husbandofacoa

Thanks again for all the posts. I certainly got my answer. There is really nothing that I can do and I will keep the door open. She is likely to recover after she learns life's lessons the hard way.

I must respons to some posts however, if a man has a 40 year track record of bad behavior, he is not going to change. For a young woman to think that he is going to treat her differently from the many other people that he has abused is a fantasy.

As a man I know that we don't change unless we are somehow affected by great tragedy and many times even that does not change us. Marrying the "bad boy" and thinking that he will treat you differently is insanity. I am so sorry for the many people who make this mistake.

I hope that this does not offend.

Freedom1990

I for one am not offended at all. It is complete insanity, and I am also one of the women who married a 'bad boy'. He was straight out of the penitentiary for the second time when I met him (that trip was for armed robbery and several other charges, including shooting at police officers). He went back a third time to the pen for a year on a parole violation, and I married him as soon as he got out.

In my own experience, what often appears to be the worst possible scenario at the time turns out to be a blessing in disguise later on.

My marriage to that man was brutal, filled with beatings and insanity. We were both active alcoholics/addicts.

What I can tell you is that marriage is exactly what it took to bring me to my knees and seek out help and a better way of life. It's the best thing that ever happened to me because this year I celebrated 19 years clean/sober, and have been in recovery from codependency for the last 10 years.

That violent and psychotic EXAH passed away a few years ago, complications due to AIDS. He was only 47 years old. I chose the gift of a new life, he did not when he left rehab and went right back to the same old same old.

I know your heart hurts. My mother got on her knees and begged me not to marry my EXAH. She 'disowned' me for 6 months and refused to have anything to do with me. Today I understand the pain and fear that she had for me. I've been through it with my oldest AD.

:ghug2 :ghug2

GiveLove

There's a great line from the book "West With the Night", about the African bush pilot (lady) Beryl Markham: "I didn't want to rob you of your right to make mistakes."

Your daughter appears about to make a mistake. But she is not listening to you, and not listening to reason, therefore you are powerless to help there.

What you CAN do is keep the door open so that she will feel comfortable turning to you when she inevitably realizes what's happened.

Also, I would suggest some strong practice setting boundaries. For me, that would mean getting clear in my mind (with yourself, not out loud with her) about what I will, and will not do. Most of those things would likely be financial, as he seems irresponsible. There is no reason you should be lending money, paying fines, or bailing someone out of jail. And there should be no reason you participate in chaos.

Al-Anon helped me to tune the chaos in my life down to a faint buzz by letting people make their own choices, refusing to take part in any craziness, and detaching with a loving heart. It's a good way to live, and may help you preserve some semblance of a healthy relationship with someone who obviously means a lot to you.

Good luck!

24Years

Although I do not know your daughter, I’m concerned that if you close the door, or close this man out of your life; you risk that she may never come to you for advice (or anything else). It seems the stakes are high (your decision). I do have first hand experience with my father closing the door to me when I was 19 and he didn’t agree with a decision I made (although our relationship is good, today). Being on both sides of the fence, I believe it’s important to do your best to ask yourself if any decision you make is done out of what you think is best for you, or out of what is best for her. I think what is best for us versus others can become more confusing when we’re dealing with the pain of watching someone do something we believe is going to be a long, hard, and painful road. She may need to make this *mistake* in her life to grow and to become more of who she is meant to be. You sound like a caring father; I believe it is ideal that you remain in her life and that she has you to turn to. At times like this, I turn to the Serenity Prayer (God could be changed to higher power or other):

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
(*part of the prayer* – by Reinhold Niebuhr)

I don’t know if you believe in God, but this prayer has always helped me as I pondered a tough decision to make.

TakingCharge999

Hi husband.

I often confuse healthy concern with control.

(Just as I confuse boredom with peace but that is a different story!)

Your post made me remember the advice of a therapist.

I had an alcoholic boyfriend (or at least an abusive binger). We broke up.

About 9 months later I started going out with someone else. He got drunk once. He was not abusive but of course it bothered me.


I of course planned never to drink again, and break up with him, or tell him he was not "allowed" to drink while with me.

But my therapist told me that probably, he would not drink with me, but if he was a social drinker he would drink MORE with his friends or with someone else.

So she adviced me to drink as usual (wine with dinner once in a while) and offer him wine too as if everything was normal, not to change my patterns for him to do or not to do anything.

I was afraid he would see that as "license" to drink more... but no, I told him that personally.. I was interested in other stuff and not really into that scene anymore.

We ended up not drinking at all for months. It became a non-issue. We did not even "plan" to be healthier.

Now we do yoga at home and drink milkshakes with Soy protein.




Let go of an outcome and it may happen by itself without action from your part... just very clear boundaries to protect you (like not giving out money).

I agree with the above poster, if you distance from her, she may think "he is all she has" and that makes her way more vulnerable IMHO, as opposed to think she has a partner but if anything happens she can also count with the loving support of her father.


All the best to you!