!
yeah, we wind up competing with other women, previous, in his life now, or the next ones lined up over losing someone who is nasty to us!
I did it. Time and time again.
In the 7 years that we have been finally separated for good, I stayed no contact for 2 years. I have heard now, how it is still and always the same old, same old with him...same story just different women. I guess I needed to hear this to get it through my head so I could process it.
I tried to warn one...but she couldn't hear me because of what he had told her..but I always hoped that when she began to wonder about things she would remember what I said. They have been separated for a few years now after he pretty much ruined her life...but I don't think she gets it yet.
I wouldn't have abided by a warning from his previous X either, but I do wish I had had it when I started trying to put pieces together.
shrug.
They just don't play well with others!
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LOL...Wanting! Well, that's a little different if she's the "skank who was your friend and slept with your husband"! Hey, I do believe in karma
I remember reading your post about that email, and it did make me think of my situation too. And you know what, I think he's doing the SAME thing to me, as one of his friends recently deleted me from fb....for no reason. And there's only one reason for that and that would be what lies he is saying about ME to make himself feel better.
It's unbelievable isn't it!
I can't lie....there is a HUGE part of me that wants them to crash and burn just like they did before. He ran off on her after 9 months of marriage...i'm sure he hasn't changed AT ALL, and if he says he has, it's an Academy Award Winning Act!!!
But I also know it does me no good to wish bad for others. I guess I would just like his karma to catch up with him too.
I remember reading your post about that email, and it did make me think of my situation too. And you know what, I think he's doing the SAME thing to me, as one of his friends recently deleted me from fb....for no reason. And there's only one reason for that and that would be what lies he is saying about ME to make himself feel better.
It's unbelievable isn't it!
I can't lie....there is a HUGE part of me that wants them to crash and burn just like they did before. He ran off on her after 9 months of marriage...i'm sure he hasn't changed AT ALL, and if he says he has, it's an Academy Award Winning Act!!!
But I also know it does me no good to wish bad for others. I guess I would just like his karma to catch up with him too.
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I think I'm like 90% in a place where I am not attached to the outcome. I have to be OK even if he is all of a sudden sober and cured from assholism and they live happily ever after. But about 10% of me wishes for their demise. The odds are against them, but I really hope if/when they break up, I am beyond the point of laughing about it wickedly. I don't want to be hateful, ugly, and resentful forever. I'm trying to see it as, this is their path right now, mine is going a different direction. I do not know where theirs is headed. Other people have gone on that path, so I've heard, but who knows? I do know where mine is going though, and if I meet any hitchhikers along the way, I'm not stopping to pick them up!
Last edited by wanting; 11-11-2009 at 06:10 PM.
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Kittyboo, another funny thing is that she is moving across the country to be with him. She has no friends here (since all of our friends don't exactly want to be tight with someone who homewrecks), and neither does he anymore, so it's just going to be the two of them breathing all over each other's business all the time. Sounds like a disaster to me, but it's not my life.
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All of this reminds me of advice that I was given by a dear friend when I first started alanon. I described the misery that I was in and that if it weren't for the children I would leave immediately. He told me that if I didn't get better, I would just find another woman just like her and fall down the same hole again. He said, don't make any major decisions until you have had at least a year of alanon, maybe more. He was so very right. We are drawn to people who are not good for us. We need to fix ourselves so that we can be in healthy relationships.
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You are absolutely right! I would say I am about 70% to indifference. It's still a little fresh in my mind.
But the GOOD thing about this entire situation is that it really forced me to look inside ME and what I wanted and needed to change about the choices I make. It is a very good journey for me to be on.
I don't think I will laugh wickedly about their demise.....but I do notice in so MANY posts that many of you fabulous ladies are SO happy when they FINALLY stop contacting you. How much peace you are in.
There is still that very small part of me, that wants to get that call or text from him asking how I am, just so I can be the one to say...no, you lost your right to talk to me.
I know that is an unhealthy thought. Eeeeeek!
But I try to think back to past relationships and there is an indifference I have about them. You know you are at peace when you can wish someone well and mean it. Now I look forward to the day when I can wish that for him.....without him in my life!
But the GOOD thing about this entire situation is that it really forced me to look inside ME and what I wanted and needed to change about the choices I make. It is a very good journey for me to be on.
I don't think I will laugh wickedly about their demise.....but I do notice in so MANY posts that many of you fabulous ladies are SO happy when they FINALLY stop contacting you. How much peace you are in.
There is still that very small part of me, that wants to get that call or text from him asking how I am, just so I can be the one to say...no, you lost your right to talk to me.
I know that is an unhealthy thought. Eeeeeek!
But I try to think back to past relationships and there is an indifference I have about them. You know you are at peace when you can wish someone well and mean it. Now I look forward to the day when I can wish that for him.....without him in my life!
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Husbandofacoa - yes indeed! I believe in the law of attraction. I was definitely not in a good place with myself.....and my relationship with him really made me realize that.
Wanting- wow! Sounds so familiar. My A actually moved his ex here from out of state. She was very close with her family (who he said were alcoholics and one of the reasons why their relationship didn't work....more blame on others!). So he convinced her to leave them, come here, and now she only has him....and whatever friends he wants to introduce her too. So basically he wants to ISOLATE her. He was telling me that he was even going to have to teach her to drive on the major highway because they didn't have that where she was from....so she is very dependent on him here.
The thing about his friends...they are all drinkers, and that's who he likes to be around. He even confessed to me that on a work retreat he did coke in July. Ugh, I was disguisted. I don't know if that's something he does often....but once is enough thank you!
Plus, I noticed how he REALLY tried to clean himself up for her as he even whitened his teeth! They were so dark from bottles and bottles of wine, and smoking too....and then he said he started dipping.
Ugh....what was I holding on to?
Wanting- wow! Sounds so familiar. My A actually moved his ex here from out of state. She was very close with her family (who he said were alcoholics and one of the reasons why their relationship didn't work....more blame on others!). So he convinced her to leave them, come here, and now she only has him....and whatever friends he wants to introduce her too. So basically he wants to ISOLATE her. He was telling me that he was even going to have to teach her to drive on the major highway because they didn't have that where she was from....so she is very dependent on him here.
The thing about his friends...they are all drinkers, and that's who he likes to be around. He even confessed to me that on a work retreat he did coke in July. Ugh, I was disguisted. I don't know if that's something he does often....but once is enough thank you!
Plus, I noticed how he REALLY tried to clean himself up for her as he even whitened his teeth! They were so dark from bottles and bottles of wine, and smoking too....and then he said he started dipping.
Ugh....what was I holding on to?
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Oh and here's something I did just to give myself something deserving to give some love to...
I bought doves. I know random! But doves are symbolic of peace, love and hope. I thought it would be really good to be surrounded by that.
I bought doves. I know random! But doves are symbolic of peace, love and hope. I thought it would be really good to be surrounded by that.
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AH....I laughed when she took him down! Not at her, at him!
I don't think I am going to feel sorry about that...I am human, and I would rather laugh than cry or be mad.
I feel bad about what all happened to her.
He asks for trouble...he gets it.
I still wish he would get well, but pigs will fly first.
I don't think I am going to feel sorry about that...I am human, and I would rather laugh than cry or be mad.
I feel bad about what all happened to her.
He asks for trouble...he gets it.
I still wish he would get well, but pigs will fly first.
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I hope I am allowed to post this so here goes.
You Think That You Are So Special... Heartless Bitches International
I have been on both sides of this fence now...its a fascinating and insightful read. Not sure which forum I got it from (might have been this one in fact). Its about borderline controllers, but it is a snug fit for many of the behaviours of A's, certainly mine and was posted on an A forum....Love Lilly
You Think That You Are So Special... Heartless Bitches International
I have been on both sides of this fence now...its a fascinating and insightful read. Not sure which forum I got it from (might have been this one in fact). Its about borderline controllers, but it is a snug fit for many of the behaviours of A's, certainly mine and was posted on an A forum....Love Lilly
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O...M...G....seriously, that was like reading my OWN journal about his actions, my feelings and things he said.
Especially the part about how when he first left his ex wife he said "I tried to save our marriage....but she's the one who just gave up.."
I mean there is so much in there that mirrors him exactly.
Wow, are they really that transparent that their actions are basically there, word for word....?
Thanks for sharing that!!! I wish I had read that 7 months ago! )
Especially the part about how when he first left his ex wife he said "I tried to save our marriage....but she's the one who just gave up.."
I mean there is so much in there that mirrors him exactly.
Wow, are they really that transparent that their actions are basically there, word for word....?
Thanks for sharing that!!! I wish I had read that 7 months ago! )
And then who was I? I was that rebound girl, who didn't know it at the time, but I was the girl that he used while he left is ex until he wanted her back.
That is wisdom.
That's where it comes from....
personal experience.
You cn read other people's wisdom all day long
and it's nothing that's 'attached' to you.
Wisdom... is earned.
And she is a harsh harsh teacher.
(that's in the bible someplace I'm told)
But once you pick the knowledge up;
as something that was earned....
you never forget.
... and now you're one of us.
welcome!
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I am the woman he rants about to the rebound girls. He neglected to fill them in about the time he was arrested for assaulting me in my home, or the years of non finacial support, or the 9 months of hell he put me through while I was pregnant...
And guess what? A couple of those other women that he tried to get sympathy from because of me the evil ex...as he worked his way through the young girls in town, well, a few of them ended up being women that knew me, or a friend of mine or a friend of a friend, they had heard or had known the truth...and these girls were the ones who called him out.
He would get so pissed, and irritated that he was exposed for the truth, but I would secretly take heart. That sometimes the truth does prevail.
She may very well have been played so long and hard that she lost herself...or it could have ALL been fabricated.
Thanks for the post!
And guess what? A couple of those other women that he tried to get sympathy from because of me the evil ex...as he worked his way through the young girls in town, well, a few of them ended up being women that knew me, or a friend of mine or a friend of a friend, they had heard or had known the truth...and these girls were the ones who called him out.
He would get so pissed, and irritated that he was exposed for the truth, but I would secretly take heart. That sometimes the truth does prevail.
She may very well have been played so long and hard that she lost herself...or it could have ALL been fabricated.
Thanks for the post!
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It's just sickening to me that I valued him so much and he just used me. That's the anger that I have right now.
As far as his ex.....of course, when he did nothing but tell me how awful she was, I sympathized, I mean he was being soooooo "honest" with me about his life. HA!
I do believe, now that I know his true colors, that she has most certainly lost herself. I don't know her at all, but when they met she was about 19.....in college, and he was apparently drunk everyday in college. He would actually brag about how much he drank and still graduated.
He is INCREDIBLY manipulative...no surprise in this forum. So I don't doubt that she is sucked into nurturing him.
That was one of the things he told me when he decided to go back to her and all of the hate he originally had turned to "love".... he said " she knows what it's like to live and be with me. She has held me in the middle of the night when i've woken up crying (due to combat ptsd flashbacks).."
So he feels comfortable with her. And he did say that she was the only one who could get him to come out of his shell. It all comes back to HIS needs. He's got a very twisted view of what love is.
As far as his ex.....of course, when he did nothing but tell me how awful she was, I sympathized, I mean he was being soooooo "honest" with me about his life. HA!
I do believe, now that I know his true colors, that she has most certainly lost herself. I don't know her at all, but when they met she was about 19.....in college, and he was apparently drunk everyday in college. He would actually brag about how much he drank and still graduated.
He is INCREDIBLY manipulative...no surprise in this forum. So I don't doubt that she is sucked into nurturing him.
That was one of the things he told me when he decided to go back to her and all of the hate he originally had turned to "love".... he said " she knows what it's like to live and be with me. She has held me in the middle of the night when i've woken up crying (due to combat ptsd flashbacks).."
So he feels comfortable with her. And he did say that she was the only one who could get him to come out of his shell. It all comes back to HIS needs. He's got a very twisted view of what love is.
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indeed. He does have a twisted view of love.
He is also weak and needy for the attention. He will take it where he can get it. I am favoring a word today; it is 'whimsy'.
My A is so easily blown around, like a leaf at the mercy of the wind. He will call me and confess his all encompassing undying love for me, and it will light and then ruin my life...Because it was just a passing whim.
He is also weak and needy for the attention. He will take it where he can get it. I am favoring a word today; it is 'whimsy'.
My A is so easily blown around, like a leaf at the mercy of the wind. He will call me and confess his all encompassing undying love for me, and it will light and then ruin my life...Because it was just a passing whim.
The best way out
of the 'regret/anger it happened at all'
circle
that I've found ...
get involved with other women.
Either step up the number of women's meetings
(there's only one here in Butte right now)
but also
it's a good inspiration
to begcome a more understanding person
so when the next woman comes along
we can be even more caring
and compassionate
with her.
And she *will* come along.
P.T.Barnum was right
there's one born every minute.
of the 'regret/anger it happened at all'
circle
that I've found ...
get involved with other women.
Either step up the number of women's meetings
(there's only one here in Butte right now)
but also
it's a good inspiration
to begcome a more understanding person
so when the next woman comes along
we can be even more caring
and compassionate
with her.
And she *will* come along.
P.T.Barnum was right
there's one born every minute.
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